Ok at what point do Republicans say “OK maybe next time.” I, as well as other political commentators have repeatedly made fun of the GOP candidates with little comedic exaggeration necessary, which makes them all the more frightening. At this point, if you have the intelligence of a sloth you know that there is not one GOP candidate who is not either out of touch, or just completely batshit. Even Republicans know this, and to watch moderate Republicans try and defend these candidates publicly is getting embarrassing even for them.
How is it that the attacks on Barack Obama went from the economy (which is getting a lot better) to contraception? Seriously, this is the big issue? A woman’s right- not to an abortion or to gynecological health care, but her right to decide when she wants to get pregnant? This is what they feel needs to be legislated? I’m shocked that the party who is so opposed to government intervention and so in favor of getting the government out of people’s private lives now wants to invade the most personal, private decision of all. And given the positions taken by these candidates I think any woman who votes for the GOP is insulting every woman who fought for their right to do so.
This issue is not without its rewards though…I have been inspired to actually come up with a new slogan for the Republican candidates: “The GOP: Obviously still bitter that we couldn’t get laid in high school.”
SPORTS
Usually this would be the Jeremy Lin section of the blog, but I wanna start with the Ryan Braun story. I wanted to stay away from it until the final ruling, and it looks like Braun has done the impossible: He has actually beaten the MLB drug testing policy. In a press conference today, the National League MVP spoke about how an independent arbitrator ruled that he was innocent of the doping charges that would have suspended him for the first 50 games of the season. In short, his sample was tainted because it was not immediately shipped to the lab and sat for two days. What surprises me is how Major League Baseball, in typical Republican fashion, instead of admitting it made a mistake decided to double down on stupid by saying that just because the sample sat for two days doesn’t mean that the positive result could not have been from drugs.
Uhh guys, there is a reason that YOU stipulated in the last collective bargaining agreement that samples be frozen and immediately shipped to a lab, it is because temperature can effect a urine sample, depending on what you are using it for, and if you are going to use said sample as evidence, then a chain of custody of said evidence must be established. I learned this my first month of law school, it’s not that difficult a concept.
To continue to deny Braun enjoyment of his MVP award and to question his integrity instead of that of the test and the sample makes you look like the out of touch idiots who decided to call a tie in an All Star game.
For those “Law & Order” fans who think that everyone can sue for anything, let’s slow down for a second. Libel and Slander have certain criteria that unfortunately have not been met in this case. Yes MLB acted like assholes, but that does not necessarily make them civilly liable for damages; Damages which at this point probably amount to not being invited to cut the ribbon at the annual Bear County Tractor Pull. Unless he can prove actual damages, he is out of gas. ESPN is also not guilty of anything either, given that they didn’t report any falsehoods. They never said Braun was a dirty player or that he cheated, just that he tested positive, which he did. That the test itself was flawed is another matter. They did report that too by the way.
As for my new man-crush Jeremy Lin, Knicks fans, let’s not panic. In 10 starts, his game against Miami just happened to be his worst. That doesn’t mean doom for New York, just one bad game against a really good team. And let’s not blame this all on him, this guy went from reading cartoons on the far side of the bench to starting and playing major minutes, he is a bit tired.
Baron Davis went 0 for 7 and no one is calling out his demise right? Let’s keep Lin-ing and let the kid grow before he turns into Rod Strickland or Mark Jackson, great point guards lost by the Knicks because they were not given time to grow.
I really am looking forward to Lin participating in NBAAll Star weekend, and at the half way point of this shortened season, I really think the Knicks are gonna be a tough out in the playoffs.
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
Super PACs. Looks like every GOP candidate has a sugar daddy that will buy them the election, thanks to the Supreme Court.
But one positive note, just in case you need another reason to worship Bill Maher, he just donated $1 million to Barack Obama’s Super PAC. Hey, don’t get mad at Obama for playing the game that the conservative Supreme Court said he could play.
Of course it is time to discuss all things Jeremy Lin…how could it not be?
Just when you thought the New York Giants winning the Super Bowl would linger all throughout another dismal sports winter in New York, the biggest sports story in the country is the Knicks starting point guard, who two weeks ago was the 12th guy off the bench and sleeping on his brother’s couch. Well those days are behind him, I’d say. In just two weeks he has gone from that humble existence to getting his contract guaranteed for the rest of the year, being the first Asian-American to start an NBA game, breaking the all-time scoring record for first 5 games started, (a list that includes Allen Iverson, Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins and Shaqille O’Neal), guiding his team to a 7 game winning streak without their star player, becoming the NBA player of the week, selling out both his licensed AND counterfeit merchandise in only ten days, and, most importantly, staying at Trump Tower. I know I’ve never had a week like that.
Seriously, when was the last time anyone ever gave a shit about the New York Knicks? Wasn’t there a small screen on the corner showing the LAPD chasing a suicidal OJ Simpson down a highway?
Needless to say, the Jeremy Lin story has captivated so many people because he is playing in the greatest city in the world, you can’t possibly buy that publicity. And yes it was only a matter of time before someone brought up his race, so thank you “Asshole of the Week” Floyd Mayweather.
But there is much more to this kid than just his race. I love the fact that he went to Harvard, and let’s not forget, the last time an Ivy League player started for the Knicks they won two championships (That’s Princeton alum and NBA Hall of Famer Bill Bradley in case you are a recent jumper on the Knicks bandwagon and didn’t know). I love the fact that he is an NBA player who actually went to class when he was in college, not some “one and done” kid who is an illiterate millionaire because he has been pushed along and exploited by the hangers on around him. He gives great interviews, he is articulate and maybe not Charles Barkley quotable yet, but he can be.
Given how they have played since he has been starting and all the hype surrounding him, Lin has pretty much saved Mike D’Antoni’s job. And one more thing, Knicks fans need to calm down about Carmelo Anthony coming back and possibly hurting the chemistry this team has developed. Carmelo is not and has never been the personality cancer that Kobe Bryant is, and I have it from a good source that it was actually Carmelo who campaigned for Lin to get more playing time, driving D’Antoni nuts until he finally agreed. Seriously, only Knick fans can think that having one of the best players in the NBA back on your team would actually be a detriment.
As far as adding him to the pool of NBA rising stars selected to play in the rookie-sophmore challenge during NBAAll-Star weekend, one question…is there a bigger rising star in the NBA right now? If you know who last year’s number 1 NBA Draft pick was raise your hand…still waiting…yeah, I didn’t think so. (Hint: He is playing in Cleveland, yeah they still have a team. Kyrie Irving)
And here is one more reason to go LIN-sane. Right now the greedy assholes at MSG Network are engaged in a feud over money with the even greedier ass-rapists at Time Warner Cable. This could not come at a worse time for Knicks fans who have TWC and cannot get MSG. MSG stock prices have risen dramatically, as have Knicks ticket prices on Stub Hub.
And to think, all because the Knicks signed a fat, injured Baron Davis and a fragile Tony Douglas, who will be gone so fast when he gets healthy that his ass won’t even be able to say good bye to his shorts. Last year I remember writing that the additions the Knicks made would make them interesting to watch. Now, they have not only become fun to watch as well, but they can actually win.
“You don’t understand…Isiah Thomas took my childhood, now I finally have hope.”
- Anonymous Knicks fan
And on a sad note, RIP to MLB Hall of Famer Gary Carter. He was always quotable, and was the backbone of that talented, insane, and incredibly entertaining 1986 New York Mets team that won it all.
ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK
Floyd Mayweather, I know you have a bad history with Asians, considering you have been shamelessly ducking Manny Paquiao. By the way, offering Paquiao peanuts to fight you then calling him a coward when he refuses such a bad deal, is pathetic for even you, and an insult to boxing and its fans. If you are that confident you can beat him, why all the terms? He has pretty much done everything you asked for and is willing to take any drug tests on your terms and now you wanna take his money too?
No one will ever call you the greatest fighter in the world just because you are undefeated. Sugar Ray Robinson has 19 losses, 6 draws, and is still considered the greatest pound for pound fighter of all time. Muhammad Ali has 5 losses and Rocky Marciano is undefeated, no one with a brain thinks Marciano was better than Ali. Anyway getting back to your stupid comment that Jeremy Lin; if you really think he is only getting props because he is Asian, why don’t you check a record book first and maybe you will realize that he has actually outdone every NBA player in his first 5 games, regardless of race.
Even Spike Lee, who loves to make everything about race, told Maywether to step off about Lin, so what does that tell you?
I just noticed something. Organized religions, the same winners whose ignorance, hypocrisy, anti-intellectualism, greed and conflicts within themselves and against each other have killed millions, all seem to agree on one thing…God Hates Fags!And he hates them in California even more. This Prop 8 is going to be one interesting legal battle, one that may very well go to the US Supreme Court. I really want to see how the higher courts can possibly justify telling two consenting adults who they can and cannot marry.
Who would have thought the Rick Santorum would be this month’s flavor of the month in the GOP Primary? After winning 3 states in a sweep of Tuesday’s contests, he reminded robot Mitt Romney and megalomaniac Newt Gingrich that he is here to stay. After Gingrich suggested that he drop out, Santorum responded by calling him “arrogant” for suggesting it and has proven that he is a viable candidate after winning in Minnesota Missouri andColorado. I really am enjoying watching these assholes race to be the one to lose to Obama in 2012.
SPORTS
As I correctly predicted last week, the New York Giants have won their 4thSuper Bowl. What was shocking to me isn’t that the Giants won, but that Tom Brady’s wife Gisele was both a supermodel and an NFL analyst. She was caught on tape pretty much berating Brady’s team mates for dropping some key passes that cost them the game. Someone should remind her that a game should never be won or lost on one play. Now, let’s not be so short-sighted on this, sure she is a fan of her husband and has the right to say what she wants, but she is no ordinary fan, she is Tom Brady’s wife, and has to be careful about cameras recording everything she says.
Remember, her husband has to work with these guys next season, she doesn’t. Look, I don’t seek out Gisele Bundchen for my football analysis anymore than I seek out Coach Mike Ditka when I want to see a hot body in underwear, so let’s everyone get back to their assigned seats before the Universe starts to melt.
The New England Patriots didn’t lose the game, The New York Giants won the game. The Giants were the better team, deal with it.
And then there is the question of who is the ELIte quarterback now? Look I don’t know if Eli Manning’s entire career is Hall of Fame worthy just yet, but let’s at least let him get up off the kiddie table. He has two Super Bowl rings, and two Super Bowl MVPs in 4 seasons, he has engineered more 4th quarter comebacks this season than anyone and took a 9-7 team to a Championship win. His critics are pointing out his ONE disappointing season in 2008-2009 where he threw a lot of interceptions, as somehow a bar to the Hall. By that logic, Troy Aikman should be judged solely by his 1-15 season with the Cowboys before he lead them to 3 Super Bowl wins. Will he be a four time MVP like his big brother Payton? Probably not, but who the hell will be? He is a great quarterback, let’s let him have a career before we decide to put it in perspective.
Hey Knick fans, that Asian kid who graduated from Harvard isn’t here to teach Astronomy, he can actually play. I can’t believe those assholes at MSG Network and Time Warner Cable are preventing Knick fans from seeing someone who really is worth rooting for, Jeremy Lin. In three games he has scored over 20 points and has led the team to three victories. He only got to play due to injuries, so no one expected too much from him, but this kid has one thing you can’t measure - heart. On a team with over paid players who won’t defend, Jeremy Lin has lit a fire under these guys and has been a joy to watch in an otherwise disappointing season for the Knicks.
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
And speaking of NBA Disappointments, Kris Humphries…get it together dude. For some inexplicable reason, Humphries is getting booed every time he touches the ball. Why? What did he do? If anything he was a pawn in all this reality TV crap force fed on us by that hag Kris Kardashian pimping out her family. He can take the high road and keep his divorce quiet, separating himself from these talent-less, fame obsessed nitwits. Unlike his ex-wife, Humphries can actually do something…he can rebound! Kim Kardashian can’t rebound, unless we are talking about her ability to move on to the next relationship with a famous athlete. So Humph…do us all a favor, DO NOT put your divorce on reality TV. Dude, be a man, be better than the people who suckered you into putting your life on TV to begin with.
After his big win in Florida, it looks like Mitt Romney will be the GOP presidential nominee; which is all the more reason to vote for Barack Obama. Even after you compare policy, past record and politics, make one more comparison. Youtube Obama doing Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together,” then do the same for Romney butchering “America the Beautiful,” a song which he didn’t even know the title to, by the way. All I kept thinking while I was watching Romney was “Could he be any whiter?” Look, it’s not even about singing, but it is a historical fact that Americans just prefer a President that doesn’t look like a complete ass when he tries to do something other than politics.
Think about it, why did we love JFK? He knew how to bang hot chicks and keep it quiet, but he was also a great sailor, author and all around athlete even while he was president and had Addison’s disease. Contrast that with Gerald Ford, who even though he was a great college football player, will mostly be remembered for tripping and falling down on camera. Why did Michael Dukakis lose in 1988? Remember that stupid picture of him in the tank? Contrast that to Bill Clinton who won the election the minute he played the saxophone on the Arsenio Hall show.
You see Obama and you see a guy who is just cool. Romney comes off as an out of touch rich white guy singing a 100 year old song no one knows.
SPORTS
At 9-7 The New York Giants were no doubt one of the weakest teams on paper to make the playoffs. When a team that has been noted historically for its defense was ranked 23rd this year, you wonder how they even made it in the first place. Let me tell you why the Giants beat the much favored Green Bay Packers; Momentum. The Giants are the greatest momentum team in the NFL, and they hit their stride at the best time, when it mattered.
Now this unlikely team has somehow managed to make it to the Super Bowl. Will they win? Yes, and here’s why. Both teams have weak defenses this year, but, the Giants still have individual superstars on defense and they will step up now that they are all healthy.New England
doesn’t have that the way the Giants do. In short the Giants great defensive players are better than the Patriots’ great defensive players.
The Patriots have the advantage as far as tight ends, whether Gronkowski plays or not. The Giants have the advantage at both receiver and running back. Victor Cruz is on a roll and will not be nervous in the big game, and I have no idea who the fuck catches long 3rd down passes for New England…oh wait…I have just been informed of a Chad Ochocinco sighting!
Ahh yes, and then there is the Quarterback position. Eli Manning was asked at the beginning of the season if he thought he was an “Elite” quarterback, to which he responded “yes.” Ok and just what the fuck were you expecting him to say? Was he supposed to be falsely humble? He is supposed to answer unfair questions with confidence, and I’m glad he did. Considering that he is one of only six active quarterbacks to win a Super Bowl and one of only three to appear in more than one, I would say that elevates his status.
Yes Tom Brady is Tom Brady, but he is beatable. And remember, those three Super Bowls were won by about 9 points combined, and they last won 8 years ago, so let’s not over rate the already over rated.
I think it’s going to be a great game, but no one plays on a streak better than the Giants.
PEOPLE WHO DROPPED DEAD
RIP to a true musical pioneer, Don Cornelius. Don wasn’t a musician, but he did start the only dance program on television to feature predominantly black music and black dancers. Kinda like “American Bandstand” but without the county music and subliminal racism. So why is everyone calling Don Cornelius a pioneer? When the great James Brown first appeared on the show, one of the first questions he asked was “Brother Don, who else is with you on this?” What this meant was “who is the white guy actually backing you?” The truth is Cornelius owned all the rights to his show, and wasn’t getting any help from anyone, white or otherwise. This was unheard of in the black community at the time. When Brown asked the same question again a few minutes later, Don politely replied, “No one is with me James, it’s just me.” Even after the third time he asked, the answer was still the same.
It was sad to hear that Don apparently died of a self inflicted gun shot wound. I guess you can only hear the garbage that is pop music today for so long before you finally snap and inflict a gunshot wound on yourself.
And in other dead folk news, When a young Cassius Clay fought Sonny Liston for the championship, Liston, unable to beat the better younger fighter, put a foreign substance on his gloves that got into Clay’s eyes and temporarily blinded him. When Ali wanted to quit, it was his level-headed trainer who said not to worry, the blindness was only temporary, now get back out there. When Clay asked what he should do, his trainer just said “Run!” The rest is history as Muhammad Ali went on to have one of the greatest careers in boxing history, not to mention become the most recognizable athlete of our generation.
That trainer would be with Ali for every one of his fights, and also train champions like Sugar Ray Leonard, and George Foreman. His name was Angelo Dundee. Rest in Peace.
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILLUS
I have no idea who the fuck Nicki Minaj is, and I’m glad I don’t. My friend Chris turned me on to this garbage with the disclaimer that he believes the world will now come to an end.
Is there any more delightful chaotic mess than the Republican Party right now? I picture one of those all-star cast disaster movies of the 1970’s. The first Steve McQueen worthy disaster is Iowa. After spending months and millions of dollars courting Iowa voters, after making that same empty promise to corn farmers that they feel their pain, the GOP couldn’t even get the caucus right. As it turns out Rick Santorum won in Iowa and not Mitt Romney, it just took a while to actually count the votes. Now, we all know that the GOP is hostile towards anything intellectual, but how do you fuck up counting? 1, 2, 3 then 4, right? Now you may see Republicans dismissing this as a minor mistake, but I assure you it is not. Iowa has decided the fate of many Presidential hopefuls, as it is the first state to vote, and whoever wins it, or in this case, appears to win it, gains an incredible amount of momentum. Believe me, the GOP has not been this embarrassed since Karl Rove ended up on YouTube trying to rap.
Today also saw the end of Rick Perry’s campaign, and his subsequent endorsement of Newt Gingrich, a man who is obviously a lot more liberal than he lets on. In an interview to be released this week, Newt’s ex-wife revealed that Newt wanted an “open marriage.” What a hippie! Seriously am I the only one totally grossed out at the fact that there are women out there that find Newt so irresistible that he feels the need to ask for an open marriage?
I predict the winner in South Carolina to be Stephen Colbert.
SPORTS
I’m usually talking about football this time of year, but I really have to address some moves the Yankees made earlier this week. Trading hitting for pitching is usually a safe bet, but I really liked Jesus Montero, so much so I even wrote about him when he was in the minors. There is no question that the Yankees need starting pitching, the question is whether or not Michael Pineda is the answer. Yes he had a losing record and a bit of a high ERA, but the guy is about 6’ 6” tall, only 23 years old, has good stuff and played for a team with limited offense. Let me give you an image…picture the Yankees hitting for this guy about 50% less than they did for AJ Burnett last year and Pineda actually not tanking it? Pretty cool huh? And given his height along with CC Sabathia’s, I think they could give the Knicks a hand in the front court should things get rough.
As for football, I was stunned by the New York Giants beating the Green Bay Packers. I really thought that the Packers were going to the Super Bowl the way they seemed to roll over teams this year. The Giants when they are on a streak are a tough out, and now their streak just happens to be at the right time, during the playoffs.
Yes I did say that Peyton Manning should retire, but since when does Rob Lowe have insight that we don’t? Shouldn’t he be videotaping himself with some under-aged chicks?
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
Uhh…have we really become the country that offers sex for ChickenMcNuggets? In the “this is way too fucked not to be true” category, a woman in LA stood outside her local Mickey D’s drive-thru and told a number of male customers that she would blow them if they bought her an order of Chicken McNuggets, the 20 piece of course, what do you think she is, cheap? Unfortunately for Khadijah Baseer, she did not succeed in her bartering venture, but did manage a misdemeanor solicitation charge. Man, talk about “What You Crave.” Oh wait…that’s White Castle right?
Sorry I’m late but I am mourning the loss of Michelle Bachmann, who has dropped out of the Republican Primary. I had at least six more months of moron jokes directed at this brain tumor, not to mention the ones she writes herself every time she opens her mouth. I, as all satirists, will miss her greatly. I’m serious, this really is a huge loss, kinda like when Luca Brasi was killed in “The Godfather.” Yeah that’s it; Michelle Bachmann is the "Luca Brasi" of morons.
One other thing that caught my eye this week was the nearly half trillion dollar cut to the defense budget. Leon Panetta made the indirect announcement that the strategy of having a military so big as to be able to fight two wars at the same time is no longer the policy of the United States. Sounds dangerous until you realize that we will still be spending more on defense than the next 16 countries combined, and we are light years ahead of any nation in the world in so far as military technology goes.
And how about that Rick Santorum huh? Coming out of nowhere to take second in Iowa. He is a bit of a moderate actually, so it was odd to see a measured decision coming from yahoos. And to further stir the pot, I had no idea I was so popular in Boston, especially since I’m a Yankee fan. After winning the JB Random Report Politician of the Year for 2011, it looks like The Boston Globe has endorsed Jon Huntsman in the Republican Primary. Well I agree he certainly is the best candidate running on their side, at least he is sane, which was a luxury until Cain and Bachmann dropped out. Ron Paul is still a maniac, but the crazy certainly seems to be taking a backseat now that the election is actually getting closer.
SPORTS
The New York sports media are so adorable aren't they? So last week I was so into the JB Random Report End of the Year Awards that I didn’t address the really delusional headline that somehow Payton Manning would end up on the New York Jets and Mark Sanchez would just gracefully hand over the starting role and be a back-up. In a related story, Keith Richards called me last weekend and asked me to replace Ron Wood on the next Rolling Stones tour, Ronnie just isn’t pulling his weight anymore.
Seriously why are these people so insane? Peyton Manning will either retire, with the Indianapolis Colts, which is probably what he should do after three neck surgeries, he will play for the Indianapolis Colts with Andrew Luck breathing down his neck, or he will play for another team, not the New York Jets. Jet fans, don’t let the evil media do this to you. Now I know why Sarah Palin is so scared of newspapers.
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
At this point can you call the INS anything but incompetent? Apparently they are so desperate to deport anyone they can that they even deported a teenage runaway to Colombia without investigating to see whether or not she was actually American. Jakadrien Turner ran away from home a year ago, and somehow conned the geniuses at INS into believing that she was a Colombian national here illegally. She is back home and needless to say, her family has questioned why U.S. officials didn't do more to verify her identity. US immigration officials insist they followed procedure and found nothing to indicate that the girl wasn't — as she claimed — a woman from Colombia illegally living in the US. Really? How about asking her to speak Spanish? Or asking her what the capital of Colombia is?
QUOTE OF THE YEAR – When 2011 has blessed me with the eloquent genius that is Michelle Bachmann, how could I possibly choose just one quote, when this woman is clearly the gift that keeps on giving? Now you may ask, “what makes these quotes so special?” And you would be right; had they come from a babbling idiot on a soap box no one would care. But these gems are coming from someone who was actually elected to public office, and is currently running for President of the United States. Her candidacy alone, and the fact that it gained enough steam nationally to catch our attention is more than enough to illustrate the decline of America as an intellectual world power. Just imagine a President, someone who would occupy the office held by Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy, Franklin D Roosevelt, instead of the Gettysburg Address or Kennedy’s famed inaugural speech, giving us these classics:
"But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly -- men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country." - Not to give a history lesson but, the Founding Fathers did not work to end slavery, in fact, many of them actually owned slaves, and John Quincy Adams was not one of the Founding Fathers.
"Before we get started, let's all say 'Happy Birthday' to Elvis Presley today." - South Carolina on what was actually the anniversary of Elvis'sdeath, Aug. 16, 2011 (Elvis was born on January 8)
"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence." – Speaking on the 1976 Swine Flu outbreak that happened when Gerald Ford, a Republican, was president.
"Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas."
"If we took away the minimum wage -- if conceivably it was gone -- we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level."
I’m really gonna miss her when her 15 minutes are up.
TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “Homeland” This show kept me waiting to see what happens next for the entire season, not many shows can say that. Not to mention a very satisfying season finale with a really good cliffhanger.
NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – Well I have to admit this was quite the year for news junkies. I really can’t pick just one. The killing of Osama Bin Laden, the end of the Iraq war, or maybe Occupy Wall Street just because it started with no real leadership, no direction and yet refused to go away. This is a movement that gained momentum purely on the fact that people were mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore. Now it’s a bit of a different story. Although still very slow moving for a movement, there are now offices, yeah real offices, not a tent in a park, that are being used to do the business of protesting that which people have for too long just decided to put up with. OWS or the OWLS as I like to call them, proved that these banks may be too big to fail, but they are certainly not too big to fight.
They have been quiet for the past few weeks, so I am hoping that the movement is not losing momentum. Incidentally, Time Magazine voted the Protester, whether its Occupy Wall Street or the Arab Spring, as their “Person of the year.” Since I did go down to OWS, this makes it the third time I have won this prestigious award; Once as the American Solider in 2003, then in 2006 as just “Me,” something about the information age, and now in 2011. Not even Josef Stalin can claim that!
MOTHER OF THE YEAR – In a year that gave us Casey Anthony, can it really be anyone else?
BOOK OF THE YEAR (Non- Fiction) – I mostly caught up on classics and books I had not read published years ago, so there is nothing in this category.
BOOK OF THE YEAR (Fiction) – Shit…I just realized I didn’t read any current fiction this year either…sorry!
ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Look, any moron that says something stupid could in theory, be considered for this award, but I like to give it to someone who actually did some damage, not just opened their stupid mouths. That’s why I refuse to pick on harmless buffoons like Kim Kardashian or Charlie Sheen. I thought about giving this award to Donald Trump for his birther stance against Barack Obama, for his farcical flirtations with running for the Republican nomination, not to mention his spray tan and combover. But he is actually doing humanity a favor by unwittingly exposing the Republican candidates for the inept incompetent clowns that they are. Ah what the Hell, I’ll give it to him anyway…
POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – Pretty much anyone on the Republican ticket that isn’t a complete maniac. This can only lead to one name, and that is Jon Huntsman. I’m almost afraid to write about this guy because I don’t want him to get too famous. The more famous he gets the more he is noticed by smart people and might actually win the GOP primary election. I award him simply for keeping a straight face during the debates.
FELONY CONVICTION OF THE YEAR – Former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant, House Majority Leader and current ankle bracelet wearer, Tom DeLay was sentenced to three years in prison on money-laundering and conspiracy charges. Although currently out on bail pending appeal, isn’t it only fitting that a man once nicknamed "The Hammer" will eventually be getting just that, and a little extra, by two cellmates named Bubba and Raul?
An honorable mention goes out to Michael Jackson’s personal pharmacist, Dr. Conrad Murray who learned the hard way that you cannot kill a white woman in LA unless you played for USC and your name is OJ.
MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “ In Paris” When I first saw this film I thought that had it not been for Owen Wilson’s annoying presence, this would be Woody Allen’s best film since “Annie Hall.” Everyone thought I was nuts and maybe I over reached just a bit, but this has been Woody Allen’s highest grossing movie ever, and he has made some great films in the past 40 years. Do I let him baby sit? Hell fucking no! But he is a true American artist. Of course they were probably better films this year, most of them clustered together now right before the year ends so that they may be remembered at Oscar time, but I liked this one.
ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR - I hate to state the obvious but it has to be George Clooney for “The Ides of March” and The Descendants.” In a year where I managed to see a few movies, those two were great.
COOLEST MOVIE WITH NO OVERLY FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT – Submarine. Sometimes a quirky movie just sneaks up on you. I can’t even remember why I even snuck in to see this one, but once I sat and started watching it, I couldn’t break away. Maybe I’m just missing Wes Anderson, but I kinda liked this movie.
DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR – Color Me Obsessed. For those of you who have not seen this film, and given by the amount of hits on its facebook page, that would be pretty much the entire population except me and the filmmakers, this is a film about one of the greatest and most underrated American bands ever, The Replacements. I don’t really know if this is a good documentary or not because I am so into the subject matter that the film making became secondary.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR – So Beautiful or So What / Paul Simon. In an era that is without a doubt the worst in popular music history, where musically irrelevant drivel dominates the pop charts, it was refreshing to see someone over the legal drinking age actually make great music that also sold pretty well.
COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT – “Walk” / The Foo Fighters
COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Endtapes”/ The Joy Formidable. Why are shitty movies and ironically enough, TV commercials using the best, most non-commercial music?
COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR – Foster The People.
SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The Dallas Mavericks. I wanted to pick the St. Louis Cardinals for winning a World Series after getting in on a Wild Card. For the years they have been so loved by a city and have exemplified the best there is in a sports team.
But the Dallas Mavericks have been through a great deal of adversity if you can believe that a team owned by a quirky billionaire can. They were pretty much denied a championship in 2006 due to a series of horrible calls, they came close so many times this past decade, and were doormats until Mark Cuban bought the team. Since then he has made both good draft choices and good trades and has built this team into a contender with a loyal fan base, something that Donald Sterling, owner of the LA Clippers can learn a lot from. Their championship was well deserved, regardless of what you think of the flakiness of Mark Cuban.
ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Aaron Rodgers, Quarterback, Green Bay Packers. This is tough because wisdom tells you it could also go to Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers. But trust me I am not just giving out awards based on the current calendar. In this calendar year, his team won a Super Bowl, has lost only one game, and until getting surprised by Kansas City, they were on their way to a perfect season, pretty much dismantling teams by double digits. The motto of the Packers is “next man up” which means that injuries are something they deal with by having a deep roster and everyone on it is expected to produce. This would be impossible unless someone steady were at the helm, and there is no more important piece of a football team than the quarterback, just ask the Indianapolis Colts.
OVER-RATED ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Mark Sanchez, Quarterback New York Jets. Look, I actually have nothing against Mark Sanchez, and I’m glad he is playing in New York and I hope he does well, but let’s be honest, now is not the time to anoint him as the second coming. In order to be a star quarterback, you have to play above just managing the game. The Jets have had the highest scoring defense for the past two seasons and they made it to their conference championship game two years in a row. This year, the defense ranks 21st in scoring and the team is currently 8-7 and might miss the playoffs altogether. That has to tell you something. Sanchez is a serviceable quarterback who can manage a game, but he is not Joe Willie Namath just yet, so let’s save the GQ covers for when he actually wins something.
BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE – Speaking of Indianapolis quarterbacks, man this is gonna be a tough one because the man can still play and I am convinced that he will play in 2012, but Payton Manning will not play at the level he once did, his team will make no significant personnel changes next season, and that team is exposed as a horrible team without him, so there is no possible way he will be who he was before his neck injury. They will absolutely draft Andrew Luck with the 1st pick in the NFL Draft next year, so why prolong the obvious? Why create a Brett Favre/Aaron Rodgers or Joe Montana/Steve Young situation when you don’t have to? Manning has done so much in his career, he really has nothing left to prove, which means he thinks he still has something left to prove. I don’t think I wanna watch him next year because I’d like to remember him as great as he was before his injury.
RACIST OF THE YEAR – Maybe there were worse comments, made by worse people, but I would like to give this award to Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter for her “Our blacks are better than their blacks,” quote. You shithead
DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – For no reason other than the impact his death could have on the international community, particularly in Asia, this award could have gone to tyrannical, delusional, little runt Kim Jong Il of North Korea. Important considering that right after news of his death Michelle Bachmann called for the closing of our embassy in North Korea.
Osama Bin Laden might be a good choice, but no one is really mourning the loss of that asshole right?
This year’s award has to go to someone who truly changed our lives, and in ways that we take for granted. That man is Steve Jobs.
Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!
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