10 Things A Grown Man Should Know 5/16/13

10 THINGS A GROWN MAN SHOULD KNOW:

1- Pull your fucking pants up, you look like a moron. Never exaggerate a current trend, you will only date yourself later on.

 2 - Learn to:
   (A) - cheer for your team;

   (B) - talk to a woman;
   (C) - eat at a restaurant; and
   (D) drink at an open bar,
without looking as though you have just been released from prison. Subtly will get you further than you think.

3 - Know how to wear a suit already. Know your suit size, inseam, sleeve and shirt size so that when someone dies in your family, you don’t look like you took your dad’s old suit out of the back of a closet. A good tailor can be a more significant relationship than a good dentist in some cases.

4 - Dude…just go down on her

5 - Under NO circumstances, should a man’s bellybutton be pierced

 6 – Straight guys: Your shorts should always reach your knees, short shorts are for women and gay guys (not that there is anything wrong with that).

CAVEAT: Lemmy Kilmister gets a pass. He is Lemmy, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. YOU are NOT Lemmy, do not wear tight short shorts.

7 - Never make your mom leave you a voicemail unless you are in an important meeting. Always pick up her call even if you have to cut her off after two minutes. Remember for better or worse, this woman gave birth to you.

8 - Don’t talk about girls you have slept with, to anyone. Discretion is the biggest aphrodisiac. And if you must, don’t lie about it like a horny 8^th grader who has never actually been near a girl. Remember this chick was nice enough to give you some, don’t soil it by being an asshole now, not to mention of you get a reputation for blabbing, no other girls will sleep with you. However, wild sex stories are perfectly acceptable so long as no names or dates are mentioned, and you are actually describing something you did, not something you read on a porn blog.

9 -  If you are over 30, do not wear a LeBron jersey, you look stupid

10 - Know that it is perfectly acceptable to throw the first punch in a street fight. That “I dare you to swing at me” shit is for people who actually don’t want to fight. Someone says that to you, throw two jabs, step in and smash his face with an overhand right. If he is still standing, you can’t fight so you really should have just walked away.  

CAVEAT: If the guy saying “I dare you to swing at me” starts punching himself in the face, wait a few seconds before deciding what to do.

AND: You don’t have to be a mechanic, but at least know how to change a tire.

"I'm Afraid of Americans" - David Bowie 5/9/13

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS & THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Every morning I get up to singing birds and the background noise of CNN from my television. Today I actually paused to observe both the ticker and the stories making headlines. Leading off was that horrific story out of Cleveland where 3 girls who had been kidnapped nearly a decade ago were found inside the home of an asshole named Ariel Castro, who was arraigned on said charges this morning and whose bond was set at $8 million. Yeah…I think he is gonna be there a while.  Now he was arrested based on the statements made by the alleged victims, part of those statements were that he had caused at least five miscarriages amongst the ladies over the time of their captivity, why was this prick not charged with abortion related crimes?

Then the news broke to Arizona and the conviction of Jodi Arias for the murder of her boyfriend. Arias, whose bizarre testimony on the stand was covered by every news source and described in real time every detail of their sorted sex life, and why said abusive sex life lead her to stab this man while he was taking a shower over 30 times…in self defense. Wow, that must have been one aggressive shower.

If that were not enough, CNN showed an exclusive interview withlast year’s 24/7 salacious sex and crime story that we just can’t seem to get enough of: Amanda Knox, who was acquitted after four years in an Italian prison for the murder of her roommate. The Italian police’s reasoning being that she killed her roommate because she would not properly engage in group sex or some shit like that. So this is what passes for news today?

Keep going? Sure…I guess Tim Lambesis, the lead singer for a band known as “As I Lay Dying” decided to take the name literally, as he has just been arrested for trying to hire a hitman to kill his wife (well ok, I’m sure we have all thought of doing that at one time or another).
And then there is the case that made now CNN correspondent Jose Baez famous, Casey Anthony. I find our obsession with these cases more disturbing than I can put into words, but I will start with a single word…detachment. Let’s not blame the media for their 24/7 coverage of these sensationalist stories, because they are merely giving us what we are asking for. It is not the media’s job to tell us to eat our intellectual vegetables. If we ask for it, CNN gives it to us and Letterman jokes about it. For better or worse, (mostly worse) this seems to be what the public thinks is news.

But let’s get back to the one thing these cases have in common; the fact that every one of the accused seems to be disturbingly detached from the actual crime. Casey Anthony was laughing in the courtroom even as she faced the possibility of the death penalty. Amanda Knox was doing fucking gymnastics outside the police station while waiting to talk to investigators (what the fuck?), and Jodi Arias gave two days of witness testimony so disturbing that even the most objective legal sources were stunned that her attorney would allow her anywhere near a witness stand. It should also be noted that Baez said, and I quote “Jodi Arias is a great witness.” How did these hacks ever invade the legal profession?

And why are we not more outraged at the fact that these accused seem to show no remorse or feeling for the victims, only an attitude of entitlement and shock as to how anyone could accuse them of crimes where there is overwhelming evidence that they were involved in? That is detachment; the separating of any real emotions whatsoever from the heinous crimes that were committed. Seriously, these fucking assholes are shocked by the legal systems response to them. They are shocked that anyone could accuse them. Yeah, let’s forget about the evidence and base our decisions on your delusional self importance.
Nearly as bizarre is the fact that in the Castro case, the daughter of the accused was actually friendly with one of the victims and went on television to say that she wanted to resume their friendship and have the victim “meet her kids.” Ahh…I think she has more important things on her mind than your feeble attempts to disassociate yourself from your perv asshole father.
You can blame the violence of movies and video games all you want, but that will never answer the most disturbing questions about our fascination with sex, violence and death, combined at their most grotesque.
While this was happening, there were other real news stories that went beyond mere bizarre sex crimes. Do you wanna talk about any of those? Why do that when pervs are perving and semi hot chicks are committing murders?