It Is Now Time To Decide 12/16/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I must admit that I will miss the Republican debates, or as I have come to call them, “The Republican Search for the Candidate with the Least Amount of Humanity.” In my lifetime, I have never witnessed such an uninformed, racially and socially hostile group of incompetents running for president of this nation; a nation that is supposed to be, in Abraham Lincoln’s words “the last best hope of Earth.”

Now that the debates have come to a close and the primary voting actually begins, I am going to miss them. Remember such unforgettable hits like an audience of morons booing a US Serviceman who just happened to be gay yet served his country more than anyone on the stage? Herman Cain saying that “if you are not rich it’s your fault” or Mitt Romney showing how in touch he is with the middle class by making a $10,000 bet on national television? Or how about Ron Paul saying that an accident victim should be allowed to die in a hospital if he doesn’t have a health care plan? I’m sure we will all miss Rick Perry’s idea of an electrified fence along our southern border to keep out all those pesky illegal immigrants who do the shit jobs that no one in this country will do, then complain about there not being any jobs, after they vote against a comprehensive jobs bill of course!

And then there is Michele Bachmann. “Scarecrow, I think I will miss you most of all” said Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. The genius whose top quotes (spoiler alert!) you will see in a few weeks in The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards for 2011. Someone so abysmally stupid she makes George W Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar. Forget about the fact that she knows nothing about the history of this country, has failed to check facts and is so ignorant on foreign affairs she thought we had an embassy in Iran, what I will miss is how every time she fucked up, she tried to convince the public that she was right, you just heard it wrong, or the liberal media misquoted her. Last night she actually had to defend her series of gaffes by saying “I am a serious candidate for President.” Michelle, let me quote one of the greatest female conservatives of our time, someone who undoubtedly, you have probably never heard of…

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to say you are, you aren’t.”

                                                                                                                                - Margaret Thatcher

Having to defend the seriousness of your candidacy means you don’t really have one. It is this “doubling down” on stupid that I will surely miss the most. That and the fact this party has been hijacked so violently by Teabagger yahoos that they have actually marginalized their smartest candidates.

In short, absent some dramatic turn, the Democrats have nothing to worry about in 2012 unless:

1-     The Mayans were right and the world is coming to an end; or

2-     Republicans get their heads out of their collective Hillbilly asses and realize that Jon Huntsman is their most electable candidate.

And a heartfelt R.I.P to a man who I didn’t always agree with, but who’s genuine conviction I truly admired, along with his ability to knock back a few. Christopher Hitchens was one of those writers who you hated when he made a good point that contradicted yours. And when he was on CNN or a talk show, you almost wanted to challenge him to a fistfight; usually after he made a really good point that contradicted yours. He will be missed. Here’s hoping Heaven has a Pub and Hemmingway has invited you to his table and lent you his tab.   

SPORTS

I wanted to wait to post until the Barry Bonds sentencing was finally pronounced. Just so that I can say…hey US Government, thank you for spending nearly 10 years of your time and millions of dollars of taxpayer money to ultimately sentence this man to some time at home and 2 years of babysitting, and 250 hours of whatever you think community service is. It was also nice of you to stay the sentencing pending appeal. Appeal? Are you fucking joking? Appealing no jail time? I’m sure that during one of the worst recessions in US history the American tax payer is relieved that you have dedicated so much time and resources to this case. I’m sleeping better already.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORIST WANNA KILL US

Just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in…

I had totally given up on American Idol and all of those other shows after they decided that Jennifer Lopez was somehow qualified to judge a “talent” contest. Now comes word that one of my favorite people, someone who actually does have talent, as proven by the fact that he has been broadcasting’s greatest innovator of the past 30 years, Howard Stern will now be a judge on America's Got Talent. Now I have no idea when that show is on, but now I wanna watch it. And shame on whatever network puts this show on for reeling me in with someone who is actually candid and interesting.