The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2008

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – I’ll start off with something simple, and since brevity is the soul of wit, brilliant as well…"There are no atheists in foxholes and there are no libertarians in financial crises." / Paul Krugman on “Real Time with Bill Maher“

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – It was almost the Summer Olympics, but the most watchable television this year wasn’t exactly a show. CNN’s coverage of the 2008 Presidential election. The coverage combined with the background stories and cool graphics kept you informed as well as interested. When that holograph thing was on it was the coolest thing on TV.

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – You know, all I hoped for was that President George W. Bush, or as I have come to call him, President Fuck Up, didn’t actually have the energy left in him for one more big, well…fuck up. He has proven his mettle by giving us yet one last big fuck up to remember him by…the worst economic failure since The Great Depression. So his legacy will not only be that he couldn’t find oil in Texas, he also couldn’t turn a war in to an economic success like Truman did after World War II or Clinton did after the first Iraq war in 1991. Wars equal economic progress, that has been true since Ancient Greece…how can you possibly fuck that up? Well our boy is resilient. I so wanted the most historically significant election ever in the US to be the news story of the year, but the economic crisis will unfortunately have a greater, more immediate impact on us all.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Fiction) – “Mercy”/Toni Morrison. I first read “Sula” when I was in college. I have to say I have been hooked ever since.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Non-Fiction) – American Lion: Andrew Jackson in the White House / Jon Meacham. I guess when you are the editor of Newsweek, you have access to historical material that we peons don’t.

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Sean Avery? Plaxico Burress? I wish it were that simple, and I wish the actions of these two buffoons were the worst things done this year by an individual, but they were not. That’s why this year’s award goes to Ponzi scam genius Bernard L. Madoff. I have nothing against rich assholes getting burned by their own greed. Mort Zuckerman publishes that worthless rag the New York Daily News. Norman Braman owned the Philadelphia Eagles, so they can stand to lose a few million. Fred Wilpon just built a new Stadium for the New York Mets, so it looks like the Yankees won’t be the only team dramatically raising ticket prices now that this idiot lost his shirt. But when a charitable institution like the JEHT Foundation, (Justice, Equality, Human dignity and Tolerance), has to send an e-mail to the Fair Food Foundation based in Ann Arbor, which set out to find ways to get fresher, healthy food to residents of poor city neighborhoods, the Rhode Island Family Life Center, Advocates for Environmental Human Rights out of New Orleans which used a grant from JEHT to pursue a lawsuit charging "environmental racism" in the predominantly black Louisiana town of Mossville, where the soil and water are polluted by 14 surrounding factories, saying that the $30 million in checks that they were waiting for isn’t coming, then this prick Madoff should be held accountable.

POLITITIAN OF THE YEAR – The first two-time winner in the history of this award, President Elect Barack Obama made history as we all watched. For me, it was never about the first black president, it was about this country putting its petty, bullshit fears behind it and electing the best man for the job, regardless of race. It was a shining moment in an otherwise abysmal period in our history.

FELONY CONVICTION OF THE YEAR – Well it looks like “the Juice” is no longer loose. OJ Simpson is finally going away. The judge said that she was not going to try a 13 year old case and was only going to concentrate on this one, but who really believed that bullshit? Look, the Juice is probably a murdering asshole, but look at this from an objective, purely legal standpoint…OJ was the only one that got nine years, and he wasn’t even armed. And technically it was his first offense in that state, how do you get nine years for that? I say what I’ve always said…let’s give OJ a chance to escape, and here’s how we do it. Since he was the fist running back to ever rush for over 2,000 yards in the NFL, how about we put him 2,000 yards away from the Mexican border, if he can make it before the US Border Patrol shoot him, let him go.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Che.” Over four hours long, and the entire film will keep you in it from start to finish. When a story can keep you interested for four hours, how can it not be the movie of the year? Whenever a film is made about a historical figure, there are always stories you wish had made the film, like the time a boat he was in was sinking, and he could save either his medical bag or a box of ammunition. Keeping in mind that he was a doctor, which one do you think he chose to save? I won’t tell you the answer, but I would have liked to see an interpretation of that choice on film. But that’s just me. Regardless, this was the best film of the year, one of the best films of this decade. Did I mention it was four hours long?

DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR – “Religulous.” Bill Maher wasn’t trying to offend anyone when he made this film, he just managed to. And anyone offended by this film is so afraid of their religion they can’t be objective.

COOLEST MOVIE WITH NO OVERLY FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT – “Twilight.”

COOLEST MOVIE WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT THAT YOU STILL DIDN’T
SEE – “Choke.” I don’t know shit about the Oscars, but it would be really lame if Anjelica Huston doesn’t get at least a nomination for an Academy Award for her performance in this movie.

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR – Sam Rockwell for “Frost/Nixon” and “Choke”

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “Chinese Democracy”/Guns & Roses. I hate to believe the hype, but I can’t believe how good this record is.

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT - “Cath…”/Death Cab for Cutie

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Kim and Jesse” / M83

COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR – Kings of Leon

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The New York Giants. Winning what was arguably the greatest Super Bowl in history in the biggest upset in history makes them an easy pick. What I loved about them is how no one gave them a chance, and everyone wanted to watch the New England Patriots make history. The media talked about the Giants the way you do about a hated stepchild, as if they weren’t even there. Well they certainly showed up at the Super Bowl. When will Boston/New England ever learn? We always beat you when it matters most. Sure you have won one recent ALCS against the Yankees, but that is out of how many that we have crushed you people? Just accept second place, you will feel better. Plaxico Burress drama and Michael Strahan retirement aside, this team is not only the best team in the NFL so far this year with a 12-4 record, but for the second season in a row has given us the best late season game of the year. Last year around this time they gave the New England Patriots all they could handle, a precursor of the Super Bowl. This year they have once again thrilled us at the end of the season this year with an overtime victory against the Carolina Panthers, clinching home field advantage.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Michael Phelps, Swimmer. OK so Sports Illustrated beat me to it by naming him their “Sportsman of the Year” but who else could it have possibly been? He kept us glued to the TV for two weeks this summer, and no one wanted to see him fail. He has no felony convictions (at least not yet), he is not shooting himself at a nightclub or beating a live-in girlfriend. How can you not like this guy?

OVER-RATED ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – This is going to hurt me more than it does you, but this years most over rated athlete is, objectively…Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo. Known more for banging famous airheads than airing out passes, Bill Parcells was right when he said “Don’t anoint him just yet.” For all his hype, he has yet to get the Cowboys out of the first round of the playoffs, and this year seemed to just implode under pressure in Philadelphia, missing the playoffs altogether. As a Cowboys fan I have to say it’s disappointing to see him on the cover of every stupid, supermarket celebrity rag and not have any championships to show for it. At least Tom Brady has 3 Super Bowl rings.

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE – Oscar De La Hoya. Here is a guy that I watched fight in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona. What I don’t understand is why he keeps fighting. Here is a guy who made more money in his first three years than Felix Trinidad ever made in his entire career, and Trinidad was a much better fighter. And when he wasn’t busy recording albums (I’m serious, he was actually nominated for a fucking Grammy Award, proving yet again how clueless these people are) he actually did fight the best fighters of his time, win or lose. He never ducked anyone, and even managed to gain respect after his losses. Even the guys that beat him like Bernard Hopkins and Shane Mosley ended up working for him. So why would you possibly twitch the nose of Manny Paquiao when he is the best fighter out there right now? After that dismantling, it really is time for the Golden Boy’s Golden years to commence. Dude, you’ve had a great career as a fighter, an even more lucrative career as a promoter, hang ‘em up before you get hurt.

RACIST OF THE YEAR – Mississippi head basketball coach Andy Kennedy. Here’s why he wins the award even though there has been no trial or actual footage of the event like there was last year when that asshole Don Imus won the award. Kennedy was arrested and accused of simple assault of a cab driver named Mohamed Moctar Ould Jiddou. With a name like that, how could racial slurs not be far behind? In all fairness to Kennedy, he did file a defamation suit against said cab driver who filed the charges, but so did Roger Clemens. And let’s not forget Kennedy was arrested for the incident, so I can’t believe he is totally innocent. For a university that had to be integrated at gunpoint…literally, this situation clearly does not help their reputation for racial tolerance.

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – I’m really gonna miss Bo Diddley, Tim Russert, Issac Hayes and George Carlin, and my writing style has been heavily influenced by Studs Terkel since my college history professor suggested I write a paper in the first person narrative from the subjects point of view. It was my first “A” in college. Thank you Dr. Umansky. But I would have to say the person who dropped dead this year that I will miss the most has to be “The Hustler” himself, Paul Newman. I eulogized him when he died, so I won’t do it again here. But there are so many reasons why he will be missed. Such an accomplished individual makes the world a better place.

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!

The JB Random Report 12/17/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Say what you will about President Fuck Up, but the guy can really move can’t he? Who would have thought the mentally challenged could have such good reflexes? He managed to out maneuver not one, but two shoes flung at him by a very angry Iraqi reporter protesting the war and our continued, unwanted presence in that country. With a little training George W. Bush can represent team USA in the 2012 Special Olympics.
In all fairness to Bush though, I think someone who is the leader of a free country that like it or not, did bring greater freedoms to your country is an easy target. I wonder how brave this guy would have been had Saddam Hussein been holding that press conference. He would have had that shoe returned to him stapled to his liver.

Looks like Santa Claus is mad at the automobile industry. In an effort to get everyone to travel by flying reindeer, Congress voted down the billion dollar bail-out for General Motors and Chrysler.

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT

Aren’t you glad I did this before they did? What a lame “All-Time Top Twenty Christmas Songs” list that NBC aired last week. Not that Bing Crosby isn’t great, but come on, does anyone really need to hear “Silent Night,” Andy Williams, or Mariah Carey ever again? And who the fuck is Taylor Swift?

A while back I wrote about a rumor that Benicio Del Toro was going to play Ernesto “Che” Guevarra in a movie and that it was going to be done in Spanish. I remember writing that I hoped Hollywood wouldn’t destroy this idea. I saw the movie today and I must say that they didn’t ruin anything…at least not the 4-hour limited engagement version of the film that I saw. If they don’t edit the crap out of this and turn it into a Spanish version of “Tropic Thunder” then it will be the movie of the year, and Del Toro should get another Award. But you know who really bugged me out in this movie? Lou Diamond Phillips (remember that dude?) speaking a very good, very believable Spanish as Bolivian Communist Party leader Mario Monje.

SPORTS

I guess Terrell Owens just couldn’t let me or any other Dallas Cowboys fans enjoy this season in peace could he? Even though the drama helped because they managed to beat the best team in the NFL right now, the New York Giants. That doesn’t mean that anyone is in control of that team. Obviously Owner Jerry Jones, Head Coach Wade Phillips, and Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett all think that they are in charge. As for the Giants, there are only so many injuries and retirements you can endure before it starts to effect your winning percentage.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

When a ShopRite supermarket in Holland Township, New Jersey got a very odd cake request that it refused to carry out, Heath Campbell was pretty upset about it. Campbell's wife, was equally surprised. "ShopRite can't even make a cake for a 3-year-old," she said. "That's sad." Yes it is, until we found out that your kids names are Adolf Hitler, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler. What’s sad is that Campbell, a Holocaust denier, had the nerve to act surprised when the store refused this request. What’s sad is this retard has no clue how badly his kids are gonna suffer once they reach school age. New Jersey…how the fuck do we share a border with these morons?

My All-Time Favorite Christmas Songs

So many Christmas wishes have been fulfilled this year that I thought it only appropriate that I get myself in the spirit of things early. The 3 major US auto companies are going to get bailed out by the taxpayers as a reward for selling them a sub-standard product for decades (you're welcome, assholes!). Governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich is getting an indictment under his tree for attempting to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat while the FBI was listening on a wiretap (congratulations shithead). The Mets got an amazing closer to go with their new ballpark this season in Felix Rodriguez. And of course, never to be outdone by that other team in New York, the greatest franchise in baseball has nabbed the greatest free agent of the season. CC Sabathia has come to his senses and signed with the Yankees. Santa has been good to Brian Cashman too, I see. I have a few things I want also, but I have yet to see them under my tree. That’s not to say that I’m not well within the spirit of things, I actually am, and more than I have been in years I must say. So in keeping with my Holiday spirit, I have now written yet another one of my famous lists.
As much as a good Christmas song can bring back wonderful childhood memories and immediately transport you to a simpler, happier time, a bad Christmas song (The Beach Boys, Beyonce, Mariah Carey) can make you wanna go on a three state killing spree. In hoping to avoid the latter, I have listed my all-time favorite Christmas songs, enjoy them as I have for so many great seasons. So here they are, in order this time…

MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

Run Rudolph Run (1958)-Chuck Berry. If I properly researched this, I might find that this was probably the first Rock n Roll Christmas song. With Berry’s signature guitar keeping a story about Rudolph company, you would never think it would work, but it does.

Wonderful Christmastime (1979) - Paul McCartney. This song isn’t just cheesy, it is cheese. But I really like it. Remember, the list is my favorite Christmas songs, not the best Christmas songs.

Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto (1968) - James Brown. Only the Godfather of Soul can tell Santa where to go. Telling him “you will see mothers and Soul brothers,” just in case he forgets where he is.

Happy Xmas (War Is Over) (1971) - John Lennon. It was during his “advertising campaign for peace” that he wrote this song and even put up a few billboards around New York City. A bit naïve maybe, but in a good way.

All Alone on Christmas (1992) - Darlene Love. Yes it’s from a lame Home Alone movie, but what a great voice to go with a great message - nobody oughtta be, alone on Christmas.

Do They Know it’s Christmas (1984) - Band Aid. Another cheesy song, but I like it. And I like a lot of the people that were on it like U2, Sting, Peter Weller and Freddy Mercury just to name a few.

Christmas Time is Here (1965) - Vince Guaraldi Trio. Mena can attest to this. If you worked at Tower Records at Christmas, you know “A Charlie Brown Christmas” completely. They had been known to play it a few times during the holidays. The first time I hear the opening piano to that song, I know it’s Christmas.

Christmas in Hollis (1987) - Run DMC. Run DMC can claim so many firsts when it comes to Hip-Hop. And this is the first accessible Christmas rap song. Sure Beat Street had one in 1984, but this one is better and doesn’t talk about spending your welfare money playing numbers.

The Christmas Song (1963) - Nat King Cole. This one means so much to me personally for so many reasons. But let’s just say that the haunting vocals by one of the greatest American singers ever make it special as well.

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) (1987) - U2. The original was done by musical genius turned trigger-happy maniac Phil Spector, vocals by the great Darlene Love. But since I grew up on U2 I kinda like this version better. Don’t worry, Darlene Love does the background vocals on this one, so I can be forgiven.


Happy Holidays!

The JB Random Report 12/3/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

OK I guess there was no way that the nitwits in this country were going to accept the fact that a black man is the best qualified man to run the country. After trying everything from calling him a terrorist to hating his choice of White House dog, now it seems that they wanna raise questions about his birth certificate. So much so, that the Supreme Court has to hear this crap in conference on Friday. Could you imagine if this story has any teeth? It would really suck. I believe Barack Obama to be a stand up guy, so produce it already and let’s get on with fixing the country.

Anyone take a look at that “short list” New York Governor David Paterson wrote to appoint a replacement for new Secretary of State, Senator Hillary Clinton? Since there is no need for an election and no background check necessary…I’m available!

I guess every once in a while the Universe feels the need to adjust itself properly…Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter will have her jaw wired shut due to a fall she took last month, or due to exhaustion after running her mouth too loudly while no one listened. The point is she will not be able to talk for a while…I guess there really is a Santa Claus!

So it’s official…The National Bureau of Economic Research announced today that the United States has been in a recession since last year…Happy Anniversary!!! I’m so glad I depend on The National Bureau of Economic Research to give me those “hard to find” stories. In a related story, they also reported that the Earth is round, Mariah Carey is a complete fucking maniac and 4 quarters make one dollar.

SPORTS

New York has been one busy sports town this week huh? So let us begin with the criminal charges first. Plaxico Burress…what a moron. I can’t believe he caught the winning touchdown pass in the greatest Super Bowl ever just a short time ago. Seriously where did this future Oakland Raider think he was going the night he shot himself with his own gun? He was going to Latin Quarters to be sweated by Giants fans and your standard nightclub sluts looking for a new baby daddy, not on patrol in Fallujah, so what did he need the gun for?
And DO NOT even try to use the fact that Steve Smith, his teammate, was robbed at gunpoint recently as justification for this bonehead. Smith was robbed at his home by his driver no less, and had he had a gun, the headline would have been “Two men dead. One drove a car, one played football.” Dude, you catch balls for a living, you are not that important. And if you are that self absorbed as to call yourself a target because you are an athlete, then maybe it’s time to stay home once in a while or change your social habits. Brett Favre never shot himself, Jerry Rice never shot himself, so go visit some of their clubs.

I can see the Yankees not offering arbitration to Jason Giambi even though he had a decent year. But Andy Pettitte? They are letting the best left hander they have ever had since Ron Guidry get away a second time?

And then there is Stephon Marbury. It is sheer genius to collect a $21 million paycheck for not playing. I can see why the Knicks want to get rid of this cancer, but at least do it with a bit more objectivity and try to trade him.

And for those of you who think that today’s modern athlete has no respect for nostalgia, here is a heartwarming story from our friends across the pond…
Dutch soccer player Daniel Guijo-Velasco was banned for five matches for raising his arm in a Nazi salute during a second-division match. He performed the salute to an opposing player during Friday's match against RBC Roosendaal. In an interview after the match, which ended in a 1-1 draw, the Belgian explained his action by saying the player "was walking around like a German." More like walking around like an asshole. I still can’t understand how Europeans are so cavalier about shit like this.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Every once in a while I feel the need to crack on my own profession…
FORT COLLINS, Colo. - A man accused of making unflattering online comments about his former lover and her attorney on Craigslist has been charged with two counts of criminal libel. Now bear with me but I have to make this asshole famous. Larimer County District Attorney Larry Abrahamson cited an obsure 1800s-era state law that can put people in jail for the content of their speech or writing. Now how did something like this even get on the books in Colorado? Don’t we have a Constitution that protects speech? And shouldn’t the DA know or at least acknowledge the existence of a US Constitution? Or are these inbred assholes gonna go the way of Mississippi and not officially remove slavery from their state law books until the 1990’s?

The JB Random Report 11/19/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Looks like Hillary Clinton is being tapped to be Barack Obama’s Secretary of State. Believe it or not, this would actually be a perfect job for her. One of the greatest Secretaries of state in recent memory was Henry Kissinger. Kissinger was a master at negotiations and diplomacy, but more importantly, he was the perfect contrast to the president he was serving at the time, Emperor Nero oops, I meant Richard Nixon. Clinton is clearly no Kissinger, but let me tell you what she does bring to the table…the perfect contrast. Having a Secretary of State as hawkish as Clinton would give Obama the freedom to either agree with her when she is right, or use her as a buffer between him and other world leaders when he either disagrees with her outright, or wants to take a softer position on the matter. When he wants to take a stand on an issue, but doesn’t want to look like he is taking one, she is the perfect go-between. In short, it’s a “good cop, bad cop” situation where Obama would be the “good cop.”
Clinton does bring a good deal of foreign policy experience to the table as well, and not to mention that she is well known internationally. Notice how I used the term “well known,” not “popular” or “well liked.” But she is exactly what the job needs. And since this is a job that would require her to be out of the country a majority of the time, that celebratory sound you hear coming from Harlem is emanating from Bill Clinton’s office.

Al-Qaida's No. 2, Ayman al-Zawahri made another video tape, I guess trying to remind the world that they are still alive, eventhough they are hiding in a cave somewhere making video tapes. Why do terrorists have so many Number 2 guys? Anyway this coward called Barack Obama a “house negro.” Correction terrorist asshole…he is a White House negro! If Obama is a house negro what does that make you? A cave negro? And if you are so brave why not come out of your cave and fight us? We are not hard to find. Fuck Al Qaida.

ENTERTAINMENT

I really like Prince, but he is getting even weirder with old age. Yes the man who brought you the male garter belt and the ass-less pants spoke out against gay marriage this week. He would have gone on an even bigger homophobic rant but his mascara was running, so he got up on his 6” heels and walked in to the ladies room to fix it.

I have no idea who the fuck Selena Gomez is, but I have it on good authority that she will be the next teenager on The Disney Channel who will be gracing us with a naked pic scandal…you heard it here first!

SPORTS

Nick Swisher has yet to have an at-bat for the Yankees…and I like him already. The liberal, elitist New York (which for Governors of Alaska just means “Jew”) media has already linked this guy with a Playboy playmate…good man. Welcome to New York, call me so we can hang out sometime dude!
And in other, less pleasant Yankee news that I hope is false, it looks like Mike Mussina is gonna call it a career. After his first 20-win season I have to say I’m a bit surprised. Incidentally, every other pitcher who has won at least 100 games more than he has lost is in the Hall of Fame. I hope he gets his votes.

Umm…excuse me Donovan McNabb, but you have been an NFL quarterback for 10 years right? And you were not aware that your team had a tie game in 1997 and that in
2002 the Pittsburgh Steelers and Atlanta Falcons played to a tie, a year which incidentally, you were in the league. So it baffles me that you are getting paid $ 9 million this year and you didn’t know that tie games exist in the NFL and that it is contained in the rulebook? Were you busy doing something else that you couldn’t read the rules of your own sport?

An injury to a guy named Tyler on the Tarheels is never good news. No…not that Tyler, I meant Tyler Zeller, who by the way, is really good. Too bad he won’t be proving it this season as he as a broken wrist and will be out. Hansbrough better get well soon. But still…Dick Vitale announcing, North Carolina winning…it’s officially winter.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A few things this week…

With all due respect to John McCain…I am going to make them famous. GM CEO Richard Wagoner (who couldn’t give Congress a straight answer with a ruler), Chrysler's Robert Nardelli, Ford’s Alan Mulally all went to Capitol Hill today to ask for a bailout in the billions for their respective companies. Saying that the industry would collapse and go bankrupt if not given the money. Nice to see they were contributing to their companies bottom lines by each flying in on a private jet. Someone stick these assholes in that cave where Al-Qaida is.

Sarah Palin is reportedly getting $7 million for a book deal. Great. What would that book be about actually? And why would any publishing company give this woman cab fare for a book much less $7 million? Someone explain to me on what subject does this woman have $7 million worth of knowledge? Wait…this just in…it’s a cookbook about Moose.

The JB Random Report 11/13/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Ann Coulter is a Dumbo-eared asshole. She has now called Sarah Palin, and I quote, “The star of the GOP.” Are you out of your fucking mind? Look I admit this woman is entertaining, but she is far from bright. And please stop blaming the “elitist, liberal media” for the fact that this woman has trouble completing a sentence. Remember this woman was not pulled out of John McCain’s nursing home attendant-wiped ass, she campaigned for the job, and should have been able to handle the “tough” questions like “find Afghanistan on a map.” “Elitist” to Sarah Palin is someone who doesn’t kill their own lunch. Seriously if this is your “star” then your movie is going straight to DVD.

SPORTS

I always thought that the only morons who would kill over a sporting event were uncivilized soccer hooligans outside the United States. Leave it to the south to fuck that up too. An argument over Saturday's Alabama-LSU football game led to the shooting deaths of a couple at a home in southern Alabama.
Dennis Smith, an LSU fan, called what used to be his friend Michael Williams, an Alabama fan, after Alabama's 27-21 overtime win and an argument ensued. Smith then went to Williams’ home with a pistol, but Williams had a shotgun and fired. Williams was arrested and charged with two counts of murder. Alabama is still #1 in the BCS rankings, but their fans just set us back about 10,000 years.

ENTERTAINMENT

At least 3 people sent me that really weird story about some American Idol fan killing herself in front of Paula Abdul’s house. What can you say about that? Abdul just can’t catch a break can she? Everyone already thinks she is nuts, this just adds to the bizarre nature of this woman’s existence.

I have no fucking idea what a Cheetah Girl is, but apparently one of them likes to get naked in front of a camera…cool. Damn those Disney chicks are hornier than Catholic school girls. Who ever thought that could happen?

The fact that delusional maniacs like Britney Spears, Beyonce and Mariah Carey still live amongst us and continue to contaminate the Universe with their worthless presence doesn’t really bother me until I hear things like this…Miriam Makeba of South Africa died after collapsing on stage in Italy. She was 76 years old and if there is an afterlife, what an amazing story she will be able to tell. This amazing singer known as “Mama Africa” was the first African Woman to ever win a Grammy.
Often saying that her songs were never political just a reflection of her environment, they did none the less have serious political ramifications, as her amazing voice told the painful story of racial segregation in her country that cost her dearly. In 1960, after speaking out against apartheid in South Africa her passport was revoked. It would be another 30 years before she saw home again. In 1963 she appeared before the U.N. Special Committee on Apartheid to call for an international boycott of South Africa. All this before The Clash, U2 and Peter Gabriel were even wetting diapers. The South African government responded in typical fashion by banning her records, but it didn’t stop her from performing her songs over the years, one of the highlights being a landmark concert in Zimbabwe with Paul Simon in 1987. Incidentally for those of you who can’t handle "Pata Pata," "The Click Song" ("Qongqothwane" in Xhosa), and "Malaika, " check out Paul Simon’s Graceland; a more “user friendly” version of this type of music.
From Paul Simon to Nina Simone, she performed with more legends than come to mind, and in 1990 finally went home again after the election of Nelson Mandela proved the end of apartheid once and for all in South Africa. "I was singing about my life, and in South Africa we always sang about what was happening to us — especially the things that hurt us." Well the world listened, and was a better place for it.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Who invented that automatic hand dryer in the Men’s bathroom? Isn’t that a stupid idea? Think about it, this contraption just takes longer to dry your hands and it never really works unless you stand under it like a moron for at least 5 minutes. What ever happened to the paper towel? It’s faster and it does the job better. And don’t give me that bullshit about automatic hand dryers being better for the environment. They use electricity and a paper towel can be recycled by simply planting a tree. I’d rant some more about this but my hands are wet.

Waking Up to History 11/5/08

I’m in my 30’s. I remember when the Berlin Wall came down, when the Soviet Union collapsed. I remember watching CNN and seeing a Chinese boy stand in front of a tank in Tiananmen Square. This election was the most historically significant event I’ve ever been alive to witness.
A few years ago I wrote about a speech I heard a Senator give in front of the State House in Springfield, Illinois (JB Random Report 2/14/07) announcing his candidacy for President of the United States. I said how great I thought he was, but that this country would never vote a black man into the White House. Even before that announcement, I named him my “Politician of the Year 2006” for thinking he had a chance.
Barack Obama never had to win me over; he did that in Springfield, even using one of my favorite Jackie Wilson songs at the end. It was this nation that had to convince me that it would finally vote for the best candidate this time. I was one of the first writers to endorse him (JB Random Report 2/6/08). It only took two terms of the worst US President in history for this country to get its act together, so my faith isn’t totally restored, but I am glad to see that I live in a country that doesn’t let the same dog bite it three times.
We are all celebrating now, but I assure you it won’t be easy for the nation’s first black president. There is a great deal of work to do. The economy, the wars, our international reputation all require his immediate attention. And like Jackie Robinson in 1947, he can’t make one mistake. Like it or not he is representing all minorities, and this nation in its ignorance and impatience will turn on him if he doesn’t produce results.
I wasn’t proud to be an American this morning because we elected the first black president, I was proud to be an American this morning because we elected the best man for the job regardless of his race. I once wrote that racism comes from fear and ignorance, we proved that we have less of those traits, and that might not erase the mistakes of the past, but what an interesting start.
Books can be written about what this election means to minorities, but I’ll mention one thing. While the crowd was loudly cheering Obama on during his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park, in the crowd there stood an older black man just staring at the stage quietly, not cheering, not crying, just looking. Just imagine his life’s story, and what this moment meant to him. Growing up not being able to sit at a lunch counter, or ride a bus, or drink from a water fountain in a nation that claimed it was free. Imagine that man now living to see a black president. Of course he was silent. I ask you, who could have words?

SPORTS

Sometimes having a bye week is all you need to move up in the BCS rankings…but not in the case of Penn State. What the Hell? Texas Tech did beat #1 Texas, but come on that doesn’t mean they get to jump a big conference school. If that’s the case, Rutgers should have been #1 a few years ago, remember that? It took until week 9 of the college football season, but that BCS ranking system finally showed its first fuck up. I agree with Alabama being #1 but Penn State should be #2.

The Giants are proving all non-believers wrong yet again. They dismantled the Cowboys last week; I wonder what they are going to do for an encore.

Trading Allen Iverson was a good move by Denver, but once again one is left puzzled by the Knicks. Is sitting over $30 million in salary on the bench in Stephon Marbury and Eddy Curry part of the Donnie Walsh/Mike D’Antoni “new system?” Because if it is, that new system makes no fiscal sense. If you hate the guys so much and want to get rid of them so badly, have them play so that their value can be shown to other teams. When it comes time for trade talks, you have a body of work to show the team that you wanna make a deal with. I’m sure the “Fire D’Antoni” chants will be heard at the Garden very soon.

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Plentyoffish.com looked at 315,478 users frequenting no-strings-attached dating sites. Since 2004, the number of women seeking only an "intimate encounter" has risen from 9 to 18 percent. OK...so where are we meeting up?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Today and maybe only today, there is little wrong with America worth complaining about.

The JB Random Report 10/29/08

Ummm…so did anything interesting happen this week?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So how's that bailout working for you?

It looks like the Democrats are finally growing some balls now that Barack Obama is ahead in the polls. They are claiming that they have enough support to push for 60 Senate seats after this election which would mean a filibuster-proof Senate. For those who have never taken a government class (or were too stoned in college to remember it) Senators have the floor for as long as they want. During the Civil rights era, racist senators from the south would routinely get up and read out names of the phonebook in order to have the floor for so long that no one would vote on the legislation. With 60 seats, Republicans could no longer block legislation from getting to the floor for a vote. The problem is, Democrats in control of the Senate is like me piloting an F-22 Raptor Joint Strike Fighter. I think its the hottest jet fighter in the world and its firepower is awesome, but I haven't the slightest idea what to do with it. If I were ever at the controls I might fire something by accident and next thing you know, we are at war with Canada. The House has been controlled by Democrats for over a year and the only thing that Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been able to do is demonstrate how a human being can function without a backbone.
But the democrats are not helping themselves by making better choices in candidates. In an ad for Al Franken, who is running in Minnesota, Sen. Hillary Clinton said, "Al Franken could very well be that 60th vote." Al Franken? That's pretty fucking scary. He is a sometimes funny former writer for Saturday Night Live who thinks he can be a senator because he had good jokes about Ronald Reagan 25 years ago.

Did you like that Barack Obama infomercial? It sure was better than that lame "Time-Life Soft Rock Hits" one with the 2 homosexuals from Air Supply.

And here's something to put a monkey wrench in the Republican's program…Looks like the state of Alaska just can't get a break, first the Exxon-Valdez, then Sarah Palin, and now it looks like their senior senator is going to jail. After a 40 year political career, Sen. Ted Stevens was convicted on seven corruption charges. He faces up to five years for each count, but Federal Sentencing Guidelines being written on another planet and all, he might face no jail time at all. Not that it matters, I mean this fossil is 84 years old so anything over a year could be considered a life sentence. Think this might hurt his chances for re-election? Youuuu betcha!

ENTERTAINMENT

A Led Zeppelin reunion without Robert Plant? Yeah… that makes sense. Get a 30 year old wide-eyed groupie to replace one of the greatest frontmen ever, I'm sure the fans won't be offended at all. I mean it's not like you are trying to rip them off or anything.

SPORTS

In the continuing soap opera that is the Dallas Cowboys, nice to see that they can depend on steady players like TE Jason Whitten to keep the team level-headed on the field. Wait a minute…maybe not…add him to the injured list with a broken rib, and in the week when they need him the most too. That sucks. They are playing the 6-1 Giants.

Americans don't like rugby, and the English don't like NFL football. Can we stop playing there now, before someone really gets hurt on that weak turf at Wembley Stadium?

Only fitting that Greg Oden should play in Portland, because he is becoming as delicate as Bill Walton.

And congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies for their first World Series since 1980. I hope they celebrate with free steaks from Geno's. Is it me, or does MLB Commissioner Bud Selig just always get it wrong? I know he is in a tough position, but his decision making can be weird. First their was that ridiculous All-Star game tie, and now to play a World Series game during a monsoon was just dangerous. To have to suspend that game and continue it two days later with a 3 inning game to decide a championship was even weirder, but at least we all got to go to bed early.

THIS WEEK'S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Joe the Plumber

The JB Random Report 10/23/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Even I have to admit Sarah Palin was entertaining on Saturday Night Live. She helped her cause greatly by having a sense of humor about herself, not to mention that she is kinda cute. Her candidacy has been the greatest thing to happen to that show since John Belushi.

I am always saying that local politicians are merely people whose deepest, darkest secret prohibits them from running for a higher office…and here’s further proof of that! Nebraska state senator Ernie Chambers had his case thrown out of Douglas County District Court. Not for any other reason but that this man was trying to sue God. Now it was entertained long enough for the judge to dismiss the case not because the Plaintiff is a complete fucking maniac, but because since no address can be found for God he could not be served with process. I guess there is nothing better for the legal system to do in Nebraska. See this is why these yahoos don’t get any Homeland Security money!

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

In a world full of gold-digging Heather Mills McCartneys, it’s nice to see a guy (no pun intended) get paid for having to bang an irrelevant hag for 8 years. After consulting her Kaballah advisors, who I guess make all the decisions for this insecure nitwit, Madonna is gonna pay up. Looks like Guy Ritchie might be getting $40 million for keeping the younger folks that like his movies interested in her. Mills did absolutely nothing to help McCartney’s exposure and still got millions. So, in the words of Malcolm X, “I say what the Bible says, I say what the Qur’an says…I say it’s justice.”

A light has gone out in the world. We are all suffering the loss of an icon. The man, the myth, the legend, Rudy Ray Moore, best known to 70’s blaxploitation fans as Dolemite the Kung Fu Pimp, died Sunday.
When your signature line was "rappin' and tappin' is my game!" You know the world is just a bit darker without you.

SPORTS

Maybe it’s not good for TV ratings, but the Tampa Bay Rays are the most interesting team in baseball, and they deserve to be in the World Series. What I love about them, and the reason why baseball purists should jump on their bandwagon, is that they did it the right way…developing their farm system and hanging on to their young talent. I remember ten years ago when the Yankees did that. All those good players they have are under contract for a while. So get used to them being good. The Phillies have been winning together a bit longer, so they might pull out the series in 7 games, but even I thought Tampa Bay was gonna stay in the cellar this season.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I saw an ad the other day where people who own pets were referring to themselves as “pet parents” as opposed to “pet owners” Are you fucking kidding me? Did you actually give birth to that flea bag? I can’t believe how pathetic these pet lovers have become that they attempt to justify the fact that they are social retards by giving animals human traits.

The JB Random Report 10/16/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

This presidential campaign is getting a bit testy isn’t it? Sarah Palin clearly isn’t qualified to be the vice president of a local chapter of Oprah’s Book Club, much less the most powerful nation in the world. Let me see if I understand this correctly…According to an official investigation, Sarah Palin abused her power in attempting to get her ex-brother in law fired, yet broke no law and will not be sanctioned at all? She is showing signs of finally realizing that she is in waaay over her air-filled head. Notice how she is cracking under the pressure by desperately accusing Barack Obama of supporting terrorist groups because in 1995 he was in the same room with William Ayers? A man who incidentally was cleared of all accusations made against him due to prosecutorial misconduct. And any involvement by Ayers in any subversive groups was at a time when Obama was in grade school. This is your big skeleton in the closet?

But the most disturbing thing was that Town Hall Meeting that John McCain spoke at in Minnesota last week. Who knew those people up there were so hostile and racist? I thought everyone from that part of the country was like those yahoos in that movie “Fargo.”
Look, racism comes from two places…fear and ignorance. Those people in Minnesota showed both. The prospect of a black president terrifies these people so much that they have turned into members of the John Birch Society. Their fear comes from the reality that even they know that Obama is the best candidate. Even they know that Republicans have investigated anyone and everyone who has ever crawled up Obama’s ass and still can’t come up with any legitimate questions as to his character or qualifications. So they resort to their last line of defense…hateful comments and hostility. You know, I actually feel bad for these people, kinda the same way I feel bad for vegetarians who drone on about saving cows but have never had a hot dog at Yankee Stadium or a steak at Geno’s in Philly.

Now I’m gonna use a term that no one has used in this campaign yet…ready?...here it is…Game Changer!! And guess what? McCain didn’t get one in this final Presidential debate. Once again, just because he did better than he did in the first two debates, doesn’t mean he won this one. Not that I was too happy with Obama either. There were at least three occasions where he could have let McCain have it but decided to pull his punches. Obama is “misunderestimating “(if I may take one of my final opportunities to quote President Fuck Up) his lead, thinking that he has the election in the bag and doesn’t have to fight back too hard. Dude…remember 2004!

ENTERTAINMENT

With all due respect to Joe Piscopo doing Frank Sinatra…have you ever in the history of Saturday Night Live seen a better imitation of anyone than Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin?

Guy Ritchie finally makes a good movie after separating from that hag Madonna…coincidence?

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Thank you. However, I’m so good in bed that I have never really needed sexual reassurances about size, but thank you again for using the word “huge.” I have heard “big,” “big enough,” “above average,” even had a girl say “wow” once…but never “huge.” I don’t know if you were needlessly stroking my ego, or you dated a lot of Japanese guys, but thank you. Yes...thank you.

There is a reason why Democrats are more fun than Republicans. It’s a solid group of people that can hold an intellectual conversation at a fundraiser peppered consistently with the word “fuck” and still manage to maintain its seriousness.

SPORTS

The Dallas Cowboys have given us a whole lot of drama to digest this week haven’t they? On the field, tying it on a 52 yard field goal with 4 seconds left was one of the best plays I’ve ever seen in the regular season. At that moment, the momentum of the game was theirs, and they manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. I like Tony Romo, but why is it that on 3rd and inches he can’t run it in? Troy Aikman always ran those in…of course he has 12 concussions but whatever. The Cowboys and Wade Phillips will have a lot to prove in the next 4 weeks, as Romo, who hasn’t been protected by his offensive line at all lately, will be out with a broken pinkie. He says he wants to play next week, but I knew Brett Favre, I watched Brett Favre, I chose Bret Favre playing Madden 09…Tony Romo you are no Bret Favre!
Off the field, Terrell Owens is still a maniac, and Adam Jones just got himself suspended by the NFL again. They did pick up Roy Williams, whose first 10 yards are actually faster than T.O.’s, so that’s good news.
Jerry Jones is an owner, not a “real” general manager, but I think he has been able to put together a good team. He took a chance on Adam Jones, and it looks like he gambled and lost. Everyone deserves a second chance, but Adam Jones has had six so far. Maybe it is time to move on.

But as quickly as the Cowboys seem to be imploding, I want to express my sympathy to Jets fans. It’s been 2 weeks of having to tolerate those eye sores they call uniforms.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

OK I first want to apologize for sounding like an elitist music geek…but what is Os Mutantes music doing in a fucking McDonald’s Happy Meal commercial? This is a great, very influential band from Brazil; the brainchild of a brilliant guitar player named Sergio Dias. Their work from 40 years ago sounds just as fresh and interesting today. The Velvet Underground of “Tropicalia” music certainly deserve better than getting commercialized by that obnoxious fucking clown.

The JB Random Report 10/8/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

People, don’t get too excited. Remember John Kerry won all three debates over George W Bush in 2004. I mean, ok, Kerry did have an unfair advantage as Bush is a retard, but winning didn’t seem to matter much to the shitheads that voted for the guy they wanted to have a beer with.

I’m curious as to how the $700 billion rescue package wasn’t approved by the House until $140 billion was added to it for “pork-barrel” projects. Didn’t John McCain say that he was against this? Why did he vote for the plan without so much as a token objection? In all fairness, Barack Obama voted for it too, but “getting rid of pork” and “making them famous” was a McCain campaign promise, not an Obama promise. So is anyone famous yet?

And it’s nice to finally see some fiscal responsibility from big corporations. Days after it got $37.8 billion in a federal bailout, American International Group Inc. tightened its financial belt by spending $440,000 to send its executives to the St. Regis resort south of Los Angeles, complete with spa treatments, banquets and golf outings. But they refused to be decadent, inside sources told me that the company refused to pay for the hookers.

A federal judge ordered the Bush administration to immediately free 17 Chinese Muslims known as Uighurs from Guantanamo Bay. Great idea until U.S. District Judge Ricardo M. Urbina also suggested that they be released into the United States. Brilliant…let’s put the guys who hated us to begin with, that we illegally imprisoned, onto US soil. I mean its not like Muslim fanatics have a violent reputation or anything.
The Bush administration has refused to turn the Uighurs over to China because they might be tortured. Right…concerns about torture from the folks who brought you Abu-Ghraib. How can they stack bullshit so high?

SPORTS

I didn’t make picks for the World Series this year, but I have to admit while speaking at the revered water cooler, I did favor the Cubs and the Angels. Both teams are gone. I really thought they were the best teams, even though, and I hate to admit it, I am quietly rooting for Joe Torre and the Dodgers, even if Manny Ramirez is a flake. And speaking of flakes, when talking about how Alex Rodriguez can’t bring it in the post season, let’s not forget the numbers of the guy he was traded for, Alfonso Soriano who is bating a robust .213 in postseason games and hit .071 in his last series.

In further proof that you can’t take the redneck out of the boy, Houston Astros pitcher Brandon Backe was arrested in a brawl…at a wedding reception. There’s something for the wedding video.

Terrell Owens is a maniac. Since he only got the ball twice last week, now he wants to invoke God’s glory into his whining. Dude, God is busy with the financial crisis he doesn’t care how many times you got the ball.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Why not just oil up those yentas on “The View” and have them wrestle? None of them have any well read political opinions, which is why they are so hostile to each other when they start talking politics. It’s kinda getting tired to watch them think they have brains, except for Barbara Walters of course. So break out the mats and baby oil because there really is nothing left for them to do.

The JB Random Report 10/2/08

WILL WRITE YOUR BLOG FOR FOOD!

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Last week’s Presidential debate had no clear winner. John McCain showed his political savvy by being able to make every point he wanted to against a man who is clearly a better speaker than him. The “Nixon-Kennedy” effect bounced right off McCain and a better looking, better speaking Barack Obama, didn’t totally kill him in the debate. Something that can kill McCain (besides old age) is that Sarah Palin.
Did you see that Vice Presidential debate? First of all, why is there only one? I loved watching how Sarah Palin just decided to ask then answer her own questions, ignoring Gwen Ifill all together. I guess she wanted to talk about the things she had been spending weeks studying. Come on, this brain tumor didn’t even know Afghanistan was a country until someone told her. She also spent part of the debate criticizing the government and how it should not be involved in taxing or health care. Did anyone tell her that her party is the one currently in office and has been for 8 years? I’ve never seen so many lights on while no one was home. I was surprised that Joe Biden, not known for his warmth, didn’t go in for the kill. With her mildly retarded answers, she gave him more than one opportunity to wipe the floor with her and he didn’t, and this race is too close not to. Biden clearly dominated the debate, but the blow up doll is still up way past her bed time. I’m hoping to start a new trend by calling her public speaking engagements “Talking Points to Nowhere.” You all have my permission to use it (during private conversations only of course).

With a 27% approval rating, which even when combined with our lowered expectations of him is pretty bad, all I hoped for was that President Bush didn’t have one more big “fuck-up” left in him before he left office. I hate when my prayers are not answered.
And you know what, Republicans? To use the Obama phrase…Yes We Can!...blame this administration for the financial crisis. The de-regulation that Bush was so supportive of played a major role in corporate greed running amok.
What kills me is how once again the Republicans in the House played on the stupidity of the American people by saying “We won’t bail out Wall Street at the expense of the American taxpayer.” Yeah, like not bailing out the companies where all those American taxpayers have their 401(k) retirement packages is really in their best interest. And in further proof that Members of the House are merely politicians whose deepest, darkest secret prohibits them from running for higher office, even some of the slower minded Democrats are falling for that line. Like Jose Serrano (D), Representative from the Bronx. The only New York Representative not to vote for the “rescue package” bill (sounds a lot nicer than “bailout” right? Almost like no one is gonna go to jail over this), said something to the effect that his constituents will suffer. What he fails to see is that any of his constituents who want to retire one day will suffer even more. And what I fail to see is how someone this stupid was elected to public office. How can I know more about the financial crisis and the effect it will have on his constituents than he does?
And Nancy Pelosi, next time you send a bill to the floor, make sure you actually have the votes to pass it. In our justifiable hatred for Republicans in office, we have continually given Pelosi a pass and not mentioned she is one of the weakest, most ineffective House Speakers we have ever had. Incidentally, this woman is only two heartbeats away from the presidency. The only heart stopping her is Dick Cheney’s…and he has a pacemaker!

ENTERTAINMENT

I have always wondered what makes someone an icon. That’s such a big word, and like many other big words, overused by people with a limited vocabulary. So much that it can sometimes lose its luster. To me, a necessary ingredient in making an icon is how others can relate to and identify with them. Now that’s not the only factor, I mean people consider Princess Diana an icon and not all of us have lived in Buckingham Palace. But more of us can identify with “Fast” Eddie Felson, a guy who was really good at something, but not good enough to be great enough to beat someone who really is great just once. Then later on seeing someone with all of the talent he wishes he had, and none of the brains he does have. That’s hard.
Maybe all of us don’t know what its like to be smart enough to be anything, but ending up in jail for trying to break into a parking meter. And while in there, fighting the biggest guy, getting your ass kicked for breakfast, yet the whole prison comes to worship you. That’s damn near impossible, but not for “Cool Hand Luke” Jackson. That’s why we love fiction so much, and those who really know how to tell it.
We really are losing our icons, and there is no one today that can replace them. No actor today can play a hard luck loser without looking like a clown. There was only one who could make a character look so beautiful in defeat. Only one that can make the anti-hero so romantic as to be almost envied. So I guess part of being an icon is being irreplaceable. Paul Newman will be missed.

Clay Aiken finally revealed that he was gay last week, after keep it such a well-guarded secret for so long. In a related story, the economy is fucked, the sky is blue, and the world is round.

SPORTS

Joe Torre made the playoffs again for the 13th time in a row…too bad it was with the Dodgers. Seriously what were the Yankees thinking? I said it before and I’ll say it again…if anyone could have done Joe Torre’s job better than Joe Torre then replace him, but no one could. Not that I don’t like Joe Girardi, but the Yankees are home right now. Torre, Don Mattingly and Larry Bowa are not. Nice to see Brian Cashman getting a contract extension, keeping the Yankee tradition of over paying useless free agents. Not that I totally dislike Cashman either, but he seems to get a pass for a lot of bad decisions (two words…Carl Pavano) and credit for winning teams that he didn’t even build. Remember it was the first black General Manager in baseball history, Bob Watson that built those World Series teams from scratch.

Did anyone see that surreal press conference given by 79 year old Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis explaining why he fired head coach Lane Kiffin? It was like watching the Crypt Keeper in a reality bending Wes Anderson movie.

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

You know a very embarrassing way to gauge whether or not you might have slept with too many girls? Walking down the street, not talking to the girl walking towards you yet recognizing her face without remembering her name, having her give you a certain “look” then wondering to yourself, “Ummm…did we…?” Maybe it’s time to get out of New York for a while.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Although I’ve never actually watched it, it only takes 15 minutes of “The View” to hate that show. Them and stupid religious fanatics who say they follow a Bible they have obviously never even read. Did you see those ridiculous yentas on “The View” trying to convert my hero Bill Maher? I loved it when the fat black chick told Maher that “God spoke to me,” and Maher just said “then its time to call Bellevue.” It’s sad when these religious yahoos have no proof what so ever of their beliefs yet criticize those who choose not to have an imaginary friend to talk to. When did America get so dumb? I haven’t recommended a movie since 2006, but you really should see “Religulous,” especially those who follow religion blindly.

The Stadium 9/24/08

I’m far from Mozart, so I can’t imagine writing a decent requiem. This weekend, anyone and everyone in sports and even in some other fields, seemed to weigh in on the closing of the greatest sports venue in the history of the world, the legendary house that Ruth built, Yankee Stadium. They shared their favorite moments; they waxed poetic about history, about the game. Even reminiscing about events that had little to do with sports, like Nelson Mandela’s speech after he had spent nearly 30 years in a South African prison, three Papal masses, and some great concerts. Everyone spoke of their memorable moments at the stadium, well I have some too.
Yankee fans certainly do deserve a state of the art baseball park, there is do doubt about that. The building of the new stadium did create jobs and stimulate an area that was once a rough place to look at. No one is objecting to the building of a new stadium. So why was the old one so hard to let go of? It could be the fact that there will be fewer seats available for the fan that is not a corporation. Add the fact that ticket prices are increasing in the new ballpark, in some sections by about 400% percent, hardly a reason for the ordinary fan to celebrate.
You know, when someone asks me “how many Yankee games have you been to?” I usually respond with “More than I can remember.” Over the weekend I realized that I have saved every single ticket stub since I was a kid, so I actually can remember. I then pulled out the old shoe box and decided to do that very thing. Well I can tell you one thing; I sure have been to a whole lotta Yankee games. Since everyone and their mother was on TV describing their favorite memories of the stadium, I figured that given how much that place means to me and my childhood, I was entitled to my list as well. Now those of you who know me might skip some of the entries whose story you have heard so many times, but here they are. I was going to do ten, but I decided that my top 5 greatest Yankee Stadium moments can tell the story of what I’m going through just as well. I was also there for Derek Jeter’s 2,000th hit and his only grand slam, but when I was thinking about my favorite moments, I always went back to my child/young adult hood. Maybe that is saying something too. So in order this time, here they are…

5- July 20, 1993. Seattle Mariners. Field Box Sec 22 Row B Seat 5 $16.00. I had never seen a grand slam homerun before, until Mike Stanley, catcher for the Yankees right before they made their World Series runs, hit one in the 3rd inning. The place exploded. People forget the great year he had in 1993. And I remember one of many games I went to with my uncle Domingo. We shared so many memories of that place, I loved going with him and sharing those memories, talking shit about family we didn’t like, but mostly because I was underage and he would buy me beer. Nah…I’m just kidding…

4- August 30, 1992. U2 concert, ZOO TV Tour. Field Sec Floor B Row 10 Seat 26 $30.00. Because I had floor seats, it was the only time I had set foot on the actual field at the stadium. Walking onto the field I realized where so many legends had once stood. I looked up at the stands thinking “Wow this is what Don Mattingly sees everyday. This is where Babe Ruth hit so many homeruns.” I was dizzy. Oh yeah, the show was pretty good too. It was at a time when the technology that we take for granted today was in its infancy as far as availability to the public on a massive scale. The stage was its own broadcast studio and had satellite links to anywhere in the world. Bono even decided to call the White House during the show and ask for George HW Bush, who was president at the time. Hysterical. Remember this is a band that had almost called it quits while writing Actung Baby, the album of this tour. The sessions were going nowhere until someone played the opening chords to the song “One” and while not a personal favorite, that song and this tour ultimately saved the band.

3- April 12,1993, Opening Day. Kansas City Royals. Main Box Sec 9 Row E Seat 6 $16.00. Jim Valvano, coach of the 1983 NCAA Champion North Carolina State Wolfpack was scheduled to throw out the first pitch. At the time he was dying of cancer. Too sick to make it to the game that day, “Who would they get as a replacement?” I wondered. And that’s when I saw him for the first time…He walked out of the dugout into the light of the field as he had done for so many years, a regal air about him. Everyone in the opposing dugout stopped just for a glimpse of him. As he approached the mound, the immortal voice of Yankee Stadium, Bob Sheppard, announced him as “The World’s Greatest Living Ballplayer.” He threw a strike, then waved at the crowd that had been standing and cheering wildly since he came out on to the field. Then in his own dignified way, shaking off the ghosts of the game that had ever so slightly battered his now aging body, moving as if on air, Joe DiMaggio quietly walked off the field and the game began.

2- September 4, 1993. Cleveland Indians. Field Box Sec 22 Row D Seat 8 $16.00. It was such an overcast day. “Let’s just stay for the first few innings. We have been to a lot of games this year anyway, and nothing can top DiMaggio on Opening Day, right?” Wrong. By the 7th inning “I’ll just finish this one last hot dog and we’ll just call it a day and beat the crowd.” As I was wiping the remnants of my Yankeedog I happened to glance at the scoreboard. Sit back down, we are not going anywhere. At that moment, every pitch thrown by Jim Abbott was met with a reaction unique to this place. Every close call that didn’t go his way met with the ire of thousands of rabid fans eager to witness history. In the 9th Kenny Lofton tried to bunt his way on, and was met with a barrage of boos so violent he must have thought himself a convicted murderer. A spiteful reaction well deserved. How do you bunt on a one-armed man when he has a no-hitter in the 9th inning you asshole? A weakly hit ball to short…a no-hitter for Jim Abbott. I never allowed the thought of leaving a game early to enter my head again.

1- October 26, 1996. Game 6, 1996 World Series, Atlanta Braves. Main Reserved Sec M28 Row E Seat 10 $45.00 It had been 18 years since the Yankees had won a World Series. That’s why every single playoff game that year was so full of anticipation. Even when they went down 0-2 in the series, losing the first two games at home, you just knew they were going to make one last stand. The pictures I took of the game look as though it were being played in someone’s bedroom. The stadium looked like it was going to spill over, it was so packed that night. The Braves put future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux on the mound against Jimmy Key. Both pitchers were great. But it was the 3rd inning when Joe Girardi hit a triple that charged the crowd. It was the first time I had ever felt the stadium literally shake. In the 7th Mariano Rivera came in and shut down the Braves for the next 2 innings (he was a great set up man before becoming the greatest closer ever). In the 9th John Wettland came on to close it out. Charlie Hayes had already replaced Wade Boggs at 3rd base, manager Joe Torre remembered the 1986 World Series where a late inning defensive replacement was not made and Bill Buckner... well, you know. It was Hayes who caught the last out, and I don’t remember ever cheering so hard in my life. Of all 4 championships the Yankees won in this era, 1996 was the first one they clinched at home, and I was there. I guess a part of all of us who loved that place always will be…

Total Cost of Tickets: $123.00 Memories: Priceless

The JB Random Report 9/17/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

WASHINGTON – Remember how I’m always saying that whenever Washington wants to bury a story they make a statement on Friday hoping that by the weekend it will be forgotten? Well now they are using a new, more cynical trick…breaking news on September 11th, when the nation is reflecting on other, more significant things. This story shouldn't be forgotten because it’s the most bizarre sex scandal I can remember. It involves the usual sex and drugs, but…offshore oil drilling? Yeah, because nothing says “PAAAAARTY!!” like, umm…offshore oil drilling.
An odd mix that could not have come at a worse time for a US Congress trying to expand off shore drilling and stop the democrats from increasing taxes on oil companies.
An investigation by the Department of the Interior found workers at the Minerals Management Service's royalty collection office in Denver partying, having sex, using drugs and accepting gifts, ski trips and golf outings from energy company representatives with whom they did government business. Let’s make them “E-famous” shall we? Chevron, Shell, Hess and Gary-Williams Energy, were all named in the investigation. At this point I think that we are numbed by how blatantly oil companies are running this administration and this president.

Is it me, or did that footage on CNN of employees of now bankrupt investment bank Lehman Brothers leaving with boxes of whatever they could carry out of their offices remind you of people in Texas fleeing hurricane Ike? I know it’s hard to be sympathetic to Wall Street, but it’s scary to think that on Friday you had a job, and by dawn’s early light on Monday you are unemployed, rushing to get your belongings out of your office before the bank comes. There were even cops outside the lobby. I really never thought I would live to see this country’s economy fail so badly. Anyone with a 401k really needs to keep a close eye on this, I am deadly serious.

ATTENTION CITIZENS!!! The US economy is an Irish Bar, and Amy Winehouse just staggered in and asked to run a tab.

So what do you think of that Sarah Palin action figure? Does anyone know if it comes in the larger, ummm…”blow-up” variety?

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes being bummed out about a dating situation can make me forget that I’m so cute it’s pitiful. Thankfully that only lasts a short time. I feel considerably better after getting naked in front of a mirror and seeing how amazing my body is looking lately. I’m sorry was I thinking out loud again?
Thinking out loud always gets me in trouble. I remember my ex girlfriend saying to me, "Jesse...I know I turn you on physically, but do I turn you on mentally?” and I said "Yeah...right now my brain is as hard as a rock"...got kicked out of the house for that one

I couldn’t possibly make this one up…a 35-year-old Illinois woman suffered a stroke during sex (hey don’t look at me, I was in New York at the time). The woman's symptoms were typical of an unusual, rare kind of "cryptogenic" stroke. In order for them to occur there has to be a “perfect storm” of things happening together. In this particular case, a small opening in the wall between the two upper chambers of the heart, also known as Patent Foramen Ovale or PFO, was the cause. This is the area that blood flows through when a person strains, like during an orgasm. You know, this explains why she never called me back…

SPORTS

I gotta be honest, I don’t remember the last time I actually sat through every single down of a Monday Night Football game, at least not since ESPN took over for ABC a few years ago. But the game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys however, had to be one of the greatest Monday night games ever. Now I am happy to report that the critics were right, the commentating team of Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski is so fucking bad it has me wishing for a return to the days of Dennis Miller. The icing on the cake being that idiot Kornheiser, when describing the Spanish broadcast of Felix Jones’ touchdown return said "I took high school Spanish, either he said he's not going to be caught, or please pick up my dry cleaning tomorrow." Brilliant…and on Hispanic Heritage Month too. But even I have to admit Kornheiser was right about one thing; if the Cowboys are going to be anointed as a Super Bowl team, this was a game they had to win if they wanted to make a statement concerning the early hype that has surrounded them. It was a thrilling offensive game, with neither team being able to make a decent stop, and by the 3rd quarter you just knew that whoever had the ball last was gonna win the game. That did just happen to be Dallas. Felix Jones looked great, but it was Marion Barber with those short touchdown runs that won that game.

What the hell could possibly be going through Josh Howard’s mind? Doesn’t he know by now that any dumb thing you say, even in private, in front of a camera is gonna end up on Youtube? If you are stupid enough to say, “I don’t celebrate that shit (referring to the National Anthem) because I’m black god damnit” in front of a camera, then why not just move to the country whose anthem you are willing to celebrate and see if they will pay you millions to put a ball through a hoop while tolerating your illegal drag racing and marijuana use.

OK so Carlos Zambrano threw a no-hitter, Derek Jeter broke Lou Gehrig’s hits record at Yankee Stadium…great. But how can you possibly expect me to talk baseball when the Yanks are out of it for the first time since the Clinton years?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Women who wear make up to the gym. It’s a gym you ridiculous, peabrain, insecure bimbos, not ladies night at the Copacabana.

The JB Random Report 9/10/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

About 5 years ago, I helped a friend move his family into their first house out in Long Island. Over the years we had outdoor parties, barbecues, beerfests and domino games into the night. This weekend, I helped him move out. He had to sell in order to avoid foreclosure. A few thousand bucks could have saved the house, but it wasn't to be. At the same time this was happening, our government bailed out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and no, these are not white rappers getting out of a suburban jail, these are federally subsidized mortgage companies who were so grossly mismanaged they need an act of Congress to save them; a move which will ultimately place the liability of 5 trillion dollars in default mortgages on the backs of US taxpayers. Now this wouldn't bother me so much if 70% of all new mortgages in recent months hadn't been approved by these companies. If they knew they were in trouble, why continue to operate without at least warning people? This would send any CEO of a non-government subsidized company directly to jail. Instead, those same assholes are getting severance packages in the millions, all while the deficit rises at $750,000 a minute. All my friend needed was a window of a few thousand dollars and he could have kept his home. The interest rate on our deficit alone could build a new home for every registered voter in the United States. When we go to the polls this November, we will all have political reasons for our choices…I think I just found a personal one.

BANGKOK, Thailand - Samak Sundaravej, Thailand's prime minister was forced to resign along with his cabinet on Tuesday after a court ruled that he had violated the constitution by hosting TV cooking shows while in office. An incredibly stupid reason to remove anyone from office, and I assure you that Samak's pending corruption charges have more to do with the removal, but it did make me wish that Dick Cheney would go on Rachel Ray.

Looks like North Korean dictator, Western movie fan and maniac Kim Jong Il is missing. He is about 5' 2" so he is gonna be hard to find, he could be hiding in the hamper again. Just be on the lookout for a little Korean kid who goes to Chuck E Cheese all by himself and asks for the big boy cup!

Joe Biden indirectly attacked Sarah Palin for the first time, and for a minute it almost looked like vintage "foot in mouth" Biden. Palin as you know has a child with down syndrome, and Biden said (and I am paraphrasing) "If you love special needs children so much, why not support stem-cell research?" The Republicans called this statement "a new low." I hate to admit it, but I call it a fair policy question on a relevant political issue posed to someone running for the vice-presidency. And that "lipstick on a pig" phony outrage by these republicans is so pathetic. Barack Obama went to Harvard, if he wanted a way to insult Sarah Palin he could have easily thought of something more clever than that. This fake, "Swift-boat" Republican outrage is not gonna work this time…we have had enough of that shit.

SPORTS

OK someone call National Geographic because it looks like NFL quarterbacks are becoming an endangered species. Odd considering that there are many talented veterans like Daunte Culpepper for example, who are sitting at home unemployed waiting on phone calls. Tom Brady was without a doubt the biggest casualty not only of week 1 in the NFL, but of its entire season. The AFC is wide open now which is actually gonna make this season very exciting in that conference. And someone give Vince Young a hug before he does something really stupid. Thank God he has an injury and will be off the field for a while so he can mellow out. And guys, I have said before that Jessica Simpson is the white trash redneck version of Yoko Ono, but she is not on the field, Tony Romo is, so who cares what she says? Play the game. Stop factoring in his girlfriend just because she is a famous airhead. Although I can assure you of one thing Jessica, Philly is clearly the last crowd in the world you wanna rile up. Remember these are the same fans that beat up a Santa Clause at an Eagles game during Christmas a few years ago

THIS WEEK'S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

That British shithead who hosted the MTV Video Music Awards. Could that show be any lamer? Remember when that show was cool? Remember when they (briefly) got Van Halen to reunite? When Jay-Z warmed up the crowd in a rainstorm at the Metropolitan Opera House? Howard Stern doing Fartman? Prince with the ass-less pants doing "Get Off" on a stage that resembled a bachelor party in Sodom and Gomorrah? Poison having a public meltdown on the stage. Slash giving a drunken acceptance speech for Guns n Roses because everyone else in his band was too stoned to talk? No one had to go on stage to defend those creepy "purity rings." Ironic considering that half those artists that preach abstinence will probably be leaking "stolen" sex tapes whenever they need a career boost. I miss the old days, where at least no one was a hypocrite. This is why celebrities are so hated nowadays…no one knows who the fuck half these people are or why their 1 hit song has made them so famous, and no one believes in them anymore. When I was a kid, we believed in the angst, rage and poetry of Kurt Cobain…so what if he was a suicidal junkie, that's beside the point. You know, I think I have officially given up on that show