The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2011

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – When 2011 has blessed me with the eloquent genius that is Michelle Bachmann, how could I possibly choose just one quote, when this woman is clearly the gift that keeps on giving? Now you may ask, “what makes these quotes so special?” And you would be right; had they come from a babbling idiot on a soap box no one would care. But these gems are coming from someone who was actually elected to public office, and is currently running for President of the United States. Her candidacy alone, and the fact that it gained enough steam nationally to catch our attention is more than enough to illustrate the decline of America as an intellectual world power. Just imagine a President, someone who would occupy the office held by Abraham Lincoln, John F Kennedy, Franklin D Roosevelt, instead of the Gettysburg Address or Kennedy’s famed inaugural speech, giving us these classics: 

"But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly -- men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country." - Not to give a history lesson but, the Founding Fathers did not work to end slavery, in fact, many of them actually owned slaves, and John Quincy Adams was not one of the Founding Fathers.

"Before we get started, let's all say 'Happy Birthday' to Elvis Presley today." - South Carolina on what was actually the anniversary of Elvis's death, Aug. 16, 2011 (Elvis was born on January 8)

"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence." – Speaking on the 1976 Swine Flu outbreak that happened when Gerald Ford, a Republican, was president.

"Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas."

"If we took away the minimum wage -- if conceivably it was gone -- we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level."

I’m really gonna miss her when her 15 minutes are up.

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “Homeland” This show kept me waiting to see what happens next for the entire season, not many shows can say that. Not to mention a very satisfying season finale with a really good cliffhanger.

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – Well I have to admit this was quite the year for news junkies. I really can’t pick just one. The killing of Osama Bin Laden, the end of the Iraq war, or maybe Occupy Wall Street just because it started with no real leadership, no direction and yet refused to go away. This is a movement that gained momentum purely on the fact that people were mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore. Now it’s a bit of a different story. Although still very slow moving for a movement, there are now offices, yeah real offices, not a tent in a park, that are being used to do the business of protesting that which people have for too long just decided to put up with. OWS or the OWLS as I like to call them, proved that these banks may be too big to fail, but they are certainly not too big to fight.

They have been quiet for the past few weeks, so I am hoping that the movement is not losing momentum. Incidentally, Time Magazine voted the Protester, whether its Occupy Wall Street or the Arab Spring, as their “Person of the year.” Since I did go down to OWS, this makes it the third time I have won this prestigious award; Once as the American Solider in 2003, then in 2006 as just “Me,” something about the information age, and now in 2011. Not even Josef Stalin can claim that!

MOTHER OF THE YEAR – In a year that gave us Casey Anthony, can it really be anyone else?

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Non- Fiction) – I mostly caught up on classics and books I had not read published years ago, so there is nothing in this category.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Fiction) –  Shit…I just realized I didn’t read any current fiction this year either…sorry!

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Look, any moron that says something stupid could in theory, be considered for this award, but I like to give it to someone who actually did some damage, not just opened their stupid mouths. That’s why I refuse to pick on harmless buffoons like Kim Kardashian or Charlie Sheen. I thought about giving this award to Donald Trump for his birther stance against Barack Obama, for his farcical flirtations with running for the Republican nomination, not to mention his spray tan and combover. But he is actually doing humanity a favor by unwittingly exposing the Republican candidates for the inept incompetent clowns that they are. Ah what the Hell, I’ll give it to him anyway…

POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – Pretty much anyone on the Republican ticket that isn’t a complete maniac. This can only lead to one name, and that is Jon Huntsman. I’m almost afraid to write about this guy because I don’t want him to get too famous. The more famous he gets the more he is noticed by smart people and might actually win the GOP primary election. I award him simply for keeping a straight face during the debates.

FELONY CONVICTION OF THE YEAR – Former “Dancing with the Stars” contestant, House Majority Leader and current ankle bracelet wearer, Tom DeLay was sentenced to three years in prison on money-laundering and conspiracy charges. Although currently out on bail pending appeal, isn’t it only fitting that a man once nicknamed "The Hammer" will eventually be getting just that, and a little extra, by two cellmates named Bubba and Raul?

An honorable mention goes out to Michael Jackson’s personal pharmacist, Dr. Conrad Murray who learned the hard way that you cannot kill a white woman in LA unless you played for USC and your name is OJ.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Midnight In Paris” When I first saw this film I thought that had it not been for Owen Wilson’s annoying presence, this would be Woody Allen’s best film since “Annie Hall.” Everyone thought I was nuts and maybe I over reached just a bit, but this has been Woody Allen’s highest grossing movie ever, and he has made some great films in the past 40 years. Do I let him baby sit? Hell fucking no! But he is a true American artist. Of course they were probably better films this year, most of them clustered together now right before the year ends so that they may be remembered at Oscar time, but I liked this one.

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR - I hate to state the obvious but it has to be George Clooney for “The Ides of March” and The Descendants.” In a year where I managed to see a few movies, those two were great. 

COOLEST MOVIE WITH NO OVERLY FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT – Submarine. Sometimes a quirky movie just sneaks up on you. I can’t even remember why I even snuck in to see this one, but once I sat and started watching it, I couldn’t break away. Maybe I’m just missing Wes Anderson, but I kinda liked this movie.  

DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR – Color Me Obsessed. For those of you who have not seen this film, and given by the amount of hits on its facebook page, that would be pretty much the entire population except me and the filmmakers, this is a film about one of the greatest and most underrated American bands ever, The Replacements. I don’t really know if this is a good documentary or not because I am so into the subject matter that the film making became secondary.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – So Beautiful or So What / Paul Simon. In an era that is without a doubt the worst in popular music history, where musically irrelevant drivel dominates the pop charts, it was refreshing to see someone over the legal drinking age actually make great music that also sold pretty well.  

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT – “Walk” / The Foo Fighters

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Endtapes”/ The Joy Formidable. Why are shitty movies and ironically enough, TV commercials using the best, most non-commercial music?

COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR –  Foster The People.

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The Dallas Mavericks. I wanted to pick the St. Louis Cardinals for winning a World Series after getting in on a Wild Card. For the years they have been so loved by a city and have exemplified the best there is in a sports team.

But the Dallas Mavericks have been through a great deal of adversity if you can believe that a team owned by a quirky billionaire can. They were pretty much denied a championship in 2006 due to a series of horrible calls, they came close so many times this past decade, and were doormats until Mark Cuban bought the team. Since then he has made both good draft choices and good trades and has built this team into a contender with a loyal fan base, something that Donald Sterling, owner of the LA Clippers can learn a lot from. Their championship was well deserved, regardless of what you think of the flakiness of Mark Cuban.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR –  Aaron Rodgers, Quarterback, Green Bay Packers. This is tough because wisdom tells you it could also go to Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers. But trust me I am not just giving out awards based on the current calendar. In this calendar year, his team won a Super Bowl, has lost only one game, and until getting surprised by Kansas City, they were on their way to a perfect season, pretty much dismantling teams by double digits. The motto of the Packers is “next man up” which means that injuries are something they deal with by having a deep roster and everyone on it is expected to produce. This would be impossible unless someone steady were at the helm, and there is no more important piece of a football team than the quarterback, just ask the Indianapolis Colts.

OVER-RATED ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Mark Sanchez, Quarterback New York Jets. Look, I actually have nothing against Mark Sanchez, and I’m glad he is playing in New York and I hope he does well, but let’s be honest, now is not the time to anoint him as the second coming. In order to be a star quarterback, you have to play above just managing the game. The Jets have had the highest scoring defense for the past two seasons and they made it to their conference championship game two years in a row. This year, the defense ranks 21^st in scoring and the team is currently 8-7 and might miss the playoffs altogether. That has to tell you something. Sanchez is a serviceable quarterback who can manage a game, but he is not Joe Willie Namath just yet, so let’s save the GQ covers for when he actually wins something.

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE –  Speaking of Indianapolis quarterbacks, man this is gonna be a tough one because the man can still play and I am convinced that he will play in 2012, but Payton Manning will not play at the level he once did, his team will make no significant personnel changes next season, and that team is exposed as a horrible team without him, so there is no possible way he will be who he was before his neck injury. They will absolutely draft Andrew Luck with the 1^st pick in the NFL Draft next year, so why prolong the obvious? Why create a Brett Favre/Aaron Rodgers or Joe Montana/Steve Young situation when you don’t have to? Manning has done so much in his career, he really has nothing left to prove, which means he thinks he still has something left to prove. I don’t think I wanna watch him next year because I’d like to remember him as great as he was before his injury.

RACIST OF THE YEAR – Maybe there were worse comments, made by worse people, but I would like to give this award to Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter for her “Our blacks are better than their blacks,” quote. You shithead

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – For no reason other than the impact his death could have on the international community, particularly in Asia, this award could have gone to tyrannical, delusional, little runt Kim Jong Il of North Korea. Important considering that right after news of his death Michelle Bachmann called for the closing of our embassy in North Korea.

Osama Bin Laden might be a good choice, but no one is really mourning the loss of that asshole right?

This year’s award has to go to someone who truly changed our lives, and in ways that we take for granted. That man is Steve Jobs.

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!

My Favorite Christmas Movies 12/22/11

Everyone knows how much I love Christmas, and if you live in New York, you have many reasons to love the holiday - store windows, Rockefeller Center, The Bronx Zoo at night, etc. I also have a fondness for holiday movies, so I decided to list my favorites. I was inspired to write this up again simply because I saw another list of Top Christmas movies and wondered how they could possibly include such lameness that will remain nameless so as to not bring a negative vibe to the season. Having said that, one list in particular included “Die Hard” as a Christmas movie. Really? An odd choice considering that it came out during the summer, and you'll forgive me if automatic weapons and exploding rooftops fail to put me in the holiday spirit. So would the first “Lethal Weapon” be considered a Christmas movie too according to this clown?

Keep in mind, this is my self-important self telling you that these are my favorite Christmas movies, not the greatest, so White Christmas (classic songs, but whatever) Miracle on 34^th Street (The 1947 version, the weak remake gets no love here) and A Christmas Carol (1951 Alastair Sim version) are not here. Holiday TV specials (Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, A Charlie Brown Christmas) are also omitted even though I love so many of them. So, in no particular order, see if this list gets you in the holiday spirit at all…

MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MOVIES

Scrooge 1971 – OK it is a story that has been told many times on film and in so many variations. I have never been a fan of musicals, not just because they can be so corny, but I have always had a problem with watching a story unfold then having characters just breaking out into song whenever the hell they feel like it. This one is different for some reason, and I don’t know why. Albert Finney isn’t exactly Beverly Sills or Bing Crosby so it certainly wasn’t his voice. I think the make up was totally ahead of its time because they aged him well for a man only in his thirties at the time the film was made. Who knows? The sets were so typical of what post-industrial revolution Victorian England looked like, and I love how this version stayed so true to the book, without the songs of course.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 1989 – There is nothing funnier than the eventual Chevy Chase freak out due to his unreasonably high expectations in a “Vacation” movie.

Love Actually 2003 – Ok...incredible amount of sap in this one, but I really liked it. So many over lapping story lines it was like the “Pulp Fiction” of romantic comedies. The creators of this type of film have since oversaturated the market with clunkers like Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve, but this original still holds up well.

Better Off Dead 1985 – I don’t know if this is really a Christmas movie, but it sure is hysterically funny. John Cusack’s first “jilted lover” movie, but certainly not his last. TV dinners and moose outfits under the tree…classic. A maniacal paper boy out to collect two dollars, and let’s not forget two Chinese immigrants who learned how to speak English watching Howard Cosell on Wide World of Sports.

Joyeux Noel 2006 – This was inspired by a fascinating true event that took place during World War I, where German and Allied troops from both trenches decided to call a truce on Christmas Eve. The moments created in a situation like this must have been enormous for any soldier, at any time.

Scrooged 1988 – No one plays this type of character like Bill Murray. In yet another overlooked role, he keeps you watching every frame wondering what he is going to do next. You would think that his character, when mistaken for Richard Burton by a group of homeless people, would tell them all to go to hell, not start doing an over the top impression. Hysterical.

The Family Stone 2005 – This film is overlooked as a Christmas movie, and certainly not a classic by any means, but I loved it. The family was so cool and each character gets a chance to carry the movie with their quirky story line. I had to put it on here just because it reminded me how Christmas is with my family, and how at one Christmas or another, I was every one of the Stones.

It’s a Wonderful Life 1946 – Does a bell ring in Heaven every time I get a cliché over with already? I can’t help it if I love this movie. Economic strife and contemplation of suicide notwithstanding, this is a great Christmas movie. It really is that simple, tradition cliché or not.

Bad Santa 2003 – Probably the funniest Christmas movie ever. I can’t even think of a scene in this movie that isn’t funny in an odd, repulsive sort of way.

A Christmas Story 1983 – Probably the funniest Christmas movie ever. Ok I know I said that already, but is there anything more politically incorrect than having a group of Chinese waiters singing “Deck the Halls” in heavy Chinese accents?

Fred Claus 2008 – Fuck you, I liked it!

It Is Now Time To Decide 12/16/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I must admit that I will miss the Republican debates, or as I have come to call them, “The Republican Search for the Candidate with the Least Amount of Humanity.” In my lifetime, I have never witnessed such an uninformed, racially and socially hostile group of incompetents running for president of this nation; a nation that is supposed to be, in Abraham Lincoln’s words “the last best hope of Earth.”

Now that the debates have come to a close and the primary voting actually begins, I am going to miss them. Remember such unforgettable hits like an audience of morons booing a US Serviceman who just happened to be gay yet served his country more than anyone on the stage? Herman Cain saying that “if you are not rich it’s your fault” or Mitt Romney showing how in touch he is with the middle class by making a $10,000 bet on national television? Or how about Ron Paul saying that an accident victim should be allowed to die in a hospital if he doesn’t have a health care plan? I’m sure we will all miss Rick Perry’s idea of an electrified fence along our southern border to keep out all those pesky illegal immigrants who do the shit jobs that no one in this country will do, then complain about there not being any jobs, after they vote against a comprehensive jobs bill of course!

And then there is Michele Bachmann. “Scarecrow, I think I will miss you most of all” said Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. The genius whose top quotes (spoiler alert!) you will see in a few weeks in The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards for 2011. Someone so abysmally stupid she makes George W Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar. Forget about the fact that she knows nothing about the history of this country, has failed to check facts and is so ignorant on foreign affairs she thought we had an embassy in Iran, what I will miss is how every time she fucked up, she tried to convince the public that she was right, you just heard it wrong, or the liberal media misquoted her. Last night she actually had to defend her series of gaffes by saying “I am a serious candidate for President.” Michelle, let me quote one of the greatest female conservatives of our time, someone who undoubtedly, you have probably never heard of…

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to say you are, you aren’t.”

                                                                                                                                - Margaret Thatcher

Having to defend the seriousness of your candidacy means you don’t really have one. It is this “doubling down” on stupid that I will surely miss the most. That and the fact this party has been hijacked so violently by Teabagger yahoos that they have actually marginalized their smartest candidates.

In short, absent some dramatic turn, the Democrats have nothing to worry about in 2012 unless:

1-     The Mayans were right and the world is coming to an end; or

2-     Republicans get their heads out of their collective Hillbilly asses and realize that Jon Huntsman is their most electable candidate.

And a heartfelt R.I.P to a man who I didn’t always agree with, but who’s genuine conviction I truly admired, along with his ability to knock back a few. Christopher Hitchens was one of those writers who you hated when he made a good point that contradicted yours. And when he was on CNN or a talk show, you almost wanted to challenge him to a fistfight; usually after he made a really good point that contradicted yours. He will be missed. Here’s hoping Heaven has a Pub and Hemmingway has invited you to his table and lent you his tab.   

SPORTS

I wanted to wait to post until the Barry Bonds sentencing was finally pronounced. Just so that I can say…hey US Government, thank you for spending nearly 10 years of your time and millions of dollars of taxpayer money to ultimately sentence this man to some time at home and 2 years of babysitting, and 250 hours of whatever you think community service is. It was also nice of you to stay the sentencing pending appeal. Appeal? Are you fucking joking? Appealing no jail time? I’m sure that during one of the worst recessions in US history the American tax payer is relieved that you have dedicated so much time and resources to this case. I’m sleeping better already.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORIST WANNA KILL US

Just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in…

I had totally given up on American Idol and all of those other shows after they decided that Jennifer Lopez was somehow qualified to judge a “talent” contest. Now comes word that one of my favorite people, someone who actually does have talent, as proven by the fact that he has been broadcasting’s greatest innovator of the past 30 years, Howard Stern will now be a judge on America's Got Talent. Now I have no idea when that show is on, but now I wanna watch it. And shame on whatever network puts this show on for reeling me in with someone who is actually candid and interesting.   

Merry Christmas From Congress, Rich Folks! 12/8/11

Ahh yes, the Holiday office party…is there any more popular place for inappropriate behavior?

And speaking of inappropriate behavior, I have a question for my female readers. Is another girl stealing your underwear really a common occurrence? Because I find that really weird if it is. I was talking to someone the other day angry at a friend who had stayed over because she was sure that her underwear drawer had been invaded (No…it wasn’t me. And I resent the implication. Just because someone has a thing for smelling women’s underwear, that doesn’t make me a thief. Close minded fools!!). Anyway, given the fact that a woman’s underwear region is considerably more sensitive and internal than a man’s, I can’t imagine anyone actually wanting to wear another woman’s used underwear. Well, unless there is a fetish of course. I have been in locker rooms, barracks, changing rooms since I was a teenager and not once did I ever look at another guy’s drawers and say “Oh yeah…gotta have those for me!” What is wrong with you ladies?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Looks like President Barack Obama has successfully called out Republicans on their complete and utter hypocrisy. After reminding them last week that they did sign a “pledge” not to raise taxes, Republicans in the Senate have just blocked an extension to the payroll tax cut for the middle class. I guess this is how Republicans say “Merry Christmas" to the rich people that own them.

So as I predicted, until his questionable ethics come back to haunt him at least, it looks like Newt Gingrich is the new flavor of the month in the Republican Party. And like all other flavors of the month in the GOP, he was here in New York this week to kiss the ring of the new GOP Don Corleone, Donald Trump. Seriously how did this silver-spooned combover ever get so politically powerful? He must have some type of J. Edgar Hoover-like secret files on every candidate, or maybe it’s the free suite at the Trump Tower that has these GOP’ers kissing his spray-tanned ass because I still can't get my head around how this man has made himself a king maker in the Republican party. Now he wants to moderate a debate? Are you serious? This buffoon couldn’t moderate a pie eating contest and now he is going to be the one asking candidates the tough questions that voters want answers to? This can’t be the America I was born in. This has to be a bad dream.

SPORTS

I guess it really is all about money in the end. Looks like Albert Pujols has decided to leave the team that he has played for his entire career and won two World Series championships with, the St Louis Cardinals. Never mind that he is worshipped in that city and they will one day erect a statue of the man, he decided to be a part of the California/Los Angeles/Anaheim or whatever the hell they are calling themselves now Angels’ current off season spending spree. The Angels also spent money on a pretty good homegrown Orange County pitcher in CJ Wilson. Every once in a while the Angels make a big move, and this is their year. In a weak division, they have already furthered the argument for them to be the favorites there this year.

As for the now “Miami” Marlins, don’t believe the beach-sanded, fake-boobed, all-over tanned, hype. The Marlins make this same move every few years. They spend millions on a few free agents in one year, win a World Series then have a fire sale. They did it in both 1997 and 2003. Both years in which they won the World Series in a less than memorable fashion, with a bought team put together for one year, and then dumped once it was won. Does this entire front office have suntan lotion on the brain? How can you possibly think you are going to gain a steady following or establish a tradition by winning this way? No one in that team’s nearly 20 year history has ever identified themselves as a Marlin, and they have never held on to a good player long enough for that type of traditional affection to be established. I mean seriously, when you say that a 24 year old Miguel Cabrera doesn’t fit in with your “youth movement” are you really fooling anyone? So if the Marlins should win, look for Jose Reyes to take his dreadlocks elsewhere next year.   

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Jon Corzine, the former chief executive officer of the bankrupt broker MF Global (yeah I think I know what those initials mean); apologized for his firm's failure and told a House committee that he doesn't know where its missing customer money went. He doesn't know?

"I simply do not know where the money is, or why the accounts have not been reconciled to date," Corzine said, in prepared testimony to the House Agriculture Committee this morning.

I think this man may be a candidate for JB Random Report Asshole of the Year.

Laugh, Think & Cry 12/1/11

I was on vacation for the holidays, and now that my Christmas tree is up I am officially in the spirit!

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Ok is it safe yet for even Republicans to say that Herman Cain is an asshole? I mean come on all you GOP’ers, you didn’t believe that he would last long as your front runner right? This man is about as eloquent and knowledgeable on foreign affairs as well, Herman Cain. Seriously, how many times have you heard this moron use “I would work with my advisors to solve the problem” as a substitute for “I really don’t know what the fuck you are talking about.” What is most entertaining is this “old boy” network of Republicans actually having to keep a straight face after every time this alleged front runner shoots himself in the foot. You can practically hear the senior citizen teeth grinding in every posh country club in America as they are forced to defend this inept choice. And I’m sure the scotch was flowing freely into their adult diapers in wild celebration of this idiot’s latest sex scandal; a scandal that has yet to make him go away, however. Today it was discovered that he was actually giving this woman money…pimpin’ ain’t easy!

And then there is the gift that keeps on giving, Michelle Bachmann. You know, the JB Random Report End of The Year Awards are coming up, and I have no doubt this idiot will make an appearance. Her latest gem is promising to close the US Embassy in Iran once she is elected President. Which sounds like a great idea until any high school student with a working knowledge of American history informs her that there has been no US Embassy in Iran since the Shah was overthrown in 1979. Then there was that little Iran Hostage Crisis where the workers of the former Embassy suffered 444 days of captivity. You know, the biggest news story of that year. Remember? Oh I’m sorry, I keep thinking this woman has a brain.    

Hey Gingrich, put the cheeseburger down and get your mistress off your lap, you’re up.

A tiny all-white Appalachian church in rural Kentucky has voted to ban interracial couples from joining its flock. Seriously, today in 2011. Members at the Gulnare Free Will Baptist Church voted Sunday on the resolution, which says the church "does not condone interracial marriage." The church member who crafted the resolution, Melvin Thompson, said he is not racist and called the matter an "internal affair."

Oooooooook…look there is a lot that I, or anyone with a brain can say about this, but I really don’t feel like writing that much, besides the game is on so I will keep it brief…Two things…

1- The fact that these people even carried such a resolution to a vote, then still insist that they are not racist is why racism still exists.

2- Its fucking rural Kentucky…what did you expect? Now someone get the BBQ stains off that man’s Klan robe, he has a church meeting to go to.

SPORTS

Oh…the NBA is back…ok I’ll entertain this for a while, but it’s not like you people have had my attention for much of the last ten years anyway, but go ahead, play, make some trades, surprise me, maybe I’ll watch. Chris Paul wants to be a Knick? Dwight Howard wants out of Orlando? OK what else is new?

About 18 years ago, I was at opening day at Yankee Stadium, watching Joe DiMaggio throw out the 1^st pitch. Joe was actually a replacement for North Carolina State basketball coach Jim Valvano, who was too ill to attend due to the rapid spreading cancer that was overtaking him. Months before, he had given a speech while receiving the Arthur Ashe Award at the ESPY’s that has since gone down in history as one of the greatest speeches in sports history. Right up there with Lou Gehrig’s speech on July 4^th 1939. The message was “Laugh, Think and Cry everyday.” I can assure you that you do all three listening to that speech even now. Cynicism and greed are perceived as such a big part of sports. Given the recent scandals in college sports, that cynicism is even more rampant and for good reason, but listen to this speech and you will forget what can be bad about sports. Listen to this speech and for a moment, scandals, lockouts, bailouts, and criminal charges are light years away. Jim Valvano was greatness. “Laugh, Think and Cry?” OK I laugh when I hear him tell that “Lombardi” story about his first day coaching a Rutger's. I think when he asks the audience to contribute to cancer research because it may not save his life, but the life of his children, and I cry when I see the ovation he gets at the end, as an emotionall overcome Jim Valvano is helped off the stage by Dick Vitale and Mike Krzyzewski.

“Don’t give up….don’t ever give up.”

Greetings From "Not So" Happy Valley, PA 11/10/11

Did you ever have a really, really old relative not know that he was sitting at Thanksgiving dinner and not curled up in a foxhole on an Okinawa beach? Remember when no one had the heart to tell him that the carver wasn’t a samurai sword and the turkey was not General Takagawa? You probably wouldn’t blame him for much, which is why it’s difficult to be too self-righteous when discussing the fate of the face of Penn State Football, and the university in general for over 60 years, head coach Joe Paterno. The thing is that as anyone who knows Penn State football knows, Paterno is, and has been for a while, a mere figurehead as far as recruiting and play calling go. I wonder if he even knows where he is half the time.

As of today, the Pennsylvania DA has stated that Paterno had fully cooperated with their investigation into the child molestation charges against former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, and is in no way a target of the investigation. Unlike the two alleged eye witnesses to the attacks who lied under oath and were also arrested, Paterno never himself witnessed any wrongdoing, and when informed of it he immediately reported it to the athletic director, and the chief of campus police, and all they did was ban Sandusky from the Penn State campus. Now, had Paterno been an actual eyewitness and merely responded in this manner, then I totally agree with putting him out to pasture. The truth of the matter is that unless he actually witnessed the attacks, merely reporting what he was told is not a reason to fire the man.

The reason that the media was calling for his head, and they were the only ones doing so by the way, as proven by the riots that occurred on campus after it was announced last night that he had been fired, is because Paterno just didn’t answer their bloodlust for gossip fast enough. For the record, Paterno wanted to hold a press conference, wanted to get out in front of this thing, but was not allowed to by the school. Since the media was the only one doing the talking, they now have the sports world convinced that a man who broke no laws, broke no NCAA rules was somehow guilty of wrongdoing. The Board of Trustees at Penn State has been trying to quietly retire him since 2004 when they actually asked him to retire and he simply said “no.” Why didn’t they fire him then? Well you saw what happened when they fired him now. And why is Mike McQueary, the man who actually witnessed the incident and told Paterno about it instead of going to the police, or stopping it himself, still allowed to coach? I don’t care who it is, or if it means my job, if I see a young kid getting raped in a shower, there is going to be a rapist with a severely cracked skull in that shower pretty soon. This really does look like a convenient excuse for the Board of Trustees to fire someone they wanted out 7 years ago, and it is sickening.

Now should Paterno answer questions on this matter? Of course he should. And now would be the perfect time considering he is no longer the coach. What this situation begs is what I call a “Watergate” approach to questioning – How much did he know? When did he know it? Who did he report it to? One can interpret his contacting criminal defense attorney J. Sedgwick Sollers (a brilliant attorney, btw) as either an effort to do that, or even more disturbing, that maybe the rest of this story has yet to be told.

There is no doubt that everyone involved allowed this to become a major distraction longer than it had to be by not stepping out in front of this immediately. What Paterno should have done was to reassure the parents of his latest recruits and more importantly, the parents of the alleged victims, that he did everything he could to get to the bottom of this issue and hold people accountable. That he has waited this long has done irreparable damage to his legacy, and to Penn State, and considerably more significantly, to the lives of the alleged victims and their families. Given the limited information so far, I can’t agree that his actions were something you should get fired over, but it certainly doesn’t help that Joe Pa, the face of the University, seems to have given such a tepid response to such a horrific crime.

Joe Frazier had the best left hook in boxing, and retired with only four losses, all while fighting during the “Golden Age” of heavyweight boxing 1960 to 1980. Who did he lose to? Only to two of the other greatest heavyweights of all time…twice to both George Foreman and Muhammad Ali. In an era that had the likes of Sonny Liston, Floyd Patterson, then later on Kenny Norton, Leon Spinks, and Larry Holmes, Joe Frazier secured his place as one of the best heavyweights of his, so by definition, of any, era. He was one of only eight fighters to win both Olympic Gold and the Heavyweight Title, but what truly defined him were three simply epic fights with Muhammad Ali.

Imagine what it must have meant to a man to be defined by an opponent he both resented and admired; whom he both hated and loved. For the public, his battles with Ali were epic, for both fighters, the toll was obvious.  But this is the legacy this great fighter leaves, and we were fortunate to have experienced it.  

Conrad Murray, you asshole...don't you know that you cannot get away with killing a white woman in LA County unless you can run for 2,000 yards in a single season or your name is OJ?

It's All About Sex, Isn't It? 11/3/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Sorry I was absent last week, but I was still traumatized by having to fight off the sexual advances of Herman Cain. Look, whether this guy has a zipper problem or not has yet to be determined, but he has changed his story five times concerning allegations of sexual harassment by two female former employees, and no one on the other side has yet to call for his head. What insults me is how someone who was so animate about self sufficiency and saying that “if you are not rich it’s your fault” and “I don't believe racism in this country today holds anybody back in a big way," now wants to play the race card as he answered in the affirmative when asked by Charles Krauthammer whether "race [and] being a strong black conservative has anything to do with the fact you've been so charged."

And of course, there is no more knowledgeable, objective observer of race relations than Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter who chimed in with this little gem - “I mean, that’s why our blacks are so much better than their blacks. To become a black Republican, you don’t just roll into it, you’re not going with the flow. You have fought against, probably, your family members, probably your neighbors, you have thought everything out and that’s why we have very impressive blacks in our party.” Our blacks? Really? Will someone in the Republican party please muzzle this shithead before she eats all of you?

Are Republicans that petty that they are actually serving a subpoena on the White House to release documents concerning Solyndra? An odd step to take considering that they have yet to refuse to surrender any documents when asked. For those of you who don’t know, Solyndra was an alternative energy company that the government gave $500 million to in order to make solar panels. The company ultimately failed and had to go bankrupt. Now this is something that happens in business all the time, it was an expensive gamble, but why serve a subpoena when you don’t have to? Is it so that Congressional republicans can look busy, look stupid, or so that they can make the White House look as if it has dome something illegal? “We have seen a half a billion dollars of taxpayer money out the door. It's time we get to the bottom of his whole mess," said Rep. Fred Upton. Sure, but first why not get to the bottom of the war crimes committed by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney? When are those subpoenas and indictments coming down? They cost a lot more money and certainly a lot more American lives than a bankrupt energy company that the government took a calculated risk on. These war crimes however, were committed by impulsive action taken due to intelligence received by Austin Powers.

ENTERTAINMENT

And yes, I was so consumed by Kim Kardashian’s divorce that I didn’t eat or bathe for the past week. Seriously is anyone shocked that this fame obsessed, social climbing, nit wit, whose only claim to fame is having a big ass, banging every member of two of the three major sports leagues (A-Rod hasn’t banged her…yet), and making a sex tape would do something stupid?

I feel bad for Kris Humphries, not only did this egghead sign a pre-nup, but here is a guy who, while banging this chick, doubled his career stats in points and rebounds this year. What’s he gonna do now? I mean, look at what happened to Reggie Bush. After breaking it off with her he had to give up his Heismann Trophy, he got traded to Miami, and his team is now 0-7. Damn…she must have some type of magic athletic success formula stored in that huge ass. Next time she is in New York, I’m hoping I can rub up against that monsterous rump at a club, maybe I can finally be the MVP of my Summer basketball league!