The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2008

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – I’ll start off with something simple, and since brevity is the soul of wit, brilliant as well…"There are no atheists in foxholes and there are no libertarians in financial crises." / Paul Krugman on “Real Time with Bill Maher“

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – It was almost the Summer Olympics, but the most watchable television this year wasn’t exactly a show. CNN’s coverage of the 2008 Presidential election. The coverage combined with the background stories and cool graphics kept you informed as well as interested. When that holograph thing was on it was the coolest thing on TV.

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – You know, all I hoped for was that President George W. Bush, or as I have come to call him, President Fuck Up, didn’t actually have the energy left in him for one more big, well…fuck up. He has proven his mettle by giving us yet one last big fuck up to remember him by…the worst economic failure since The Great Depression. So his legacy will not only be that he couldn’t find oil in Texas, he also couldn’t turn a war in to an economic success like Truman did after World War II or Clinton did after the first Iraq war in 1991. Wars equal economic progress, that has been true since Ancient Greece…how can you possibly fuck that up? Well our boy is resilient. I so wanted the most historically significant election ever in the US to be the news story of the year, but the economic crisis will unfortunately have a greater, more immediate impact on us all.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Fiction) – “Mercy”/Toni Morrison. I first read “Sula” when I was in college. I have to say I have been hooked ever since.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Non-Fiction) – American Lion: Andrew Jackson in the White House / Jon Meacham. I guess when you are the editor of Newsweek, you have access to historical material that we peons don’t.

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Sean Avery? Plaxico Burress? I wish it were that simple, and I wish the actions of these two buffoons were the worst things done this year by an individual, but they were not. That’s why this year’s award goes to Ponzi scam genius Bernard L. Madoff. I have nothing against rich assholes getting burned by their own greed. Mort Zuckerman publishes that worthless rag the New York Daily News. Norman Braman owned the Philadelphia Eagles, so they can stand to lose a few million. Fred Wilpon just built a new Stadium for the New York Mets, so it looks like the Yankees won’t be the only team dramatically raising ticket prices now that this idiot lost his shirt. But when a charitable institution like the JEHT Foundation, (Justice, Equality, Human dignity and Tolerance), has to send an e-mail to the Fair Food Foundation based in Ann Arbor, which set out to find ways to get fresher, healthy food to residents of poor city neighborhoods, the Rhode Island Family Life Center, Advocates for Environmental Human Rights out of New Orleans which used a grant from JEHT to pursue a lawsuit charging "environmental racism" in the predominantly black Louisiana town of Mossville, where the soil and water are polluted by 14 surrounding factories, saying that the $30 million in checks that they were waiting for isn’t coming, then this prick Madoff should be held accountable.

POLITITIAN OF THE YEAR – The first two-time winner in the history of this award, President Elect Barack Obama made history as we all watched. For me, it was never about the first black president, it was about this country putting its petty, bullshit fears behind it and electing the best man for the job, regardless of race. It was a shining moment in an otherwise abysmal period in our history.

FELONY CONVICTION OF THE YEAR – Well it looks like “the Juice” is no longer loose. OJ Simpson is finally going away. The judge said that she was not going to try a 13 year old case and was only going to concentrate on this one, but who really believed that bullshit? Look, the Juice is probably a murdering asshole, but look at this from an objective, purely legal standpoint…OJ was the only one that got nine years, and he wasn’t even armed. And technically it was his first offense in that state, how do you get nine years for that? I say what I’ve always said…let’s give OJ a chance to escape, and here’s how we do it. Since he was the fist running back to ever rush for over 2,000 yards in the NFL, how about we put him 2,000 yards away from the Mexican border, if he can make it before the US Border Patrol shoot him, let him go.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Che.” Over four hours long, and the entire film will keep you in it from start to finish. When a story can keep you interested for four hours, how can it not be the movie of the year? Whenever a film is made about a historical figure, there are always stories you wish had made the film, like the time a boat he was in was sinking, and he could save either his medical bag or a box of ammunition. Keeping in mind that he was a doctor, which one do you think he chose to save? I won’t tell you the answer, but I would have liked to see an interpretation of that choice on film. But that’s just me. Regardless, this was the best film of the year, one of the best films of this decade. Did I mention it was four hours long?

DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR – “Religulous.” Bill Maher wasn’t trying to offend anyone when he made this film, he just managed to. And anyone offended by this film is so afraid of their religion they can’t be objective.

COOLEST MOVIE WITH NO OVERLY FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT – “Twilight.”

COOLEST MOVIE WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT THAT YOU STILL DIDN’T
SEE – “Choke.” I don’t know shit about the Oscars, but it would be really lame if Anjelica Huston doesn’t get at least a nomination for an Academy Award for her performance in this movie.

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR – Sam Rockwell for “Frost/Nixon” and “Choke”

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “Chinese Democracy”/Guns & Roses. I hate to believe the hype, but I can’t believe how good this record is.

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT - “Cath…”/Death Cab for Cutie

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Kim and Jesse” / M83

COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR – Kings of Leon

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The New York Giants. Winning what was arguably the greatest Super Bowl in history in the biggest upset in history makes them an easy pick. What I loved about them is how no one gave them a chance, and everyone wanted to watch the New England Patriots make history. The media talked about the Giants the way you do about a hated stepchild, as if they weren’t even there. Well they certainly showed up at the Super Bowl. When will Boston/New England ever learn? We always beat you when it matters most. Sure you have won one recent ALCS against the Yankees, but that is out of how many that we have crushed you people? Just accept second place, you will feel better. Plaxico Burress drama and Michael Strahan retirement aside, this team is not only the best team in the NFL so far this year with a 12-4 record, but for the second season in a row has given us the best late season game of the year. Last year around this time they gave the New England Patriots all they could handle, a precursor of the Super Bowl. This year they have once again thrilled us at the end of the season this year with an overtime victory against the Carolina Panthers, clinching home field advantage.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Michael Phelps, Swimmer. OK so Sports Illustrated beat me to it by naming him their “Sportsman of the Year” but who else could it have possibly been? He kept us glued to the TV for two weeks this summer, and no one wanted to see him fail. He has no felony convictions (at least not yet), he is not shooting himself at a nightclub or beating a live-in girlfriend. How can you not like this guy?

OVER-RATED ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – This is going to hurt me more than it does you, but this years most over rated athlete is, objectively…Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo. Known more for banging famous airheads than airing out passes, Bill Parcells was right when he said “Don’t anoint him just yet.” For all his hype, he has yet to get the Cowboys out of the first round of the playoffs, and this year seemed to just implode under pressure in Philadelphia, missing the playoffs altogether. As a Cowboys fan I have to say it’s disappointing to see him on the cover of every stupid, supermarket celebrity rag and not have any championships to show for it. At least Tom Brady has 3 Super Bowl rings.

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE – Oscar De La Hoya. Here is a guy that I watched fight in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona. What I don’t understand is why he keeps fighting. Here is a guy who made more money in his first three years than Felix Trinidad ever made in his entire career, and Trinidad was a much better fighter. And when he wasn’t busy recording albums (I’m serious, he was actually nominated for a fucking Grammy Award, proving yet again how clueless these people are) he actually did fight the best fighters of his time, win or lose. He never ducked anyone, and even managed to gain respect after his losses. Even the guys that beat him like Bernard Hopkins and Shane Mosley ended up working for him. So why would you possibly twitch the nose of Manny Paquiao when he is the best fighter out there right now? After that dismantling, it really is time for the Golden Boy’s Golden years to commence. Dude, you’ve had a great career as a fighter, an even more lucrative career as a promoter, hang ‘em up before you get hurt.

RACIST OF THE YEAR – Mississippi head basketball coach Andy Kennedy. Here’s why he wins the award even though there has been no trial or actual footage of the event like there was last year when that asshole Don Imus won the award. Kennedy was arrested and accused of simple assault of a cab driver named Mohamed Moctar Ould Jiddou. With a name like that, how could racial slurs not be far behind? In all fairness to Kennedy, he did file a defamation suit against said cab driver who filed the charges, but so did Roger Clemens. And let’s not forget Kennedy was arrested for the incident, so I can’t believe he is totally innocent. For a university that had to be integrated at gunpoint…literally, this situation clearly does not help their reputation for racial tolerance.

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – I’m really gonna miss Bo Diddley, Tim Russert, Issac Hayes and George Carlin, and my writing style has been heavily influenced by Studs Terkel since my college history professor suggested I write a paper in the first person narrative from the subjects point of view. It was my first “A” in college. Thank you Dr. Umansky. But I would have to say the person who dropped dead this year that I will miss the most has to be “The Hustler” himself, Paul Newman. I eulogized him when he died, so I won’t do it again here. But there are so many reasons why he will be missed. Such an accomplished individual makes the world a better place.

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!

The JB Random Report 12/17/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Say what you will about President Fuck Up, but the guy can really move can’t he? Who would have thought the mentally challenged could have such good reflexes? He managed to out maneuver not one, but two shoes flung at him by a very angry Iraqi reporter protesting the war and our continued, unwanted presence in that country. With a little training George W. Bush can represent team USA in the 2012 Special Olympics.
In all fairness to Bush though, I think someone who is the leader of a free country that like it or not, did bring greater freedoms to your country is an easy target. I wonder how brave this guy would have been had Saddam Hussein been holding that press conference. He would have had that shoe returned to him stapled to his liver.

Looks like Santa Claus is mad at the automobile industry. In an effort to get everyone to travel by flying reindeer, Congress voted down the billion dollar bail-out for General Motors and Chrysler.

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT

Aren’t you glad I did this before they did? What a lame “All-Time Top Twenty Christmas Songs” list that NBC aired last week. Not that Bing Crosby isn’t great, but come on, does anyone really need to hear “Silent Night,” Andy Williams, or Mariah Carey ever again? And who the fuck is Taylor Swift?

A while back I wrote about a rumor that Benicio Del Toro was going to play Ernesto “Che” Guevarra in a movie and that it was going to be done in Spanish. I remember writing that I hoped Hollywood wouldn’t destroy this idea. I saw the movie today and I must say that they didn’t ruin anything…at least not the 4-hour limited engagement version of the film that I saw. If they don’t edit the crap out of this and turn it into a Spanish version of “Tropic Thunder” then it will be the movie of the year, and Del Toro should get another Award. But you know who really bugged me out in this movie? Lou Diamond Phillips (remember that dude?) speaking a very good, very believable Spanish as Bolivian Communist Party leader Mario Monje.

SPORTS

I guess Terrell Owens just couldn’t let me or any other Dallas Cowboys fans enjoy this season in peace could he? Even though the drama helped because they managed to beat the best team in the NFL right now, the New York Giants. That doesn’t mean that anyone is in control of that team. Obviously Owner Jerry Jones, Head Coach Wade Phillips, and Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett all think that they are in charge. As for the Giants, there are only so many injuries and retirements you can endure before it starts to effect your winning percentage.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

When a ShopRite supermarket in Holland Township, New Jersey got a very odd cake request that it refused to carry out, Heath Campbell was pretty upset about it. Campbell's wife, was equally surprised. "ShopRite can't even make a cake for a 3-year-old," she said. "That's sad." Yes it is, until we found out that your kids names are Adolf Hitler, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler. What’s sad is that Campbell, a Holocaust denier, had the nerve to act surprised when the store refused this request. What’s sad is this retard has no clue how badly his kids are gonna suffer once they reach school age. New Jersey…how the fuck do we share a border with these morons?

My All-Time Favorite Christmas Songs

So many Christmas wishes have been fulfilled this year that I thought it only appropriate that I get myself in the spirit of things early. The 3 major US auto companies are going to get bailed out by the taxpayers as a reward for selling them a sub-standard product for decades (you're welcome, assholes!). Governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich is getting an indictment under his tree for attempting to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat while the FBI was listening on a wiretap (congratulations shithead). The Mets got an amazing closer to go with their new ballpark this season in Felix Rodriguez. And of course, never to be outdone by that other team in New York, the greatest franchise in baseball has nabbed the greatest free agent of the season. CC Sabathia has come to his senses and signed with the Yankees. Santa has been good to Brian Cashman too, I see. I have a few things I want also, but I have yet to see them under my tree. That’s not to say that I’m not well within the spirit of things, I actually am, and more than I have been in years I must say. So in keeping with my Holiday spirit, I have now written yet another one of my famous lists.
As much as a good Christmas song can bring back wonderful childhood memories and immediately transport you to a simpler, happier time, a bad Christmas song (The Beach Boys, Beyonce, Mariah Carey) can make you wanna go on a three state killing spree. In hoping to avoid the latter, I have listed my all-time favorite Christmas songs, enjoy them as I have for so many great seasons. So here they are, in order this time…

MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

Run Rudolph Run (1958)-Chuck Berry. If I properly researched this, I might find that this was probably the first Rock n Roll Christmas song. With Berry’s signature guitar keeping a story about Rudolph company, you would never think it would work, but it does.

Wonderful Christmastime (1979) - Paul McCartney. This song isn’t just cheesy, it is cheese. But I really like it. Remember, the list is my favorite Christmas songs, not the best Christmas songs.

Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto (1968) - James Brown. Only the Godfather of Soul can tell Santa where to go. Telling him “you will see mothers and Soul brothers,” just in case he forgets where he is.

Happy Xmas (War Is Over) (1971) - John Lennon. It was during his “advertising campaign for peace” that he wrote this song and even put up a few billboards around New York City. A bit naïve maybe, but in a good way.

All Alone on Christmas (1992) - Darlene Love. Yes it’s from a lame Home Alone movie, but what a great voice to go with a great message - nobody oughtta be, alone on Christmas.

Do They Know it’s Christmas (1984) - Band Aid. Another cheesy song, but I like it. And I like a lot of the people that were on it like U2, Sting, Peter Weller and Freddy Mercury just to name a few.

Christmas Time is Here (1965) - Vince Guaraldi Trio. Mena can attest to this. If you worked at Tower Records at Christmas, you know “A Charlie Brown Christmas” completely. They had been known to play it a few times during the holidays. The first time I hear the opening piano to that song, I know it’s Christmas.

Christmas in Hollis (1987) - Run DMC. Run DMC can claim so many firsts when it comes to Hip-Hop. And this is the first accessible Christmas rap song. Sure Beat Street had one in 1984, but this one is better and doesn’t talk about spending your welfare money playing numbers.

The Christmas Song (1963) - Nat King Cole. This one means so much to me personally for so many reasons. But let’s just say that the haunting vocals by one of the greatest American singers ever make it special as well.

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) (1987) - U2. The original was done by musical genius turned trigger-happy maniac Phil Spector, vocals by the great Darlene Love. But since I grew up on U2 I kinda like this version better. Don’t worry, Darlene Love does the background vocals on this one, so I can be forgiven.


Happy Holidays!

The JB Random Report 12/3/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

OK I guess there was no way that the nitwits in this country were going to accept the fact that a black man is the best qualified man to run the country. After trying everything from calling him a terrorist to hating his choice of White House dog, now it seems that they wanna raise questions about his birth certificate. So much so, that the Supreme Court has to hear this crap in conference on Friday. Could you imagine if this story has any teeth? It would really suck. I believe Barack Obama to be a stand up guy, so produce it already and let’s get on with fixing the country.

Anyone take a look at that “short list” New York Governor David Paterson wrote to appoint a replacement for new Secretary of State, Senator Hillary Clinton? Since there is no need for an election and no background check necessary…I’m available!

I guess every once in a while the Universe feels the need to adjust itself properly…Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter will have her jaw wired shut due to a fall she took last month, or due to exhaustion after running her mouth too loudly while no one listened. The point is she will not be able to talk for a while…I guess there really is a Santa Claus!

So it’s official…The National Bureau of Economic Research announced today that the United States has been in a recession since last year…Happy Anniversary!!! I’m so glad I depend on The National Bureau of Economic Research to give me those “hard to find” stories. In a related story, they also reported that the Earth is round, Mariah Carey is a complete fucking maniac and 4 quarters make one dollar.

SPORTS

New York has been one busy sports town this week huh? So let us begin with the criminal charges first. Plaxico Burress…what a moron. I can’t believe he caught the winning touchdown pass in the greatest Super Bowl ever just a short time ago. Seriously where did this future Oakland Raider think he was going the night he shot himself with his own gun? He was going to Latin Quarters to be sweated by Giants fans and your standard nightclub sluts looking for a new baby daddy, not on patrol in Fallujah, so what did he need the gun for?
And DO NOT even try to use the fact that Steve Smith, his teammate, was robbed at gunpoint recently as justification for this bonehead. Smith was robbed at his home by his driver no less, and had he had a gun, the headline would have been “Two men dead. One drove a car, one played football.” Dude, you catch balls for a living, you are not that important. And if you are that self absorbed as to call yourself a target because you are an athlete, then maybe it’s time to stay home once in a while or change your social habits. Brett Favre never shot himself, Jerry Rice never shot himself, so go visit some of their clubs.

I can see the Yankees not offering arbitration to Jason Giambi even though he had a decent year. But Andy Pettitte? They are letting the best left hander they have ever had since Ron Guidry get away a second time?

And then there is Stephon Marbury. It is sheer genius to collect a $21 million paycheck for not playing. I can see why the Knicks want to get rid of this cancer, but at least do it with a bit more objectivity and try to trade him.

And for those of you who think that today’s modern athlete has no respect for nostalgia, here is a heartwarming story from our friends across the pond…
Dutch soccer player Daniel Guijo-Velasco was banned for five matches for raising his arm in a Nazi salute during a second-division match. He performed the salute to an opposing player during Friday's match against RBC Roosendaal. In an interview after the match, which ended in a 1-1 draw, the Belgian explained his action by saying the player "was walking around like a German." More like walking around like an asshole. I still can’t understand how Europeans are so cavalier about shit like this.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Every once in a while I feel the need to crack on my own profession…
FORT COLLINS, Colo. - A man accused of making unflattering online comments about his former lover and her attorney on Craigslist has been charged with two counts of criminal libel. Now bear with me but I have to make this asshole famous. Larimer County District Attorney Larry Abrahamson cited an obsure 1800s-era state law that can put people in jail for the content of their speech or writing. Now how did something like this even get on the books in Colorado? Don’t we have a Constitution that protects speech? And shouldn’t the DA know or at least acknowledge the existence of a US Constitution? Or are these inbred assholes gonna go the way of Mississippi and not officially remove slavery from their state law books until the 1990’s?