The GOP: Still Bitter That We Couldn't Get Laid In High School 2/24/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Ok at what point do Republicans say “OK maybe next time.” I, as well as other political commentators have repeatedly made fun of the GOP candidates with little comedic exaggeration necessary, which makes them all the more frightening. At this point, if you have the intelligence of a sloth you know that there is not one GOP candidate who is not either out of touch, or just completely batshit. Even Republicans know this, and to watch moderate Republicans try and defend these candidates publicly is getting embarrassing even for them.

How is it that the attacks on Barack Obama went from the economy (which is getting a lot better) to contraception? Seriously, this is the big issue? A woman’s right- not to an abortion or to gynecological health care, but her right to decide when she wants to get pregnant? This is what they feel needs to be legislated? I’m shocked that the party who is so opposed to government intervention and so in favor of getting the government out of people’s private lives now wants to invade the most personal, private decision of all. And given the positions taken by these candidates I think any woman who votes for the GOP is insulting every woman who fought for their right to do so.

This issue is not without its rewards though…I have been inspired to actually come up with a new slogan for the Republican candidates: “The GOP: Obviously still bitter that we couldn’t get laid in high school.”

SPORTS

Usually this would be the Jeremy Lin section of the blog, but I wanna start with the Ryan Braun story. I wanted to stay away from it until the final ruling, and it looks like Braun has done the impossible: He has actually beaten the MLB drug testing policy. In a press conference today, the National League MVP spoke about how an independent arbitrator ruled that he was innocent of the doping charges that would have suspended him for the first 50 games of the season. In short, his sample was tainted because it was not immediately shipped to the lab and sat for two days. What surprises me is how Major League Baseball, in typical Republican fashion, instead of admitting it made a mistake decided to double down on stupid by saying that just because the sample sat for two days doesn’t mean that the positive result could not have been from drugs.

Uhh guys, there is a reason that YOU stipulated in the last collective bargaining agreement that samples be frozen and immediately shipped to a lab, it is because temperature can effect a urine sample, depending on what you are using it for, and if you are going to use said sample as evidence, then a chain of custody of said evidence must be established. I learned this my first month of law school, it’s not that difficult a concept.

To continue to deny Braun enjoyment of his MVP award and to question his integrity instead of that of the test and the sample makes you look like the out of touch idiots who decided to call a tie in an All Star game.

For those “Law & Order” fans who think that everyone can sue for anything, let’s slow down for a second. Libel and Slander have certain criteria that unfortunately have not been met in this case. Yes MLB acted like assholes, but that does not necessarily make them civilly liable for damages; Damages which at this point probably amount to not being invited to cut the ribbon at the annual Bear County Tractor Pull. Unless he can prove actual damages, he is out of gas. ESPN is also not guilty of anything either, given that they didn’t report any falsehoods. They never said Braun was a dirty player or that he cheated, just that he tested positive, which he did. That the test itself was flawed is another matter. They did report that too by the way.

As for my new man-crush Jeremy Lin, Knicks fans, let’s not panic. In 10 starts, his game against Miami just happened to be his worst. That doesn’t mean doom for New York, just one bad game against a really good team. And let’s not blame this all on him, this guy went from reading cartoons on the far side of the bench to starting and playing major minutes, he is a bit tired.

Baron Davis went 0 for 7 and no one is calling out his demise right? Let’s keep Lin-ing and let the kid grow before he turns into Rod Strickland or Mark Jackson, great point guards lost by the Knicks because they were not given time to grow.

I really am looking forward to Lin participating in NBA All Star weekend, and at the half way point of this shortened season, I really think the Knicks are gonna be a tough out in the playoffs.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Super PACs. Looks like every GOP candidate has a sugar daddy that will buy them the election, thanks to the Supreme Court.

But one positive note, just in case you need another reason to worship Bill Maher, he just donated $1 million to Barack Obama’s Super PAC. Hey, don’t get mad at Obama for playing the game that the conservative Supreme Court said he could play.