United States of America...We Make Assholes Famous! 2/25/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Look, not that I am not in total awe of the changes happening in the Middle East, and my heart goes out to anyone who is a victim of violence and oppression, but can we keep Col. Muammar Qaddafi for just a little while longer? That’s how it’s spelled by the way, for all you news media outlets getting it wrong. Seriously, for better or worse he is a world leader and you should at least know his name if you are to be taken seriously as a news source. One thing that should also be taken seriously is how entertaining his obvious mental illness is. Not one more person should die because of this asshole, not in Libya, not in Bahrain, not anywhere. But boy is he fun to watch. He has blamed Al-Qaeda, drug laced coffee, Justin Bieber, the Carmelo Anthony trade and global warming for the current unrest in his country. And have you seen how crazy his kids are too?

SPORTS

So…did anything interesting happen in New York sports this week? I was always against the trade for Carmelo Anthony not because of him, but because it looked like yet another abysmally stupid deal being made by the Knicks. But then team owner Jim Dolan reassured the public that Isiah Thomas, that Trump-esque wheeler dealer that brought us Eddy Curry, was not involved in the trade. I’m serious he actually felt he had to address that in his press conference.
Then there was the gutting of the team that troubled me. Giving up a great up and coming point guard in Raymond Felton (A Carolina man), a great shooter in Danilo Galinari, and some key bench players at this stage of the season might not be the best thing for chemistry. I didn’t worry too much about the draft picks because the Knicks have not made a decent one since 1985.
In the end, what you have to say to yourself is that, it’s Carmelo Anthony. You know, 4 time NBA All-Star, top 5 scorer in the league, Olympic gold medal winner, yeah that guy! Then couple that with the fact that he actually wants to be here, something that is new to the Knicks. If you are expecting the Knicks to win the championship this year, then it was a bad trade, and your expectations are unrealistic. But if you were expecting this to make the Knicks interesting again, then it was a great trade.
You know who has been great in all this? Ama’re Stoudamire. He knows that eventually this will be Carmelo’s team, and he has been nothing but welcoming none the less. For someone who didn’t play in college, he is certainly smart enough to know that Carmelo only makes his chances of winning a championship and being part of a relevant team only that much better.

THIS WEEK’S REASON MY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Is there anyone more hateful than Jennifer Lopez? Not that I’m really watching American Idol anymore, but her sobbing incessantly over someone she didn’t choose to be in the Top 24 is just the epitome of self-absorption, and a complete disregard for the segment of the person she was so sad about dismissing, as her and her blubbering took it over. And what do Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson do? Instead of quietly reminding her that the show is actually not about her, they enable the situation by trying to comfort her, all while the cameras are rolling. Man I miss Simon Cowell.

There are many reasons to ignore the mindless pop drivel of self loving creeps like Mariah Carey and Beyonce…and here’s another one!
It looks like these two assholes, as did Usher and Lionel Ritchie for full disclosure, took millions to actually perform for the Qaddafi family. Great, where is Little Steven when you need him? Don’t we have anyone in music today willing to take a stand on anything, and didn’t Lionel Ritchie write “We Are the World?”
Where is this generations battle cry of “I ain’t gonna play Sun City?” Now the only thing you hear from these soon to be irrelevant assholes is “how long does my sex tape have to be in order to get famous?”

I don’t know about you, but Charlie Sheen just moved up 12 spots on my “Celebrity Train Wreck Death Pool.”

Under Cover 2/17/11

Once in a while I enjoy playing this game called 15/15 that I believe was invented by my friend Henry Mena. What he does is write a note to all his fellow music geeks, picks a music category and asks for 15 entries in 15 minutes. Some have included “15 greatest guitarists,” “15 great 80’s songs,” and the other day “15 favorite cover songs.” He had Peter Frampton’s cover of “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” by The Stones on his list, to which I responded, “Even Superman had Kryptonite.” I got into the list so much that I felt it required a bit more than the Andy Warhol allotted time frame, so I decided to look into my musical collection (not an easy thing to do) and pick my actual 15 favorite covers of all time.

Here we go in no particular order:

1- "Someday One Day/Algun Dia" - Soda Stereo (Queen) I remember Henry Mena stating so eloquently once what it is that makes a good cover song. So eloquently in fact, he was never able to remember exactly what he said again. One criterion was the ability to somehow add something to an already great song. I believe that you have to make the song your own as much as you can. If you don’t, then you are just doing someone else’s song, and making no artistic contribution whatsoever. I admit I never heard the original of this song, but Soda Stereo happens to be one of my all time favorite bands. I can tell you that this song sounds like it could have very well been written by Soda, as it totally sounds like what they do, and they are nothing like Queen at all. I think that would be pretty much illustrating both Henry’s point and mine about a good cover in a nutshell.

2- "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" - Marvin Gaye (Smokey Robinson & The Miracles) OK...Technically The Miracles recorded it first, then Gladys Knight & The Pips recorded it a few months after Marvin Gaye did, but released their version a year earlier. It was a modest chart hit for Gladys, but come on; I think we all know who is better associated with this song...and if you don't, read some of Marvin Gaye's interviews on the subject and he will remind you.

3- "Sweet Jane" - Cowboy Junkies (The Velvet Underground) Lou Reed has never been to keen on anyone covering his songs, and over the years he has been uncharacteristically vocal about it. I guess if I were one of the greatest song writers in music I would have a bug up my ass about it too. But this is one cover that he actually endorsed.

4- "Hurt" - Johnny Cash (NIN) The fear and pain in this is even more powerful than the original. And as haunting as the song is, the video leaves an even bigger impression on your psyche. Shot right before the death of his wife June, both of them seem to be living on borrowed time, a large full banquet table where only they sit, contemplating what the great mystery holds for them both, seemingly resigning themselves to their fate. She died a few weeks after the video was shot, and he followed a few weeks later. I’m not a big believer in love, but whenever a couple die of “natural causes” that close to each other, it kinda makes you think that one couldn’t possibly live without the other, it kinda makes you believe in soulmates.

5- "She Sells Sanctuary" - Keane (The Cult) Blasphemy considering this is my all time favorite song, but this is a great cover. A very good modern version of this song.

6- "Wild Horses" - The Sundays (The Rolling Stones) I remember listing a few of my favorite Stones covers a while back, and this one made my list for the same that same reason a good cover is a good cover. I still resent the fact that it was in a Budweiser ad a few years ago, but I am slowly learning to accept that commercials are the only place to hear (ironically enough) non-commercial sounding alternative rock.

7- "I Want Candy" - Bow Wow Wow (The Strangeloves) I actually didn’t even know this was a cover song for decades after I heard it. If anything, I thought it borrowed more from Bo Diddley than any other band.

8- "Good Times" - INXS & Jimmy Barnes (The Easybeats) Same thing as the last one. I never thought this had been done before, much less written by someone else, although the references to so many characters in older songs like Long Tall Sally and Short Fat Fanny should have been a dead giveaway. The contrasting vocals from the smooth Michael Hutchense to that rough and raw, Australian outback, Bon Scott-esque Jimmy Barnes plays perfectly here.

9- "Crimson & Clover" - Joan Jett & the Backhearts (Tommy James & The Shondells) If there is one person who I always thought was totally underrated and ahead of their time, it’s Tommy James. He used that “wall of sound” idea just as good as anyone, and his songs have been covered for decades. But worse, while Madonna is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Tommy James is not.

10- "Money (That's What I Want)" - The Beatles (Barrett Strong) Didn’t know this was a cover did you? It’s OK neither did I for the first few years.

11- “Nothing Compares 2 U” – Sinead O’Connor (Prince) Before Sinead was ripping up the Pope’s picture and impersonating a cue ball, she made some very interesting music. One of the first to collaborate with hip-hop artists and having a totally uncompromising, original voice. Once again, although I admittedly saw Prince’s stamp on this, she totally made it her own. Have you ever heard the cliché “So sad it makes you wanna cry?” Yeah it’s usually never true, but in this case it is. Few songs actually have that power; I assure you this one does.

12- “Dancing Days” – Stone Temple Pilots (Led Zeppelin) On Mena’s list I put STP’s cover of “Revolution” by The Beatles, but this brings me to the second part of what makes a good cover, and that is, don’t waste your time doing someone else’s signature song, or something close to it, because you might do a great version, but will never truly make it your own. This is not “Stairway to Heaven” so this can be covered. STP balances the tone of the original with a nice modern alternative vibe, not an easy thing to do.

13- “Satisfaction” – DEVO (The Rolling Stones) I didn’t put it on Mena’s 15 because he already had it on, and I didn’t wanna overkill it, but this really is one of the greatest covers of all time. Not necessarily one of my favorite songs, but the concepts of what makes a great cover are all illustrated on this one more than on any other. DEVO does something totally original with someone else’s song here, and really, can you watch Joe Pesci doing a mountain of coke then putting someone’s head in a vice in the movie “Casino” without this in the background?

14- “Wild Night” – John Mellencamp & Me'Shell Ndege'ocello (Van Morrison) Fuck you I liked it!

15- "Little Red Rooster" - Rolling Stones (Howlin' Wolf/Willie Dixon) Who wrote this first is actually lost to history. Look, in case you missed it, the Rolling Stones are the greatest band of all time, and their covers, particularly of blues songs, have at many times, eclipsed the original versions. Even their cover of “I Wanna Be Your Man” is better than the original, and that one was written by two guys named John Lennon and Paul McCartney. I almost wanted to put Bo Diddley’s “Mona” on here instead, but I love the original too much, coupled with the fact that I got to see Eric Clapton come on stage and do ”Little Red Rooster” with the Stones, in a place that doesn't even exist anymore (Decades after this pic was taken of course, Jesus I'm not that fucking old!).

But First...Some Random Thoughts 2/10/11

You know what the ugliest, most unattractive thing on a woman is, especially an older one? Intellectual insecurity.

Am I the only one with an overwhelming urge to trip a chick that’s walking down an icy black snowed street wearing huge heels and cackling loudly on a phone?

Am I wrong for silently celebrating a hot girl who ignored me in school getting so fat and weary looking I actually confused her with her mother?

Would I be marginalizing the great singer/songwriter/innovator/musical genius Lou Reed if I said that his music was amazing to watch a girl in your room strip to? I mean it's not like I have not given his music the serious praise it deserves, but being a simple objective observer, it certainly does work for that.



NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I don’t know about you, but I for one stand strongly behind the GOP and Congressman Christopher Lee (R-NY). I truly believe that he was set up, and there is no way that he sent a shirtless picture of himself to a woman he met on craigslist. And I think that all of us should refuse to lend credibility to an obviously staged sex scandal. The undeniable proof? It is a heterosexual sex scandal. Seriously, when was that last time that happened with Republicans?
I will say one thing for the guy, what he lacks in brains (seriously he is a public figure, did he think he could hide his identity? He’s not Clark Kent) he makes up for in expediency; the guy resigned within hours of the breaking news and didn’t allow this to be come a bigger distraction.

SPORTS

Jerry Sloan is already in the Basketball Hall of Fame, but even those credentials could not get him to see eye to eye with Deron Williams, and in the true definition of “taking one for the team” he knew that Williams wouldn’t re sign with the Utah Jazz if Sloane was still the coach. He is an old school coach, and I don’t know how well that translates to today’s game, but the man does know basketball. 23 years coaching one team and they made it to the playoffs 19 times and the finals twice, and that’s without making a habit of signing free agents.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I love technology and all, but if this contraption really and truly replaces the aesthetic and illustration contained in a book for you, then you are a moron.

History Comes in Bunches 2/3/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

In politics as in life, change comes rather slowly most of the time. Until that one moment in time where things come together in a way that make change happen quicker than you can keep up with it. Such were the years of 1989 to 1991, when the Chinese demanded democratic reforms and we got back those incredible images from Tiananmen Square. Then the Berlin Wall coming down, the Soviet Union breaking up, and Nelson Mandela being freed from prison. All these things happened in a relatively short time.
Today, the Arab world is experiencing the same thing, and we are all witnesses. It started with one man in Tunisia who protested (with a public suicide) because he couldn’t get a street vending permit. This sparked massive protests in that country, and due in no small part to social media, spread throughout the entire Middle East as well. In Egypt it began with protests against the government, mostly due to the fact that most of that country’s population is college educated, under 30 and jobless. Combine that with the average salary being about $4 a day and high double-digit unemployment, and this quickly develops into a movement to remove President Hossni Mubarak. And like in Haiti, CNN’s Anderson Cooper is in the middle of it all. You can spout all the unconfirmed gay rumors you want, but that is a pretty tough dude. While reporting on the incidents, looks like pro-government “demonstrators” at first attacked his camera, then his crew, then him, and he still kept reporting.
This wind of change has now spread to Jordan, whose king just fired his entire cabinet, and now Yemen whose president has decided not to seek re-election after 32 years. Now I say once again these are incredibly interesting times, but in the words of Harvey Kietel in Pulp Fiction, “Let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet…” We have to be very careful in calling for anyone’s head without first knowing how that vacuum will be filled. Now granted, some of these men are brutal dictators that have no place in world leadership, but a lot of them are US allies credited with keeping order in that region, which is probably why the US has been less than forceful in its rhetoric, and Republicans have for once not been critical of Obama’s cautious response. That being said, this is exactly the type of situation that Islamic fundamentalists would seek to exploit, and the world cannot allow these yahoos to take control of a region so important to the rest of the world. Not just because of economic interests, but let’s not forget that Egypt is a country which holds the most ancient and precious artifacts in human history, we can’t have the Pyramids in Giza being turned into a mosque, or worse.

ENTERTAINMENT

Like the battered housewife that I am, even after I decided I would ignore American Idol, I just have to address the rumors that JLo is upset that Steven Tyler has been getting all the attention on Idol when this was supposed to be the “big comeback” for her and her weave. Uhhh…Jenny, of course he is gonna get more attention, he is Steven Tyler. This is the frontman for the greatest American rock band ever, and you are a mediocre version of Debbie Reynolds whose only means of getting attention is having a big ass and getting married every five days.

SPORTS

Other than the usual Super Bowl hype, it’s kinda been a slow news week for sports, so I guess I’ll just make my pick now. I have no horse in this race, and usually when the Cowboys or Giants don’t make it I root for the better story. In this case, its two great teams with a long history of football tradition, but neither really make me wanna root for them. I think the Steelers take it though.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

The stubbornness of the Republicans in the Senate wanting to repeal healthcare reform after it was already signed into law. You wanna take out that tax reporting requirement that will eliminate paperwork? Go ahead so do Democrats, but to believe that now you can repeal the whole bill is stupid. It’s kinda like living under the delusion that correcting a spelling mistake in the Constitution will repeal the whole document.
Hey Teabaggers, let me help you out. Here is your chance to be on the right side of history for once. I know that you don’t know much about the history of the country you say you “want back,” so let me help you out. When have conservatives ever been right about anything? On Slavery? Wrong. Woman’s suffrage? Wrong. When they filibustered in the Senate by reading the phone book so that no vote on Civil Rights could be had? Wrong. When asshole George Wallace stood in front of the University of Alabama symbolically blocking the entry of black students? Wrong. “Trickle down economics?” Wrong. And when you don’t know history, trying to re-write it in the schoolbooks in Texas? Wrong. Invading Iraq? Wrong. Tax breaks for the richest 2% because they will use the money to create jobs? REALLY fucking wrong. And now, much like us being the last country to outlaw slavery and one of the last to end legal segregation, we are once again behind in anything that has to do with putting humanity first and individual greed aside. Let’s not be the last 1st World nation to give our citizens healthcare. I’m not a fan of the French, but even they are laughing at us when it comes to healthcare.