The JB Random Report 7/30/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

A lot of crazy shit going on in the House of Representatives this week, huh?

Did you see Anthony Weiner lose it on the House floor yesterday? Sure it was a bit of a grandstanding, showboating, "AL Pacino in 'And Justice For All'"-type move, but in this particular case, I believe his outrage to be genuine, as would anyone else who is grateful for those who helped out in the recovery during 9/11. Remember when he ran for mayor of New York City? He seems like an intelligent, competent guy, but I really can’t see myself voting for anyone named “Weiner.”
By rejecting this bill Republicans have reached the epitome of what is petty, obstructionist politics. I can’t wait to see any Republican retard defend not voting for this bill with any intelligent argument. These are same Republicans who claim to be the most patriotic. Hypocrites who drone on about how much they love America yet can’t seem to get around voting against every piece of legislation designed to help Americans.
The cop-out was simply that the sponsors put the bill up as emergency legislation, so it couldn’t be watered down or weighed down by ridiculous riders such as anti-abortion regulations. The drawback is that it required a 2/3 majority, which it did not get. Simply put, Republicans are saying “We will allow this bill to pass by a regular majority vote only if we can add irrelevant crap to it.” It should be noted that 12 Republicans did vote for the bill as is, but that’s way too little sanity amongst a party that is really beginning to frighten me, and America should be just as afraid.

Ever heard that phrase “be careful what you wish for?” Well Republicans wanted former Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee Charles Rangel to have his ethics trial during an election season, and they have it. However, given his indifference to settle the case, I think the old guy might have some sort of ace up his custom fitted sleeve. If Republicans push too hard they might be reminded of how powerful this man actually is. When properly inspired, I can do a pretty good imitation of the Congressman, by the way. I got major laughs with it in school. They better hope they are right or sympathy might shift, giving democrats the edge they need in the elections.

SPORTS

Diego Maradona deserved better from Argentine soccer. He led that team to the quarter finals of the World Cup, and got the most out of players who didn’t exactly have great individual games (right Messi?). To be fired because he was loyal to his staff and assistant coaches is just wrong. Now, I remember when this happened to another great first time manager of a legendary team, who just got another job this week. Buck Showalter was let go by the Yankees in 1995 because he wanted to hang on to certain members of his coaching staff. He went on to have success as a manager for other teams, and this week got the job with the Baltimore Orioles. Now, the Orioles are in dead last place, but I can tell you one thing, the culture there is gonna change, and change quickly. They might not make the playoffs this year, but Showalter will not tolerate those who tolerate losing. I bring this up because I can think of a great job for Maradona…how about a young up and coming team that also needs a change in attitude? How about Maradona coaching Team USA? It would take more than a miracle of course, but could you imagine how interesting that would be?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

How could it not be “The Jersey Shore” Season 2? I admit I don’t watch that show enough to say whether it sucks or not, but I don’t have to listen to Jennifer Lopez’s new album to know I wouldn’t like it, nor do I have to try heroin to know it's bad for you. And speaking of JLo, I will say this now…if the rumors are true that she might be a judge on American Idol, the show just jumped the shark. I hope there are enough maniacs at the auditions to tell her off or throw shit at her.
Anyway, back to these Jersey Shore people…They represent nothing that I find valuable culturally. Am I the “be-all-end-all” of what is culturally relevant in society? No (well actually, yeah, I do like to think I am) But I am certainly entitled to my view, and I just don’t see anything of value in watching a bunch of skanks get wasted at a different club every night.
But the kicker was when these wastes of space were actually on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange to ring the opening bell. Are you fucking kidding me? Then again, New Kids on the Block did it too. However, when the cast proceeded to take out rulers and ask where the naked guys were, an official politely reminded them that it was the “stock” exchange, not anything else.

Songs About New York City Without the Words "New York" in the Title

My favorite place is where I was born, not a lot of people can say that. And the place I was born just happens to be the greatest city in the world. Now, there is no reason to write a love song to New York City because it has already been done in volumes, by writers considerably better than myself, and I say that with no false humility because I already know I’m great. So I got it in me one day that I would make a list of said songs, but the phrase “New York” could not be in the song’s title. New York State of Mind by Billy Joel doesn’t make this list for obvious reasons, but it certainly does remind me of my hometown. Neither does the unofficial State song New York, New York by Frank Sinatra (That’s Mr. Sinatra to you peons, only I can call him Uncle Frank). I still think that even with this prerequisite, I can still find many great songs that give praise to my city, and I did. Feel free to add your own if you like, but here they are, in no particular order…


Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard / Paul Simon – This song could be the National Anthem for Queens (If it were a country of course). I can’t say I’m a huge fan of story songs, but this story takes a back seat to the beat, rhythm and spirit of the place where this song was born, the 108th street border between Corona and Forest Hills. If you don’t get that reference, then you aren’t from New York no matter what corporation transferred you here.

Walk on The Wild Side / Lou Reed – He is originally from Long Island, but if New York City had a house band, he would be the lead singer and songwriter. I could have easily chosen any one of Reed’s classics for this list; “Dirty Blvd.” or “Coney Island Baby” come to mind. But that haunting sax solo on “Wild Side” is Bowery and Bleecker.

City of Blinding Lights / U2 – Someone said the song reminded them of Paris, I told them to go fuck themselves and reminded them that those snail eating cowards would be speaking German if not for the US. Even Bono has repeated that the band seems to step their game up when they play in New York, and they are not alone. The Police, Bruce Springsteen and so many other bands have admitted that there is a certain energy in a New York audience that is lacking elsewhere. There is no way this song can be about any other city.

Manhattan / Kings of Leon – How a band from Tennessee can bring New York to life in a song is amazing. Remember the rules say you can’t have the word “New York” in the title, they say nothing about the boroughs.

Shattered / The Rolling Stones – The broke, crime-ridden, dirty, strung out version of New York City in the late 70’s “personified,” for lack of a better word, in a song.

Apartment Story / The National – This is really a song about staying home, but it’s still about staying home in New York City.

The Message / Grand Master Flash & The Furious Five – What “Shattered” did for New York City in the 70’s this song did for the city in 1980’s. There is no real glimmer of hope here, just the harsh reality forced upon minorities and the poor during the Reagan era.

Downtown Train / Tom Waits – One of the best American songwriters ever decided to write about a girl on a train. Simply beautiful. Some people just have it, and some should just give up. After hearing this song you realize how most of those currently spouting the latest irrelevant pop drivel should just give up.

Empire State of Mind / Jay Z & Alicia Keys – Ok so this is a bit of an obvious choice, which is exactly what I was looking to avoid, but I can’t ignore the fact that this song just takes me to the places he is talking about, and it does it without being too gratuitous. That’s enough for me.

New Frontier / Donald Fagen – In an epoch before this song’s time, there was a lovely pre war with a balcony overlooking the skyline and Central Park. There was a smoke and bourbon filled living room where a group of people were listening to Charles Mingus as they decided what club they would visit that night. Donald Fagen must have been a dry-eyed fly on the wall that night.

Remembering Greatness 7/13/10

SPORTS

“Now batting for the Yankees…center fielder…number twenty-one…Jesse Bueno.” No matter how old I was (I sometimes still do it now, actually) or how bad a situation might have been, daydreaming the late great Robert Leo “Bob” Sheppard’s flawless baritone uttering those words over the sound system at Yankee Stadium always made me feel better. A fellow St. John’s University alum, that voice was typical of the grandeur and mystique that was the New York Yankees; traits that seem to diminish ever so slightly every time we lose an irreplaceable Yankee legend. Thank you sir, you will be sorely missed.

As will the man who was, without a doubt, the greatest owner in the history of sports, George M Steinbrenner III who passed away today at 80. No one did more as an owner to raise the level of a sport than did “The Boss.” He was the first owner to ever become a part of Pop culture. I mean come on, what other owner do you know that was on Seinfeld and Saturday Night Live? And since 1973 no owner has won more championships or division titles. For less than $10 million he bought the Yankees from CBS and the relative cellar. Nice investment considering the team is worth over $1.5 billion now. Like it or not, he did have a little something to do with that. Was he a bit too hands on? Maybe. Was he without fault? Certainly not. Did he know everything about the game? Are you fucking kidding? He once called Don Mattingly “the most unproductive over .300 hitter in baseball.” Brilliant conclusion; Kinda like saying Patrick Ewing was the shortest 7-footer in the NBA. But you can’t argue that his hard driving style did help bring back the culture of winning.
After winning it all in 1977 and 1978 then floundering in the 80’s, he was banished from baseball in 1990 for his involvement with a shady gambler and upon his subsequent return in 1993, he knew enough to let Gene Michael and the farm system do their thing and bring him a World Series in 1996, then a few more after that. Now, few people may remember that was actually his second ban from the game, as he was similarly banned in 1974 after pleading guilty to obstruction of justice and illegal campaign contributions to Richard Nixon in 1972, the ban coming on the heels of the Watergate scandal.
Regardless of what anyone might have thought about him, he was the first to use an already existing market to better his team. A strong supporter of free agency, you can’t blame Steinbrenner for the ballooning salaries players started to receive back then. Given the profits clubs made, I don’t even think “blame” is the proper word, just ask Curt Flood. Those were the same amounts any team was willing to pay, he just paid more players, and that’s why he won. He was also the first owner to create an entire television network around a team. Sure other teams did follow, but only a team with the history that the Yankees have could have been the first team to pull it off. Not gonna get into writing about the Billy Martin drama…enough has already been said.
Now, I would challenge anyone criticizing Steinbrenner to find me any owner in any sport that put more of his profits back into his team the way The Boss did. And I will further challenge any owner in any sport to open their books and see if your charitable contributions come anywhere near Steinbrenner’s. One of the worst kept secrets in sports was that more kids went to college because of him than any other sports owner, and not once did he ask for recognition for that. But the ultimate testament to his charity could sadly be the fact that when he had his heart attack last night, he was rushed to St. Joseph’s Hospital in Tampa, Florida. I wonder if he passed by the pediatric emergency room; the one that bears his name; the one he donated personally.

Felicidades Espana! A well deserved victory for Spain and an overall satisfying World Cup despite the questionable officiating. A World Cup that for the first time didn’t include Argentina, Italy, Brazil or Germany in the final game, and giving the world a first time winner. A final that went into extra time and yet was not decided by penalty kicks. Great time was had by all…but you know what I will miss most of all? The indisputable power of…the VUVUZELA!!!!!

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

And why continue this LeBron James drama? Seriously let's move on now. Writing about a flake like Dan Gilbert and his antics on the same day I’m writing about George Steinbrenner is like a Dave Chappelle segment of “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong.” Sure Gilbert was full of emotion in his letter to Cleveland Cavalier fans ripping LeBron, but dude, you just alienated every free agent in the NBA from your team. I’m glad David Stern fined this jerk $100,000.

Ahh, ladies a word of advice…Sometimes too much freedom can be a dangerous thing, and if you do something stupid you set the women’s movement back a few hundred years, kinda like the way Flava Flav sets the black movement back every time he wears that stupid fucking horned Viking hat on TV. For the record, I have nothing against a skimpy bikini, and I am the biggest fan of family planning in the history of family planning. However, when going to the beach it is always best to wear beach attire that would, at the very least, cover up your preferred method of birth control. Once again, I have nothing against a nearly totally naked bimbo on the beach, it’s what I’m here for (just like your massive insecurity is why you are here) but I assure you that exposed patch is not sexy, it just screams “Look at me, I get laid and I go bareback!” As if the tramp stamp over your ass and slutty bikini weren’t a big enough clue.

The JB Random Report 7/9/10

Being in your 30’s and still getting gawked at by teenaged girls ranks right up there with being in your 30’s and getting proofed at a bar.

SPORTS

You know, I was so focused on LeBron James’ career that I forgot to work, eat or bathe for the past 40 days. Seriously, there was no reason to speculate on it before yesterday because, as the saying goes, “wherever you decide to go, that’s where you’re at.” And I refused to sit through a 1 hour ESPN special (are you fucking joking?) but I caught the announcement later on. Incidentally, having a charity event in Greenwich, Connecticut is like raising money for the homeless of Beverly Hills.
Miami? The thing is, New York offered him the following, and there really is no way around this: Global expansion of your brand, and a chance to win. New York was the only place where both goals could have been met. In Miami, you are joining Dwyane Wade’s team, not creating your own. Wade has his championship already. New York, being 40 years removed from winning a title, is wide open with a good sidekick in A’mare Stoudamire, and a decent bench. James had a chance to create his own legacy here. Having said that, I’m not a Knick fan so I could give two shits, and you can’t force a guy to be here when he doesn’t wanna be.
Miami blew their wad on 3 players and now has to put 9 stiffs on the bench. Think about this: The Heat are up by 12 with 4 minutes left in the 3rd quarter, who are they going to put into the game to hold the lead? Michael Beasley? Wrong…he just got traded to Minnesota. Pat Riley is a great basketball mind and I’m not predicting anything, but this is a curious move. And as popular as South Beach is, it’s not New York. If it were, there would be more songs written about it. This is the biggest stage to be a star, just ask Derek Jeter, a shortstop who does not lead his position in any all-time category, and yet is still considered the best in the game even 15 years into his career.
Now as for Cleveland, James is so big his departure will actually hurt that city’s entire economy. But it’s not like the city will totally shut down, so Dan Gilbert, stop referring to his moving on as a “cowardly betrayal.” If everyone wanted you when you were 25 you would have done the exact same thing. I hate to agree with Spike Lee, but he is right-“the days of the $40 million slave are over…he is a free agent if he wants to go, he goes.” And this quote by Gilbert here goes beyond just wishful thinking and right into complete insanity:

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE"

Yeah ok…It’s very easy to be self-righteous when no one is recruiting you so vigorously. It’s kinda like a man hating on Tiger Woods for fooling around on his wife. Yeah let’s see how faithful your bald, fat ass would be if everyone wanted to fuck you in an Applebee’s parking lot.

Eventhough I did predict that Spain (The JB Random Report 6/17/10) would make it to the World Cup finals, I think I might be persuaded to root for The Netherlands…
This World Cup has been great for so many reasons, least of all being the promises by both Diego Maradona and Larissa Riquelme involving nudity. Dutch porn star Bobbi Eden however, appears to have outdone them all… Eden wrote on her Twitter page that she "will give a BJ to all my followers" if the Netherlands wins the World Cup this weekend. How thoughtful of her. OK so where can I get a Twitter account again?

If it’s almost MLB All-Star weekend, then it’s time for the baseball world to discuss who will be a Yankee in a few weeks to get them to the World Series. This time, it’s Cliff Lee from the Mariners. And believe it or not, I think they might even sign him to a long term deal and eat that contract. Ok before you go crazy just consider this… Javier Vasquez is still interesting in the National League so he could be trade bait, no one knows what the hell Andy Pettitte is gonna do at the end of the year, and it’s not like the Yankees can’t afford to sign Lee.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Lindsay Lohan and everyone around her; combined with the fact that so many people are this interested when so much more is going on in the world. Shame on you and your suspenders, Larry King! How can you have her fame-hungry father on for a whole segment and still call yourself a serious journalist?

The JB Random Report 7/1/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Ok why are the Russians still spying on us? The Cold War is over, you lost, deal with it. Seriously, a country that can’t even afford to heat itself in the winter yet has more billionaires than any other nation has to have a population so self centered and lost that even with our secrets they would still get their vodka-drenched asses kicked. Did you see that one red headed hottie spy? I wonder what her “Bond Girl” name would have been? You know who I think is a Russian spy is that Mikhail Prokhorov guy. Think about it…why else would anyone buy a shitty team like the New Jersey Nets unless it was to undermine national security?

And how cool is Elena Kagen? Even in the face of utter stupidity she has kept her wit, intelligence and sense of humor during her Senate confirmation hearings. Although a bit flustered at times, she has been smart enough not to get baited into criticizing the Roberts court and has wisely stayed away from controversial issues by referring to them as “accepted law.” Seriously how bad has the Republican nit-picking become when even former or current or sometimes (I can’t keep up) Republican Arlen Spector gets cranky just asking questions?

SPORTS

Team USA got some respect and new fans with their performance in this year’s World Cup, not much more to say except, we’ll get ‘em next time!

Ever since I’ve been watching the World Cup, I have always rooted for Argentina. And I know that Diego Maradona, current head coach of the Argentine national team, despite being a complete asshole, is a revered God in Latin America. All the more reason to watch the World Cup games on Univision instead of ESPN or ABC, because the announcers on the Latin channels are so much more entertaining. Not better mind you, not more knowledgeable about the game, just so ridiculous and partial it’s hysterical. I like Maradona just as much as the next guy, but when you spend over 2:34 minutes (I actually used a stopwatch) talking about how cool Maradona’s wristwatch is, you are not commentating, you are kissing ass.

And speaking of Maradona, we all know that he has promised (threatened is more like it) that he will run around naked if Argentina should win the World Cup. Well here is a considerably better story on someone clearly inspired by him…
Larissa Riquelme, a Paraguayan lingerie model who loves her national team, has pledged to run naked through the streets "with my body painted with the colors of Paraguay" if Paraguay should win the World Cup.
Umm…Two things: 1- I think I just might have changed who I’m rooting for. 2- I’ve never wanted to be a Cell Phone so much in my entire life!

Well, the free agent negotiations have finally started in the NBA, and I still don’t care where LeBron James ends up.


THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I really hope Tiger Woods’ bevy of restaurant hostess and wanna-be reality TV star skanks was worth $750 million. $750 million. Dude what the FUCK were you thinking? Well the first thing should be, “I’m gonna fire whoever the fuck it was who told me to say it was anything other than a car accident that night.” Had he not gone public with his adultery, it would have been harder to prove in court. As a result, his wife now gets ¾ of his fortune, that she clearly did not help build (He was rich before they got married, and I’m quite sure she knew) their two houses, custody of the kids, and, an “anti-skank” clause in their settlement which stipulates that he cannot bring any girlfriends around the kids unless he gets remarried. Tiger, when you bang a trainload of bimbos who wanna be famous for shopping and nightclubbing and not for any real achievements, what do you think is gonna happen? Yeah, they are gonna come out of the woodwork like the fame-obsessed termites that they are. I firmly believe in the bro code, but you kinda had this one coming Tiger. Here’s hoping you get both your golf game, and your better judgment back soon…