The JB Random Report 9/10/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

About 5 years ago, I helped a friend move his family into their first house out in Long Island. Over the years we had outdoor parties, barbecues, beerfests and domino games into the night. This weekend, I helped him move out. He had to sell in order to avoid foreclosure. A few thousand bucks could have saved the house, but it wasn't to be. At the same time this was happening, our government bailed out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and no, these are not white rappers getting out of a suburban jail, these are federally subsidized mortgage companies who were so grossly mismanaged they need an act of Congress to save them; a move which will ultimately place the liability of 5 trillion dollars in default mortgages on the backs of US taxpayers. Now this wouldn't bother me so much if 70% of all new mortgages in recent months hadn't been approved by these companies. If they knew they were in trouble, why continue to operate without at least warning people? This would send any CEO of a non-government subsidized company directly to jail. Instead, those same assholes are getting severance packages in the millions, all while the deficit rises at $750,000 a minute. All my friend needed was a window of a few thousand dollars and he could have kept his home. The interest rate on our deficit alone could build a new home for every registered voter in the United States. When we go to the polls this November, we will all have political reasons for our choices…I think I just found a personal one.

BANGKOK, Thailand - Samak Sundaravej, Thailand's prime minister was forced to resign along with his cabinet on Tuesday after a court ruled that he had violated the constitution by hosting TV cooking shows while in office. An incredibly stupid reason to remove anyone from office, and I assure you that Samak's pending corruption charges have more to do with the removal, but it did make me wish that Dick Cheney would go on Rachel Ray.

Looks like North Korean dictator, Western movie fan and maniac Kim Jong Il is missing. He is about 5' 2" so he is gonna be hard to find, he could be hiding in the hamper again. Just be on the lookout for a little Korean kid who goes to Chuck E Cheese all by himself and asks for the big boy cup!

Joe Biden indirectly attacked Sarah Palin for the first time, and for a minute it almost looked like vintage "foot in mouth" Biden. Palin as you know has a child with down syndrome, and Biden said (and I am paraphrasing) "If you love special needs children so much, why not support stem-cell research?" The Republicans called this statement "a new low." I hate to admit it, but I call it a fair policy question on a relevant political issue posed to someone running for the vice-presidency. And that "lipstick on a pig" phony outrage by these republicans is so pathetic. Barack Obama went to Harvard, if he wanted a way to insult Sarah Palin he could have easily thought of something more clever than that. This fake, "Swift-boat" Republican outrage is not gonna work this time…we have had enough of that shit.

SPORTS

OK someone call National Geographic because it looks like NFL quarterbacks are becoming an endangered species. Odd considering that there are many talented veterans like Daunte Culpepper for example, who are sitting at home unemployed waiting on phone calls. Tom Brady was without a doubt the biggest casualty not only of week 1 in the NFL, but of its entire season. The AFC is wide open now which is actually gonna make this season very exciting in that conference. And someone give Vince Young a hug before he does something really stupid. Thank God he has an injury and will be off the field for a while so he can mellow out. And guys, I have said before that Jessica Simpson is the white trash redneck version of Yoko Ono, but she is not on the field, Tony Romo is, so who cares what she says? Play the game. Stop factoring in his girlfriend just because she is a famous airhead. Although I can assure you of one thing Jessica, Philly is clearly the last crowd in the world you wanna rile up. Remember these are the same fans that beat up a Santa Clause at an Eagles game during Christmas a few years ago

THIS WEEK'S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

That British shithead who hosted the MTV Video Music Awards. Could that show be any lamer? Remember when that show was cool? Remember when they (briefly) got Van Halen to reunite? When Jay-Z warmed up the crowd in a rainstorm at the Metropolitan Opera House? Howard Stern doing Fartman? Prince with the ass-less pants doing "Get Off" on a stage that resembled a bachelor party in Sodom and Gomorrah? Poison having a public meltdown on the stage. Slash giving a drunken acceptance speech for Guns n Roses because everyone else in his band was too stoned to talk? No one had to go on stage to defend those creepy "purity rings." Ironic considering that half those artists that preach abstinence will probably be leaking "stolen" sex tapes whenever they need a career boost. I miss the old days, where at least no one was a hypocrite. This is why celebrities are so hated nowadays…no one knows who the fuck half these people are or why their 1 hit song has made them so famous, and no one believes in them anymore. When I was a kid, we believed in the angst, rage and poetry of Kurt Cobain…so what if he was a suicidal junkie, that's beside the point. You know, I think I have officially given up on that show