The JB Random Report 1/15/09

Had a conversation with Allan the other day about this blog. This blog that I write every week just for you. So is this what you meant?...

There is a lot of shit I can talk about this week, but I don’t know if I care to address the same shit over and over again. You know, stuff like “George W Bush is a colossal fuck up, glad he is gone” or “I hope Obama is everything we think he is, but he is making some odd, shitty cabinet choices” or “Wow, the economy is more fucked than Lindsay Lohan at a lesbian bar.”

I want to officially announce my candidate for this year’s Nobel Prize…he goes by the name “Johnny,” he is the owner of the 123 BurgerShotBeer sports bar in Hell’s Kitchen, and his invention is a 60 ounce beer tube with a tap at the bottom. Sheer genius!

Incredible...Wonderful...always nice words to hear

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

First of all if I seem a bit sad this week it’s because I am mourning the loss of the “king”(LMMFAO)of Rock n’ Roll, Elvis Presley. Elvis would have been 73 this month. And I’ll tell you one thing, if Elvis were alive today I’m sure all of us would be, well…shit we would all be surprised as hell actually. I never understood this fascination with Elvis. Why is it that people have such a hard time believing he is dead? Is it because he took such good care of himself when he was alive? Certainly a man who ate so many fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches and was on so much umm…”medication” probably should have lived to be 100 right?

OK that new judge on American Idol is lame. Ahh…when someone is auditioning, they don’t wanna hear you sing. You had your chance and no one knows who the fuck you are, get over it. I’m so glad that chick in the bikini told her off. How much of a pea brain must you be when a chick auditioning in a bikini still outwits you? Stomp this idiot already and let’s get back to three judges.

And the Rock & Roll Hall of LAME released its class of 2009. Metallica was an easy choice, as were Little Anthony & The Imperials. I’m sure people have a problem with Run DMC, only the second hip-hop act to be inducted, but you have to look at it like this >>> yeah it’s a rap group, but look at all the musical influences they have covered over the years. They were the first rap group to use guitars on songs like “King of Rock” and my favorite “Rock Box.” Their pairing with Aerosmith on “Walk This Way” in 1986 pretty much resurrected that band’s career from the dead, so I have no problem with them anymore than I would have with the Beastie Boys being inducted when their time comes. The reason why they are the Hall of Lame as opposed to the Hall of Fame is because how can they, for yet another year, exclude one of the greatest rock bands of all time…Rush. The fact that such powerful, layered rock music comes from only three guys is amazing. And I’ve seen them live, I can attest to the fact that they have no backup musicians and still produce what they did in the studio on stage, sometimes even better.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Senate Democrats accepted Roland Burris as President-elect Barack Obama's Senate successor on Monday and said they expect to swear in the new Illinois senator this week. Why spineless Senate Democrats decided to ignore the fact that he is being nominated by a governor who faces impeachment is beyond me. You gotta hand it to Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, he is one sneaky breed of asshole. He nomintated a loudmouth black man that the white Senate is too terrified to oppose. We are supposed to be looking beyond race right? So if a governor is being deemed as unfit, then he is unfit to make this pick, no matter who the pick is. Let’s not forgo the political process for the sake of politcal correctness.

SPORTS

How the fuck could a scrub like Sacramento Kings forward Shelden Williams knock up a goddess like Candice Parker? He is only averaging 3.7 points a game! What could she possibly see in him? He is only averaging 3.7 points a game more than I am! And he is 10 inches taller!

So the Cowboys released the cancer that is Adam “Pac Man” Jones after allegations that he ordered a guy he had a fight at a strip club with shot in 2007. OK Pac Man is a welcome departure, but Jerry Jones released him for something he was accused of doing last year, not some new incident which would have greater justified his being cut. I think the Cowboys just wanted any lame excuse to get rid of this guy before he embarrasses “America’s Team” even further with another incident. An incident that a team that just built a $1 billion stadium cannot easily afford. Could Terrell Owens be next?

And speaking of Halls of Fame…congratulations to Ricky Henderson. Not for constantly referring to himself in the third person, but for deservingly being elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. The greatest leadoff hitter ever and all time base stealer played for more teams than I can remember, but he was great. So the question for everyone is, what cap do you think Ricky will wear in Cooperstown? I say it’s the Oakland Athletics, but a case may be made for Toronto or the Yankees.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I hope shit like this just happens in Ohio…After rejecting his insanity defense, Daniel Petric was found guily by Lorain County Common Pleas Judge James Burge of murdering his mother and injuring his father. Why you say? Was it some bizarre cult killing? Revenge for years of abuse? No…they took away his “Halo 3” video game. And I love how the Associated Press tried to reach Microsoft for a comment. Yeah it was the video game and its designers that made this asshole crazy, not the fact that his father was one of those small church ministers that believes Jesus will send you to hell for cursing and using birth control.