Thursday, January 29, 2009

All-Time Country Song Titles

I’m sure since the election of the first black president of the United States, many racist redneck morons are feeling down this week. Rush Limbaugh in particular. Last week, this fat, drug addicted asshole showed how terrified he is at the reality of a black chief executive that he said, and I quote, “I want him to fail.” What kind of asshole says that about his own president? I, along with most of the literate world, thought George W Bush was a complete fucking retard, but I never wished for him to fail. I didn’t have to, he was incompetent. So, although they are not exactly my target audience, I have decided to dedicate this week’s blog to the redneck in all of us. Have you seen that CMT channel? Since the auditions on American Idol have been uncharacteristically boring and not really worth writing about, I’ve been obsessed with this redneck channel. I mean, it’s hysterical! They have redneck weddings, top 10 redneck moments, even a reality show. It’s like VH1 on four bricks holding up a double-wide.
Now it is easy to make fun of our southern brothers, but I want you to know that I researched this list with BMI (I really need to get a fucking life) and these are all actual registered song titles. I didn’t make them up to be funny, which really should scare the shit out of all of you. I also wanna say that I don’t totally hate country music. Johnny Cash wrote some of the greatest music this country has ever produced. Patsy Cline had a great voice, Hank Williams, George Jones are just brilliant all around musicians, and Chet Atkins was one of the greatest guitar players ever (or should I say “Ghee-tarr”). So, in the spirit of marrying your 13 year old cousin, home made icicles called “beercicles” and driving your lawnmower to the liquor store because your wife hid your car keys, here they are, in no particular order…


I Spent My Last Ten Dollars On Birth Control and Beer / Carla Phillips. Performed by a band called 2 Nice Girls. I’m serious.

Don’t Come Home A-Drinkin’ With Lovin’ On Your Mind / Loretta Lynn

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead? / Benjamin Costello, Alexis Feltham & Jason Whalley

Did I Shave My Legs For This? / Deana Carter

I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me / Reverend (big surprise) Billy C. Wirtz

Dropkick Me Jesus (Through The Goalposts of Life) / Paul Charles Craft

There’s a Tear in My Beer / Hank Williams

If I’d Killed You When I Wanted To, I’d be Out Of Jail by Now / Reuben Darnell

You Can’t Rollerskate In a Buffalo Heard / Roger Miller. OK What the fuck does that mean exactly?

I’m In Love With a Capital “U” / Country Joe Diffie

One Day When You Swing That Skillet (My Face Ain’t Gonna Be There) / Dick Hardwick

Redneck Martians Stole My Baby / Hank Flamingo. I’m serious, I’m not making these up.

You Stole My Wife, You Horse Thief! / OK so I made this one up, sue me! What can I say I was inspired.

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