Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The JB Random Report 9/16/09


Osama bin Laden, in another one of his many remix tapes, described President Barack Obama as "powerless" to stop the war in Afghanistan, and Americans' inability to grasp why the Sept. 11 attacks occurred has "cost you a lot without any result whatsoever." Right…because this murdering asshole is in such a position of power. I guess nothing says “powerful” like killing civilians then hiding in a cave. Wanna impress me? Let’s see you drive to the store without getting your ass blown up by one of our drones.


RIP to a New York City icon. An author, musician and all around artist: Jim Carroll. In case you didn’t know, he wrote “The Basketball Diaries” and one of my all-time favorite songs which I’m sure will be played at his funeral, “People Who Died.” For a song I have been talking about all year, it is now being for the benefit of its author. I guess now he can add a verse for himself.


Friday September 11, was quite a memorable day in sports. There was the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame induction ceremony which inducted amongst others, the greatest player ever in Michael Jordan. 32 minutes later, Derek Jeter broke Ludwig Heinrich Gehrig’s all time Yankees hits record.
Now like you, I have no fucking idea what Jordan has to be so bitter about. It’s not like we don’t still buy his sneakers or compare him constantly to LeBron James. OK, maybe that last part sucks for him, but he is still the best player ever. Why let that bile filled, vindictive Jordannist Manifesto of an acceptance speech be part of your legacy?

How terrified do you think white people at the US Open were when Serena Williams had that meltdown and threatened the line judge? I’m sure they had spent years saying she was one of the “good ones.” In all the years John McEnroe tore into line judges and referees, no one ever took a point away from him that cost him an entire match. Not to excuse her behavior, or take away from the fact the she acted like a self-entitled brat, but what was that all about? And when did “racquet abuse” become a fineable offense? Did the tennis racquets form a political group I don’t know about?

With Dice-K making a strong comeback and the Yankees only 5 games in first place, the last thing they need is injuries or suspensions, so I hope that bench clearing brawl was worth it. Although secretly I have to admit that it’s nice to see them so united, even if it’s to beat on another team.

And, wait a minute, wasn’t there some football played this weekend? The Dallas Cowboys won, of course. I expected Donovan McNabb to get hurt eventually, but not in
week 1
. Now bear with me, but I really believe that someone breathing a sigh of relief right now is Roger Goodell. Had he not suspended Michael Vick, the biggest story from week 1 would be the fact that Vick is starting week 2, and I don’t think Goodell wants his league dominated by a Vick story.
How much money does the billion dollar industry that is the NFL need? I don’t remember ever seeing two Monday night games.


Oh yeah and the VMA’s were on, proving that I have battered wife syndrome. I sit watching this crap hoping that maybe something good will surprise me. This tribute the lame and irrelevant lived up to the title by having that most irrelevant of hags, Madonna, deliver some bizarre eulogy to Michael Jackson where she talked more about herself than about him. I lost count of how many times she used the words “me” and “I.” And comparing MJ to Fred Astaire and Muhammad Ali would have been great if she were giving her speech at a nursing home. Half that audience had no idea who she was talking about.
Not helping was the fact that a genuine British hag, as opposed to a fake British hag like Madonna, hosted the show (how annoying is that guy?). And in keeping up with the classy theme of the evening, Katy Perry decided to open her legs and grab her crotch after being thanked for her opening introduction (her parents must be so proud). She shared the stage with Aerosmith’s Joe Perry, who must be glad they are not related or he would have denied her like the Apostle Peter denied Jesus the night of the crucifixion.
And of course, Kanye West is the asshole of the year. He‘s just lucky he did that to someone as mild mannered as Taylor Swift (I still have no idea who the fuck she is). Had he rushed the stage on Lady Gaga, she would have slapped him upside his head with her dick!
And what’s so great about Beyonce’s video anyway? It’s just a bunch of chicks with fat asses shaking them uncontrollably. In my world that’s not a great video, it’s a great weekend. Now as hateful a yenta as Beyonce is, it was a nice gesture for her to invite Taylor Swift on stage to finish her speech. However, the fact that she had a microphone already in hand and was so easy to find backstage kinda made it look staged. Damn, even her niceties are self-serving.


  1. - Bin Laden is clearly aware of the average American's ignorance about world affairs and the like. And looking at the so-called "healthcare debate" we all know that nuance and a grasp of the issues is out of reach most of our fellow countrymen. ("Get government hands off from my Medicare!," said one genius.) But more importantly, Bin Laden is rejoicing in the fact that 3,000 people got murdered, and what happened? We got mired in the wrong place and he is STILL on the loose. Not to mention there is still a hole in the ground where it's that for symbolism?

    - Is there a reason you didn't write his name as Henry Louis Gehrig that I need to know about?

    - Tennis and their poncy, snobby nonsense can go suck it as far as I'm concerned. I didn't see Serena's reaction but it was probably met with hushed cries "Oh no, Charlston! How could that negress behave in such a way! So uncouth!" Fuck 'em.

    - The Yankee-hating ESPN--and most of the baseball press--have been painting Yankee catcher Jorge Posada as the bad guy. But what the fuck was Jays pitcher Jesse Carlson doing in the path of Posada’s retreat to the dugout–after scoring–and not behind home plate which is what he is taught to do and where he was supposed to be? Was that an attempt to show Posada up after he threw behind him just minutes before? Why else would he be there? Trying to stir things up or absent-minded idiocy? Either way, Carlson exercised even worse judgment than Posada, since the former’s actions CLEARLY enabled the situation to happen and later escalate.

    - The main clue to the horridness of the '09 VMAs was clear to anyone who had access to these four words: Russell Brand hosting again.

  2. Yeah, I'm sure there were quite a few terrified at the US Open with Serena William's outburst. I wouldn't excuse her behavior either though she did have a right to be mad, it's called “competitive edge” and it happens in sports all the time. However, she did go overboard with the “kill you” part.

    Well just to give you some background on Taylor Swift, she's a popular singer of country music and has become mostly popular with the song “Love Story” which she wrote and recorded. The song was released in September 2008 and two months later it had already reached the top of the Billboard country chart for 2 weeks, becoming her third Billboard Number One and also becoming her highest debuting song on that chart in her career. At the beginning of February 2009 "Love Story" had been downloaded more than 3 million times, making it the most downloaded country song in history.

    I totally agree with you that Kanye West is THE ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR. Although he has made three public apologies -- two that he blogged and one in his appearance on the Jay Leno Show on Monday night -- and he also called Taylor Swift yesterday to personally apologize, what is done is done and cannot be taken back. There is a lot to be said about a person who depicts how heartless he could be in public. It is obvious that his apologies have only derived from knowing how this has affected his public image.

  3. That's his original name in German. His parents were German immigrants. He changed it in the 20's and 30's for obvious reasons.

    Serena's actions were shameful and absolutely inexcusable, I just think that there have been lesser penalties for similar offenses.

    Carlson was not only out of position off home plate, he wasn't even on the 1st base baseline. Suspensions are pending, I can't wait to see who gets what.
    I don't know if ESPN is Yankee hating as much as Boston-loving, but I doubt you can have one without the other. The Yankees have the best record in baseball, but always seem to be the 5th or 6th story on SportsCenter. Conspiracy?? you decide!

  4. I have more info about Taylor Swift than any straight man should.

    "It is obvious that his apologies have only derived from knowing how this has affected his public image."
    - That's a great line

  5. Like The Jonas Brothers, and Hanson before them, Miss Swift writes and performs her own music. It's not my cup of tea but she has my respect for being an artist instead of just another little puppet out there.

  6. Also, Carlson STAYED IN THE DUGOUT long after his ejection!

  7. I always thought Lady Gaga was a dude...

  8. You mean she/he's not?