Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Some Random Thoughts 4/1/09


If I have you on Facebook, I think you already know that I’m slowly becoming addicted to those “Pick 5” lists. They go from the general, “Top Five Video Games” to the very specific, “Top Five Woody Allen Movies.” So I try to limit myself to filling out just one a day, but I have to admit that getting a year older has changed my sensibilities just a bit. I can create some hysterical lists and I want to, but my gall just isn’t what it used to be. I was so tempted to participate in one that I did not write, the “Top 5 Women I would Most Like to Go Down On,” until I realized I have my high school English teacher and mentor on Facebook. I just couldn’t do it, so I created a considerably milder one. I must be growing soft in my old age.

Anyone know where I can get a Members Only jacket? I feel so fashionably inadequate without one.

I’m also in need of a motorized bar stool like that retard from Ohio was driving when he crashed and was actually stopped for a DUI. People say that I unfairly pick on southerners and hillbillies, but come on, they make it easy with stories like this.

You know you grew up in the 90’s if you can quote Quentin Tarantino more than William Shakespeare.

Nothing puts a spring in your step quite like being in your 30’s and still getting proofed at a restaurant.


I’m the last guy that wants to pick on Barack Obama’s administration, it’s getting enough hits as it is. But the more I see of Eric Holder, the less I like him. First this asshole calls the United States a “nation of cowards,” and now he bravely decides not to continue the case against already convicted criminal Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska. Justice said it was because there were allegations of prosecutorial misconduct and because Stevens, who was the longest serving Senator at the time, is 185 years old. Look, anyone convicted of a crime is gonna cry misconduct by the prosecution, Holder being the US Attorney General and all, should know that already….what a dick.

Didn’t Queen Elizabeth II look like a hand puppet next to Michelle Obama?

And it’s nice to see the two countries primarily responsible for World War II working together again to achieve total chaos in the world. France (assholes) and Germany have threatened to walk out of the G-20 Summit unless real financial reform is made. Sure, let’s leave it up to you two assholes; you have a great track record keeping Europe and the rest of the world stable.

I had no idea that President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner of Argentina was such a hottie. And you thought Sarah Palin was a MILF. If she flirts with Gordon Brown enough, maybe they’ll give back The Falklands.


Have you checked out “That Metal Show” on VH1 Classic? Damn did you ever think those guys would get so old? Not that I don’t enjoy seeing how the hair metal bands I hated as a kid are now working at 7-11, but what's totally appalling are those 40something metal chicks in the studio audience, blissfully unaware that the party, like their look, is over. Maybe they were hot once, but now they look like they were beaten up one too many times backstage at a Motorhead concert.

I'm just not feeling Idol this season. So a white chick got booted this week...didn't I say that last week? Who would name anyone Lil Rounds? She should change her name to Big Round Ass. And when can we vote off that new judge? And who the fuck is Lady Gaga? Seriously why is this no talent with a bad wig in my life on my TV? And why does she cover one eye with a zipper? Does a dick come out when she opens it?


Why the fuck would a flake like Kobe Bryant stare down Michael Jordan after hitting one jumpshot? Did he forget the ass whoopings Jordan gave him when he was playing? Is he aware that Jordan is Jordan and that he is a flake who can’t lead a team? For a minute I thought Jordan was gonna take off that tan sport coat, expose the red “S” on his chest, get in the game and remind him.

Those extra Police Command Centers you see around the new Yankee Stadium will be needed to handle the considerable extra volume of arrests that will be made now that the Yankees have decided to sell beer in the bleachers.

In the history of International qualifying, Argentina has never lost as badly as they did to Bolivia today. 6 to1 are you kidding? Look, there is no denying that Diego Armando Maradona was both a complete asshole, and one of the greatest soccer players ever, but great players rarely make great coaches, and this might be yet a further illustration of that point.


I rarely compel any of my readers to go to a website, but this is something you really need to see. It was brought to my attention a while ago, but after giving it a second look I realized how this reflects our current society, and I’m a bit ashamed.

Everything on this website is uniquely American. Usually that would make me swell with pride, but this shit will just make you swell. When you give your food names like “The Thunderdome,” “The Porkgasm,” “The Homewrecker,” The Thruminator,” “The Bacon Donut,” and “The McGangBang,” it’s not hard to see why we are going in the direction we are going in.
Then imagine how I felt when one of the dishes on this site, “The Kitchen Sink,” I immediately recognized as having originated in a restaurant in my neighborhood. A place I happen to love, but will not admit to, nor give promotion to.


  1. Now you want a members only jacket after you told me I was the last member?

  2. What can I say...I'm a sheep who follows the crowd. However, I think I prefer the black leather Miley Cyrus variation of the Members Only jacket. I don't think the regular ones are quite hideous enough, and I need to make a statement!

  3. - You and I don't agree on Holder, but this time you nailed it with the Stevens prosecution.

    - "I had no idea that President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner of Argentina was such a hottie. And you thought Sarah Palin was a MILF."

    Sorry, she's not. (Maybe if you squint.) Palin is most definitely a MILF, tho.

    - That Metal Show and its audience could not be lamer. Don't these people know that hair bands ARE NOT METAL?

    - If you hate you are nothing but an unpatriotic, terrorist sympathisizing, socialist, baby-killer! hahahahahahahahaha

    Seriously, a lot of the stuff on there is gross, but I must admit, there are other, um, "delicacies" on there I'd love to try out sometime.