All-Time Country Song Titles

I’m sure since the election of the first black president of the United States, many racist redneck morons are feeling down this week. Rush Limbaugh in particular. Last week, this fat, drug addicted asshole showed how terrified he is at the reality of a black chief executive that he said, and I quote, “I want him to fail.” What kind of asshole says that about his own president? I, along with most of the literate world, thought George W Bush was a complete fucking retard, but I never wished for him to fail. I didn’t have to, he was incompetent. So, although they are not exactly my target audience, I have decided to dedicate this week’s blog to the redneck in all of us. Have you seen that CMT channel? Since the auditions on American Idol have been uncharacteristically boring and not really worth writing about, I’ve been obsessed with this redneck channel. I mean, it’s hysterical! They have redneck weddings, top 10 redneck moments, even a reality show. It’s like VH1 on four bricks holding up a double-wide.
Now it is easy to make fun of our southern brothers, but I want you to know that I researched this list with BMI (I really need to get a fucking life) and these are all actual registered song titles. I didn’t make them up to be funny, which really should scare the shit out of all of you. I also wanna say that I don’t totally hate country music. Johnny Cash wrote some of the greatest music this country has ever produced. Patsy Cline had a great voice, Hank Williams, George Jones are just brilliant all around musicians, and Chet Atkins was one of the greatest guitar players ever (or should I say “Ghee-tarr”). So, in the spirit of marrying your 13 year old cousin, home made icicles called “beercicles” and driving your lawnmower to the liquor store because your wife hid your car keys, here they are, in no particular order…

A (BAKER’S) DOZEN OF THE TOP COUNTRY SONG TITLES OF ALL TIME

I Spent My Last Ten Dollars On Birth Control and Beer / Carla Phillips. Performed by a band called 2 Nice Girls. I’m serious.

Don’t Come Home A-Drinkin’ With Lovin’ On Your Mind / Loretta Lynn

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead? / Benjamin Costello, Alexis Feltham & Jason Whalley

Did I Shave My Legs For This? / Deana Carter

I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me / Reverend (big surprise) Billy C. Wirtz

Dropkick Me Jesus (Through The Goalposts of Life) / Paul Charles Craft

There’s a Tear in My Beer / Hank Williams

If I’d Killed You When I Wanted To, I’d be Out Of Jail by Now / Reuben Darnell

You Can’t Rollerskate In a Buffalo Heard / Roger Miller. OK What the fuck does that mean exactly?

I’m In Love With a Capital “U” / Country Joe Diffie

One Day When You Swing That Skillet (My Face Ain’t Gonna Be There) / Dick Hardwick

Redneck Martians Stole My Baby / Hank Flamingo. I’m serious, I’m not making these up.

You Stole My Wife, You Horse Thief! / OK so I made this one up, sue me! What can I say I was inspired.

The Inauguration (Morning in America)

MORNING IN AMERICA

I have seen a few inaugurations, but I’ve never lived one like I did yesterday, and I don’t think I’m alone. So many emotions felt at one time, in once place and all over the country…pretty incredible huh? Everyone is so excited in Washington DC right now, Chief Justice John Roberts messed up the words to the Presidential oath, and Ted Kennedy collapsed and had a seizure! But as I watched Barack Obama become the 44th President of the United States, all I could think of was history. So many things have occurred in my lifetime, but this is one of those that ranks right up there with the Yankees winning the World Series, the Berlin Wall coming down, the end of apartheid in South Africa, and the Olympics. Not that one is more significant than the other, but they brought me a lot of joy, and left me totally in awe. I don’t know if we realize yet what a profound step we have taken towards a better world, not because Obama is the second coming of Christ or anything, but because in electing him we have once again championed those values we have for way too long in this country just given superficial lip-service to. Equality, freedom, justice, you know…the American way. We have once again assumed the mantle of leadership in those categories, and it couldn’t have happened sooner. The last eight years have done a lot to diminish our place in the world. Yesterday we took a huge step in reclaiming that place. We are the first world power to democratically elect a black president…so…FUCK YOU FRANCE!!

As for the last eight years, what can I say that hasn’t already been said? Not one of those buffoons were competent enough to handle everything that went wrong during the last administration, least of all George W Bush, even he knew that. So much so that his leaving Washington DC yesterday and waving goodbye reminded me of Richard Nixon’s getaway after he resigned in 1974. Now bad as he was, and he was without a doubt the worst president of the last 100 years, America, and only America will have to hold itself accountable for re-electing him in 2004. There is no getting around that, and we are gonna have to look long and hard at ourselves and never allow this to happen again.
I don’t need time to put this joke of an administration into some type of historical perspective, I have complained about it enough and I’m tired, but I will leave you with this…of all the absolute disasters that happened on President Fuck Up’s watch, one of the worst was…yes that’s right…the fucking Red Sox won 2 World Series!
And Dick Cheney leaving town in that wheelchair couldn’t have been more fitting. That asshole looked so much like Dr. Evil I thought a cat was gonna jump on his lap. Even white people hate these two. Right now every racist living in a double-wide married to his 14 year old sister is yelling “You bastards fucked up so bad, people voted in a black guy!”

1.9 million people were at the inauguration, when have you ever seen that? It was almost as though those people got lost on the way to a Rolling Stones concert. Of all the voices desperate for change in this country, none spoke louder than the presence of so many Americans wanting to be a part of what really is, if I may quote Ronald Reagan, “Morning in America.”

So I guess the next question is, and let’s be honest we are all asking this, how did this country manage to get it’s head out of it’s fast-food expanded, non-exercising, over-medicated ass and elect the best man for the job? Cuz let’s face it, we only make up about 30% of the population, so it clearly wasn’t just the black and Latino vote that got him elected. I had been pondering this question since he was elected and I think I have the answer. At first I thought it was only because he was not actually a stereotypical black guy that whites are so afraid of. He was raised in Hawaii and Kansas, not South-central Los Angeles or Harlem. His father was from Kenya, and they have more in common with Europeans and Asians than they ever will with American blacks with the exception of the color of their skin. Before you start sending me hate mail, actually go to Africa or at least speak to someone from Africa and they will tell you the exact same thing.
So that might be one reason but it can’t be the only reason. How was he able to identify with the white voters? It was watching the inaugural balls on CNN that finally gave me the answers I sought…Obama is the only black guy other than Steve Urkel who can’t dance. FINALLY something he can’t do! I knew he couldn’t be as perfect as I thought! I’m so glad his kryptonite is nothing serious!

So…may God truly bless America!

The JB Random Report 1/15/09

Had a conversation with Allan the other day about this blog. This blog that I write every week just for you. So is this what you meant?...

There is a lot of shit I can talk about this week, but I don’t know if I care to address the same shit over and over again. You know, stuff like “George W Bush is a colossal fuck up, glad he is gone” or “I hope Obama is everything we think he is, but he is making some odd, shitty cabinet choices” or “Wow, the economy is more fucked than Lindsay Lohan at a lesbian bar.”

I want to officially announce my candidate for this year’s Nobel Prize…he goes by the name “Johnny,” he is the owner of the 123 BurgerShotBeer sports bar in Hell’s Kitchen, and his invention is a 60 ounce beer tube with a tap at the bottom. Sheer genius!

Incredible...Wonderful...always nice words to hear

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

First of all if I seem a bit sad this week it’s because I am mourning the loss of the “king”(LMMFAO)of Rock n’ Roll, Elvis Presley. Elvis would have been 73 this month. And I’ll tell you one thing, if Elvis were alive today I’m sure all of us would be, well…shit we would all be surprised as hell actually. I never understood this fascination with Elvis. Why is it that people have such a hard time believing he is dead? Is it because he took such good care of himself when he was alive? Certainly a man who ate so many fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches and was on so much umm…”medication” probably should have lived to be 100 right?

OK that new judge on American Idol is lame. Ahh…when someone is auditioning, they don’t wanna hear you sing. You had your chance and no one knows who the fuck you are, get over it. I’m so glad that chick in the bikini told her off. How much of a pea brain must you be when a chick auditioning in a bikini still outwits you? Stomp this idiot already and let’s get back to three judges.

And the Rock & Roll Hall of LAME released its class of 2009. Metallica was an easy choice, as were Little Anthony & The Imperials. I’m sure people have a problem with Run DMC, only the second hip-hop act to be inducted, but you have to look at it like this >>> yeah it’s a rap group, but look at all the musical influences they have covered over the years. They were the first rap group to use guitars on songs like “King of Rock” and my favorite “Rock Box.” Their pairing with Aerosmith on “Walk This Way” in 1986 pretty much resurrected that band’s career from the dead, so I have no problem with them anymore than I would have with the Beastie Boys being inducted when their time comes. The reason why they are the Hall of Lame as opposed to the Hall of Fame is because how can they, for yet another year, exclude one of the greatest rock bands of all time…Rush. The fact that such powerful, layered rock music comes from only three guys is amazing. And I’ve seen them live, I can attest to the fact that they have no backup musicians and still produce what they did in the studio on stage, sometimes even better.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Senate Democrats accepted Roland Burris as President-elect Barack Obama's Senate successor on Monday and said they expect to swear in the new Illinois senator this week. Why spineless Senate Democrats decided to ignore the fact that he is being nominated by a governor who faces impeachment is beyond me. You gotta hand it to Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, he is one sneaky breed of asshole. He nomintated a loudmouth black man that the white Senate is too terrified to oppose. We are supposed to be looking beyond race right? So if a governor is being deemed as unfit, then he is unfit to make this pick, no matter who the pick is. Let’s not forgo the political process for the sake of politcal correctness.

SPORTS

How the fuck could a scrub like Sacramento Kings forward Shelden Williams knock up a goddess like Candice Parker? He is only averaging 3.7 points a game! What could she possibly see in him? He is only averaging 3.7 points a game more than I am! And he is 10 inches taller!

So the Cowboys released the cancer that is Adam “Pac Man” Jones after allegations that he ordered a guy he had a fight at a strip club with shot in 2007. OK Pac Man is a welcome departure, but Jerry Jones released him for something he was accused of doing last year, not some new incident which would have greater justified his being cut. I think the Cowboys just wanted any lame excuse to get rid of this guy before he embarrasses “America’s Team” even further with another incident. An incident that a team that just built a $1 billion stadium cannot easily afford. Could Terrell Owens be next?

And speaking of Halls of Fame…congratulations to Ricky Henderson. Not for constantly referring to himself in the third person, but for deservingly being elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. The greatest leadoff hitter ever and all time base stealer played for more teams than I can remember, but he was great. So the question for everyone is, what cap do you think Ricky will wear in Cooperstown? I say it’s the Oakland Athletics, but a case may be made for Toronto or the Yankees.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I hope shit like this just happens in Ohio…After rejecting his insanity defense, Daniel Petric was found guily by Lorain County Common Pleas Judge James Burge of murdering his mother and injuring his father. Why you say? Was it some bizarre cult killing? Revenge for years of abuse? No…they took away his “Halo 3” video game. And I love how the Associated Press tried to reach Microsoft for a comment. Yeah it was the video game and its designers that made this asshole crazy, not the fact that his father was one of those small church ministers that believes Jesus will send you to hell for cursing and using birth control.