Whelmed...But Not Overly...7/15/13

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So let’s talk about what everyone is talking about. Yes the jury deliberated the fate of neighborhood watch asshole George Zimmerman for the killing of Treyvon Martin for 16 hours, which is usually a good sign for the prosecution. Yes they asked for clarification of the definition of manslaughter, another good sign. Let me broad-stroke this for you: Anyone who knows the law is not totally shocked by this verdict, but for six women, some who are parents themselves, to not find him guilty of anything is more than a bit surprising. And yes gender is an issue. You are not stupid enough to believe that lawyers pick jurors for their objectivity are you?

Did you watch the trial? CNN’s pundits were all over every aspect of this trial, and constantly referred to the issue of the gender of the jurors as the “elephant in the room.” Yet another group of legal talking heads constantly referred to the race issue as the “elephant in the room,” which confused me because every time they said “elephant in the room” I though they were referring to George Zimmerman.

So who wants a reality break? Sorry Sunny Hostin, (the black Nancy Grace) but no matter how subjective, personal and petty that you get, as I correctly predicted last year when the charges were filed, there was no way Zimmerman was going to be found guilty of second degree murder. Even the judge knew this, which is why she instructed the jury before deliberations that they can charge him with manslaughter if they cannot reach a verdict on the murder charge. Needless to say the defense was outraged at this instruction and would have certainly brought it up on appeal, but ultimately to no avail.

Speaking of which, although I might not have totally agreed with his position, Mark O’Mara is an outstanding attorney, his defense was masterful, but in a deep-rooted case like this, no one really wins, and even I have to admit that I thought a complete acquittal was out of the question. Now why did the judge give this instruction? Because Judge Debra Nelson is an intelligent, well-versed judge, and she does not want her town to turn into 1992 Los Angeles.

And you know what else? George Zimmerman may not be guilty of murder, but he killed an unarmed kid because Zimmerman himself was too fat, stupid and emotionally unstable to join the police force, and you shouldn’t get to do that in America and get away with it. Insofar as a Federal Civil Rights case or a civil case for monetary damages, the acquittal makes both of those increasingly more difficult. I would ask those who are asking for these things to be careful. Don’t try to bully the government into pressing charges they cannot make stick…look what happened in the criminal case.

I think that as far as a Civil case against Zimmerman himself, the burden of proof is less, and it is here that I believe that the whole idea of Zimmerman getting out of his car after the 911 operator told him not to will come into play. Mark O’Mara brilliantly stated in his defense that not following the instructions of the 911 operator was not illegal. True, but in a civil case you have to be negligent, not criminal, so Zimmerman may still have some explaining to do. As for his supporters saying that he won’t have much of a life now, I really don’t give a shit.    

10 Things A Grown Man Should Know 5/16/13

10 THINGS A GROWN MAN SHOULD KNOW:

1- Pull your fucking pants up, you look like a moron. Never exaggerate a current trend, you will only date yourself later on.

 2 - Learn to:
   (A) - cheer for your team;

   (B) - talk to a woman;
   (C) - eat at a restaurant; and
   (D) drink at an open bar,
without looking as though you have just been released from prison. Subtly will get you further than you think.

3 - Know how to wear a suit already. Know your suit size, inseam, sleeve and shirt size so that when someone dies in your family, you don’t look like you took your dad’s old suit out of the back of a closet. A good tailor can be a more significant relationship than a good dentist in some cases.

4 - Dude…just go down on her

5 - Under NO circumstances, should a man’s bellybutton be pierced

 6 – Straight guys: Your shorts should always reach your knees, short shorts are for women and gay guys (not that there is anything wrong with that).

CAVEAT: Lemmy Kilmister gets a pass. He is Lemmy, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. YOU are NOT Lemmy, do not wear tight short shorts.

7 - Never make your mom leave you a voicemail unless you are in an important meeting. Always pick up her call even if you have to cut her off after two minutes. Remember for better or worse, this woman gave birth to you.

8 - Don’t talk about girls you have slept with, to anyone. Discretion is the biggest aphrodisiac. And if you must, don’t lie about it like a horny 8^th grader who has never actually been near a girl. Remember this chick was nice enough to give you some, don’t soil it by being an asshole now, not to mention of you get a reputation for blabbing, no other girls will sleep with you. However, wild sex stories are perfectly acceptable so long as no names or dates are mentioned, and you are actually describing something you did, not something you read on a porn blog.

9 -  If you are over 30, do not wear a LeBron jersey, you look stupid

10 - Know that it is perfectly acceptable to throw the first punch in a street fight. That “I dare you to swing at me” shit is for people who actually don’t want to fight. Someone says that to you, throw two jabs, step in and smash his face with an overhand right. If he is still standing, you can’t fight so you really should have just walked away.  

CAVEAT: If the guy saying “I dare you to swing at me” starts punching himself in the face, wait a few seconds before deciding what to do.

AND: You don’t have to be a mechanic, but at least know how to change a tire.

"I'm Afraid of Americans" - David Bowie 5/9/13

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS & THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Every morning I get up to singing birds and the background noise of CNN from my television. Today I actually paused to observe both the ticker and the stories making headlines. Leading off was that horrific story out of Cleveland where 3 girls who had been kidnapped nearly a decade ago were found inside the home of an asshole named Ariel Castro, who was arraigned on said charges this morning and whose bond was set at $8 million. Yeah…I think he is gonna be there a while.  Now he was arrested based on the statements made by the alleged victims, part of those statements were that he had caused at least five miscarriages amongst the ladies over the time of their captivity, why was this prick not charged with abortion related crimes?

Then the news broke to Arizona and the conviction of Jodi Arias for the murder of her boyfriend. Arias, whose bizarre testimony on the stand was covered by every news source and described in real time every detail of their sorted sex life, and why said abusive sex life lead her to stab this man while he was taking a shower over 30 times…in self defense. Wow, that must have been one aggressive shower.

If that were not enough, CNN showed an exclusive interview withlast year’s 24/7 salacious sex and crime story that we just can’t seem to get enough of: Amanda Knox, who was acquitted after four years in an Italian prison for the murder of her roommate. The Italian police’s reasoning being that she killed her roommate because she would not properly engage in group sex or some shit like that. So this is what passes for news today?

Keep going? Sure…I guess Tim Lambesis, the lead singer for a band known as “As I Lay Dying” decided to take the name literally, as he has just been arrested for trying to hire a hitman to kill his wife (well ok, I’m sure we have all thought of doing that at one time or another).
And then there is the case that made now CNN correspondent Jose Baez famous, Casey Anthony. I find our obsession with these cases more disturbing than I can put into words, but I will start with a single word…detachment. Let’s not blame the media for their 24/7 coverage of these sensationalist stories, because they are merely giving us what we are asking for. It is not the media’s job to tell us to eat our intellectual vegetables. If we ask for it, CNN gives it to us and Letterman jokes about it. For better or worse, (mostly worse) this seems to be what the public thinks is news.

But let’s get back to the one thing these cases have in common; the fact that every one of the accused seems to be disturbingly detached from the actual crime. Casey Anthony was laughing in the courtroom even as she faced the possibility of the death penalty. Amanda Knox was doing fucking gymnastics outside the police station while waiting to talk to investigators (what the fuck?), and Jodi Arias gave two days of witness testimony so disturbing that even the most objective legal sources were stunned that her attorney would allow her anywhere near a witness stand. It should also be noted that Baez said, and I quote “Jodi Arias is a great witness.” How did these hacks ever invade the legal profession?

And why are we not more outraged at the fact that these accused seem to show no remorse or feeling for the victims, only an attitude of entitlement and shock as to how anyone could accuse them of crimes where there is overwhelming evidence that they were involved in? That is detachment; the separating of any real emotions whatsoever from the heinous crimes that were committed. Seriously, these fucking assholes are shocked by the legal systems response to them. They are shocked that anyone could accuse them. Yeah, let’s forget about the evidence and base our decisions on your delusional self importance.
Nearly as bizarre is the fact that in the Castro case, the daughter of the accused was actually friendly with one of the victims and went on television to say that she wanted to resume their friendship and have the victim “meet her kids.” Ahh…I think she has more important things on her mind than your feeble attempts to disassociate yourself from your perv asshole father.
You can blame the violence of movies and video games all you want, but that will never answer the most disturbing questions about our fascination with sex, violence and death, combined at their most grotesque.
While this was happening, there were other real news stories that went beyond mere bizarre sex crimes. Do you wanna talk about any of those? Why do that when pervs are perving and semi hot chicks are committing murders?

 

“I have no American Friends”…Maybe Because You’re An Asshole? 4/21/13

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I can’t remember a week that was so violent, I really am glad it’s over. One thing I love about The United States of America, we may have our faults, but we never let the same dog bite us twice, and we tend to really learn from our mistakes (well except for the retarded George W Bush who obviously would have learned something from Vietnam had he not dodged service). Since 9/11 we have stepped up our homeland security game, yes it sucks to have to take your shoes off at the airport, but we have not had another hijacking since.

Within weeks of the 9/11 attacks in 2001, some asshole decided to send Anthrax laced letters to the Senate, so we received all mail sent to politicians outside of the White House or the Capitol, and when some asshole decided to send Ricin laced letters to the White House, coincidentally right after the bombings in Boston, we used the lessons learned and he was caught. But then again, the suspect is an Elvis impersonator from Mississippi, so did you really think it would take that long?

Law enforcement went through the burdensome task of shutting the entire city of Boston down to look for the two assholes, that killed 4 people and injured hundreds by detonating a bomb during the marathon, and they were found. One asshole was killed, and now this surviving suspect will not be questioned by local law enforcement, but face the same Federal interrogators that deal with “high value” targets (can you say “waterboarding?”), so he is in some trouble. Now there is no Federal statute for murder, but there is a convenient new federal charge known as “use of a weapon of mass destruction to kill people,” which just happens to carry the death penalty.

I have a great deal of respect for the ACLU, but they actually got it wrong this time when they expressed “concerns” about Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, whenever he comes to, not being read his Miranda rights. Any first year law student (at least one that actually opened a book) can tell you that first off, unlike what you see on CSI, Miranda rights do not have to be read to you upon arrest. They are reserved for questioning. That notwithstanding, the police can actually question you at anytime, regardless of the “public safety” exception. The difference being that any information the police get during that questioning simply must be supressed should a trial occur.

So there is no law that says the police cannot question you without reading you your rights, the law is that should they fail to read you your rights, question you, and you foolishly decide to answer, then those statements cannot be used against you. It should be noted that once the suspect demands an attorney, then all questioning must stop. Now, given the fact that a public defender has already been assigned this case, all of this could actually be a mute point, but the ACLU, whose heart I’m sure is in the right place, got the spirit of the law wrong.

Then there was that expolsion in Texas that killed 14 people that is being treated as a crimce scene, and while you were on facebook sending your “thoughts and prayers,” due to these incidents, do you know what The House of Representatives did?  They took advantage of a clearly distracted public to pass CISPA. If signed into law, CISPA would make it legal for websites to give your personal information to the U.S. government without your permission. Not to be outdone, the Senate decided not to listen to 90% of the people that elected them and struck down a law that would require background checks for gun buyers. Nice.

SPORTS & THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Even now, I stand by my statement that the only way I would ever root for the Boston Red Sox is if they are playing against a team fielded by Al-Qaeda. But for the FCC to come out and say that they could have fined David Ortiz for saying that “this is our fucking city” over the Fenway Park PA while giving a speech during the opening of the Red Sox first home game since the Boston Marathon tragedy is just fucking stupid. Clearly Ortiz was emotional and had every reason to be, so if the F-word is dropped, how about you Feds just lighten the fuck up?

Hey FCC…Fuck You!

Who is more dangerous? Barbie or Lil' Kim? 4/12/13

“I wasn’t lucky, I deserved it.”

“To wear your heart on your sleeve isn’t a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where it functions best.”

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t”

-          Margaret Thatcher 1925-2013

I chose to acknowledge that I didn’t always agree with this woman historically, but to remember her fondly.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Am I the only one that is aware that there is no possible way that North Korea can actually hit the United States with a missile? Sure we have to protect our allies in the region but can we tone the rhetoric down just a bit? I mean what did Dennis Rodman do over there? Did he teabag Lil’ Kim while he was taking a power nap?

Look, the North Korean missile program is about as advanced as the Russian system…in 1963. Seriously I have a better chance of hitting the Pentagon with a bottle rocket from my roof in New York than these nit wit North Koreans do. If they were even to fuel a missile we would know about it, which is why I cannot understand why they are taking such a hard stance. This little runt Kim Jong Un is obviously owned by the military and is being advised very badly, and dangerously. And one more thing, I see pictures of this little guy every day on CNN and all I can ask myself is, “what the fuck is he always looking at?”

I am also a bit surprised that China has not taken more visible steps to keep these maniacs in line. The last thing they want is increased involvement in the region by the United States, which is precisely what will happen if North Korea threatens to further destabilize the region. I guess they are too busy dealing with that new strand of bird flu, but they better keep their friends in line.

SPORTS

So as I correctly predicted, Louisville won the National Championship, solidifying an already pretty impressive bracket this year by me, and beating my rival President Barack Obama.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Have you heard of this Mexico Barbie? I’m serious, in order to appease, well I have no fucking idea really, that growing segment of the Latino population that plays with American Barbie dolls? Mattel has decided to create a slightly darker version of the doll whose accessories include,  and I’m not making this up, a ruffled party dress, a fucking Chihuahua and a passport; yeah, a passport, just in case she tries to cross the border illegally.

The website MamásLatinas, an online community for Latina women and mothers, said it was jarring to see Mexico Barbie with a passport, given the politically charged discussions of immigration politics in the United States. Really? Ok if this organization is to be taken seriously, shouldn’t they think about maybe changing that name? I’m sure that they mean to embody strong Latino parents, but some of us see that name and think “internet porn.”

As for the doll, I really think that this organization needs to find something better to complain about. Not that it isn’t painfully obvious that the geniuses at Mattel have no idea how to gauge the immigration debate in this country, but what do expect from these out of touch morons whose only contact with our population is to learn a few Spanish words so they can communicate with the help? I think if this were really meant to really offend it would have a pregnant Mexican Barbie, half the size of regular Barbie with six screaming little fat kids, a few tacos, an EBT card, and a baby carriage as accessories.

Opening Day? Well, Maybe If Naked Cheerleaders Are Involved... 3/29/13

Look, I’ve been busy ok? Not to mention the fact that none of you so called “loyal” readers even bothered to vote for me to be the new Pope, so forgive me if I’m a bit testy.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I always wondered why gays would ever want to get married. I always love quoting one of my favorite gays, John Waters when he says “I thought one of the best things about being gay was supposed to be that you never had to join the Army or get married.” I guess times have changed. The Supreme Court this week is hearing arguments against the Defense of Marriage Act passed in California that defines a marriage as between a man and a woman.
Look, I’m not about to get into a debate on anyone’s morality, I will not even address the fact that public sentiment has dramatically shifted in favor of striking this act down, but let me tell you why the Defense of Marriage Act will be and should be overturned…Legally, there is no argument, Constitutional or otherwise (this means YOU Justice Scalia), that can defend the notion that two consenting adults cannot enter into a legally binding contract. 

When did North Korea get so pissed off at South Korea all of a sudden? Did that “Gangnam Style” guy sneak across the border?

SPORTS

So how’s your bracket? Believe it or not I am actually doing better than President Barack Obama this year, so that’s good.

If the Yankees get any more injuries, they are going to have to play Opening Day from a rehab center instead of Yankee Stadium. Now, I have been a Yankee fan my entire life as you all well know. My adult years have all been spoiled and self-entitled because the Yankees have been winning so much since 1996, that I really don’t know how I am going to deal with this obvious difficult transition.

The one thing that Hal and Hank Steinbrenner (is it me or does Hank remind you of John Wayne having a stroke?) do not seem to understand is that you cannot buy your way out of this situation. Just look at what their father did in the 1980’s. He threw millions of dollars at free agents but never won a championship.

Yes the Yankees of the 1990’s and today had a heavy payroll, but it was not a totally bloated payroll, as the players produced wins, and, the team for the most part was built, not bought. Yes there were a few key free agents sprinked here and there, but the core of the team, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada, Andy Pettitte, Bernie Williams, and today Robinson Cano, were all home grown Yankees. That is something that is sorely lacking in the farm system of today. Not that there are no good prospects, there is just not anyone that good, already developed, coming down the pipe. So Yankee fans, let’s manage this decline as best we can.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Ahh yes Alaska, the same progressives that brought us Sarah Palin, has now given us yet another genius. Rep. Don Young, Republican Congressman from Alaska was doing a radio interview where he waxed poetic about the good ol' days..." My father had a ranch; we used to have 50-60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes...it takes two people to pick the same tomatoes now. It's all done by machine." He was discussing the number of jobs that have since been gone due to advances in automation. Something must be in those Moose burgers that is making everyone up there so loopy. This little interview should really help Republicans with that whole "reaching out to minorities" thing.

 

 

A State of Many Unions 2/14/13

LIFE LESSON LEARNED # 232: When a girl is waxing poetic about how incredibly hot you get her, it is never wise to respond with “Well yeah, it’s a gift.”

So the State of The Union had some interesting moments didn’t it? Certainly more interesting then the Grammys. Barack Obama once again laid out a clear agenda on foreign policy, energy independence, humanity and fiscal responsibility, or as the Republicans call it, “a pinko-commie homosexual conspiracy.”

Do you think that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has OCD? What’s with the black gloves?

Obama took 27 minutes to mention climate change, about the same amount of time it takes for another iceberg off the coast of Norway to melt. Yes, Obama actually mentioned scientific facts, or as Rick Perry likes to call it, he was “God-hatin’.” You know the best thing about science? It’s that it is true whether you believe it or not. Neil Degrasse-Tyson said that.

Why was it that Senator Al Franken was the only one in the room that had a suit on that seemed to be bought in this century? Hey, everyone else…why not use some of that PAC money to shop at a place other than JC Penney?

It was nice to see Obama mention that illegal border crossings are the lowest that they have been in 40 years, I guess one could call it a testament to the fine skills of the US Border Patrol and the intimidating wall we are building, or it could just be that no one wants to come here illegally anymore because the economy sucks so badly.
I am still fascinated by how Republicans can still get people to vote against their own interests. How any woman, gay or minority person can stand in the same frontline as these Neanderthals is beyond me. Obama laid out a clear position on equal pay for both genders and was met with thunderous applause, except for woman Republicans. Really? OK go ahead and cheer loudly for those who choose to keep you as a second-class citizen.
I loved how Obama, even though he won his second term, is still concerned with making sure that everyone gets a chance to vote. Denouncing this generation’s Jim Crow law of forcing one particular Identification source on those who can’t afford it, and keeping the voting lines long on purpose in impoverished, minority, voting districts will send a clear message to certain states that the Civil War is over.

But the most poignant moment of the speech was when he invoked the memory of those children who have been lost to gun violence. For a guy that is not particularly known for his warmth, Obama finally reached Americans on an emotional level, and it was real. Yes having Hadiya Pendelton’s parents sitting with the First Lady seemed a bit politically contrived, but it does not mean that the result is not the best thing for the nation. As usual, asshole Newt Gingrich was on CNN after the speech saying that Obama should have addressed gang violence in his speech, ignoring the fact that it wasn’t a gang that killed those children in Sandy Hook.

And speaking of after the State of the Union, how was that Republican response, huh? Did I hear that brain tumor Marco Rubio say that under Obama Federal spending has actually gone up? Is he fucking serious? Well, I guess since Republicans have decided to reject science why not reject arithmetic as well?

SPORTS & THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I have decided to combine the two after hearing that the International Olympic Committee is going to drop wrestling from the Summer Games. Why would they do that and still keep synchronized swimming? Wrestling has been a part of the Olympics since their inception thousands of years ago, and since the beginning of the modern Olympic era as well. I can think about ten events no one gives a shit about that should go away (can you say “ballroom dancing?”) before one of the most historically significant events should get the boot.