Can We PLEASE Have Death Panels Now? 3/2/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

You know, if a fat drug addicted buffoon like Rush Limbaugh called me a slut, I wouldn’t be offended; it was just the hillbilly heroin talking! So my message to Sandra Fluke is…come on, don’t be so “stunned and outraged” by someone who will never apologize to you and is already doubling down on stupid by suggesting that you now release a sex tape just because you want to be in control of your own reproductive rights. Is this the person you want an apology from?

Let me give you an illustration: Maybe, you might ask Yoko Ono to apologize for breaking up the Beatles, right? She is not totally nuts just yet. But would you ask Courtney Love for an apology for fucking up Nirvana? Probably not for fear of your personal safety. I don’t think you get a contact high from prescription drugs but I still wouldn’t go near that maniac. So don’t worry about what Rush says just because he has minions of other nitwits hanging on every word coming out of his big fat donut-pizza-bacon-cheese fried breathed mouth.

SPORTS

LIN-sanity over? Did you say over? NOTHING is over until we say it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! And it ain’t over now! (It’s a quote from Animal House. The Germans didn’t bomb Pearl Harbor, but I had to explain that because I know Tea Baggers read my blog. I hate have having to explain a joke, it loses so much after that).

I think against Cleveland he finally had an even game where he blended well with A’mare Stoudamire and Carmelo Anthony, and the bench played great. You know, I lived through those great Patrick Ewing teams of the 90’s, but for some reason I’m more into this current team.

And speaking of the NBA, look…I’m not impressed with your brilliant idea for “Hispanic Heritage Month” were you stick a Latin pre-fix on your team’s name and call it a “tribute.” What’s next? Free tacos for everyone whenever the home team scores 100 points? How lame is this? “Los Suns?” gimmie a friggin’ break. Are you people even aware that there is actually a Spanish word for “Sun?”

Seriously you wanna impress me? How about instead of “Los Lakers,” you spring for the extra letters and put “Los Lageros” on the jerseys in LA? “Los Soles de Phoenix” sounds good. How about “Los Busca Caminos de Portland?” or “El Calor de Miami?” Look sure there are probably no translations for some team names and “Los Knicks” would be acceptable in such cases, but come on, with such a huge Latino population in California you rich white guys can’t afford “Los Reyes de Sacramento” on a jersey for a month? Hire some people that actually know the language you are trying to honor, at least enough to properly improvise (like I did) when there is not a clear translation for the name. No bueno, gringos!

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Is it true that Snookie from the Jersey Shore is pregnant? Because if it is then can we have Social Services intervene now? Or is that too much government intervention? I think I am now in favor of death panels. In a related story, Rick Santorum was released from the hospital today with a neck brace. He suffered the mild injury after learning that Snookie was pregnant then changing his stance on birth control so fast his head spun!