The JB Random Report 9/17/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

WASHINGTON – Remember how I’m always saying that whenever Washington wants to bury a story they make a statement on Friday hoping that by the weekend it will be forgotten? Well now they are using a new, more cynical trick…breaking news on September 11th, when the nation is reflecting on other, more significant things. This story shouldn't be forgotten because it’s the most bizarre sex scandal I can remember. It involves the usual sex and drugs, but…offshore oil drilling? Yeah, because nothing says “PAAAAARTY!!” like, umm…offshore oil drilling.
An odd mix that could not have come at a worse time for a US Congress trying to expand off shore drilling and stop the democrats from increasing taxes on oil companies.
An investigation by the Department of the Interior found workers at the Minerals Management Service's royalty collection office in Denver partying, having sex, using drugs and accepting gifts, ski trips and golf outings from energy company representatives with whom they did government business. Let’s make them “E-famous” shall we? Chevron, Shell, Hess and Gary-Williams Energy, were all named in the investigation. At this point I think that we are numbed by how blatantly oil companies are running this administration and this president.

Is it me, or did that footage on CNN of employees of now bankrupt investment bank Lehman Brothers leaving with boxes of whatever they could carry out of their offices remind you of people in Texas fleeing hurricane Ike? I know it’s hard to be sympathetic to Wall Street, but it’s scary to think that on Friday you had a job, and by dawn’s early light on Monday you are unemployed, rushing to get your belongings out of your office before the bank comes. There were even cops outside the lobby. I really never thought I would live to see this country’s economy fail so badly. Anyone with a 401k really needs to keep a close eye on this, I am deadly serious.

ATTENTION CITIZENS!!! The US economy is an Irish Bar, and Amy Winehouse just staggered in and asked to run a tab.

So what do you think of that Sarah Palin action figure? Does anyone know if it comes in the larger, ummm…”blow-up” variety?

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes being bummed out about a dating situation can make me forget that I’m so cute it’s pitiful. Thankfully that only lasts a short time. I feel considerably better after getting naked in front of a mirror and seeing how amazing my body is looking lately. I’m sorry was I thinking out loud again?
Thinking out loud always gets me in trouble. I remember my ex girlfriend saying to me, "Jesse...I know I turn you on physically, but do I turn you on mentally?” and I said "Yeah...right now my brain is as hard as a rock"...got kicked out of the house for that one

I couldn’t possibly make this one up…a 35-year-old Illinois woman suffered a stroke during sex (hey don’t look at me, I was in New York at the time). The woman's symptoms were typical of an unusual, rare kind of "cryptogenic" stroke. In order for them to occur there has to be a “perfect storm” of things happening together. In this particular case, a small opening in the wall between the two upper chambers of the heart, also known as Patent Foramen Ovale or PFO, was the cause. This is the area that blood flows through when a person strains, like during an orgasm. You know, this explains why she never called me back…

SPORTS

I gotta be honest, I don’t remember the last time I actually sat through every single down of a Monday Night Football game, at least not since ESPN took over for ABC a few years ago. But the game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys however, had to be one of the greatest Monday night games ever. Now I am happy to report that the critics were right, the commentating team of Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski is so fucking bad it has me wishing for a return to the days of Dennis Miller. The icing on the cake being that idiot Kornheiser, when describing the Spanish broadcast of Felix Jones’ touchdown return said "I took high school Spanish, either he said he's not going to be caught, or please pick up my dry cleaning tomorrow." Brilliant…and on Hispanic Heritage Month too. But even I have to admit Kornheiser was right about one thing; if the Cowboys are going to be anointed as a Super Bowl team, this was a game they had to win if they wanted to make a statement concerning the early hype that has surrounded them. It was a thrilling offensive game, with neither team being able to make a decent stop, and by the 3rd quarter you just knew that whoever had the ball last was gonna win the game. That did just happen to be Dallas. Felix Jones looked great, but it was Marion Barber with those short touchdown runs that won that game.

What the hell could possibly be going through Josh Howard’s mind? Doesn’t he know by now that any dumb thing you say, even in private, in front of a camera is gonna end up on Youtube? If you are stupid enough to say, “I don’t celebrate that shit (referring to the National Anthem) because I’m black god damnit” in front of a camera, then why not just move to the country whose anthem you are willing to celebrate and see if they will pay you millions to put a ball through a hoop while tolerating your illegal drag racing and marijuana use.

OK so Carlos Zambrano threw a no-hitter, Derek Jeter broke Lou Gehrig’s hits record at Yankee Stadium…great. But how can you possibly expect me to talk baseball when the Yanks are out of it for the first time since the Clinton years?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Women who wear make up to the gym. It’s a gym you ridiculous, peabrain, insecure bimbos, not ladies night at the Copacabana.