The JB Random Report 5/7/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced that he will retire. I think he wanted out a while ago, but wisely waited out the Bush administration so that this time a cleaning lady and a maniac would have no chance of being nominated. This really is Barack Obama’s chance at something all presidents want, legacy. He has a unique opportunity here to nominate an exceptional candidate that doesn’t necessarily fit the usual Supreme Court Justice mold. Needless to say, everyone is chiming in with an opinion. There has been the suggestion (a good one, by the way) that the candidate not come from the Federal Court of Appeals judge pool traditionally used to pick a nominee. Recent Democrat convert Sen. Arlen Specter even suggested that the nominee shouldn’t even be a lawyer, just someone with the right credentials. Ahhh…slow down cowboy. I know you wanna make a good liberal impression, but when it comes to the highest court in the land, I think an expert on the law might be the best choice. Sometimes people can say or do something really stupid just to fit in…like Frank Sinatra when he wore those stupid love beads while being married to a much younger Mia Farrow.

So why exactly is it called the “Swine flu?” Is Karl Rove patient zero?

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

Led Zeppelin on Idol? We truly are witnessing the end of days. Boring as this season has been, I think that dude Adam is gonna win, then he’ll come out of the closet.

SPORTS

Manny Ramirez? I always thought he was a flake, certainly a goofball, maybe even an asshole, but I never thought he would be suspended 50 games for a banned substance. It’s too fresh a story to comment much on its truth, but I really can’t imagine why this guy would need a female fertility drug. Manny, if you are having trouble getting pregnant I can introduce you to my uncle Tony. He has 11 kids by 6 different women. I’m sure he can boink you a few times and knock you up. You don’t need drugs.
How this will impact the Dodgers also remains to be seen, but anything that makes the Lakers the second sports story in Los Angeles, has to be pretty huge. In LA it’s all about the Lakers and USC Football. The Dodgers were very distant third. That is, until Joe Torre and Manny came to town. Baseball is popular in LA again, and this might set that whole thing back considerably. So, bad news first…this happened now, not a few years ago, and was the subject of a positive test result. The last time it was Rafael Palmeiro, and he was never heard from again. The good news is that unlike Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, or even Alex Rodriguez, Manny, ironically enough, is adored by both his current teammates and Dodger fans, and they will rally behind him. As for A-Rod…

I usually don’t respond to other on-line articles because mine are really the only ones that matter, but Jay Mariotti is an asshole. Just how big a bite out of A-Rod’s ass do you need? He came clean and wants to move on, why not let him? Why call for his suspension when he never tested positive since testing became mandatory in baseball? Seriously Mariotti are you still that mad at the captain of your high school baseball team for fucking your prom date? And to state with such conviction that “I’ll believe the author” when discussing Selena Roberts’ book is clearly misguided. Her information was obtained through what are at best, questionable “unnamed” sources, mostly from that cavernous space that is her own empty head. Remember, this is the same asshole who smeared Duke lacrosse players even after they were formally cleared of all charges (I guess an over zealous prosecutor who ended up being charged with ethics violations couldn’t do enough damage for her); and wasn’t this groupie with a typewriter illegally on the University of Miami campus stalking Alex Rodriguez? And how about the police being called when she tried to get into the gated community where he lives. Damn what’s next? Sneaking into his kitchen and boiling a live rabbit? What a creep. The only people who will find her credible are other sports groupies, regardless of the truth or lack thereof in her book.

Well I’m just shocked that a young, in-shape, and undefeated Floyd Mayweather Jr. decided to come out of retirement. I really thought he was happy in the WWE. I’m sure the possibility of making the biggest box office payday of the year by fighting the winner of Pacquiao-Hatton never crossed his mind. Mayweather is taking a bit of a risk by having his so called “warm-up” fight against Juan Manuel Marquez. Marquez is far from a tune up fighter and he better take him seriously unless he wants to keep doing commercials. Oh, and then there’s Oscar De la Hoya…and why is this man smiling? Because he is making more than both of them for the fight!
As for Ricky Hatton, he took a lot of good shots from Manny Pacquiao in that fight, but calling for him to retire is a bit premature. He was up against a great fighter, and if he re-works how he trains I think he can still be a champion. Just stay away from lefty power shots.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I can see why Souter wants out. The US Supreme Court wants to review a ruling in favor of CBS that dropped a $550k FCC fine over Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction.” Uhh…guys, that was an irrelevant case five years ago, isn’t it time to move on?