The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2011

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – When 2011 has blessed me with the eloquent genius that is Michelle Bachmann, how could I possibly choose just one quote, when this woman is clearly the gift that keeps on giving? Now you may ask, “what makes these quotes so special?” And you would be right; had they come from a babbling idiot on a soap box no one would care. But these gems are coming from someone who was actually elected to public office, and is currently running for President of the United States. Her candidacy alone, and the fact that it gained enough steam nationally to catch our attention is more than enough to illustrate the decline of America as an intellectual world power. Just imagine a President, someone who would occupy the office held by Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy, Franklin D Roosevelt, instead of the Gettysburg Address or Kennedy’s famed inaugural speech, giving us these classics: 

"But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly -- men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country." - Not to give a history lesson but, the Founding Fathers did not work to end slavery, in fact, many of them actually owned slaves, and John Quincy Adams was not one of the Founding Fathers.

"Before we get started, let's all say 'Happy Birthday' to Elvis Presley today." - South Carolina on what was actually the anniversary of Elvis's death, Aug. 16, 2011 (Elvis was born on January 8)

"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence." – Speaking on the 1976 Swine Flu outbreak that happened when Gerald Ford, a Republican, was president.

"Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas."

"If we took away the minimum wage -- if conceivably it was gone -- we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level."

I’m really gonna miss her when her 15 minutes are up.

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “Homeland” This show kept me waiting to see what happens next for the entire season, not many shows can say that. Not to mention a very satisfying season finale with a really good cliffhanger.

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – Well I have to admit this was quite the year for news junkies. I really can’t pick just one. The killing of Osama Bin Laden, the end of the Iraq war, or maybe Occupy Wall Street just because it started with no real leadership, no direction and yet refused to go away. This is a movement that gained momentum purely on the fact that people were mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore. Now it’s a bit of a different story. Although still very slow moving for a movement, there are now offices, yeah real offices, not a tent in a park, that are being used to do the business of protesting that which people have for too long just decided to put up with. OWS or the OWLS as I like to call them, proved that these banks may be too big to fail, but they are certainly not too big to fight.

They have been quiet for the past few weeks, so I am hoping that the movement is not losing momentum. Incidentally, Time Magazine voted the Protester, whether its Occupy Wall Street or the Arab Spring, as their “Person of the year.” Since I did go down to OWS, this makes it the third time I have won this prestigious award; Once as the American Solider in 2003, then in 2006 as just “Me,” something about the information age, and now in 2011. Not even Josef Stalin can claim that!

MOTHER OF THE YEAR – In a year that gave us Casey Anthony, can it really be anyone else?

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Non- Fiction) – I mostly caught up on classics and books I had not read published years ago, so there is nothing in this category.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Fiction) –  Shit…I just realized I didn’t read any current fiction this year either…sorry!

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Look, any moron that says something stupid could in theory, be considered for this award, but I like to give it to someone who actually did some damage, not just opened their stupid mouths. That’s why I refuse to pick on harmless buffoons like Kim Kardashian or Charlie Sheen. I thought about giving this award to Donald Trump for his birther stance against Barack Obama, for his farcical flirtations with running for the Republican nomination, not to mention his spray tan and combover. But he is actually doing humanity a favor by unwittingly exposing the Republican candidates for the inept incompetent clowns that they are. Ah what the Hell, I’ll give it to him anyway…

POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – Pretty much anyone on the Republican ticket that isn’t a complete maniac. This can only lead to one name, and that is Jon Huntsman. I’m almost afraid to write about this guy because I don’t want him to get too famous. The more famous he gets the more he is noticed by smart people and might actually win the GOP primary election. I award him simply for keeping a straight face during the debates.

FELONY CONVICTION OF THE YEAR – Former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant, House Majority Leader and current ankle bracelet wearer, Tom DeLay was sentenced to three years in prison on money-laundering and conspiracy charges. Although currently out on bail pending appeal, isn’t it only fitting that a man once nicknamed "The Hammer" will eventually be getting just that, and a little extra, by two cellmates named Bubba and Raul?

An honorable mention goes out to Michael Jackson’s personal pharmacist, Dr. Conrad Murray who learned the hard way that you cannot kill a white woman in LA unless you played for USC and your name is OJ.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Midnight In Paris” When I first saw this film I thought that had it not been for Owen Wilson’s annoying presence, this would be Woody Allen’s best film since “Annie Hall.” Everyone thought I was nuts and maybe I over reached just a bit, but this has been Woody Allen’s highest grossing movie ever, and he has made some great films in the past 40 years. Do I let him baby sit? Hell fucking no! But he is a true American artist. Of course they were probably better films this year, most of them clustered together now right before the year ends so that they may be remembered at Oscar time, but I liked this one.

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR - I hate to state the obvious but it has to be George Clooney for “The Ides of March” and The Descendants.” In a year where I managed to see a few movies, those two were great. 

COOLEST MOVIE WITH NO OVERLY FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT – Submarine. Sometimes a quirky movie just sneaks up on you. I can’t even remember why I even snuck in to see this one, but once I sat and started watching it, I couldn’t break away. Maybe I’m just missing Wes Anderson, but I kinda liked this movie.  

DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR – Color Me Obsessed. For those of you who have not seen this film, and given by the amount of hits on its facebook page, that would be pretty much the entire population except me and the filmmakers, this is a film about one of the greatest and most underrated American bands ever, The Replacements. I don’t really know if this is a good documentary or not because I am so into the subject matter that the film making became secondary.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – So Beautiful or So What / Paul Simon. In an era that is without a doubt the worst in popular music history, where musically irrelevant drivel dominates the pop charts, it was refreshing to see someone over the legal drinking age actually make great music that also sold pretty well.  

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT – “Walk” / The Foo Fighters

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Endtapes”/ The Joy Formidable. Why are shitty movies and ironically enough, TV commercials using the best, most non-commercial music?

COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR –  Foster The People.

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The Dallas Mavericks. I wanted to pick the St. Louis Cardinals for winning a World Series after getting in on a Wild Card. For the years they have been so loved by a city and have exemplified the best there is in a sports team.

But the Dallas Mavericks have been through a great deal of adversity if you can believe that a team owned by a quirky billionaire can. They were pretty much denied a championship in 2006 due to a series of horrible calls, they came close so many times this past decade, and were doormats until Mark Cuban bought the team. Since then he has made both good draft choices and good trades and has built this team into a contender with a loyal fan base, something that Donald Sterling, owner of the LA Clippers can learn a lot from. Their championship was well deserved, regardless of what you think of the flakiness of Mark Cuban.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR –  Aaron Rodgers, Quarterback, Green Bay Packers. This is tough because wisdom tells you it could also go to Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers. But trust me I am not just giving out awards based on the current calendar. In this calendar year, his team won a Super Bowl, has lost only one game, and until getting surprised by Kansas City, they were on their way to a perfect season, pretty much dismantling teams by double digits. The motto of the Packers is “next man up” which means that injuries are something they deal with by having a deep roster and everyone on it is expected to produce. This would be impossible unless someone steady were at the helm, and there is no more important piece of a football team than the quarterback, just ask the Indianapolis Colts.

OVER-RATED ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Mark Sanchez, Quarterback New York Jets. Look, I actually have nothing against Mark Sanchez, and I’m glad he is playing in New York and I hope he does well, but let’s be honest, now is not the time to anoint him as the second coming. In order to be a star quarterback, you have to play above just managing the game. The Jets have had the highest scoring defense for the past two seasons and they made it to their conference championship game two years in a row. This year, the defense ranks 21^st in scoring and the team is currently 8-7 and might miss the playoffs altogether. That has to tell you something. Sanchez is a serviceable quarterback who can manage a game, but he is not Joe Willie Namath just yet, so let’s save the GQ covers for when he actually wins something.

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE –  Speaking of Indianapolis quarterbacks, man this is gonna be a tough one because the man can still play and I am convinced that he will play in 2012, but Payton Manning will not play at the level he once did, his team will make no significant personnel changes next season, and that team is exposed as a horrible team without him, so there is no possible way he will be who he was before his neck injury. They will absolutely draft Andrew Luck with the 1^st pick in the NFL Draft next year, so why prolong the obvious? Why create a Brett Favre/Aaron Rodgers or Joe Montana/Steve Young situation when you don’t have to? Manning has done so much in his career, he really has nothing left to prove, which means he thinks he still has something left to prove. I don’t think I wanna watch him next year because I’d like to remember him as great as he was before his injury.

RACIST OF THE YEAR – Maybe there were worse comments, made by worse people, but I would like to give this award to Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter for her “Our blacks are better than their blacks,” quote. You shithead

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – For no reason other than the impact his death could have on the international community, particularly in Asia, this award could have gone to tyrannical, delusional, little runt Kim Jong Il of North Korea. Important considering that right after news of his death Michelle Bachmann called for the closing of our embassy in North Korea.

Osama Bin Laden might be a good choice, but no one is really mourning the loss of that asshole right?

This year’s award has to go to someone who truly changed our lives, and in ways that we take for granted. That man is Steve Jobs.

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!