The JB Random Report 7/9/10

Being in your 30’s and still getting gawked at by teenaged girls ranks right up there with being in your 30’s and getting proofed at a bar.

SPORTS

You know, I was so focused on LeBron James’ career that I forgot to work, eat or bathe for the past 40 days. Seriously, there was no reason to speculate on it before yesterday because, as the saying goes, “wherever you decide to go, that’s where you’re at.” And I refused to sit through a 1 hour ESPN special (are you fucking joking?) but I caught the announcement later on. Incidentally, having a charity event in Greenwich, Connecticut is like raising money for the homeless of Beverly Hills.
Miami? The thing is, New York offered him the following, and there really is no way around this: Global expansion of your brand, and a chance to win. New York was the only place where both goals could have been met. In Miami, you are joining Dwyane Wade’s team, not creating your own. Wade has his championship already. New York, being 40 years removed from winning a title, is wide open with a good sidekick in A’mare Stoudamire, and a decent bench. James had a chance to create his own legacy here. Having said that, I’m not a Knick fan so I could give two shits, and you can’t force a guy to be here when he doesn’t wanna be.
Miami blew their wad on 3 players and now has to put 9 stiffs on the bench. Think about this: The Heat are up by 12 with 4 minutes left in the 3rd quarter, who are they going to put into the game to hold the lead? Michael Beasley? Wrong…he just got traded to Minnesota. Pat Riley is a great basketball mind and I’m not predicting anything, but this is a curious move. And as popular as South Beach is, it’s not New York. If it were, there would be more songs written about it. This is the biggest stage to be a star, just ask Derek Jeter, a shortstop who does not lead his position in any all-time category, and yet is still considered the best in the game even 15 years into his career.
Now as for Cleveland, James is so big his departure will actually hurt that city’s entire economy. But it’s not like the city will totally shut down, so Dan Gilbert, stop referring to his moving on as a “cowardly betrayal.” If everyone wanted you when you were 25 you would have done the exact same thing. I hate to agree with Spike Lee, but he is right-“the days of the $40 million slave are over…he is a free agent if he wants to go, he goes.” And this quote by Gilbert here goes beyond just wishful thinking and right into complete insanity:

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE"

Yeah ok…It’s very easy to be self-righteous when no one is recruiting you so vigorously. It’s kinda like a man hating on Tiger Woods for fooling around on his wife. Yeah let’s see how faithful your bald, fat ass would be if everyone wanted to fuck you in an Applebee’s parking lot.

Eventhough I did predict that Spain (The JB Random Report 6/17/10) would make it to the World Cup finals, I think I might be persuaded to root for The Netherlands…
This World Cup has been great for so many reasons, least of all being the promises by both Diego Maradona and Larissa Riquelme involving nudity. Dutch porn star Bobbi Eden however, appears to have outdone them all… Eden wrote on her Twitter page that she "will give a BJ to all my followers" if the Netherlands wins the World Cup this weekend. How thoughtful of her. OK so where can I get a Twitter account again?

If it’s almost MLB All-Star weekend, then it’s time for the baseball world to discuss who will be a Yankee in a few weeks to get them to the World Series. This time, it’s Cliff Lee from the Mariners. And believe it or not, I think they might even sign him to a long term deal and eat that contract. Ok before you go crazy just consider this… Javier Vasquez is still interesting in the National League so he could be trade bait, no one knows what the hell Andy Pettitte is gonna do at the end of the year, and it’s not like the Yankees can’t afford to sign Lee.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Lindsay Lohan and everyone around her; combined with the fact that so many people are this interested when so much more is going on in the world. Shame on you and your suspenders, Larry King! How can you have her fame-hungry father on for a whole segment and still call yourself a serious journalist?