Thursday, July 1, 2010

The JB Random Report 7/1/10


Ok why are the Russians still spying on us? The Cold War is over, you lost, deal with it. Seriously, a country that can’t even afford to heat itself in the winter yet has more billionaires than any other nation has to have a population so self centered and lost that even with our secrets they would still get their vodka-drenched asses kicked. Did you see that one red headed hottie spy? I wonder what her “Bond Girl” name would have been? You know who I think is a Russian spy is that Mikhail Prokhorov guy. Think about it…why else would anyone buy a shitty team like the New Jersey Nets unless it was to undermine national security?

And how cool is Elena Kagen? Even in the face of utter stupidity she has kept her wit, intelligence and sense of humor during her Senate confirmation hearings. Although a bit flustered at times, she has been smart enough not to get baited into criticizing the Roberts court and has wisely stayed away from controversial issues by referring to them as “accepted law.” Seriously how bad has the Republican nit-picking become when even former or current or sometimes (I can’t keep up) Republican Arlen Spector gets cranky just asking questions?


Team USA got some respect and new fans with their performance in this year’s World Cup, not much more to say except, we’ll get ‘em next time!

Ever since I’ve been watching the World Cup, I have always rooted for Argentina. And I know that Diego Maradona, current head coach of the Argentine national team, despite being a complete asshole, is a revered God in Latin America. All the more reason to watch the World Cup games on Univision instead of ESPN or ABC, because the announcers on the Latin channels are so much more entertaining. Not better mind you, not more knowledgeable about the game, just so ridiculous and partial it’s hysterical. I like Maradona just as much as the next guy, but when you spend over 2:34 minutes (I actually used a stopwatch) talking about how cool Maradona’s wristwatch is, you are not commentating, you are kissing ass.

And speaking of Maradona, we all know that he has promised (threatened is more like it) that he will run around naked if Argentina should win the World Cup. Well here is a considerably better story on someone clearly inspired by him…
Larissa Riquelme, a Paraguayan lingerie model who loves her national team, has pledged to run naked through the streets "with my body painted with the colors of Paraguay" if Paraguay should win the World Cup.
Umm…Two things: 1- I think I just might have changed who I’m rooting for. 2- I’ve never wanted to be a Cell Phone so much in my entire life!

Well, the free agent negotiations have finally started in the NBA, and I still don’t care where LeBron James ends up.


I really hope Tiger Woods’ bevy of restaurant hostess and wanna-be reality TV star skanks was worth $750 million. $750 million. Dude what the FUCK were you thinking? Well the first thing should be, “I’m gonna fire whoever the fuck it was who told me to say it was anything other than a car accident that night.” Had he not gone public with his adultery, it would have been harder to prove in court. As a result, his wife now gets ¾ of his fortune, that she clearly did not help build (He was rich before they got married, and I’m quite sure she knew) their two houses, custody of the kids, and, an “anti-skank” clause in their settlement which stipulates that he cannot bring any girlfriends around the kids unless he gets remarried. Tiger, when you bang a trainload of bimbos who wanna be famous for shopping and nightclubbing and not for any real achievements, what do you think is gonna happen? Yeah, they are gonna come out of the woodwork like the fame-obsessed termites that they are. I firmly believe in the bro code, but you kinda had this one coming Tiger. Here’s hoping you get both your golf game, and your better judgment back soon…

1 comment:

  1. - Someone brought up the following:

    Curious to see any rationale re: one trillion dollars and over a decade spent over some people that are great at monkeybars and not being able to blow up a car in Times Square vs. a former superpower that brought us to the brink of nuclear annihilation and fought in two World Wars being busted for a spy ring that is generally being laughed off as a Boris and Natasha episode.
    Personally, the first thing I thought of this morning was "oh gee, our federal agencies are doing their jobs, and this is a bit a nuisance, as John Kerry said. But obviously I should've been screaming and running around in circles as if a mouse entered the room, except for the fact that the Rooskies are, in our eyes, white.

    Also, that redheaded chick is not that hot.

    - Yes, the Paraguayan chick has a great rack; if Maradona strips naked through the streets he should be shot. I'm sure plenty of non-Argentine soccer fans would readily volunteer for the task.

    - There must be an extra zero in the $750M being reported as what Tiger Woods will cough up in his divorce settlement. According to Forbes, the dude is worth $600M, so...