Someone's Present and Future Earnings Just Got "Terminated." 5/19/11

Hey, sorry about last week, but I was a bit melancholy after having discovered that my mom was once very close friends with Arnold Shwarzenegger. Although the DNA tests came back negative, I still can’t explain why I could bench press 300 pounds when I was 4 years old.

And why is this woman smiling? Because news is that Maria Shriver has hired a lawyer, not just any lawyer, but Laura Wasser. For those of you who don’t know her, let me give you an image…Imagine yourself on a playground waiting for a basketball court, and the guy who has next with you just happens to be Kobe Bryant…Or let me put it to you this way, Arnold just got half his assets and present and future earnings “Tehr-men-ayted.”

And speaking of Ah-nold movies, does “Conan the Barbarian” really need to be re-made?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Newt Gingrich sure started his presidential campaign off with a strong, inspired whimper didn’t he? First he had to backpedal with the dexterity of Lance Armstrong when confronted about his position on healthcare, then there are his 3 marriages, his adultery, his wife’s really creepy stare, and just in case his week wasn’t complete, he got glitter thrown at him by a gay guy during a book signing. Nice campaign.

And did I hear President Barack Obama correctly when he suggested Israel go back to the borders of 1967 in a speech today? Yeah ok…that has about as much chance of ever happening as Michele Bachman learning to read a newspaper or check facts.

SPORTS

Just what the fuck does Kevin Durant have in that backback? Why would he even need a backpack? It's not like he spent any significant amount of time in college or anything.

I always knew that Kareem Abdul Jabbar was a bit of an angry dude, but complaining over not getting a statue at Staples Center? Really? Not that he doesn’t deserve it, he most certainly does. Not only is he the NBA’s all-time leading scorer, but he has 3 NCAA Championships with UCLA, 5 NBA Championships with the Lakers, and 6 NBA MVP’s. But don’t toot your own horn Kareem, that behavior is beneath you. And remember getting statues is part achievement, and part popularity contest. Oscar De La Hoya has one, so let’s keep this in perspective.  

Jorge Posada is neither a villain nor a hero, he is just an aging ballplayer who is upset at being dropped in the line up. This is nothing new, it’s just magnified because it’s New York, and because team captain Derek Jeter kinda backed him up. Probably not because Posada was right, but because one day, and that day looks to be sooner than later, it will be Jeter being dropped in the line up.

But what I found even more compelling is last night’s game in Baltimore. And Joe Girardi doing something that he did in his first season with the Yankees; over-managing. Bartolo Colon shouldn’t even be in the majors this season, but it was an impressive season of winter baseball that caught coach Tony Pena’s eye and got him a spring try-out with the Yankees. Colon has responded by having one of his best season starts ever. Last night he pitched an eight inning shut out on only 87 pitches, and was inexplicably taken out in the 9^th inning by Girardi. Now, anyone can yell at a television, bellowing that this was a mistake, it doesn’t mean you know baseball, and Mariano Rivera in the 9^th is certainly not a risk so pipe down, Ty Cobb.

My problem with this is that Colon has done everything the Yankees have asked of him, and when Phil Hughes’ arm gave out, he took over his slot and has performed brilliantly. He deserves the respect that any other pitcher throwing a shut out would get; he deserved to be given at least a chance to finish his game. Now once again, no one could have predicted that Mariano would have blown the save and the game would have gone another 6 innings, but that’s what happened. My point is that is should have been Colon’s game to win or lose, and after all his hard work he ended up with a no-decision. Girardi needs to get a hold of this now, no one wants another “Bronx Zoo.” Well, unless they win of course, then it becomes kinda fun to watch.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Well if Judgment Day really is this Saturday, May 21^st, then what am I gonna do with the Yankee tickets I have for August?

Really? 5/6/11

Before I even get started, let me just say that no heterosexual man, under any circumstances, should have his bellybutton pierced.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Why is it that Republican nit-wits are so terrified of the big black president that they cannot give him credit for doing what retarded George W Bush could not? Seriously they take every opportunity to say that Osama Bin Laden was caught thanks to the intelligence gathered during the Bush administration. Really? Then why didn’t they go get him? And why did Bush say in an interview, and I quote, "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority," and, "I am truly not that concerned about him."  3/13/02. Seriously, even remotely giving GW Bush credit for killing Osama Bin Laden is like giving Forrest Gump credit for ending the Vietnam War.

And while Bush was busy not caring, President Barack Obama was keeping his promise to go and get Bin Laden where ever he was. As for what exactly Pakistan did or did not know, I can’t really say, but either way they look bad and with allies like this we may no longer need enemies. Now, this warhawk-ish cry to stop aid to the only Muslim country who will even talk to us in the region is a bit premature, and this needs to be handled delicately. They look bad enough so let’s not make it worse, at least not now. As for releasing his death pictures, I have to respect that it is the President's call, but you know what? I’m from New York City, I served in the military and I’m a taxpayer. These operations in the Middle East since 2001 have cost $1.19 trillion, not to mention thousands of American lives, and although I hate to admit it, I’d like to see a bullet smashed head for my troubles. 

Sorry Republicans, but Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin didn’t do this, Obama the Kenyan Muslim did, deal with it. And he is coming for your guns and Bibles next! And then, he will take away your Krispy Kremes and deep fried pork fat!

And finally, a shout out (no pun intended) to JSOC and the sailors of SEAL Team 6. Now that you got Bin Laden, you think you can take care of the assholes responsible for the daily increase in gas prices? And while you are at it, see if you can take out that wild beast living on Donald Trump’s head disguised as a combover.

SPORTS

Those “voluntary” workouts being held by NFL players on their own is a nice gesture until a middle tier player without a Tom Brady-sized bank account and no medical coverage gets hurt. I’d skip this and just let the whole lockout drama play out in court. 

And has anyone else been noticing the NBA Playoffs? This has been one of the most exciting playoffs that I can remember, and there is a very good chance that we might see an NBA Finals this year that does not include the Spurs, Celtics or even the Lakers. Younger teams are coming on strong like Chicago and League MVP Derrick Rose, Memphis who I correctly predicted would do damage if they kept that young core together, and Oklahoma City who have one of the best players in Kevin Durant. Of course Miami is finally starting to roll, but I would love to see one of these young teams make a dent in this old boys club that is the NBA Finals, and I stress the word “old.”  And one more thing NBA, can you please fine any player that when talking about the game uses the phrase “We just have to play (insert team name here) basketball.” It’s annoying and limited sounding.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Uhh…I think this one might be obvious

What An Interesting Week 5/2/11

President Barack Obama is having just as good a week as I am…

I was still recovering from Royal Wedding hangover when I heard the news…It took ten years, cost billions of dollars and thousands of US lives, I guess the question is whether or not the death of Osama Bin Laden was worth it. The overwhelming consensus seems to be “yes.” And I have to agree. At this point, ten years after the attacks of 9/11, Bin Laden was reduced to a figure head, a symbol of anti-US sentiment. No longer an actual leader, but a powerful symbol none the less. His death with further splinter a group that has no real charismatic leader to replace him. In the Van Halen of terrorists groups, only Sammy Hagars and Gary Cherones remain.

Of course US actions in Afghanistan greatly weakened Al-Qaeda’s ability to recruit suicide bombers and other terrorists, but the greatest blow to recruitment has come from the Muslim world itself. With a population of over 60% under 30 years old, these Muslims have grown up at a time where access to information is so readily available they know better than to believe that whole “72 Virgins” bullshit. And whether it’s Iran, Tunisia, Yemen, Egypt or Libya, young Muslims will no longer support being lied to, and have taken real action to be free. These actions have nothing to do with supporting the United States, and everything to do with wanting a better life. And in the end, a man hiding not in a cave, but in a million dollar mansion, and (allegedly) using his own wife as a human shield to avoid US bullets is hardly a revolutionary symbol anyone would admire.

As for the operation itself I will only say that the best thing the US did was not share the information with our “allies” in Pakistan, as he was living in their backyard. That propaganda fed to the ignorant that “Allah was protecting Bin Laden” was not God but sympathetic Pakistani intelligence officials who I can only hope are also brought to justice. I just hope the Halal guys on the corner of 73^rd and Broadway don’t shut down!

Some have asked whether or not this guarantees Obama’s re-election next year to which I replied, in the words of Harvey Keitel in “Pulp Fiction”…"Ahh, let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet." Never underestimate the power of stupidity. But I will say that the birth certificate issue being slammed shut and now this, things are looking good. All Obama needs for his approval rating to go as high as Bill Clinton’s in 1999 is to get an intern to blow him.

And finally, some advice for the US State Department…

The next time you brief the retarded President on September 9^th, 2001 that a potential US ally was murdered in Afghanistan and he ignores you, it’s OK to remind him that he is a retard and go on high alert despite his indifference.

Outside of my parents, I have very few people I admire, try to emulate, or even give two shits about. Other than wishing that I was reincarnated as Snoop Dogg, I also have no real passion for celebrities or World figures. This is due to the fact that one of my heroes, Professor John Louis Cooper always told me “Don’t look for heroes.” The greatest freedom fighter Afghanistan had ever seen was a man who I would have gladly fought for named Ahmad Shah Massoud. He kicked the shit out of the Russians when they were in Afghanistan and was known not only as the “Lion of Panjshir” but a Nobel Peace Prize nominee in 2002, and more importantly to us, as “The Afghan who ended the Cold War.” His Northern Alliance was driven into the mountains after the Taliban took over and he flatly rejected their doctrines.

He was our strongest political ally should we have ever had to go into Afghanistan, and no one knew this better than Al-Qaeda and the Taliban, which is why he was killed in a suicide bomb attack, two days before the World Trade Center attacks. The enemy knew that without Massoud, there would be no one in country to help the Allies once they retaliated. When you are supposedly monitoring those responsible for the USS Cole and the Embassy bombings in Tanzania and Kenya, and your biggest local ally is killed, shouldn’t you have at least lifted your ten gallon hat-sized head out of your Texas BBQ pit and done some investigating? Let’s hope we learned something from this.

I’m glad there are some celebrations, it’s not like we couldn’t use something to celebrate given how divided we have become in this country. Kinda like how the British were united celebrating the Royal Wedding, except our celebration came with automatic weapons and a dead asshole!     

I'm Glad To See Someone Is Doing Well 4/28/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

When Barack Obama finally released his original birth certificate yesterday, my first thought to myself was ”great…the brilliant man yet lousy negotiator is at it again, appeasing the idiots who actually question his birth after he already produced proof in the short form certificate.” Let me give you an example…If I showed you my driver’s license, the same license I have had for 17 years, would you now demand written proof that I passed the road test in the form of a receipt that I got on the day of the exam? So I continued to let this bother me until I realized how brilliant this move was.

The White House could have released the original birth certificate years ago and ended this once and for all, until they saw how this ridiculous non-issue was actually dividing the Republican Party. You actually had conservative nit-wits so terrified of the big black president that they gave this lunacy momentum.

So The White House simply laid back and let the idiots fight amongst themselves, and even got the most vocal and popular “non-candidate” in the Republican Party, Donald Trump, to make a complete ass out of both himself, and the squirrel he wears on his head. Then once Trump got to New Hampshire, he gave this angry speech where he did all he could to back pedal on the birth certificate issue and now wants to say that Obama wasn’t a good student at Columbia or Harvard and now wants Obama to release his grades. I guess he will be wanting to give Obama a prostate exam as well.

At the end of it all, Obama simply gave them all, not just the maniacal teabaggers, but mainstream Republicans who used the cop-out line “it’s not my personal opinion, but I will let people decide for themselves whether or not he was born here,” enough rope to hang themselves. Now they all look stupid, and only a year before election time too, what a coincidence. Wow...I never thought I would live to see the day where Obama played so dirty he “out-Clintoned” the Clintons.

At last count, and I'm positive this number will increase, 280 people were killed in Alabama today in the wake of a devastating storm. President Obama has already coordinated a federal response,declared a disaster area, and plans to be there tomorrow. I wonder if southerners are missing George W Bush and his Katrina policy now?

SPORTS

All eyes are on the NFL Draft tonight, but if there is no season, what will it matter? I for one am so excited about ESPN’s 18,243,708,917 hours of live coverage I just might miss the Royal Wedding. Speaking of which, I think that Phillipa Middleton is twice as hot as her big sister.

Roger Godell is a competent executive and an intelligent man, which is why I can’t believe that he is so unwilling to support putting his product out on to the field. And although I acknowledge that ultimately, his client is the National Football League and he is charged with acting within its best interest, I cannot see any scenario where not having a season is in the best interest of his client. I also cannot see how NFL owners can look at something that they already make a huge profit on, and wish to shut it down in order to take a bigger piece of the pie from the men who are actually out on the field risking injury and playing the game. Good thing Judge Susan Richard Nelson agrees with me, and decided to end this ridiculous lockout by way of court ordered injunction. The injunction was properly given by all legal standards and will be upheld on appeal. Let’s hope the 8^th Circuit sees reason. It’s nice to see that not all Federal Courts are puppets of corporate greed…right Justice Scalia?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Nice to know that while gas prices in the United States are now over $4 a gallon, Exxon made $11 billion in this first quarter alone. Nice to see someone finally doing well in this economy.

In keeping with the royal theme, does anyone know why there are no lineal descendants of the French royal family? They imploded in their own decadence and were all beheaded by angry revolutionaries. I’m not a huge fan of the French, but maybe they are on to something with this whole “let’s behead those who prey on ordinary people” thing.

Dreaming The Dream 4/21/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Well…isn’t this a nice image to kick off the holidays? Just in case you were wondering how the Teabaggers and the GOP really think, here is a nice little progressive bit of humor from Orange County GOP official and Teabagger Marilyn Davenport sent via email. And this comes after former GOP Chairman Richard Steele, who is African American, by the way, had the audacity to say on Bill Maher last week that he believed that Teabaggers are not all Republicans, some are just disenfranchised independents. Well I don’t see any of them anywhere else but in the Republican party.

Look, I would love to say that not all Teabaggers are racist, or violent, or brain-dead. But then I see things like this, the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords in Arizona, and Sarah Palin; and can’t help but to just go with the stereotype.  

SPORTS

I can’t believe I’m about to write this and put it on record, but here it goes…Bud Selig (gasp!)...(long pause)…did the right thing in appointing a MLB representative to oversee the day to day operations of the Los Angeles Dodgers. We are not talking about some third tier, barely breathing small market team that gives away free beer to get fans to a game. This is a storied franchise with a great deal of history, Hall of Fame players and 6 World Series Championships. A team that has done nothing in free agency and has not lived up to its potential at all. The circus surrounding club owner Frank McCourt and his divorce is typical of all court cases in Los Angeles, and I’m glad Bud Selig refused to allow a major league baseball team to be a part of it. And Mets fans rejoice, cause you might be next!

The Carmelo Anthony trade is a long term deal that will produce the desired results in New York if fans and management are willing to be patient, additional pieces are added, and someone tells them how important defense is.

Having said that…Knicks fans, I’m not one of you, but let’s dream together for a while…

Imagine if Blake Griffith had not hurt his knee prior to the 2009-2010 season and had actually played a game in the NBA for the LA Clippers. He would have been the Rookie of the Year by a considerably wide margin, not allowing anyone with a vote to even consider anyone else. Unfortunately for you, that is exactly what happened this year. Had that not been the case, I believe as you do, that Landry Fields would have gotten a lot of consideration. He is the only player on the team to have played in all 82 games, averaging nearly 10 points (which would have been higher without the Carmelo trade) and 7 rebounds a game. Playing in New York certainly doesn’t hurt for exposure, and the Knicks could have very well had their first NBA Rookie of the Year since Mark Jackson (St John’s!) in 1987.

Then let’s pretend that the season was only the first two months, and your rejuvenated team was being led by a rejuvenated superstar in Amar’e Stoudamire. That team brass would have not been pressured by Cold War tactics from Nets ownership to make the Carmelo Anthony trade and gut the team in the process. That Stoudamire would have been allowed to be a focal point on a team that would have been forced to play defense to win instead of having to rely on two scorers to win games. With all due respect to Derrek Rose, you would have had your first league MVP in Stoudamire since Willis Reed in 1969-70.

Ok…now wake up!

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

And yes, the Time Magazine 100 Most Influential People issue came out this week, and yes their list is so sad as to provide me with a considerable amount of rant material. But you know what? I’m actually tired of doing that. Like it’s gonna matter anyway? Are some of the wastes of space that are on here going to stop being considered influential just because I think they are wastes of space? No…but it’s what I do.

Mark Zuckerberg of course he has to be on here, Julian Assange, yes. The best player in the worlds most popular sport, Lionel Messi, yes. But I was shocked when Vice President Joe Biden was on the list. I’d be shocked if any Vice President was on that list. Seriously, the only reason this man had been in the news lately was for his imitation of Sleeping Beauty during Barack Obama’s budget speech last week. As I was reading the article it mostly touted his developing good relationship with the President. OK well how does that translate to being influential, without having to stretch? Cory Booker might be a genius according to Oprah Winfrey, who I guess is qualified to make every decision for every lonely housewife in America, but ultimately is still just the mayor of Newark, NJ. Look, don’t get me wrong, there are many heroes on this list who are surely inspirational, but only influential if you know about them. I may loathe Justin Bieber’s music, but even I acknowledge that everything that infant does is copied by every pre-teen in America, but who the fuck is Blake Lively?

Then there is Michele Bachmann. Really? She can only influence the brain-dead, so does not deserve to be on this list, unless of course, her being on this list is a testament to where this country, this world, is going intellectually.

The Worst Thing Ever Said By An Ex 4/14/11

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

I’m a bit peeved this week that the guest list was made public, and I didn’t get an invitation to the Royal Wedding. I’m sure it must have gotten lost in the mail. So did you hear that Prince William and Kate Middleton have decided instead of wedding gifts that you donate to certain charities? Which I guess is the right thing to do, but now what am I supposed to do with this toaster-oven?

Speaking of relationships, I spent sometime this weekend with one of my best female friends and the discussion turned to the worst things ever said to us by an ex. Oddly enough, given my personality, no one I have ever parted ways with has ever said anything particularly bad or memorable to me on the way out. Probably because they know that unless they are armed with a joke book and a thesaurus, the comeback is going to be brutal. Or, despite my ultimately fucked disposition, maybe I wasn’t that bad...once I was gone, of course. Now, I have gotten the classics like “I hate you,” and “I’m glad I got rid of an asshole like you.” Odd thing to say considering I’m the one that broke up with that particular girl. Then there was “I hope my sister gave you herpes” which was particularly disturbing until I realized it was only said out of obvious anger.

So this friend told me that the worst, most hateful thing a guy ever told her as he left was an angrily-toned “I think your poetry really sucked!” It’s been 4 days…and I still don’t know why I can’t understand, or stop laughing, at that.

People magazine named Jennifer Lopez the most beautiful woman in the world? Really? They should come to my neighborhood sometime, because if she is their idea of beautiful, I can show you ten chicks on my block better looking than that hag.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So President Obama decided to give a press conference yesterday outlining his budget plan. He suggested we cut the biggest three programs: Social Security, Medicaid and Defense, not to mention ending tax breaks for the wealthy. So after all those Nobel Prize winning economists got together and put their thinking caps on, they came to the conclusion that they should get money from where the money is? That’s brilliant. I’m so glad our president hired all those geniuses to come up with this plan. Next time he wants to get something where something is, for a considerably lower fee I will show him a pie chart that illustrates how when I want a beer, I tend to go to the refrigerator and get it.

SPORTS

Ok so what exactly is Barry Bonds guilty of that has taken 5 years and millions in taxpayer money to determine? With all that money spent I’m assuming that the great danger to society has finally been brought to justice, never to hurt anyone ever again, right? Well not exactly. He was found guilty of one count, the least serious of all of them, which was obstruction of justice. After all that bullshit he was still never found guilty of lying about taking steroids. Seriously am I the only one who thinks this cash would be better spent elsewhere? Even if he had been found guilty, what would be the benefit to society that would clearly outweigh the cost of this trial?

The Knicks will be a tough out in the playoffs.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

This one came to me from my cousin Betty in Florida…”‎100K per episode each !!!! for Jersey Shore.....”

OK enough said

Strange Days...4/7/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Am I the only one who notices that the only times there is a threat of a “Government Shutdown” is when there is a Democratic President and a Republican lead Congress? It happened with Clinton and now with Obama, and seriously it’s about time he showed some balls and actually vetoes this ridiculous extension and its condition of $12 billion in cuts. At what point are they going to acknowledge that cutting education and welfare programs will not give them the money they need. But cutting the three biggest, most bloated things in the federal budget will. And that would be Defense, Social Security and Medicaid. Why is this never included in the debate? In a country that spends more on defense than the next 30 nations combined, isn’t it time to cut something? Especially when no conventional army can come anywhere near us militarily and our current enemies will not be defeated with money or conventional weapons but the winning of hearts and minds, which I assure you costs less.

For anyone in their 30's the death of Kurt Cobain was sort of our JFK moment...everyone knew where they were when they heard the news. I was coming home from basketball practice with a walkman on my head (remember those?) and I turned on the radio and caught a DJ talking about Kurt Cobain’s suicide in mid sentence. I don’t know why there are so many reflections this year about the anniversary of his death since it’s only been 17 years; maybe because there is a new statue in his hometown of Aberdeen, Washington being unveiled this week. Something that Cobain would have surely loathed if he were alive. Needless to say, music has never recovered; a quick glance at the pop charts can confirm that.

SPORTS

Bad enough that he has alienated so many basketball fans, now it looks like LeBron James’ mom is in trouble as well, but this is a bit worse. It seems she couldn’t get her car fast enough, so she decided it would be best to assault the parking valet. When police arrested her at 4:47 AM (nothing good ever happens at that time unless you are indoors, believe me) they said she smelled of alcohol. Wow…what a shock. You know, whenever I argue with my mom about something, I stop, count to ten then reflect on the fact that at least my mom is not one of these fame obsessed, self entitled nitwits who try to live vicariously off their children. And I’m even happier because my mom wouldn’t embarrass me by getting arrested. However, should my mom ever get arrested, she will either not survive or end up starting a shopping club in the prison.

Did you hear that Ben Roethlisberger is getting married? I wonder which nightclub bathroom stall he is registered at?

THIS WEEK'S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Nobel Prize recipient Toni Morrison got $30,000 for a speaking engagement at Rutgers University. Of course she deserves it; she is an accomplished individual and one of the greatest American authors of the last century. Having said that, I am a bit surprised to learn that Snookie from Jersey Shore got $32,000 to speak at Rutgers University. You know, I admired the football team at Rutgers for being ranked a few years ago by the BCS on true talent and wins alone; so much so that I got a Rutgers football cap. Anyone want it?

Now is all fairness, you can’t blame Snookie for getting paid, but it is certainly a testament to what our society chooses to value, and it’s not a particularly comforting one.

AND…

OK Donald Trump, I’ll make you a deal…Barack Obama will produce his original birth certificate if you can produce the original birth certificate of the endangered specie hibernating on your head.