The JB Random Report 10/29/08

Ummm…so did anything interesting happen this week?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So how's that bailout working for you?

It looks like the Democrats are finally growing some balls now that Barack Obama is ahead in the polls. They are claiming that they have enough support to push for 60 Senate seats after this election which would mean a filibuster-proof Senate. For those who have never taken a government class (or were too stoned in college to remember it) Senators have the floor for as long as they want. During the Civil rights era, racist senators from the south would routinely get up and read out names of the phonebook in order to have the floor for so long that no one would vote on the legislation. With 60 seats, Republicans could no longer block legislation from getting to the floor for a vote. The problem is, Democrats in control of the Senate is like me piloting an F-22 Raptor Joint Strike Fighter. I think its the hottest jet fighter in the world and its firepower is awesome, but I haven't the slightest idea what to do with it. If I were ever at the controls I might fire something by accident and next thing you know, we are at war with Canada. The House has been controlled by Democrats for over a year and the only thing that Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been able to do is demonstrate how a human being can function without a backbone.
But the democrats are not helping themselves by making better choices in candidates. In an ad for Al Franken, who is running in Minnesota, Sen. Hillary Clinton said, "Al Franken could very well be that 60th vote." Al Franken? That's pretty fucking scary. He is a sometimes funny former writer for Saturday Night Live who thinks he can be a senator because he had good jokes about Ronald Reagan 25 years ago.

Did you like that Barack Obama infomercial? It sure was better than that lame "Time-Life Soft Rock Hits" one with the 2 homosexuals from Air Supply.

And here's something to put a monkey wrench in the Republican's program…Looks like the state of Alaska just can't get a break, first the Exxon-Valdez, then Sarah Palin, and now it looks like their senior senator is going to jail. After a 40 year political career, Sen. Ted Stevens was convicted on seven corruption charges. He faces up to five years for each count, but Federal Sentencing Guidelines being written on another planet and all, he might face no jail time at all. Not that it matters, I mean this fossil is 84 years old so anything over a year could be considered a life sentence. Think this might hurt his chances for re-election? Youuuu betcha!

ENTERTAINMENT

A Led Zeppelin reunion without Robert Plant? Yeah… that makes sense. Get a 30 year old wide-eyed groupie to replace one of the greatest frontmen ever, I'm sure the fans won't be offended at all. I mean it's not like you are trying to rip them off or anything.

SPORTS

In the continuing soap opera that is the Dallas Cowboys, nice to see that they can depend on steady players like TE Jason Whitten to keep the team level-headed on the field. Wait a minute…maybe not…add him to the injured list with a broken rib, and in the week when they need him the most too. That sucks. They are playing the 6-1 Giants.

Americans don't like rugby, and the English don't like NFL football. Can we stop playing there now, before someone really gets hurt on that weak turf at Wembley Stadium?

Only fitting that Greg Oden should play in Portland, because he is becoming as delicate as Bill Walton.

And congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies for their first World Series since 1980. I hope they celebrate with free steaks from Geno's. Is it me, or does MLB Commissioner Bud Selig just always get it wrong? I know he is in a tough position, but his decision making can be weird. First their was that ridiculous All-Star game tie, and now to play a World Series game during a monsoon was just dangerous. To have to suspend that game and continue it two days later with a 3 inning game to decide a championship was even weirder, but at least we all got to go to bed early.

THIS WEEK'S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Joe the Plumber