The JB Random Report 6/24/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

If there is one thing I hate to do, it’s agree with Republicans, but they are right about President Obama’s timid response to the situation in Iran. The United States is the leader of the free world, not a follower, and when freedom is threatened anywhere in the world, it is our duty to respond. Corny as that might sound, like it or not this is the mantle we have given ourselves, and it’s time to step up to the plate. Should we call for an overthrow of the Iranian government? Certainly not, but lets show the Iranian protesters more support. When the British expel 2 Iranian diplomats, when France, a nation of cheese loving wimps who would be speaking German twice if not for us, take a stronger position of support for the protesters by denouncing the election as a “fraud,” we need a man-up check!
Last week that maniac Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said that we were “meddling” in the internal affairs of Iran, when we had said or done nothing at all. Obama was waiting to see how this situation was going to resolve itself. It hasn’t. So now is the time to say something. A strong statement by the president condemning the crackdowns and a meeting with Iranian community leaders here in the States would go a long way in moral support for these people who are risking, and in some cases, giving their lives for their right to freely elect their leaders.
I’m sure by now you have heard one of the many rallying cries of this movement: “Neda.” Neda Agha Soltan was an Iranian girl shot dead in the middle of the street while protesting, her last breath captured on a cell phone video posted all over the world on the same internet that the Iranian government is trying to block.
Yesterday The President held a news conference where he did address the issue, but maybe it’s time for another one. This time, take a stand on it. It’s easy to say that you are appalled by violence and that the US can’t be blamed for your problems. How about saying something like (and please forgive me) Ronald Reagan said in the 80’s “I’m a Contra, too.” Let them know they have your support, not just your sympathy.

SPORTS

If there is one thing I hate to do, it’s worry about the Yankees in June.

ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

Last week there was a hearing in the Senate over the levees in New Orleans. Senate Environment and Public Works Committee chairwoman, Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA), exchanged words with testifying Army Corps of Engineers division leader, Brigadier General Michael Walsh. While badgering the general over why the levees have yet to be repaired four years after hurricane Katrina, instead of annoying those who actually control the money (you know, assholes like her) she decides to give the General a hard time, and while he was trying to respond to her questions she gives us this little gem:

"Could you say 'senator' instead of 'ma'am? It's just a thing. I worked so hard to get that title. I'd appreciate it."

The general's response? "Yes, Senator." That’s nice. See this is why I knew I would never get above 0-3 in the Army. My response would have gotten me immediate roars of approval from my peers, and a court martial from my superiors. I tried to forget about it, but I found myself constantly fantasizing about being him just for a minute and saying something like this in response: ”I believe that ‘thing’ you are referring to is massive insecurity based on the fact that your father really wanted a boy.”
Then I would remind the “Senator” that military protocol allows military personnel to address civilians, government officials and even the President, as “sir” or “ma’am” and that maybe someone should remind her that the President is a bit higher than she is on the food chain. I probably would have ended with “We have all worked hard to get our ‘titles’ ma’am, but you see this RANGER tab on my shoulder? When you get shot at getting one of these then maybe I will consider breaking protocol just so you can feel better about yourself.” Then I would have patiently waited for my court martial and retired at 3/4th pension on a vineyard in Napa somewhere, but it would have been worth it to see me do it all over CNN.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

There are many right wing yahoo groups calling for English to be the official language of the United States, and they might have an argument. I mean, we wouldn’t be the only nation with an official language. But the argument would have greater significance if they were actually able to spell the language correctly. At a conference hosted by radio right wing nut job and former presidential candidate Pat Buchanan, the featured speakers delivered their remarks, mostly ridiculing Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor for her supposed lack of English proficiency while at Princeton University, and warning that the Obama administration is "going to gradually institute institutional bilingualism in the country." You know I’m beginning to think these are the same idiots who even today believe that we were visited by aliens and that the Commies still wanna take over the United States with that negro Elvis Presley music.

That being said, I’m sure that they were so overcome in their fervor for the language they love so much, that they forgot to spell “Conference” correctly on the banner in which all of these advocates spoke under. Advocates that included Peter Brimelow, Editor of the "White nationalist." Maybe they should call Sonia Sotomayor for some spelling lessons. I’m sure she can spell conference.

The JB Random Report 6/17/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I am not a huge fan of people constantly up each other’s asses with Google, Twitter, and putting everything on Youtube. Some things really do need to be left alone by you bored net-detectives that watch way too much CSI Miami. Don’t trust the guy you are dating? Then maybe you should make better choices, instead of trying to be the couch potato version of James Bond.
However, sometimes these tools are the only thing that keeps freedom of expression alive, and sometimes dirty laundry must be aired out. Now that should never be the case with individuals, but nations that repress their people with violence and censorship of the press need to be outed, and such is the case with Iran.
They held elections last week, and the reformist candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi, was way ahead until the incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to close polls and declare himself the winner. There were riots and protest among the people alleging electoral fraud. Even the religious maniacs that run that country said there were “irregularities” in the election.
They have since called for an end to the protests where as much as seven people have died, according to the state run media. Authorities have been trying to control information about dissent by blocking Web sites, jamming satellite signals and barring foreign media from leaving their offices to report on demonstrations on the streets of Tehran. But the people are fighting back, twittering and posting video of the government’s crackdown of protesters.
The government can’t control that, so then why not just blame someone else for their Nazi tactics? Instead of attempting to solve this problem through an understanding with its people, Iran instead accused the United States of "intolerable" meddling in its internal affairs, alleging that Washington has fueled the postelection dispute. Are these religious nuts aware that we have had no representatives in Iran since 1979? Sorry but this is one you can’t pin on “The Great Satan.” You tortured your own people Ayatollah, and you are gonna have to deal with their response without blaming someone else.
And you know what else? I’ve always had a problem with these fanatic Muslim countries calling us the “great” Satan. I mean that’s just too much to live up to, and we are just not that ambitious.

SPORTS

Donte' Stallworth is gonna do 30 days for killing a man while driving drunk in Florida. The max was 15 years. After his release he gets two years of house arrest and eight years probation. The house arrest provisions will allow him to resume his football career, which I think is what meant the most to him.
Michael Vick got over a year for killing dogs. Seems odd that a dogs life is worth more than a human’s right? Well I think it was more the individual defendants rather than the actual crimes that brought such different outcomes. Stallworth was wrong and deserves to pay for what he has done, but at least he acted like so few self entitled professional athletes. He stepped up like a man and admitted full responsibility for his actions. He stayed at the scene after the accident, reached a financial settlement with the family, and coperated fully with the investigation. Most Un-Vick-like.
The night before the crash, Stallworth earned a $4.5 million roster bonus from the Browns. Guess he’s gonna need it now.
But seriously, all the parties involved, even the victim’s family, agreed to this punishment, it’s time to let them all move on.

Say it ain’t so Sammy! I can’t believe that I’m actually agreeing with a sports writer, but I think John Hayman put this whole thing in perspective. As a Hall of Fame voter he said that he would look at each player on a case by case basis; A position which he is taking a lot of criticism for. What he means is that when the names of Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez and Roger Clemens come before him, he will ask himself “Would these guys be in the Hall of Fame without PED’s?” The answer would be yes. Would Sammy Sosa or Mark McGwire? Sorry guys but no. I remember when McGwire’s career was practically over, and Sammy Sosa was traded for Harold Baines (then again GW Bush was the owner of the Rangers at the time so who knows why that happened). Then out of nowhere they are battling to see who’s the first to break Roger Maris’ record? And what’s worse for Sammy is that he was another rocket scientist who decided it would be a good idea to go before Congress and lie. I hope he realizes that just because he pretended not to know English that day that doesn’t mean he can’t still be charged with perjury.

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Women are like monkeys…they never let go of one branch until they have their hands firmly wrapped around another one.

Don’t you hate it when a girl you had a crush on over 10 years ago is still amazingly hot now? Why can’t she just get fat like everyone else?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

What on Earth would possess ESPN to celebrate the 15th anniversary of the infamous OJ Simpson white Ford Bronco chase as if it were Franco Harris’ “immaculate reception?” This was not a joyous moment in sports; it was a dude who killed his wife freaking out about getting caught, and doing it on live TV. This crap interrupted the Knicks playing in the NBA Finals who the fuck wants to revisit that?

The JB Random Report 6/11/09

" One of these things just doesnt belong here...now it's time to play our game!"
Remember Sesame Street? (hint: Look to the far right)

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Israeli newscasters interpreted a photo taken Monday in the Oval Office of President Obama talking on the phone with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as an "insult" to Israel, because in the Arab world showing the soles of your shoes is offensive. Please lighten up already. Sorry Israel but the president of the United States is no longer a retarded Jesus freak, he is an intelligent, objective world leader who wants peace and knows it comes from dealing fairly with the Muslim world. It doesn’t mean he was insulting you…get over yourselves. Well at least he didn’t throw them at anyone.

How many times do I have to remind you people not to fuck around in Texas? Kathryn Winkfein was getting a traffic ticket when she decided that she needed some time away from home and in jail. So the 72-year-old grandmother got out of her car and started to get loud with the officer. Well they got their own way-a-thinkin’ in Texas, and the 72-year-old was tasered and sent to jail…yeee haaa! I love Texas. Nothing is a better representative of your states’ “don’t fuck with me” status than tasering a senior citizen.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

What the fuck was Bret Michaels doing at the Tony Awards anyway?

In a shocking development…Adam Lambert, the gay guy from American Idol finally admitted he was gay this week, as I correctly predicted he would do (JB Random Report 5/7/09). Now I shouldn’t toot my own horn too loudly, predicting that is like predicting that the sun will rise in the East or that Rush Limbaugh will say something stupid. If I were really clairvoyant, I would predict something less obvious, like the date of the Apocalypse (which will happen after the Red Sox win another World Series)

I am less afraid of a truck full of armed Serbians in an urban warfare setting than of convicted murderer Phil Spector’s mug shot sans wig.

SPORTS

So Manny Ramirez wants to “move on” from what is the biggest story in baseball this year, and he feels that we should just let him do that, I mean, since he has been so apologetic and all…"I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody, so that's it, I'm just going to come and play the game." Well the English language isn’t a person, but you certainly slaughtered that.
You know, A-Rod didn't kill or rape anyone either. That didn't mean he was excused from answering difficult questions about performance enhancing drugs. I guess Ramirez is such an asshole we should reward him for not killing or raping anyone. What world does this moron live in? And what do the Dodgers plan to do with his replacement, Juan Pierre who just happens to be hitting .352? Put him on the bench?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Just in case you need another reason to hate white people, or in this case, white people who live in Manhattan, check out a documentary on Showtime on Demand called “Nursery University.” For a minute I really thought I was watching one of those famous Christopher Guest “mockumentaries” I love so much, but these hateful fuckers were real. It’s about the ridiculous lengths upscale parents go to get their kids into the “right” nursery school. Nursery school? It’s not Yale you fucking social climbing sheep. One asshole misrepresented the value of his company’s stock and got in trouble with the SEC for it, one hateful bitch actually said “I don’t understand why we didn’t get in, we are the right kind of people.” There’s a woman who could benefit from a few near death experiences.
I don’t absolve the schools either, one director while reviewing applications said “oh…these are people of color” as she did them the favor of putting them on the “maybe” pile of applications. Look, I’m sure Paris Hilton went to all the best pre-schools too, and if you have ever been online searching for porn, you all know how that fairy tale ended. Want a decent, well adjusted kid? Try parenting. I promise that parenting works, even single parenting. Trust me I know. I was raised by a single mother, and I would take one of her over 20 married couples who are stupid enough to spend $20k a year to impress other people using their toddler as a status symbol.

The JB Random Report 6/3/09

So Monday I really was exhausted, but Amanda sent me a text “what are you doing tonight?” To which I replied “If we’re going to a fashion show, I’m busy, but if it’s a baseball game, my schedule just cleared up.” Well it was a Dave Matthews Band concert at the Beacon Theatre. Now I’m not a huge fan of this band, but I am aware they have an enormous following, I just wish that a bigger fan would have gotten this opportunity to see them in such a venue. For me it was really no big deal, but I felt I should go if only to help my karma…I mean how would I react knowing that someone, somewhere in the world had said “It was really no big deal for me to see (The Rolling Stones, U2, Cream, Radiohead, The Replacements, Soda Stereo, Kings of Leon or Rush) at the Beacon Theatre, so I decided to stay home.”
What I didn’t know was just how big a touring band they are. They are kinda like this generation’s Grateful Dead or Phish. People were bragging about having seen them 63 times or more…Damn, I wouldn’t wanna see a band I like 63 times. It reminded us of that scene in Forrest Gump when he is running across the country and one day he just stops. The yahoos that are following him are expecting him to say something prophetic and he just goes, “I wanna stop running now.” I kept thinking how hysterical it would be for Dave Matthews to stop in the middle of his set and just say, “Look, whatever your problems are, you can’t solve them by following us around, so why don’t you guys all go home and shave, then get some jobs.” Alas it was not to be, but it really was a good show.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

How desperate must Republicans be if they have to reach so far as to attack President Barack Obama for going out one night to see a play by saying it was bad for the economy to spent taxpayer money to do so. The guy hasn’t slept since January, how about getting off his ass for a minute? I didn’t see them complaining when George W Bush (or as I have come to call him, President Fuck Up) spent over half of his presidency before 9/11 at that ranch of his in Texas.

And CNN do us all a favor, when asking Sonia Sotomayor how she felt about “prominent Republicans” calling her a racist, make sure that prominent Republicans are the ones doing it. Because so far, the only person that has called her that has been Rush Limbaugh, and the only thing he is prominent in is being a fat, drug addicted gasbag. Don’t waste valuable news time addressing his OxyContin/Viagra cocktail induced rants. Let me do it…I’m considerably better at insults than Wolf Blitzer.

Desmond Hachett 29, is giving the state of Tennessee a really hard time. Not because he is a lame Elvis impersonator, but they can’t garnish his wages enough to significantly support his 20 children by 11 different women. On two separate occasions, he has fathered 4 children in the same year. 20 kids with 11 women by 29? What a lightweight. My grandfather laughs at this fool…he had 34 by that age.

ROME - Premier Silvio Berlusconi of Italy can’t get a break either. Looks like he is fighting to keep some pictures of him at a party with a bunch of topless 18 year olds from being published. State television reported that among the photos were some taken with an 18-year-old Neapolitan woman at the heart of a growing political and personal scandal.
The 72-year-old Premier’s wife, Veronica Lario, just announced that she was seeking a divorce because of her husband's infatuation with young women. Berlusconi described himself as the victim of a campaign of "insults" he alleges is being run by the center-left opposition to discredit him ahead of European Parliament elections next weekend. Yeah…we should all be so victimized

SPORTS

These are not my LA Lakers, but I will be rooting for them in the NBA Finals. And those idiots that write for NBA Fanhouse really do need to be replaced by, well…me. One of them was going on about how Orlando’s Jameer Nelson, who has been injured all year, shouldn’t be allowed to play in the finals because it might hurt the chemistry of the team. Hey morons, your bus is leaving. Nelson is an All-Star, and he had his two best games this season against the Lakers. Yeah, exactly the guy you want not to play. It’s not like the Magic have been rolling over their opponents in the playoffs, so please shut up already.

Don’t look now, but the Yankees are in 1st place in the AL East.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A hot day in New York City makes for some interesting observations…

When I was younger I wanted to be Snoop Dogg, Magic Johnson or Don Mattingly when I grew up, now I wanna be the Dos Equis guy. And if he were here he would say, “No one, under any circumstances, should ever wear black socks and black shoes with shorts….stay thirsty my friends.”

If they are walking down the street together, and his plaid shorts match her plaid boots, both of them need to die.

You know, wearing earplugs at the library is almost as assholeish (new word) as a long coffee order at Starbucks. Seriously, in the quietest place in the world what would possess your self important ass to put on earplugs? It’s like you are saying “look at me, my work is so important I can’t even be distracted by the noise that’s not being made at the quietest place in Manhattan.” Almost made me wish the fire alarm went off and she didn’t hear it. What a complete shithead.