The JB Random Report 11/19/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Looks like Hillary Clinton is being tapped to be Barack Obama’s Secretary of State. Believe it or not, this would actually be a perfect job for her. One of the greatest Secretaries of state in recent memory was Henry Kissinger. Kissinger was a master at negotiations and diplomacy, but more importantly, he was the perfect contrast to the president he was serving at the time, Emperor Nero oops, I meant Richard Nixon. Clinton is clearly no Kissinger, but let me tell you what she does bring to the table…the perfect contrast. Having a Secretary of State as hawkish as Clinton would give Obama the freedom to either agree with her when she is right, or use her as a buffer between him and other world leaders when he either disagrees with her outright, or wants to take a softer position on the matter. When he wants to take a stand on an issue, but doesn’t want to look like he is taking one, she is the perfect go-between. In short, it’s a “good cop, bad cop” situation where Obama would be the “good cop.”
Clinton does bring a good deal of foreign policy experience to the table as well, and not to mention that she is well known internationally. Notice how I used the term “well known,” not “popular” or “well liked.” But she is exactly what the job needs. And since this is a job that would require her to be out of the country a majority of the time, that celebratory sound you hear coming from Harlem is emanating from Bill Clinton’s office.

Al-Qaida's No. 2, Ayman al-Zawahri made another video tape, I guess trying to remind the world that they are still alive, eventhough they are hiding in a cave somewhere making video tapes. Why do terrorists have so many Number 2 guys? Anyway this coward called Barack Obama a “house negro.” Correction terrorist asshole…he is a White House negro! If Obama is a house negro what does that make you? A cave negro? And if you are so brave why not come out of your cave and fight us? We are not hard to find. Fuck Al Qaida.

ENTERTAINMENT

I really like Prince, but he is getting even weirder with old age. Yes the man who brought you the male garter belt and the ass-less pants spoke out against gay marriage this week. He would have gone on an even bigger homophobic rant but his mascara was running, so he got up on his 6” heels and walked in to the ladies room to fix it.

I have no idea who the fuck Selena Gomez is, but I have it on good authority that she will be the next teenager on The Disney Channel who will be gracing us with a naked pic scandal…you heard it here first!

SPORTS

Nick Swisher has yet to have an at-bat for the Yankees…and I like him already. The liberal, elitist New York (which for Governors of Alaska just means “Jew”) media has already linked this guy with a Playboy playmate…good man. Welcome to New York, call me so we can hang out sometime dude!
And in other, less pleasant Yankee news that I hope is false, it looks like Mike Mussina is gonna call it a career. After his first 20-win season I have to say I’m a bit surprised. Incidentally, every other pitcher who has won at least 100 games more than he has lost is in the Hall of Fame. I hope he gets his votes.

Umm…excuse me Donovan McNabb, but you have been an NFL quarterback for 10 years right? And you were not aware that your team had a tie game in 1997 and that in
2002 the Pittsburgh Steelers and Atlanta Falcons played to a tie, a year which incidentally, you were in the league. So it baffles me that you are getting paid $ 9 million this year and you didn’t know that tie games exist in the NFL and that it is contained in the rulebook? Were you busy doing something else that you couldn’t read the rules of your own sport?

An injury to a guy named Tyler on the Tarheels is never good news. No…not that Tyler, I meant Tyler Zeller, who by the way, is really good. Too bad he won’t be proving it this season as he as a broken wrist and will be out. Hansbrough better get well soon. But still…Dick Vitale announcing, North Carolina winning…it’s officially winter.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A few things this week…

With all due respect to John McCain…I am going to make them famous. GM CEO Richard Wagoner (who couldn’t give Congress a straight answer with a ruler), Chrysler's Robert Nardelli, Ford’s Alan Mulally all went to Capitol Hill today to ask for a bailout in the billions for their respective companies. Saying that the industry would collapse and go bankrupt if not given the money. Nice to see they were contributing to their companies bottom lines by each flying in on a private jet. Someone stick these assholes in that cave where Al-Qaida is.

Sarah Palin is reportedly getting $7 million for a book deal. Great. What would that book be about actually? And why would any publishing company give this woman cab fare for a book much less $7 million? Someone explain to me on what subject does this woman have $7 million worth of knowledge? Wait…this just in…it’s a cookbook about Moose.