The JB Random Report 4/30/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

“The First 100 Days” is a false timetable, created by the media during the Kennedy administration. Did you see Barack at that press conference? In only 100 days in office he’s developed a lot of gray hair hasn’t he? That must be one rough gig. I give the President a B. Why? Because even though I really like him and he is competent, unlike so many other people that either love him or hate him, I can be objective. 2 things he has yet to do that would have given him that elusive A.
1- He really hasn’t quite brought the promised bi-partisanship to Washington DC yet; something that he was very vocal about during the campaign.
2- He is taking forever to pick a cabinet and some of his choices have been questionable at best, un-confirmable at worst. Give him credit though, he isn’t letting the same dog bite him four times, and is doing thorough background checks on his future picks. Still, it shouldn’t take this long.

I don’t think I’d wanna live anywhere else besides New York unless I had to, but every once in a while…
Imagine how proud I was when I realized that of the over 100 confirmed cases of Swine Flu in the United States, 49 are in New York, all connected to my borough of Queens. 160 confirmed deaths in Mexico? Wow, if there were any justification for that electrified fence along our southern border this is it. Lou Dobbs must be wetting himself.

And just in case that swine flu doesn’t scare the shit out of you, The White House Military Office (Am I the only one that never knew this office?) will provide plenty of excitement. Ahhh, Director Louis Calderathe, a word of advice if I may…We New Yorkers are a bit touchy when it comes to planes flying so close to our skyscrapers. Call us paranoid, but let’s just say we have our reasons. So when you fly a 747 with an F-16 Falcon as a tail so low to the ground, even if it’s only because you want a nice picture with the Statue of Liberty, we tend to get a bit nervous. So if you could, I don’t know, TELL SOMEONE NEXT TIME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE we would really appreciate it.

Fearing that he would not win his party’s nomination in his home state of Pennsylvania, Senator Arlen Specter decided to change parties this week. When Al Franken (I still can’t believe that shit) gets confirmed in Minnesota, Democrats will control 60% of the Senate and can theoretically block any filibuster by the Republicans. If you don’t know why that’s important, look it up cause I don’t have time to explain it to your dumb ass. This is just another unexpected move by a guy who really has stood alone his entire career. Talk about a maverick. Now that he’s a democrat, do you think he’ll finally admit that “magic bullet” theory of his in the Warren Report was really stupid?

Do you realize that even if I don’t watch Idol and say “They voted off a white guy” I’d still be right?

DIET & NUTRITION

I’m really feeling that KFC grilled chicken, it’s actually pretty good as far as shitty fast food goes. I’m not all the way across yet, because I still believe that no grown up should ever wanna eat anything named “Pan-normous”

Two words women love to hear about a man…”Body Control”

SPORTS

Is the NFL Draft over yet?

And now, a brief glimpse into the past…1992 was one of my all time favorite years. Nirvana was the biggest band in the world, jeans got really baggy, a Snapple never cost more than $1, and no one knew who the fuck Monica Lewinsky was.
The debate between who was better, Ken Griffey Jr. or Barry Bonds raged on, the Yankees were not the best team in the American League East, and how ‘bout them Cowboys!
In the NBA, Magic Johnson was hinting at a comeback, Michael Jordan was the best player in the world, and the Bulls were the defending champs. In the Atlantic Division, an up and coming team just hired a great, well respected coach, and had made the playoffs. That team was the New York Knicks, and that coach was Pat Riley. When the Bulls and Knicks faced off in the second round of the playoffs, no one really gave the Knicks a chance. And why should they? But the Knicks showed no fear and took a 3-2 lead after game 5 (a game that I was at, by the way). Even non-Knick fans (like me) rooted for them. They lost game 6, and put up a great fight in game 7, but ultimately lost in Chicago. However, they were the only team to take the Bulls to 7 games that year. I say this because it was the last time the playoffs were really fun, exciting, and unpredictable, until now. Chicago is providing us with some amazing basketball once again, only this time as the underdog against the champion Boston Celtics. These games are totally worth watching again.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A civilization is always judged by the art they leave behind. Why do we think that the Neanderthals were well, Neanderthals? Because they painted stick figures on a wall in a cave. Why is the Renaissance considered the most enlightened time in human history? Because Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel and Leonardo Da Vinci catalogued the human body with such precision that his work is the basis of modern medicine. My generation will be judged by “Wonderwall,” “Come as You Are,” “Fake Plastic Trees,” and “Halo Fourteen.” This generation will be judged by some shit called “Kiss Me Thru the Phone.” What is that? Obviously you don’t have to have a brain, know how to spell or have anything meaningful to say to make money in music today, so I decided to write my own song called “Let Me Feel Ur Ass Thru Twitter,” but it hasn’t made the charts yet.