The JB Random Report 4/30/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

“The First 100 Days” is a false timetable, created by the media during the Kennedy administration. Did you see Barack at that press conference? In only 100 days in office he’s developed a lot of gray hair hasn’t he? That must be one rough gig. I give the President a B. Why? Because even though I really like him and he is competent, unlike so many other people that either love him or hate him, I can be objective. 2 things he has yet to do that would have given him that elusive A.
1- He really hasn’t quite brought the promised bi-partisanship to Washington DC yet; something that he was very vocal about during the campaign.
2- He is taking forever to pick a cabinet and some of his choices have been questionable at best, un-confirmable at worst. Give him credit though, he isn’t letting the same dog bite him four times, and is doing thorough background checks on his future picks. Still, it shouldn’t take this long.

I don’t think I’d wanna live anywhere else besides New York unless I had to, but every once in a while…
Imagine how proud I was when I realized that of the over 100 confirmed cases of Swine Flu in the United States, 49 are in New York, all connected to my borough of Queens. 160 confirmed deaths in Mexico? Wow, if there were any justification for that electrified fence along our southern border this is it. Lou Dobbs must be wetting himself.

And just in case that swine flu doesn’t scare the shit out of you, The White House Military Office (Am I the only one that never knew this office?) will provide plenty of excitement. Ahhh, Director Louis Calderathe, a word of advice if I may…We New Yorkers are a bit touchy when it comes to planes flying so close to our skyscrapers. Call us paranoid, but let’s just say we have our reasons. So when you fly a 747 with an F-16 Falcon as a tail so low to the ground, even if it’s only because you want a nice picture with the Statue of Liberty, we tend to get a bit nervous. So if you could, I don’t know, TELL SOMEONE NEXT TIME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE we would really appreciate it.

Fearing that he would not win his party’s nomination in his home state of Pennsylvania, Senator Arlen Specter decided to change parties this week. When Al Franken (I still can’t believe that shit) gets confirmed in Minnesota, Democrats will control 60% of the Senate and can theoretically block any filibuster by the Republicans. If you don’t know why that’s important, look it up cause I don’t have time to explain it to your dumb ass. This is just another unexpected move by a guy who really has stood alone his entire career. Talk about a maverick. Now that he’s a democrat, do you think he’ll finally admit that “magic bullet” theory of his in the Warren Report was really stupid?

Do you realize that even if I don’t watch Idol and say “They voted off a white guy” I’d still be right?

DIET & NUTRITION

I’m really feeling that KFC grilled chicken, it’s actually pretty good as far as shitty fast food goes. I’m not all the way across yet, because I still believe that no grown up should ever wanna eat anything named “Pan-normous”

Two words women love to hear about a man…”Body Control”

SPORTS

Is the NFL Draft over yet?

And now, a brief glimpse into the past…1992 was one of my all time favorite years. Nirvana was the biggest band in the world, jeans got really baggy, a Snapple never cost more than $1, and no one knew who the fuck Monica Lewinsky was.
The debate between who was better, Ken Griffey Jr. or Barry Bonds raged on, the Yankees were not the best team in the American League East, and how ‘bout them Cowboys!
In the NBA, Magic Johnson was hinting at a comeback, Michael Jordan was the best player in the world, and the Bulls were the defending champs. In the Atlantic Division, an up and coming team just hired a great, well respected coach, and had made the playoffs. That team was the New York Knicks, and that coach was Pat Riley. When the Bulls and Knicks faced off in the second round of the playoffs, no one really gave the Knicks a chance. And why should they? But the Knicks showed no fear and took a 3-2 lead after game 5 (a game that I was at, by the way). Even non-Knick fans (like me) rooted for them. They lost game 6, and put up a great fight in game 7, but ultimately lost in Chicago. However, they were the only team to take the Bulls to 7 games that year. I say this because it was the last time the playoffs were really fun, exciting, and unpredictable, until now. Chicago is providing us with some amazing basketball once again, only this time as the underdog against the champion Boston Celtics. These games are totally worth watching again.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A civilization is always judged by the art they leave behind. Why do we think that the Neanderthals were well, Neanderthals? Because they painted stick figures on a wall in a cave. Why is the Renaissance considered the most enlightened time in human history? Because Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel and Leonardo Da Vinci catalogued the human body with such precision that his work is the basis of modern medicine. My generation will be judged by “Wonderwall,” “Come as You Are,” “Fake Plastic Trees,” and “Halo Fourteen.” This generation will be judged by some shit called “Kiss Me Thru the Phone.” What is that? Obviously you don’t have to have a brain, know how to spell or have anything meaningful to say to make money in music today, so I decided to write my own song called “Let Me Feel Ur Ass Thru Twitter,” but it hasn’t made the charts yet.

The Academy of the Overrated 4/23/09

Anoop should have been saved on Idol so this show is officially wack.

There was some ugly looking chick named Perez Hilton on Larry King the other night ranting about gay marriage. From what I understand, he/she was hosting some beauty contest and asked a question about gay marriage to a contestant. Why he expected any type of intellectually sophisticated answer from one of these nimrods is beyond me, but apparently the girl went all “un-PC” on him and said she believed that marriage was between a man and a woman. She didn’t actually say she was against it, just responded to the question with her own personal beliefs, which she has every right to. Well Hilton was very un-ladylike in his response, calling her names later on and creating some bizarre media catfight, which I usually wouldn’t give two shits about until this…
The beauty queen, whose name is Carrie Prejean did the conservative media rounds, going on Fox News to defend herself, but then she went on Billy Bush’s radio show saying she believes her comment on gay marriage "cost me my crown," but she "wouldn't have had it any other way. I said what I feel." Which, once again, she has a right to do. No one should be force-fed political correctness, and although I may not totally agree with her, I respect her for not being socially bullied by irrelevant no talents like Perez Hilton. However, this nitwit did go on to say that "my sister is a second lieutenant in the Air Force and she is a gay rights activist." Uhh Carrie, are you aware that the military has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on homosexuality, and that you just might have cost an officer her military career because you wanted to make a point?

Unless you are a Somali pirate, a suicidal CEO of Freddie Mac (I know that’s harsh but I have no sympathy for these fuckers) it’s been a slow news week hasn’t it? So I have decided to begin a new segment of the JB Random Report that will be available from time to time. Feel free to add suggestions to this growing academy that I will gladly give you credit for.
Do you know how sacred cows in our society even develop? Because we let them. It’s time to fight back and be the one to say, “this actually sucks” so allow me to begin by proudly presenting the first induction class of…

THE JB RANDOM REPORT ACADEMY OF THE OVERRATED

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. How that stock went up so fast last year is beyond me. They taste like sugar-coated grease. Ewwwwwww…

The Who. They had some good songs in the late 60’s and early 70’s but come on, 2 of them dropped dead, they have made no new records since 1982 and yet they are still gladly taking your money by touring and calling themselves one of the world’s greatest rock bands.

Cold Stone Ice Cream. While eating one of those half-melted overly-sweetened concoctions, you can almost hear yourself getting fatter.

Reality Television. It’s not real anymore if the people on those shows become celebrities is it? And it’s an even bigger disappointment when you realize that some “spontaneous” dramas are played up or staged.

Starbuck’s Coffee. Look, the longer your Starbuck’s order is, the bigger the asshole you are. I ordered a plain black coffee once and the girl behind the counter responded with a nervous look of utter confusion.

Female ejaculation. Yeah it’s nice to make a girl squirt once in a while, it’s good for the male ego. But a woman doesn’t need to resurrect the parting of the Red Sea to have an orgasm, and do you have any idea how much laundry is involved?

Jim Morrison’s Poetry. The Doors were a great band, but to say that their lead singer Jim Morrison was some sort of profound thinking Robert Frost is bullshit.

Playstation 3. X-Box 360 has better graphics and better games, just not as many.

The New England Patriots. Ok so maybe they have won 3 Super Bowls in this century, and even after getting beat in the greatest upset in Super Bowl history by the New York Giants last year, and not even making the playoff this year, they are still considered by many as the team to beat. But their 3 Super Bowl wins are by an average of only three points, which means they never really dominated any team, they just had a luckier kicker at the end of the game. The Dallas Cowboys won three Super Bowls in the 1990’s, and those were beatdowns, won by an average of 20.6 points.

Threesomes. Those who have only fantasized about them are the only ones in shock right now. Not that they are not fun, sometimes even awe inspiring, and don’t get me wrong, when the opportunity arrives, take it. It’s just that most of the time one girl always ends up getting pissed off at the end (sometimes even during) and totally killing the sexual buzz of the moment. Just be prepared for that.

The JB Random Report 4/16/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Raise your hand if you really don’t give a shit about the White House dog…

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

Six years after shooting a woman in his house, Phil Spector has finally been found guilty of murder. Nice to see that the California legal system is still as swift and efficient as ever. He faces 15 to life, but for a 69 year old man, 15 is life. I don’t know what the future holds for this man, but I really don’t think jail is in it for some reason. Some of you might not know who Spector is, but I assure you whatever music you listen to, even the horrid pigeon vomit that is constantly played on the radio today, was influenced by this man. He is the most innovative producer in the history of popular music, proven by this mere fraction of his body of work. You may know some of these…

“Unchained Melody” - The Righteous Brothers
“River Deep, Mountain High”- Ike & Tina Turner
“Instant Karma” - John Lennon
“Rock n Roll High School” – The Ramones
“Let It Be” – The Beatles

That he turned into a paranoid gun toting maniac during the middle of his life is sad, but his genius can’t be denied. Is it me or does Judge Larry Paul Fidler look like Bruce Willis in that latest “Die Hard” movie?

Idol is getting so lame I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to make it until the end. That "only 2 judges at a time" crap was horrible, we wanna hear Simon every time, and this wouldn’t be necessary if they would just get rid of that new girl.
Getting Quentin Tarantino to mentor during movie music week was smart. He has an excellent sensibility in choosing music for film. Just think back to “Girl You’ll Be a Woman Soon” in “Pulp Fiction” or “Stuck in the Middle with You” during that famous scene in “Reservoir Dogs.” (hang on to your ears). I would have voted off Miley Cyrus on tonight’s show. So who got eliminated? Oh yeah…some white guy. Wasn’t he eliminated last week? How did the same white guy get saved if he was eliminated last week? Was it a different white guy? I’m so confused…

SPORTS

You know you are getting old when you have seen an athlete’s career both begin, and end. Oscar De La Hoya announced his retirement this week, and I saw him fight in the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona. I guess the debate should begin as the whether or not De La Hoya deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. He actually lost most of his big fights, and only fought 45 times in a 16 year career. Julio Cesar Chavez fought 45 times in one night, but that was against 29 cab drivers, 10 cocktail waitresses, and 6 midgets.
That being said, De La Hoya was the biggest non heavyweight draw ever, a 10 time world champion in 6 weight classes, and he did something few boxers do, which is transcend his sport and gain celebrity status beyond the ring. I knew so many girls that knew nothing about boxing, but knew who De La Hoya was.
I can’t say I’m a De La Hoya fan, but I truly respect the fact that he never ducked any opponent. I gained more respect for him after his losses because of that. However, he never achieved the status in the ring of a Roberto Duran or Sugar Ray Leonard, which he could have had he ever had that one epic rivalry to cement his legacy as a great fighter. There was no Ali-Fraiser, Robinson-Gatti, or Hagler-Hearns in his career. He lost both fights with no controversy to Shane Mosley, never gave another fighter that beat him or came close a rematch. John John Molina, Ike Quartey and Pernell Whittaker (who was robbed in that fight) come to mind there. And what about a rematch with Felix Trinidad? That would have been a bigger draw than their first fight.
His genius however, is as a promoter and money maker. I have said this before, if I were De La Hoya I would have retired a long time ago. He made more money in his first ten years than fighters who were much better than him made in their entire careers. You can make the argument that it was only because of his appeal, but you can’t blame that on De La Hoya. Believe me if Trinidad could speak English and were better looking he would have done the same thing. De La Hoya is so smooth that even if you beat him, you end up working for him. Right Shane Mosley and Bernard Hopkins? I just hope he doesn’t get so bored in retirement that he makes another fucking mariachi record.

Three time Olympic gold medalist and fastest man in the world, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt admitted that he has tried marijuana. Wow…what a shock…a Jamaican smoking weed. I guess that explains the smoke coming out of the back of those golden shoes of his.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I love the Yankees, I supported the new stadium. Yankee fans deserve a state of the art place to watch the greatest sports franchise in the history of the world (remember there is no team in any sport anywhere in the world with more championships). I like gourmet beef too. What does one have to do with the other you ask? Well I asked myself the same question when I found out that Zagat rated Lobel’s Butcher Shop has a location in Yankee Stadium. Am I the only one that has no recollection of anyone saying “I have a sudden urge to bring home a pound of ground chuck” after a baseball game? It’s bad enough that they have a lame ass Hard Rock Café at the ballpark, but this is beyond overdoing it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Babe Ruth loved a good steak sandwich, but it’s a ballpark, not a luxury food mall. A Sushi bar? A Farmer’s Market? What the hell does that have to do with baseball? If that sushi bar is anywhere near the bleachers you are gonna have a lot of sushi eaters getting the sushi beaten out of them. It’s bad enough that ticket prices are outrageous, but places like this at a ballpark just turns the game from the national pastime to a playground for elitist assholes who know little about baseball, and everything about being assholes.

The JB random Report 4/9/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Ok, how fucked must our economy be when the illegal Mexicans in North Carolina are actually sneaking back into Mexico?

Barack Obama isn’t exactly lighting it up is he? I know he is dealing with a lot of crises, both at home and abroad. There’s that missile launch by that crazy little fucker ruling North Korea, Somali pirates taking Americans hostage, and of course the financial situation that is now finding its way to international markets as well. However, it is the responsibility of the President to provide steady leadership in unsettling times…so dude, how could you not throw out the first pitch on Opening day of the 2009 Major League Baseball season? I know you were hanging with the troops in Iraq, but even they would have rather seen you throw out the first pitch, and it’s not like they are going anywhere anytime soon, you could have seen them on the next trip.

Looks like those accusations of prosecutorial misconduct in the Ted Stevens case actually have some teeth. However, and correct me if I’m wrong, shouldn’t the charges be dismissed after a complete investigation and not just because a defendant cried misconduct?

SPORTS

That’s two national championships in 4 years for Roy Williams and North Carolina. It’s awesome baaaaby!!!. Not only great for Tar Heel fans like me, but it’s good for the sport of college basketball as well. In what I’m hoping is a new and welcome trend in college sports, these kids could have gone to the NBA last year but instead decided to keep their team together for a run at a championship much like the Florida Gators did in 2006 and 2007. If you leave early for the pros, sure you can always come back and get your degree, a lot of guys do. But you are only a student-athlete once in your life, and you should allow that time to run its course so that you can look back on it fondly. Why an 18 or 19 year old would want to put the pressures of performing at a multi-million dollar a year job on himself is beyond me, besides the multi-million dollars of course. It’s not like the pros won’t be there when you get your degree, and you would have a lot more than just a piece of paper. You will have four years of building character, something sorely lacking in most NBA players today. Why do you think the NBA is 50% foreign born?
And I’ll probably talk about this later when draft time comes, but let’s stop all this ridiculous analysis of Tyler Hansbrough and whether or not he will be a good NBA player. How is it that the all-time leading scorer in the ACC (that’s right, he scored more than Michael Jordan), National Player of the Year and leader of the National Championship team be over rated? And saying that Jordan, Bob McAdoo or James Worthy would have been just as decorated had they stayed in school is like me saying that I would have kicked Felix Trinidad’s ass had he returned my phone calls in 1999. You can’t blame the fact that these players left early on Hansbrough. Is he the second coming of Karl Malone? probably not, but a young Charles Oakley certainly comes to mind. No one in the NBA will out work him, and he is a winner. How many lottery picks in the last ten years can say that? Most of them either went to college for one year because of the recent NBA age requirement or never even went to college at all, much less win any type of championship. So if you wanna vote against a player that gets what he wants go ahead. And by the way, it’s not racist to say that Hansbrough, who is white, out works everyone. Because he actually does out work everyone, and I assure you race has nothing to do with it.

The first pitch of Opening Day has been thrown…all of a sudden my world makes sense to me again.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

Finally some drama on Idol. I really thought Scott was gonna be saved last night. He really was the most likeable contestant, but being legally blind does have its advantages, at least he doesn’t have to look at that Allison chick’s hideous hair color. Last time I saw hair like that it was getting chased by a 4 year old during a White House Lawn Easter Egg Hunt. Here’s an image…put a hat and a maid’s uniform on her. There…now doesn’t she look like every cleaning lady that has done every hotel room you’ve ever stayed in?

And you gotta love that Kim Kardashian chick. Aside from having huge cans and sleeping with your favorite athletes, her delusions will give you plenty to laugh about as well. I skimmed through this magazine yesterday and saw that she said, and I had to look for this before I quoted it, “I would love to be a Bond girl, that would be my dream of life." Dream of your life huh? Why do we celebrate this moron? I mean besides the fact that she has a huge rack and loves to make sex tapes? If she wants to be in a movie, have her call me, I have various roles available in a few “home made” videos she would be perfect for.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Glenn Beck

Some Random Thoughts 4/1/09

First…Some RANDOM THOUGHTS…

If I have you on Facebook, I think you already know that I’m slowly becoming addicted to those “Pick 5” lists. They go from the general, “Top Five Video Games” to the very specific, “Top Five Woody Allen Movies.” So I try to limit myself to filling out just one a day, but I have to admit that getting a year older has changed my sensibilities just a bit. I can create some hysterical lists and I want to, but my gall just isn’t what it used to be. I was so tempted to participate in one that I did not write, the “Top 5 Women I would Most Like to Go Down On,” until I realized I have my high school English teacher and mentor on Facebook. I just couldn’t do it, so I created a considerably milder one. I must be growing soft in my old age.

Anyone know where I can get a Members Only jacket? I feel so fashionably inadequate without one.

I’m also in need of a motorized bar stool like that retard from Ohio was driving when he crashed and was actually stopped for a DUI. People say that I unfairly pick on southerners and hillbillies, but come on, they make it easy with stories like this.

You know you grew up in the 90’s if you can quote Quentin Tarantino more than William Shakespeare.

Nothing puts a spring in your step quite like being in your 30’s and still getting proofed at a restaurant.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I’m the last guy that wants to pick on Barack Obama’s administration, it’s getting enough hits as it is. But the more I see of Eric Holder, the less I like him. First this asshole calls the United States a “nation of cowards,” and now he bravely decides not to continue the case against already convicted criminal Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska. Justice said it was because there were allegations of prosecutorial misconduct and because Stevens, who was the longest serving Senator at the time, is 185 years old. Look, anyone convicted of a crime is gonna cry misconduct by the prosecution, Holder being the US Attorney General and all, should know that already….what a dick.

Didn’t Queen Elizabeth II look like a hand puppet next to Michelle Obama?

And it’s nice to see the two countries primarily responsible for World War II working together again to achieve total chaos in the world. France (assholes) and Germany have threatened to walk out of the G-20 Summit unless real financial reform is made. Sure, let’s leave it up to you two assholes; you have a great track record keeping Europe and the rest of the world stable.

I had no idea that President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner of Argentina was such a hottie. And you thought Sarah Palin was a MILF. If she flirts with Gordon Brown enough, maybe they’ll give back The Falklands.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

Have you checked out “That Metal Show” on VH1 Classic? Damn did you ever think those guys would get so old? Not that I don’t enjoy seeing how the hair metal bands I hated as a kid are now working at 7-11, but what's totally appalling are those 40something metal chicks in the studio audience, blissfully unaware that the party, like their look, is over. Maybe they were hot once, but now they look like they were beaten up one too many times backstage at a Motorhead concert.

I'm just not feeling Idol this season. So a white chick got booted this week...didn't I say that last week? Who would name anyone Lil Rounds? She should change her name to Big Round Ass. And when can we vote off that new judge? And who the fuck is Lady Gaga? Seriously why is this no talent with a bad wig in my life on my TV? And why does she cover one eye with a zipper? Does a dick come out when she opens it?

SPORTS

Why the fuck would a flake like Kobe Bryant stare down Michael Jordan after hitting one jumpshot? Did he forget the ass whoopings Jordan gave him when he was playing? Is he aware that Jordan is Jordan and that he is a flake who can’t lead a team? For a minute I thought Jordan was gonna take off that tan sport coat, expose the red “S” on his chest, get in the game and remind him.

Those extra Police Command Centers you see around the new Yankee Stadium will be needed to handle the considerable extra volume of arrests that will be made now that the Yankees have decided to sell beer in the bleachers.

In the history of International qualifying, Argentina has never lost as badly as they did to Bolivia today. 6 to1 are you kidding? Look, there is no denying that Diego Armando Maradona was both a complete asshole, and one of the greatest soccer players ever, but great players rarely make great coaches, and this might be yet a further illustration of that point.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I rarely compel any of my readers to go to a website, but this is something you really need to see. It was brought to my attention a while ago, but after giving it a second look I realized how this reflects our current society, and I’m a bit ashamed.

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

Everything on this website is uniquely American. Usually that would make me swell with pride, but this shit will just make you swell. When you give your food names like “The Thunderdome,” “The Porkgasm,” “The Homewrecker,” The Thruminator,” “The Bacon Donut,” and “The McGangBang,” it’s not hard to see why we are going in the direction we are going in.
Then imagine how I felt when one of the dishes on this site, “The Kitchen Sink,” I immediately recognized as having originated in a restaurant in my neighborhood. A place I happen to love, but will not admit to, nor give promotion to.