The Worst Thing Ever Said By An Ex 4/14/11

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

I’m a bit peeved this week that the guest list was made public, and I didn’t get an invitation to the Royal Wedding. I’m sure it must have gotten lost in the mail. So did you hear that Prince William and Kate Middleton have decided instead of wedding gifts that you donate to certain charities? Which I guess is the right thing to do, but now what am I supposed to do with this toaster-oven?

Speaking of relationships, I spent sometime this weekend with one of my best female friends and the discussion turned to the worst things ever said to us by an ex. Oddly enough, given my personality, no one I have ever parted ways with has ever said anything particularly bad or memorable to me on the way out. Probably because they know that unless they are armed with a joke book and a thesaurus, the comeback is going to be brutal. Or, despite my ultimately fucked disposition, maybe I wasn’t that bad...once I was gone, of course. Now, I have gotten the classics like “I hate you,” and “I’m glad I got rid of an asshole like you.” Odd thing to say considering I’m the one that broke up with that particular girl. Then there was “I hope my sister gave you herpes” which was particularly disturbing until I realized it was only said out of obvious anger.

So this friend told me that the worst, most hateful thing a guy ever told her as he left was an angrily-toned “I think your poetry really sucked!” It’s been 4 days…and I still don’t know why I can’t understand, or stop laughing, at that.

People magazine named Jennifer Lopez the most beautiful woman in the world? Really? They should come to my neighborhood sometime, because if she is their idea of beautiful, I can show you ten chicks on my block better looking than that hag.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So President Obama decided to give a press conference yesterday outlining his budget plan. He suggested we cut the biggest three programs: Social Security, Medicaid and Defense, not to mention ending tax breaks for the wealthy. So after all those Nobel Prize winning economists got together and put their thinking caps on, they came to the conclusion that they should get money from where the money is? That’s brilliant. I’m so glad our president hired all those geniuses to come up with this plan. Next time he wants to get something where something is, for a considerably lower fee I will show him a pie chart that illustrates how when I want a beer, I tend to go to the refrigerator and get it.

SPORTS

Ok so what exactly is Barry Bonds guilty of that has taken 5 years and millions in taxpayer money to determine? With all that money spent I’m assuming that the great danger to society has finally been brought to justice, never to hurt anyone ever again, right? Well not exactly. He was found guilty of one count, the least serious of all of them, which was obstruction of justice. After all that bullshit he was still never found guilty of lying about taking steroids. Seriously am I the only one who thinks this cash would be better spent elsewhere? Even if he had been found guilty, what would be the benefit to society that would clearly outweigh the cost of this trial?

The Knicks will be a tough out in the playoffs.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

This one came to me from my cousin Betty in Florida…”‎100K per episode each !!!! for Jersey Shore.....”

OK enough said