The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards: Part II

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

QUOTE OF THE YEAR –  "There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what ... who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims. ... These are people who pay no income tax. ... and so my job is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives." Thank you, Mitt Romney. This shining beacon of an example of how totally and completely out of touch with humanity you actually are pretty much got Barack Obama another four years in the White House.  

                                                            

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “Oliver Stone’s Untold History of the United States” Kinda like a Mac vs. a PC, Showtime Original Series’ are not nearly as popular as those shown on HBO, but they certainly are better. Whether it’s Homeland, Dexter (which I don’t watch but I hear is good) or Californication (which I do watch because everyone thinks Hank Moody is me in 15 years) this is yet another example of a visionary show. Sure it’s biased, but that doesn’t mean he is lying. It should be noted that I really wanted to give this award to Aaron Sorkin’s “The Newsroom,” but even I have to be somewhat objective sometimes, right?

MOTHER OF THE YEAR – I hate to speak ill of the dead, and I will not get into a debate over the second amendment, but any liberal who thinks they are going to magically get rid of the already 300 million guns already in the hands of the public is just as delusional as the Republican nitwits who believe that illegal immigrants will practice “self-deportation,” or that more guns in schools would have kept the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut from happening.

Clearly, the current gun laws on the books in Connecticut could not and, more importantly, did not prevent what occurred in Sandy Hook, and yes it is time to have a serious debate about guns on a national level, but there is one issue I would like to add to that debate that has yet to be discussed, and that is proper gun storage. You can talk about banning, regulating and registering all you want, but why is no one discussing how these guns are stored? Why not have laws that specify address how a gun is to be stored and if a tragedy ensues similar to the one that killed 20 children and 6 adults in a school, we hold accountable not only the animal who did this, but the person that allowed him access to the guns in the first place. Now in this particular case, the person responsible for improper storage of, not one, but five firearms is also dead, killed by her own recklessness, so once again, maybe it’s time to add this issue to the debate.

This woman had to have known her son had mental problems, so how could she justify storing guns so poorly as to give a mentally unstable person access to them?  The only good news is that she certainly won’t be making the same mistake again. So Nancy Lanza, for being irresponsible with firearms, for not having the insight to gauge the level of crazy inside your own child, and contributing to the death of 26 innocent people, this award is for you.

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Newt Gingrich. Even if for nothing more than this ridiculous quote calling Barack Obama “the best food stamp President in American history.” Needless to say he was trying to appeal to old white people who associate people of color with government aid. Never mind the fact that “food stamps” per se, no longer exist, and that 24% of government aid recipients are white. Add to that the inconvenient truth that the so called “Red States” in the southern Untied States - you know, the ones that are constantly railing against government intervention, are the ones who rely the most on government aid.

PERSON OF THE YEAR -  Malala Yousufzai. I like to think that I’m brave when I write, because I never censor myself and although I have had a few offers, I refuse to have any corporate sponsors on my blog (that might change of course, but let me consider myself brave now!). I cannot however, even begin to approach the strength of this 14 year old Pakistani girl, who wrote her own blog advocating education for young women in her country.

In America, it is very easy to express your opinion, not because we have the First Amendment to the Constitution, but because we live in a country that may not be the best and brightest anymore, but we are not a totally backwards population either. We are a population that is still, for the most part, advanced enough to realize that ideas, even when we disagree with them, should never cause the immediate fear of losing your life.

It should be noted that nothing that Malala wrote was ever banned by the Pakistani government, so it was not a Constitutional amendment that was needed to protect her, but a more advanced society, which unfortunately, she does not live in.

Time magazine picked Barack Obama as their Person of the Year. I happen to think he is a great man, but Time got it wrong. Obama, as I wrote last week, has had to face odds that no other man in the history of the United States Presidency has had to face, but these difficulties never came from a place where he had to fight for what Malala had to fight for, and he does have an entire Secret Service dedicated to protecting him.

As this incredible young lady is recovering from a gunshot wound to the head, let us remember that she had the courage to express a view that at any time could have gotten her killed by the backward Neanderthals surrounding her, and it nearly did. She didn’t fight the Taliban with the help of SEAL Team Six or drones, but just her mind and a computer. That’s more than I’ve ever done, so she is my hero this year.    

POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – The first 3-time winner of this award, Barack Obama certainly does deserve it and for many reasons, just read “The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2012: Part I”

FELONY CONVICTION OF THE YEAR – Jerry Sandusky. 30 to 60 years in prison. I will not even get into what this fucking asshole is convicted for, but even in jail he has the nerve to say that he should be allowed more accommodations. Why isn’t he thanking the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania for not putting him in with the hardened criminals that just love to share common areas in prison with convicted child molesters? He would not last a week.

OVERUSED PHRASE OF THE YEAR – “Fiscal Cliff”

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Moonrise Kingdom” Everything about this movie was great, and I’m not just saying that because I’ve missed Wes Anderson for the past five years. Bill Murray was his usually subtle yet hysterically funny self, but this performance will no doubt be overlooked because he will probably get an Oscar nomination for his brilliant portrayal of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt in “Hyde Park on Hudson.” Speaking of which…

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR – Bill Murray for “Moonrise Kingdom,” “A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III,” and “Hyde Park on Hudson”

COOLEST MOVIE WITH SOMEWHAT FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT THAT YOU STILL DIDN’T SEE BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE – “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World.” I actually think I had the best time at the movies this year watching this one.  

ALBUM OF THE YEAR –  “The North”/Stars. In an era that is without a doubt the worst in popular music history, where musically irrelevant drivel dominates the pop charts, I am forced to rely on word of mouth and underground indie music to hear anything that won’t make my head explode.

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT – “Lover Alot” / Aerosmith. Any criticism hurled at this band with regards to its current state is somewhat deserved, I get it. Despite the fact that Steven Tyler soiled his street cred by being a judge on American Idol, this song is vintage Aerosmith. 

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “I Love It”/ Icona Pop. The name of this band pretty much literates everything I would hate in a band, but I have to admit this is a catchy song, particularly when the singer calls herself a “90’s Bitch.” Those Swedes sure are funny.

COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR –  Japandroids. I have to admit, indie pop has been Canada’s best export since Rush and maple syrup. Yes our neighbors to the north should be held accountable for infesting the music world with the toxic waste noise pollution that is Avril Lavgine, Three Days Grace and Nickelback (and I won’t even mention Celine Dion). But for every one of these acts, there is an Arcade Fire, Metric, Stars and this band. Then there is the fact that if you look these guys up, all that noise is actually coming from only two guys.

ONE HIT WONDER THAT I REALLY HOPE STAYS AWAY AFTER IT FINALLY GOES AWAY – “Gangnam Style”/Psy. Words can’t express how much this disturbs me, mostly because I have seen the video like 100 times, and I can’t stop. Someone help me. Please. I know that if you just stop talking about it, maybe I will stop watching it. Ok Well, maybe just one more time, but I’m not gonna like it. Honorable mention goes out to Carly Rae Jepsen and that hateful “Call Me Maybe” song, which makes me want to go on a three state killing spree.

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The Baylor Lady Bears. Winning 40 games in a row on their way to an undefeated season and their first National Championship was made considerably easier when you have Britnney Griner at center, but they still need 11 other girls to do it, so this year’s most interesting sports team was the Baylor Lady Bears. Honorable mention should go to the New York Giants for winning the Super Bowl after underachieving all season.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR –  Maybe it was the record, maybe it was the fact that no one had done it on over 40 years, and maybe it’s because of our American fascination with records and numbers, but Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers really did keep me watching baseball scores and updates for the entire second half of the baseball season. Honorable mention goes out to (Sorry Knick fans) Jeremy Lin, for single-handedly doing what not one, but two $100 million players could not do…make the New York Knicks interesting again. And he is proving that he was not a one-hit wonder, as he is thriving with the Houston Rockets and already beat the Knicks I believe…

OVER-RATED ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – When you talk about over rated athletes, sometimes you really do have to acknowledge that they don’t actually rate themselves, so over –rating really isn’t totally the fault of the athlete is it? Well, unless you are Terrell Owens.

For the record, I just wanna say, like everyone else, that I really like this guy. One thing I will not say is that he is not an NFL Quarterback, considering that he won a playoff game, but Tim Tebow is getting way over-hyped and he has not done anything this year. Maybe over-hyped is a more fitting phrase than over-rated. He is not self-promoting and he is not the one asking for attention, he is just getting it and given his lack of production this season, getting it undeservedly. This is not Tim Tebow’s fault, but I would like to not hear about him so much until he actually does something on the field. And congratulations to the New York Jets, for the second year in a row one of their quarterbacks has won this award.

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE –  First, let me eat some crow…Last year, this award went to former Indianapolis Colts and now current Denver Bronco’s Quarterback, Payton Manning.  With his team winning their division and Manning having an MVP level season, it is clear that I was wrong on this one. Here is what I wrote, painful as it is to read…

 “this is gonna be a tough one because the man can still play and I am convinced that he will play in 2012, but Payton Manning will not play at the level he once did…there is no possible way he will be who he was before his neck injury. They will absolutely draft Andrew Luck with the 1^st pick in the NFL Draft next year, so why prolong the obvious? Why create a Brett Favre/Aaron Rodgers or Joe Montana/Steve Young situation when you don’t have to? Manning has done so much in his career, he really has nothing left to prove, which means he thinks he still has something to prove. I don’t think I wanna watch him next year because I’d like to remember him as great as he was before his injury.”

I will say in my defense however, I did correctly predict that Manning would still play, that the Colts would dump him and draft Andrew Luck, which is just what they did. Ironically enough, they could actually meet in the playoffs.

This year however, I don’t think I’m wrong, and it really is time for Miguel Cotto to hang up his gloves before he gets hurt. Not that he can’t still fight, but he is getting hit way too much and that won’t add any years to his career or more importantly, his life.

RACIST OF THE YEAR – He is that uncle who sits in the corner at every family reunion while the rest of us whisper “maybe it’s time to put him in a home.” This award is going to Ron Paul not for any one thing he has said or done this year, but like a lifetime achievement award, he is getting it for a collective body of work. Let’s revisit some of his gems shall we?

“Immigrants can spread diseases for which we may have no immunity. There is also the question of crime and culture. Many immigrants come from countries with different legal structures and are not willing to behave in the way we expect American citizens to behave.”

“I wouldn’t vote against getting rid of the Jim Crow laws.” -When asked if he would have voted for the Civil Rights Act.

“There is no such thing as a hate crime.”

Here is hoping that he changes his mind before he changes his Depends Adult Diapers.

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – As sad and monumental a loss as is Ravi Shankar’s death to the world of music, Gore Vidal, Adam Yauch, Neil Armstrong and Mike Wallace were also significant losses suffered this year. I don’t really care about Whitney Houston, but I am a bit appalled that it only took her fame hungry family two seconds to get their own reality show whilst this woman was still warm in her grave.

But coming in just under the wire has to be the greatest military commander of the last 50 years, General Norman Schwarzkopf, the architect of Desert Storm 1991. “Stormin’ Norman” as he was called, had the foresight to work out a plan that soundly defeated the enemy, which in this case was the battle tested Iraqi army, the fourth largest military in the world, without committing US forces any more than he had to. This resulted in total victory with minimal casualties. History that was clearly lost when George W Bush, the only US president with Down syndrome went back to Iraq some 13 years later. 

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!

The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2012: Part I

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR:  The Jackie Robinson of American Politics

In the 1940’s, the then Brooklyn Dodgers were own by a man named Walter O’Malley, but were run by one of the greatest, most visionary sports executives of all time, Branch Rickey. As early as 1943, he had quietly convinced the Dodgers organization to allow him to search for the “right man.” That is, the man who would become the first black baseball player in the Major Leagues. Although there was not an official statute banning blacks, it was understood that the game was not to be integrated. Rickey was fixing to end that.

The list included many great players, including two eventual Hall of Famers in Satchel Paige and Josh Gibson. Instead, they went with the first 4 letter athlete in the history of UCLA. A man who would have followed his brother Mack’s footsteps on the United States track team had World War II not cancelled the 1940 Olympics. That man was Jack Roosevelt Robinson.

As the story goes, Rickey, a devout Christian who never cursed in his life, sat Jackie in his office and told him that if he were to take the job, he would have every insult in the book thrown at him, and proceeded to repeat them all, no matter how vulgar, hateful or racist. He then made Jackie a deal: “If you promise not to fight back for three years, then this job is yours.” Jackie thought about it for a long time then replied “Mr. Rickey, you will have no problem from me.” As the legend goes, Rickey later said that had Jackie Robinson agreed immediately and without thinking, Rickey never would have hired him for this task.

But you see, what made Jackie Robinson perfect for this job was that he understood the bigger picture, and what this meant for all blacks. He knew that as the first black man to do anything, he was representing all blacks whether he liked it or not. And he knew that his failure would be the failure of every black kid who ever dreamed of one day playing in the Major Leagues. If he slipped up once, just once, this great experiment would fail and no other black athlete would ever be asked to play in the big leagues again. Can you imagine the burden he carried those first years?

Needless to say, the initial treatment was horrifying. The fans in visiting stadiums hurled insults at him, threw things at him from the stands, threw a black cat on the field, and called him every sort of name. All without a response from Jackie. The players on those opposing teams were no better. He was routinely thrown at, and once while covering first base, was spiked in the thigh by a player barreling into first base who was clearly out by a mile. But again, Jackie took these things in stride because he knew what his being there meant. He knew that he had to be not just good, but better than everyone around him. He knew the World was watching. It was this attitude of passive resistance that even won him the admiration of his initially skeptical teammates, often yelling “Let’s see you pick on someone who can fight back!” to the other dugout.    

Now, when the three years were up, Jackie began fighting back, and when he did, no one questioned his right to do so, which was as it should be. Needless to day, he went on to play in the Major Leagues for 9 years and compiled a Hall of Fame career.

Fast forward to our generation’s “great experiment,” that is, electing the first black President of the United States. In his first term, he has had to endure the most petty, hostile congress in the past 100 years, questions about his religion, agenda, even whether or not he was actually born in the United States; Things that no president has ever in the history of the office has had to endure. Ummm…I wonder what's different about him? Needless to say, President Barack Obama must have passed the test, because he was re-elected by a wider margin than that buffoon George W Bush was in 2004. Would you believe that idiot had the nerve to call his re-election a mandate for his sub-moronic agenda?

Now that his three “Jackie Robinson” years are up, I really hope that the next time Jan Brewer, that ignoramus governor of Arizona wags her finger in Obama’s face, he reminds her that he is the President of the United States, and maybe they didn’t teach respect for that office at Glendale Community College like they did at Harvard, but if she ever puts her finger in his face again, he will have her killed. When Donald Trump questions his birthplace, Obama should remind him that Hawaii is a state in the Union, rich in enough tropical fruit to feed that squirrel living on Trump’s head for the rest of its natural life. In short, I want him to fight back.

Now to his credit, Obama is showing some balls by not allowing Republican obstructionists to keep taxes down for the richest Americans, and he FINALLY spoke out on the subject of gun control, albeit at an immeasurable cost. I want him to fight for the things and for the people he said he would, and I want him to respond when he is criticized by those who lack any reason, intelligence or sense of humanity, and when he does, I want him to question their reason, intelligence and sense of humanity.
Look, I am fully aware that this country has suffered a horrific tragedy, but I don't want that to be the story of the year as much as the re-election of the only candidate who is willing to finally stand up to the gun lobby so that things like this never happen again.

 

Some Random Christmas Thoughts 12/14/12

An ex-girlfriend was struggling with what to get me for Christmas so I just said “Take me to Home Depot, I want to buy a tool box and I need some things.” “OK” she said, “but are you sure that’s what you want? It doesn’t really seem like a gift.” To which I replied, “Hon, imagine someone buying you a big red metal box then filling it with shoes.” “Ahhhhh…OK”

Does anyone remember Gimble’s? For those of you who are not native New Yorkers or were too young to remember, it’s where the Manhattan Mall is now. Across the street on the corner of 32^nd and 6^th was a small counter café  known as Leo’s. Those were some of the best hot dogs in New York City. I’m serious; they were right up there with Nathan’s in Coney Island and Yankee Stadium.

One of my earliest Christmas memories was riding the subway with my mom on our way to Santaland at Macy’s, then to the enormous holiday section at Gimble’s, then to Leo’s. Two of those three places are gone, but not forgotten. How can they be? I’m a grown man and I still go to Santaland every year. It still has the same meaning for me as it did when I was a kid, except for that one year when I hit on one of his Elves. Those outfits can leave little to the imagination if not properly monitored!

I was not the happiest person during the middle of the previous decade, but I was home long enough to go to the Bronx Zoo one night during Christmas time to see the light display. I was taken there by one of the best friends I’ve ever had; someone who knew how unhappy I was at the time, and wanted to do something about it. There’s something that should be on everyone’s Christmas wish list, a friend like Y.A.

 Christmas cookies and the Albert Finney version of the Charles Dickens story…all becomes right with the world.

Greatest Store Window? Well it really depends on the year and who decides to do what. I am always partial to Macy’s, and this year’s window is a clear winner, but Sak’s Fifth Avenue has had some classics as well, particularly 1998 (don’t really know why I remember that one, but I do).  

The Vince Guaraldi Trio doing “A Charlie Brown Christmas”…all becomes right with the world.

The smell of chestnuts roasting from the vendor’s carriages, bells ringing, strangers saying Merry Christmas to each other, like two ladies said to me yesterday on 5^th Avenue, stores decorated, the light display at Grand Central Terminal, and what else? Well that’s up to you! Make some Christmas memories already!

New York is without a doubt, the greatest city in the world to spend Christmas in. No one ever wrote a song or made a movie about Christmas in Boise, Idaho or Mudville, Arkansas right?

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Tail 11/15/12

This country became weaker last week after the abrupt resignation of CIA Director and Airborne Ranger General David Petraeus. For those of you who have still not been able to put your head around this thing, let me give you the short version: After an outstanding military career that most soldiers would die for that made him the most significant US General since George S.Patton, General Petraeus decided to participate in the writing of his biography. After looking back at his life and finally realizing how cool he was, he became drunk with the adulation and decided it would be OK to poke his biographer and fellow West Point grad, Paula Broadwell which he proceeded to do in a swift, proficient, military manner.

Now, the General was also friends with socialite and military groupie Jill Kelley, who for the record, is pretty hot for a woman her age. She kinda looks like a less white trash version of Kim Kardashian’s mom. Broadwell found out about the friendship and much like boneheaded high school kids, Broadwell sent threatening e-mails to Kelley telling her to stay away from her man, Kelley told the Dean (in this case, the FBI) who was so into Kelley that the agent in charge sent her a shirtless picture, and in the process of investigating Broadwell, found e-mails from Gen Petraeus exposing their affair.

In looking at Kelley’s e-mails, investigators found messages from General John Allen, who now has his promotion pushed back due to his many e-mails to Kelley. Yeah, all this shit because of e-mails.

Is Petraeus a flawed man? Obviously. Is this bullshit worth resigning over? Of course not. Which is why President Barack Obama didn’t accept his resignation at first, then reluctantly did so, so that this wouldn’t be a further distraction.

Now, as much as I really hate anyone having to lose their job over who they are sleeping with, there are genuine questions that need to be addressed. The first being the comments made by Broadwell after the September 11, 2012 attacks on our embassy in Bengazi, Libya. She said that the attacks might have been due to the prisoners that might have been detained there. News to all of us I’m sure, and if the Director of the CIA is giving away classified information during pillow talk then yeah, he is unfit to run the CIA. The next question is, if he can’t even keep his own extra curricular activities quiet, how the hell can he possibly run a spy agency?

Then there is of course, the right wing sore losers who want to make Petraeus’ zipper problem the fault of Barack Obama. Today Senator John McCain, who lost to Obama is 2008, held a press conference “demanding answers” as to what Obama knew and didn’t know about Bengazi, even bringing up the debate with Mitt Romney where Obama thrashed him (Dude you still mad, bro?). I wonder what “answers” John McCain was “demanding” from the President when George W Bush was allowing blatant war profiteering to go on during an illegal and immoral war waged under false pretenses that cost thousands of American lives?

Seriously do we still have to have this debate in 2012 about how what a man does in his private life does not affect his professional one? Have we forgotten that Thomas Jefferson managed to write a Declaration of Independence while banging Sally Hemings? That Franklin D. Roosevelt got us out of a depression and won a war while having a mistress…and he was in a wheelchair! And John F Kennedy…well…

Now, it is certainly understandable that an affair would leave the CIA director open to blackmail, but it’s a Catch -22 isn’t it? If no one cares, then it’s a mute point. Do you think that someone like George Clooney is open to blackmail because he bangs anything that moves? Exactly! And he is actually good looking. Let’s stop making such an effort to look stupid. Right now, the rest of the world that is not populated by Puritanical hypocrites is once again, laughing at us.

 

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Our overwhelming obsession with minutia, and our willingness to allow it to destroy great men.

The 4 Stages of Grief For Rich White Folks 11/8/12

There were a lot of happy people on Tuesday night at around 11:16 pm when CNN officially projected that Barack Obama would be re-elected for a second term. I don’t know if I was as “happy” as I was relieved that at least for the next four years, our country will not be run by a party that seems to be devoid of intelligence, reason and humanity.

There is one very important thing that I hope everyone takes away from this last election, and that is that this country has a fringe but vocal group of politicians that seem to want to re-argue things that were settled years ago. Issues like a woman’s right to choose, civil rights for all citizens regardless of who they love, equal pay for equal work. This is reminiscent of the same assholes that still wanted to fight the Civil War even after it was already decided. I have no idea what amount of fear, racism, sexism, and overall ignorance motivates these people, but they are beginning to scare me, in the year 2012.

As far as election coverage goes, NBC was the first to call the election for Barack Obama, a risky move but ultimately the right call. CNN provided the most solid and steady coverage as they patiently and objectively made their projections (not wanting a repeat of the gun-jumping of 2000 obviously). And then there is FOX News, who showed us all how to go through the four stages of grief on national television. But the most entertaining coverage was without a doubt and by far, ABC and an obviously tipsy Diane Sawyer. Sure you can say she was tired, but I would rather believe that George Stephanopoulos spiked her Starbuck’s in celebration.

Then there are of course, the election night traditions: Robot Mitt Romney effectively ended his political career by giving a short concession speech, Barack Obama came out to wild cheers and once again attempted to be as conciliatory as any reasonable man can to the wing nut yahoos that are currently holding the Republican Party hostage. And what election would be complete without controversy in Florida? First, in Miami-Dade county, a long line turned into a 1960’s protest when Republican Mayor Carlos Gimenez ordered operations to shut down with 180 people in line and two hours to go because he thought the line was too long. Ummm, isn’t that the idea? It was only after residents who refused to leave broke out their cameraphones and started chanting "Let us vote!" while banging on the department's locked front door that voting was allowed to continue.

And even now, two days after the election and Florida has still not been decided. It’s kinda like the homely smart chick that gets no attention from anyone until midterm exam time, then all of a sudden she is the most popular chick since Rachel McAdams in “Mean Girls.” I guess since they cancelled “Miami Vice” Florida is still starving for national attention.

In a considerably more progressive move, two states in the nation decided that they no longer wanted to live in the 1920’s Prohibition Era (because we all know how great that worked out). Colorado and Washington State passed laws that legalized the only so called “drug” that in the history of humanity has yet to kill anyone – Marijuana. In a related story, the age of consent is Washington State is 16. Two words: ROAD TRIP!

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Well just the fact that we re-elected the man that killed Osama bin Laden should be enough…

To Me, Sandy is Just a Bitter Ex-Girlfriend 11/2/12

For someone who has been criticized for staying in the hood even after being able to leave, I have to say that a lot of million dollar homes had no power or water during the storm, but all I felt was a lot of wind and rain. So how are those high property taxes working for ya, rich folks?

It was nice to see New Jersey Governor and meatball impressionist Chris Christie actually show some objective sense and praise President Obama for his handling of the relief efforts after Hurricane Sandy devastated his state. It’s incredible how silent Obama’s detractors have been. Mitt Romney decided to give out supplies from his luxury bus, but was no where near the areas hardest hit by the storm. God forbid his highness should even look at an area with no electricity, it might traumatize him for life. What’s next? Having to stand next to, or touch poor people? 

Seriously could Mitt Romney possibly be a worse choice for President? Forget about the fact that this is a man that seems to have functioning eyes and ears yet still denies global warming, could you imagine what New York and New Jersey would look like a few weeks from now if the asshole that said, “We can’t afford Federal Disaster relief” were president right now?
Cynics say that Governor Christie is only warming up to the President because he is up for re-election next year and wants to appear bi-partisan, I say go and visit the effected areas before you decide you want to politicize a natural disaster.

Having said that, I’m sure that there were hundreds of thousands of New Orleans residents that are happy for those of us in the Northeast in that unlike when Hurricane Katrina hit, we don’t have a President with Down syndrome. I say Down syndrome when referring to George W Bush’s intelligence level because I will no longer be using the word “retard” to describe him.

Even thought it is the label that most fits, a bright young man and Special Olympics Athlete by the name of John Franklin Stephens has convinced me that it really is a derogatory and offensive word and it does really hurt those suffering from mental illness, regardless of how it is used. Now do I usually give a shit about offending anyone? Of course not! But what I will not do is offend those who are without a choice, or who are just easy to pick on. That’s just a bully, and I hate bullies, just ask the kid whose face I smashed into a wall when I was in 8^th grade.   

And speaking of bullies, let’s talk about Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter! Apparently she got the attention of Mr. Stephens because she tweeted the word “retard” to describe President Obama. An odd choice of words considering she backed one for president in both 2000 and 2004, not to mention the fact that Obama is considerably more educated than she will ever be. I actually feel bad for Ann Coulter, she actually has to defend the massive foot she keeps firmly thrusting into her mouth. Maybe it’s time for a sex toy?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Just in case you don’t believe in God, consider this…The town where that ridiculous, mind numbing “Jersey Shore” show was shot, has now been washed away into the sea by this storm. I don’t know about you, but where Teabagger assholes see in this storm a sign from God that we should not support gay marriage, I see a sign from God saying that we should start reading more books!

Someone Just Lost Big Bird's Endorsement 10/4/12

 NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Yes, I think we all know that Mitt Romney was born with a silver foot in his mouth, but he did manage to pry it out long enough to have a pretty good debate last night. Barack Obama, really did look like he’d rather be somewhere else, maybe it’s because he has made every point possible to try and get the public to see the facts and they just refuse to. There were so many things that he could have called Romney out on, but he somehow refused to.

The good news is that people tend to fact check after a debate, and that’s where Romney will fall short. Cut PBS funding? Really? Big Bird should fly over your house and take a crap! How is cutting 0.012% of the budget going to fix the budget crisis? That’s like eating one grape then saying that you cleaned out your refrigerator. What an asshole!

Now look, anyone who follows politics knows that the challenger always looks good in the first debate, just because he is the new guy, but there is no reason for Romney to have looked that good unless the President was disinterested, and clearly he was. It’s kinda like the biggest kid on the block letting the smallest kid hit him a few times because he really isn’t feeling a thing.

Romney talked a lot about what he wanted to do, but said absolutely nothing specific about how he was going to do it, and no one seemed to care. There are a few consolations, the first being that it will never get that good for Romney again. Obama might have been a bit indifferent, but he is not a stupid man, and he has yet to let the same dog bite him twice, believe me, next debate he will bring it Chicago style.  

Yes I know the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominees came out this week, and yes I have a strong opinion, but I will reserve it until it gets closer to ceremony time.

SPORTS

Boxer Orlando Cruz revealed that he is gay. Let me tell you something about courage. Courage is not Jon Ameche, a perennial bench warmer in the NBA coming out as he is plugging a book, decades after his career is over. Courage is a guy in a totally individual, extremely macho (for lack of a better word) sport like boxing, coming out in the prime of his career, where his announcement could cost him a fortune, especially if he was thinking about an endorsement deal with Chick-Fil-A! I admire this man, and I wish him well.

The seasons change and a slight chill cuts through the early autumn air. Yes the weather is changing, the days are getting shorter, the air is getting colder. As wonderful as hot cider, or your mom’s homemade soup, the Yankees beating the Red Sox senseless in October always gives me the warmest of feelings inside. Them winning the American League East, is also as familiar as an old quilt.

Congratulations to the man I am on record as saying that the Yankees should have signed in 2007 instead of matching Alex Rodriguez’ restricted free agent offer, Miguel Cabrera, for winning baseball’s offensive Triple Crown. Leading the League in batting average, homeruns and RBI’s, Cabrera is no doubt the American League MVP. Please stop saying its Mike Trout ok? He’s the rookie of the year.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

How do you know that someone is terrified of their impending divorce? While plugging his new book, Arnold Shwarzenegger admitted to having an affair with Brigette Nielsen. Yeah, the crazy white woman who dated Flava Flav.

In a related story, Justin Bieber read this and proceeded to vomit on stage after not being able to get the mental image of these two fossils banging out of his head.