The JB Random Report 9/24/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I like my President to be a rock star, that’s why I voted for Barack Obama, but right now I’m afraid I’m gonna need a bit more leadership and a bit less Letterman. In case you have not read the health care bill that was finally put to the Senate last week, there is no public option, no cost reduction aimed specifically at the middle class (which means that, at least in theory, they could end up paying more), and the spirit of “everyone being insured” is just not there. Now look, I know it's only the 1st inning as so far as the legislative process goes, but this is the bill that is supposed to be amended into something that everyone can agree on, right now anything amended will just be what Bill Maher said about the bill “A blow job for the insurance companies.” What the fuck does an insurance company even do anyway? They are essentially a middleman between the patient and a doctor right? Didn’t Al Pacino shoot the middleman in Scarface after only the first hour of the movie? Why can’t we just do that?

And to the US and Israeli delegation of the United Nations General Assembly…when you walk out on a speech given by a world leader you do three things 1- look like rude fools to those in the middle of the road on issues such as nuclear proliferation 2- garner sympathy for an asshole 3- Make yourself unable to respond to the contents and criticisms aimed at you during a speech you walked out on. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a totalitarian little runt, don’t make things easier for him by looking petty, because you only make him look better in the eyes of the world. Even that maniac Joe Wilson stayed for Obama’s speech…well maybe that’s not the best example but you know what I mean.

And just in case the UN needed a little bit o' crazy, Libyan leader Col. Mummar Ghadafi was more than happy to oblige. That rambling drivel was just what we needed to lighten up the atmosphere at the General Assembly just a bit. And Donald Trump kicking him out of the tent he pitched on his property in Westchester just added to the bizarre nature of his presence. If he is a Colonel then why is he still in charge? Don’t they have Generals in Libya?

And how happy is Obama that he was not a Cold War President? Could you imagine him having to deal with all the crap he already has on his plate and the situation in Honduras? It’s just this type of crisis that would break the camel’s back and drive him to age rapidly in office and bang a chubby intern.

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT

I thought the stage, sound, and lighting at the U2 concert was great. But one there is just one thing that just might have made last night the last time I see one of my all-time favorite bands…the playlist. You can’t forget that you had a career in the 80’s and 90’s just because your last few records sold well. Every Rolling Stones record in the 90’s went platinum, but they never spend two thirds of a show playing half of “Steel Wheels” or “Bridges to Babylon.” A U2 gig without “Pride in the Name of Love” or “I Will Follow?” Come on…do we really need to hear “Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of” ever again?

I’ve always liked this band called The Bravery (thanx Seli), but I think they might need a new manager. I can’t get enough of their new song, and they are touring starting in September, but their album doesn’t come out until November 11th. Now, is there a reason why you would tour to support an album no one can buy yet?

Look, we all loved “Don’t Stop Believin’”, but when you replace Steve Perry with a guy for who English is a second language, one foot is clearly out the door and the other one is on a banana…Journey, time to go now.

SPORTS

Of course I’m happy that the Yankees have the best record in baseball and were the first to clinch a playoff spot. I’m just a bit concerned that Joba Chamberlain can’t get out of the third inning and they still can’t beat the LA/California/Anaheim or whatever they are calling themselves this year Angels with any certainty.

Is it true that Lamar Odom is actually gonna marry one of those Kardashian skanks? Is she the big fat one without the sex tape?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Tom DeLay on “Dancing With The Stars.” Just in case we need to be reminded of how white he is. Wasn’t this asshole indicted in 2005 for criminally conspiring, along with two political associates, to inject illegal corporate contributions into 2002 state elections? Elections that essentially helped the Republican Party reorder the congressional map in Texas and control the House in Washington. Why isn’t he dancing in jail? Wanna “dance with the stars” asshole? Go be Plaxico Burress’ cellmate and teach him the Cha-cha-cha.

The JB Random Report 9/16/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Osama bin Laden, in another one of his many remix tapes, described President Barack Obama as "powerless" to stop the war in Afghanistan, and Americans' inability to grasp why the Sept. 11 attacks occurred has "cost you a lot without any result whatsoever." Right…because this murdering asshole is in such a position of power. I guess nothing says “powerful” like killing civilians then hiding in a cave. Wanna impress me? Let’s see you drive to the store without getting your ass blown up by one of our drones.

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT

RIP to a New York City icon. An author, musician and all around artist: Jim Carroll. In case you didn’t know, he wrote “The Basketball Diaries” and one of my all-time favorite songs which I’m sure will be played at his funeral, “People Who Died.” For a song I have been talking about all year, it is now being for the benefit of its author. I guess now he can add a verse for himself.

SPORTS

Friday September 11, was quite a memorable day in sports. There was the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame induction ceremony which inducted amongst others, the greatest player ever in Michael Jordan. 32 minutes later, Derek Jeter broke Ludwig Heinrich Gehrig’s all time Yankees hits record.
Now like you, I have no fucking idea what Jordan has to be so bitter about. It’s not like we don’t still buy his sneakers or compare him constantly to LeBron James. OK, maybe that last part sucks for him, but he is still the best player ever. Why let that bile filled, vindictive Jordannist Manifesto of an acceptance speech be part of your legacy?

How terrified do you think white people at the US Open were when Serena Williams had that meltdown and threatened the line judge? I’m sure they had spent years saying she was one of the “good ones.” In all the years John McEnroe tore into line judges and referees, no one ever took a point away from him that cost him an entire match. Not to excuse her behavior, or take away from the fact the she acted like a self-entitled brat, but what was that all about? And when did “racquet abuse” become a fineable offense? Did the tennis racquets form a political group I don’t know about?

With Dice-K making a strong comeback and the Yankees only 5 games in first place, the last thing they need is injuries or suspensions, so I hope that bench clearing brawl was worth it. Although secretly I have to admit that it’s nice to see them so united, even if it’s to beat on another team.

And, wait a minute, wasn’t there some football played this weekend? The Dallas Cowboys won, of course. I expected Donovan McNabb to get hurt eventually, but not in
week 1. Now bear with me, but I really believe that someone breathing a sigh of relief right now is Roger Goodell. Had he not suspended Michael Vick, the biggest story from week 1 would be the fact that Vick is starting week 2, and I don’t think Goodell wants his league dominated by a Vick story.
How much money does the billion dollar industry that is the NFL need? I don’t remember ever seeing two Monday night games.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Oh yeah and the VMA’s were on, proving that I have battered wife syndrome. I sit watching this crap hoping that maybe something good will surprise me. This tribute the lame and irrelevant lived up to the title by having that most irrelevant of hags, Madonna, deliver some bizarre eulogy to Michael Jackson where she talked more about herself than about him. I lost count of how many times she used the words “me” and “I.” And comparing MJ to Fred Astaire and Muhammad Ali would have been great if she were giving her speech at a nursing home. Half that audience had no idea who she was talking about.
Not helping was the fact that a genuine British hag, as opposed to a fake British hag like Madonna, hosted the show (how annoying is that guy?). And in keeping up with the classy theme of the evening, Katy Perry decided to open her legs and grab her crotch after being thanked for her opening introduction (her parents must be so proud). She shared the stage with Aerosmith’s Joe Perry, who must be glad they are not related or he would have denied her like the Apostle Peter denied Jesus the night of the crucifixion.
And of course, Kanye West is the asshole of the year. He‘s just lucky he did that to someone as mild mannered as Taylor Swift (I still have no idea who the fuck she is). Had he rushed the stage on Lady Gaga, she would have slapped him upside his head with her dick!
And what’s so great about Beyonce’s video anyway? It’s just a bunch of chicks with fat asses shaking them uncontrollably. In my world that’s not a great video, it’s a great weekend. Now as hateful a yenta as Beyonce is, it was a nice gesture for her to invite Taylor Swift on stage to finish her speech. However, the fact that she had a microphone already in hand and was so easy to find backstage kinda made it look staged. Damn, even her niceties are self-serving.

The JB Random Report 9/10/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Someone please explain to me how President Obama’s speech to a group of school kids Tuesday was promoting a Socialist agenda? Don’t Republicans realize that when they oppose something like a speech to a group of students they make themselves look like petty idiots with nothing to complain about? Can’t they see that everything they have criticized him for is what the people actually want which is why they voted for the man? Don’t they see that…wait a minute…can someone please get Rush Limbaugh out of the medicine cabinet and someone put Glenn Beck in to his “special” restraining chair before I continue giving them advice…Oh and is that Ann Coulter over there in the corner playing with her own poop?
I loved Obama’s statements during his Labor Day speech, a campaign-style preview of his Wednesday speech. When approaching the issue of health care he simply asked Republicans “Ok…what’s your solution?” We have been waiting for that for decades, and the only response from Republicans has been, “Let your doctor make the decisions, not the Government.” That’s like me answering a question about my favorite beer by saying “Bring beer to the BBQ, but I will be going to Church yesterday to get my car fixed.”
As for the Wednesday speech before congress, THAT’S the Barack I was waiting for! He was eloquent as usual, but he was also clear, forceful and determined, something that was sorely lacking in his comments on this issue so far.
And in keeping with the classy tradition that is the Republican party…to be heckled by a nobody like Rep. Joe Wilson from South Carolina should only strengthen the president’s resolve. Anyone animate and desperate enough to breech Congressional protocol and decorum like that is obviously irate at the fact that the health care industry’s PAC money gravy train is coming to a screeching halt.

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT

When you wake up in the morning with “Don’t come home a-drinkin’ with lovin’ on your mind” stuck in your head, unable to get it out, it really is time to stop watching those “Time Life Music” infomercials before going to bed

Given all the attention that The Beatles have been getting lately, both online and on all the cable TV channels, you would think it were some important anniversary of some milestone achieved by the band. But alas, it is only to celebrate the release of a video game. That’s right, a video game, The Beatles: Rock Band. So there will be no Beatles favorite song list or album list or any list coming from me this week, sorry. I will not participate in celebrating this bullshit. In the words of country music person Brad Paisley, “Rock Band never got anybody a date.” Now I will take this one step further, if playing Rock Band actually has gotten you laid, that girl just killed your parents and ate them, burying the remains in your back yard. She then recorded said feast and just posted it on YouTube. What the fuck have we become when pretending to play guitar in front of a TV screen is the more popular pastime than actually learning to play?

Ellen DeGeneres? Not that she won’t be funny, but part of the credibility of the judges on American Idol was that they were in the music business. Gee, I wonder which talk show those who get voted off will go on first?

SPORTS

And just in case the Denver Broncos didn’t have enough drama with a rookie head coach, a disgruntled wide out and an escaped quarterback, rookie tight end Richard Quinn has been arrested on harassment and domestic violence charges.

I guess it’s just a business after all, isn’t it? I’ll never forget him regardless, but Super Bowl XLII hero David Tyree, who provided one of those incredible moments that will forever live in sports history by catching a pass off his head, was cut last week by the New York Giants. I hope he hooks up with another team

Looks like the great Iron Horse has company. Hey Mena, at this age, Derek Jeter is actually 80 hits ahead of Pete Rose. I’m telling you dude he is gonna break that record, and here is how he will do it…
The Yankees will, under no circumstances, put either Derek Jeter or Mariano Rivera out to pasture. They will be allowed to retire on their own terms as was the great Mickey Mantle and a select few. Alex Rodriguez is another story. When A-Rod’s contract is up, he is either gonna move to DH or he is gone, paving the way for an aging Jeter to play third base, although even his critics have to admit he is having a great defensive season as well as a great season at the plate. At third, Jeter will break Rose’s record, and he will do it in a Yankee uniform. I think at that point, the “Pete Rose Hall of Fame” argument might lose some of its bite, but for the record, Rose does deserve to be in.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Shawne Merriman can’t be taken out by any offensive line in the NFL, but a reality TV bimbo has no problem sidelining the guy. This is the same guy who was gonna play last season with a torn ACL, but can’t handle a glorified groupie. Merriman was arrested this weekend for restraining (huh?) and choking reality TV person Tila Tequila (If the choking shut her up then maybe he should have gotten an award). Look, I have no problem with famous athletes banging skanks, that’s what skanks are for, but letting her into your house? Dude what was going through your helmet?

See...This is why you don't let crazy into your house!

The JB Random Report 9/4/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Oh come on…did anything interesting happen this week besides those creepy kidnappers in California? I don’t wanna write about those assholes.

And speaking of the Golden State, Do you think the wildfires in California are being caused by Snoop Dogg’s constant weed smoking?

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT

I didn’t know that it had taken this long to bury Michael Jackson.

The mere rumor of this is disturbing…Online rumors have the great Charlie Watts retiring from the Rolling Stones. As any Stones fan knows, every time the Stones tour or make a record Keith Richards has to coax Watts out of hiding like a hostage negotiator. It seems as though its not gonna work next time. Both dynamic and understated, Watts’ drumming was the backbone of the Stones’ sound, and I hate to say this, but I really don’t think the band could ever be the same without him.

SPORTS

I have long been accused of favoritism or as I like to call it, “Yankeeism” because I subjectively root for my favorite team, which just happens to be the winningest sports franchise in the history of any sport on the planet. However, these are some very objective September observations on the Yankees…
Derek Jeter has been robbed of the MVP on at least two occasions, once in 1999 and the other in 2006. Unless there are thieves in the temple yet again, this really should be his year. Not just because he is having an amazing year, but as a lifetime achievement award, if you will. In the middle of the season, I really thought the MVP was Mark Teixeira. Now this creates a situation where the Yankee vote could be split, and Joe Mauer would become the MVP. He has had a great year, but is he the best player on the best team, and would that team be the same without him? Ask yourself, would the Twins be 5 games behind the Tigers and out of the post season even without Joe Mauer? I say yes, so he should not be the MVP this year. He is of course, a great player having a great season, but is he the most valuable player?
As for the Cy Young Award, ask yourselves this…what kind of year did the Oakland Athletics have in 1992? I’ll tell you, they made it to the ALCS and lost to Toronto. A very good year by any standard, and the Cy Young award winner and MVP that year was their closer, Dennis Eckersley. This year, the greatest closer ever has a lower ERA than Eck did in 1992 and has 38 saves. 1 through 9, no team has the offense that this year’s Yankees have and Rivera has a groin injury so he might not play this weekend, two factors that might keep him from 13 more saves. For Mariano Rivera, finally getting a well deserved Cy Young Award this year would be, once again, a lifetime achievement award…like Whoopi Goldberg getting an Oscar for “Ghost.” It says “we should have given it to you years ago, but here it is.” The voters who love their own smell so much that they say “a closer shouldn’t get it” are full of shit. They had no problem giving it to Eckersley in 1992. Rivera is black and English is his second language, so don’t make me call Reverend Al if he gets robbed.

The NFL makes billions a year in revenue, and they have the audacity to black out home games that don’t sell out? Ticket prices for NFL games are about 3 times the cost of Major League Baseball games. We are in a recession you assholes, people can’t afford to go to games and they shouldn’t have to be punished by their own home team for it. And what’s even worse, as if the NFL needed more help, this is the most anticipated season of football that I can remember. Seriously when was the last time we talked about the NFL in July? You have the Michael Vick story, Brett Favre, the Cowboys new stadium, Mark Sanchez…so many storylines it’s like Melrose Place with shoulder pads. This is not the time to alienate your fans.
Speaking of the J-E-T-S Jets, a word of advice…do not be bullied into signing wideout Brandon Marshall. Remember this asshole is one more domestic abuse charge from being permanently banned by Roger Goodell, not to mention that his own team won’t have anything to do with him. He has refused to even read his own team’s playbook, and was just suspended for being a brat. Whoever he signs with, he is gonna want a new contract, so do you really wanna invest millions on someone who might make your life hell and be a cancer in your locker room? Is this the guy you wanna give up a good linebacker in David Harris, and/or a first round pick for? Is this the guy you want your rookie phenom to throw to knowing that he might not even make it to the end of the season? Grow a brain please…

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Who the fuck is LeGarrette Blount and why did he just ruin the opening game of the NCAA Football season? Before I even get to the story let me just say that famous “Blue lawn” at Boise State is annoying. So all week Boise State and Oregon have been trading billboard material about the opening game, and after Oregon loses, Blount decides he is going to sucker punch Broncos defensive end Byron Hout on the chin while he turned away. What’s even more surprising is that not one of Hout’s teammates retaliated. I’m sure they didn’t wanna turn it into World War III but still, if your teammate gets sucker punched while he isn’t looking you have to protect him.
As for Blount, anything less than complete expulsion from school, loss of scholarship and removal from the football team is unacceptable. A lot of these guys boast about wanting to play in the NFL. Could you imagine what Goodell would do to this asshole? It’s this attitude of self entitlement by college athletes that keeps Goodell so busy suspending players at the next level.