The JB Random Report 12/3/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

OK I guess there was no way that the nitwits in this country were going to accept the fact that a black man is the best qualified man to run the country. After trying everything from calling him a terrorist to hating his choice of White House dog, now it seems that they wanna raise questions about his birth certificate. So much so, that the Supreme Court has to hear this crap in conference on Friday. Could you imagine if this story has any teeth? It would really suck. I believe Barack Obama to be a stand up guy, so produce it already and let’s get on with fixing the country.

Anyone take a look at that “short list” New York Governor David Paterson wrote to appoint a replacement for new Secretary of State, Senator Hillary Clinton? Since there is no need for an election and no background check necessary…I’m available!

I guess every once in a while the Universe feels the need to adjust itself properly…Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter will have her jaw wired shut due to a fall she took last month, or due to exhaustion after running her mouth too loudly while no one listened. The point is she will not be able to talk for a while…I guess there really is a Santa Claus!

So it’s official…The National Bureau of Economic Research announced today that the United States has been in a recession since last year…Happy Anniversary!!! I’m so glad I depend on The National Bureau of Economic Research to give me those “hard to find” stories. In a related story, they also reported that the Earth is round, Mariah Carey is a complete fucking maniac and 4 quarters make one dollar.

SPORTS

New York has been one busy sports town this week huh? So let us begin with the criminal charges first. Plaxico Burress…what a moron. I can’t believe he caught the winning touchdown pass in the greatest Super Bowl ever just a short time ago. Seriously where did this future Oakland Raider think he was going the night he shot himself with his own gun? He was going to Latin Quarters to be sweated by Giants fans and your standard nightclub sluts looking for a new baby daddy, not on patrol in Fallujah, so what did he need the gun for?
And DO NOT even try to use the fact that Steve Smith, his teammate, was robbed at gunpoint recently as justification for this bonehead. Smith was robbed at his home by his driver no less, and had he had a gun, the headline would have been “Two men dead. One drove a car, one played football.” Dude, you catch balls for a living, you are not that important. And if you are that self absorbed as to call yourself a target because you are an athlete, then maybe it’s time to stay home once in a while or change your social habits. Brett Favre never shot himself, Jerry Rice never shot himself, so go visit some of their clubs.

I can see the Yankees not offering arbitration to Jason Giambi even though he had a decent year. But Andy Pettitte? They are letting the best left hander they have ever had since Ron Guidry get away a second time?

And then there is Stephon Marbury. It is sheer genius to collect a $21 million paycheck for not playing. I can see why the Knicks want to get rid of this cancer, but at least do it with a bit more objectivity and try to trade him.

And for those of you who think that today’s modern athlete has no respect for nostalgia, here is a heartwarming story from our friends across the pond…
Dutch soccer player Daniel Guijo-Velasco was banned for five matches for raising his arm in a Nazi salute during a second-division match. He performed the salute to an opposing player during Friday's match against RBC Roosendaal. In an interview after the match, which ended in a 1-1 draw, the Belgian explained his action by saying the player "was walking around like a German." More like walking around like an asshole. I still can’t understand how Europeans are so cavalier about shit like this.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Every once in a while I feel the need to crack on my own profession…
FORT COLLINS, Colo. - A man accused of making unflattering online comments about his former lover and her attorney on Craigslist has been charged with two counts of criminal libel. Now bear with me but I have to make this asshole famous. Larimer County District Attorney Larry Abrahamson cited an obsure 1800s-era state law that can put people in jail for the content of their speech or writing. Now how did something like this even get on the books in Colorado? Don’t we have a Constitution that protects speech? And shouldn’t the DA know or at least acknowledge the existence of a US Constitution? Or are these inbred assholes gonna go the way of Mississippi and not officially remove slavery from their state law books until the 1990’s?