Merry Christmas From Congress, Rich Folks! 12/8/11

Ahh yes, the Holiday office party…is there any more popular place for inappropriate behavior?

And speaking of inappropriate behavior, I have a question for my female readers. Is another girl stealing your underwear really a common occurrence? Because I find that really weird if it is. I was talking to someone the other day angry at a friend who had stayed over because she was sure that her underwear drawer had been invaded (No…it wasn’t me. And I resent the implication. Just because someone has a thing for smelling women’s underwear, that doesn’t make me a thief. Close minded fools!!). Anyway, given the fact that a woman’s underwear region is considerably more sensitive and internal than a man’s, I can’t imagine anyone actually wanting to wear another woman’s used underwear. Well, unless there is a fetish of course. I have been in locker rooms, barracks, changing rooms since I was a teenager and not once did I ever look at another guy’s drawers and say “Oh yeah…gotta have those for me!” What is wrong with you ladies?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Looks like President Barack Obama has successfully called out Republicans on their complete and utter hypocrisy. After reminding them last week that they did sign a “pledge” not to raise taxes, Republicans in the Senate have just blocked an extension to the payroll tax cut for the middle class. I guess this is how Republicans say “Merry Christmas" to the rich people that own them.

So as I predicted, until his questionable ethics come back to haunt him at least, it looks like Newt Gingrich is the new flavor of the month in the Republican Party. And like all other flavors of the month in the GOP, he was here in New York this week to kiss the ring of the new GOP Don Corleone, Donald Trump. Seriously how did this silver-spooned combover ever get so politically powerful? He must have some type of J. Edgar Hoover-like secret files on every candidate, or maybe it’s the free suite at the Trump Tower that has these GOP’ers kissing his spray-tanned ass because I still can't get my head around how this man has made himself a king maker in the Republican party. Now he wants to moderate a debate? Are you serious? This buffoon couldn’t moderate a pie eating contest and now he is going to be the one asking candidates the tough questions that voters want answers to? This can’t be the America I was born in. This has to be a bad dream.

SPORTS

I guess it really is all about money in the end. Looks like Albert Pujols has decided to leave the team that he has played for his entire career and won two World Series championships with, the St Louis Cardinals. Never mind that he is worshipped in that city and they will one day erect a statue of the man, he decided to be a part of the California/Los Angeles/Anaheim or whatever the hell they are calling themselves now Angels’ current off season spending spree. The Angels also spent money on a pretty good homegrown Orange County pitcher in CJ Wilson. Every once in a while the Angels make a big move, and this is their year. In a weak division, they have already furthered the argument for them to be the favorites there this year.

As for the now “Miami” Marlins, don’t believe the beach-sanded, fake-boobed, all-over tanned, hype. The Marlins make this same move every few years. They spend millions on a few free agents in one year, win a World Series then have a fire sale. They did it in both 1997 and 2003. Both years in which they won the World Series in a less than memorable fashion, with a bought team put together for one year, and then dumped once it was won. Does this entire front office have suntan lotion on the brain? How can you possibly think you are going to gain a steady following or establish a tradition by winning this way? No one in that team’s nearly 20 year history has ever identified themselves as a Marlin, and they have never held on to a good player long enough for that type of traditional affection to be established. I mean seriously, when you say that a 24 year old Miguel Cabrera doesn’t fit in with your “youth movement” are you really fooling anyone? So if the Marlins should win, look for Jose Reyes to take his dreadlocks elsewhere next year.   

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Jon Corzine, the former chief executive officer of the bankrupt broker MF Global (yeah I think I know what those initials mean); apologized for his firm's failure and told a House committee that he doesn't know where its missing customer money went. He doesn't know?

"I simply do not know where the money is, or why the accounts have not been reconciled to date," Corzine said, in prepared testimony to the House Agriculture Committee this morning.

I think this man may be a candidate for JB Random Report Asshole of the Year.