And Then There Were...How Many? 1/6/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Sorry I’m late but I am mourning the loss of Michelle Bachmann, who has dropped out of the Republican Primary. I had at least six more months of moron jokes directed at this brain tumor, not to mention the ones she writes herself every time she opens her mouth. I, as all satirists, will miss her greatly. I’m serious, this really is a huge loss, kinda like when Luca Brasi was killed in “The Godfather.” Yeah that’s it; Michelle Bachmann is the "Luca Brasi" of morons.

One other thing that caught my eye this week was the nearly half trillion dollar cut to the defense budget. Leon Panetta made the indirect announcement that the strategy of having a military so big as to be able to fight two wars at the same time is no longer the policy of the United States. Sounds dangerous until you realize that we will still be spending more on defense than the next 16 countries combined, and we are light years ahead of any nation in the world in so far as military technology goes.  

And how about that Rick Santorum huh? Coming out of nowhere to take second in Iowa. He is a bit of a moderate actually, so it was odd to see a measured decision coming from yahoos. And to further stir the pot, I had no idea I was so popular in Boston, especially since I’m a Yankee fan. After winning the JB Random Report Politician of the Year for 2011, it looks like The Boston Globe has endorsed Jon Huntsman in the Republican Primary. Well I agree he certainly is the best candidate running on their side, at least he is sane, which was a luxury until Cain and Bachmann dropped out. Ron Paul is still a maniac, but the crazy certainly seems to be taking a backseat now that the election is actually getting closer.

SPORTS

The New York sports media are so adorable aren't they? So last week I was so into the JB Random Report End of the Year Awards that I didn’t address the really delusional headline that somehow Payton Manning would end up on the New York Jets and Mark Sanchez would just gracefully hand over the starting role and be a back-up. In a related story, Keith Richards called me last weekend and asked me to replace Ron Wood on the next Rolling Stones tour, Ronnie just isn’t pulling his weight anymore.

Seriously why are these people so insane? Peyton Manning will either retire, with the Indianapolis Colts, which is probably what he should do after three neck surgeries, he will play for the Indianapolis Colts with Andrew Luck breathing down his neck, or he will play for another team, not the New York Jets. Jet fans, don’t let the evil media do this to you. Now I know why Sarah Palin is so scared of newspapers.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

 At this point can you call the INS anything but incompetent? Apparently they are so desperate to deport anyone they can that they even deported a teenage runaway to Colombia without investigating to see whether or not she was actually American. Jakadrien Turner ran away from home a year ago, and somehow conned the geniuses at INS into believing that she was a Colombian national here illegally. She is back home and needless to say, her family has questioned why U.S. officials didn't do more to verify her identity. US immigration officials insist they followed procedure and found nothing to indicate that the girl wasn't — as she claimed — a woman from Colombia illegally living in the US. Really? How about asking her to speak Spanish? Or asking her what the capital of Colombia is?