The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2009

I hope you all had as wonderful a festive Christmas, spent with great family and friends, as I did; Got a lot of great gifts, but once again the Holy Grail of Christmas gifts eluded me…The RedEnvelope Beer Holster. Well, maybe next year

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – “The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care.” – Sarah Palin. Her complete and utter stupidity would be entertaining if it weren’t so dangerous. Her lies are targeted towards her main audience, dumb people. And unfortunately we have a few in this country that believe everything that comes out of this woman’s mouth, no matter how far fetched and ridiculous.

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “Californication.” Once again. Look, its not like I don’t wanna recognize other shows, but you have to understand that 1- I really don’t watch a lot of television, and 2- any show that has an angry Rick Springfield banging a stripper while singing one of his own songs out loud then starting a fire in the bedroom simply cannot be ignored. The predictable ending to season 3 was a bit of a letdown, but it was still the best show of the year.

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – The Health Care Debate. The fact that Republicans are so animate about wanting universal health care to die just proves that these people are so consumed by their own greed that they are willing to be on the wrong side of history. 60-40 were exactly the numbers I expected to pass that watered down health care bill with no public option and no sanctions against the criminal insurance industry, but at least it’s a start.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR – It’s a tie between the equally sad and fame obsessed Octomom and that Kate Plus 8 lady. Both of you will be hated by your offspring for ignoring your children’s welfare for the sake of your own D-list celebrity.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Fiction) – “The Lost Symbol” / Dan Brown. I hate the hype, but damn his books are cool reads. And even though the movie was not bad, I don’t read those “Twilight” books.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Non- Fiction) – “What Would Keith Richards Do? Daily Affirmations From a Rock and Roll Survivor”/Jessica Pallington West. I ask myself that question everyday. I don’t know if this is really “non-fiction” because it’s not really a biography and it is “unauthorized” by its subject, but the quotes are real.

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Kanye West. Being an asshole amongst assholes at the MTV Awards is difficult enough, but at a charity event "Common & Friends Benefit Concert," that featured performances by Nas, De La Soul, Queen Latifah and more, this dimwit threw a fit backstage when he saw someone eating chicken, because he hadn't been offered any. The quote was "Why wasn't I offered chicken? You want me to perform for free, everyone is eating... why am I not eating?" What a dick. Here’s hoping the new year makes him go away.

POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – I would say Joe Biden just because he has been Vice President for nearly a year and has yet to thrust his foot firmly in his mouth. This year’s award goes to someone who can certainly shape policy (although they will never admit to that) but is not considered a politician. Suffolk County Judge Jeffrey Spinner wins for erasing $525,000 in mortgage payments that OneWest Bank was demanding from a couple in his jurisdiction, over half of the debt being interest payments. What assholes. The decision left the couple completely debt-free on their home. Spinner slammed the bank's "harsh, repugnant, shocking and repulsive" acts and said the bank "must be appropriately sanctioned so as to deter it from imposing further mortifying abuse." I’m writing this guy in for governor of New York in the next election.

FELONY CONVICTION OF THE YEAR – I was kinda hoping this would go to New York State Senator and asshole Hiram Monserratt, but alas, it was not to be.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Up In The Air” I didn’t see a lot of movies this year, so I don’t know if this movie is as good as I thought it was, but it was really good.

DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR – “Capitalism: A Love Story.” In these economic times, how could it not be a Michael Moore film? Props to “Tyson.” Difficult to watch at times, but necessary.

COOLEST MOVIE WITH NO OVERLY FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT – “District 9” In a year that had so many big films, it was a pleasant surprise to see an intelligent, well written science fiction film.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “Only By The Night”/Kings of Leon. Look I have hyped this band for two years. They were last year’s JB Random Report’s Coolest Band of the Year, and I still can’t stop listening to this record. I saw them in September and it was an amazing show.

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT - "Got Some (live)"/Pearl Jam

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Slow Poison” / The Bravery. Just awesome, I’ve liked this band since 2005. I think they might be my next year’s Kings of Leon. Even the album cover is refreshingly original.

COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR – Bloc Party. A really good album and even better live show in 2009. I really hope they don’t end up on some reality TV show.

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The New York Yankees. I have never seen a team come together the way these guys did this year. Now you can argue that rooting for this team isn’t cheap, from the huge contracts to bloated ticket prices, and you would be right, but you can’t say that you don’t get what you pay for. World Series or not, this team came from behind to win 50 times, and walked off to win 16 times. And like it or not, they were both entertaining and exciting. This team kept you watching till the end. And this year, “the end” was order being restored to the Universe as the greatest sports franchise in the history of sports won its 27th championship.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Mariano Rivera. He has been my favorite Yankee since 1996, and this year he was his usual great self, only this time I really thought he was finally going to be recognized for it. I don’t care who won what award in baseball this year, Rivera was grossly overlooked by the sports media this and pretty much every year, but not by me or anyone who really knows baseball.
I want to notably mention that Jimmie Johnson won his 4th Sprint Cup Championship even though I really don’t follow NASCAR (probably cuz I don’t wear cowboy boots or have intercourse with my relatives). But a great achievement none the less.

OVER-RATED ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Danicka Patrick makes a great deal of money by picking fights with male drivers who are too gentlemanly to put her head in a wall, posing half naked, and not winning any races this year. It is good work if you can get it, and I sure as hell won’t criticize her as a spokesperson, you go girl! But as a race car driver? Well…

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE – Last year it was Oscar De La Hoya, and he promptly obliged by retiring last year. This year, the award goes to yet another boxer, who I deeply respect and admire, but Evander Holyfield, when the only fight you can get is in South Korea, come on man, don’t do this to yourself and your legacy.

SPORTS TRAGEDY OF THE YEAR – Very well endowed tennis player Simona Halep, 34DD getting a breast reduction. Not even numerous Facebook groups designed to stop this unfortunate event could keep her from making the unkindest cut of all.

RACIST OF THE YEAR –Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald T. Sterling has agreed to pay a record $2.725 million to settle allegations that he discriminated against African Americans, Hispanics and families with children while filling vacancies in apartment buildings he owns in and around Los Angeles. I was actually surprised by this at first, then that whole “getting rid of your good players while signing a stiff like Steve Novak” thing started to make sense to me. No wonder the Clippers have sucked for over two decades.

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – For the first time in the history of the JB Random Report, this category will also give us a tie, only the second tie in the history of the awards…So the Dead People of the year are both Senator Ted Kennedy and Michael Jackson.

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!

The JB Random Report 12/17/09

SPORTS

Can someone tell me how this Tiger “Athlete of the Decade” Woods situation went from a traffic accident, to a tabloid story about his zipper problem that has caused him to take a “break from golf” which is going to cost him and the sport millions of dollars, to now, accusations that he is linked to an HGH distributor? I’d wanna take a break too, a considerably long one, if these were the media vultures I had to deal with every day of my life. Public curiosity is one thing, but this obsession with the personal lives of even moderate celebrities is really a negative reflection on our society and what we have become as one.
And as if he didn’t have enough shit to deal with, now the many different skanks he banged are all trying to get on daytime TV to call themselves “victims of his infidelity” Are you fucking kidding me? The only thing you boneheads are a victim of is your own stupidity thinking that a married millionaire is gonna leave his wife for you.

About three years ago, I wrote about this trio of great pitchers that the New York Yankees had in their farm system. Two of them, Joba Chamberlain and Phil Hughes, have had steady positions on the Yankee World Series winning pitching staff. However, the one with the best stuff and best control, Ian Kennedy, has had some setbacks. He was ineffective when brought up in 2007, and has since had some injuries that have kept him out off the field for a while, the most serious being an aneurysm under his arm. Last week he was involved in the three way trade that sent Curtis Granderson to the Yankees, moving him to Arizona. I don’t follow the Diamondbacks at all, but I hope he does well. Being with the Yankees is advanced baseball citizenship, there really isn’t a big window for development as you are expected to produce right away. Not everyone responds or succeeds under this pressure, I don’t think he was around long enough to make a determination as to whether or not he was one of those guys, but it would have been nice to see him work out his kinks here instead of in Arizona.
As for the Yankees getting Granderson, I think it is a testament to how smart the Yankees are, as opposed to how much money they have. The Yankees are known for throwing money at big free agents, but this was one of those smart trades that the front office rarely gets credit for.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A few years ago, I also asked myself when the New York Times turned into The National Enquirer but with a Thesaurus. This news media scared cow went from the most respected newspaper in the United States, to writing useless, celebrity scandal-fueled drivel. Not to mention increasingly showing a liberal bias which I may agree with personally, but do not want in my news anymore than I want lemon peel shavings in my coffee. This week, they have given us yet another reason why it’s time to shut down. And I hope to see at least a token of fake outrage from another cow (although not as sacred) the tax-evading fat buffoon Al Sharpton, when he gets a hold of The New York Times annual online Holiday Gift Guide. A gift guide like no other; full of suggestions for children, young adults, travelers, and in their latest section, and I really can’t fucking believe this, a section for "people of color.'' The section starts with a brief introduction that says, "It's not hard to find gifts created for and by people of color this holiday season." Really? The guide lists 18 products that the rich liberal crowd who writes this shit believe have a special appeal to us darker folks. Among the gifts on the list are beauty and hair products, a henna kit, nail polish, Indian and Somali infused fashion designs, and one for my mom: the "Wise Latina" T-shirt. In doing some research, I managed to find some products and their slogans that didn’t quite make the cut this year, and decided to list them for you…

The “You Go Girl” Extra Strength Fake Nails Kit: “For when just slapping the ho who stole your man won’t do.” Guaranteed to not come off during an eye-gouging cat fight outside a strip club, liquor store or welfare office.
And for an additional $34.99, the “You Go Girl” Extra Strength Hair Extension Kit makes the same promise.

The Ivorytone Skin Whitening Kit. Do you hate your dark skin? Of course you do! So for you we have created this special skin bleaching system that will make you look considerably creepier than Michael Jackson and twice as scary as Sammy Sosa.

How to Talk, Think and Act Like a White Man in 4 Short Weeks. Need to land that job interview or rent an apartment in a nice building? This DVD series will have you observing then mastering the speech patterns and mannerisms of every white guy who has ever been on “Days of Our Lives,” as well as anyone black or white who ever served in the George W Bush administration. A perfect stocking stuffer for that relative who has just recently crossed the border illegally.

And the companion piece…

Mastering Madonna’s Fake British Accent. Are you a self-loathing recent immigrant? Does your urban background give you a heavy accent you would like to do away with? Well then there is nothing like observing an irrelevant hag faking an accent. Guaranteed to have you making shitty music and an ass out of yourself in front of actual British people in just 3 short weeks!

And one for the white folks…

The Complete Guide to Racial Slurs for Anyone that Doesn’t Look Like Me. Tired of the same old racial slurs for Muslim Americans? Want a new place for your misguided anger towards your own neighbors that had nothing to do with 9/11? This collection is filled with brand new insults for anyone who wears a turbon, has a long beard, drives a cab, works at 7-11 or just flat out can’t speak English. Forget the fact that Muslims don’t even wear turbons, or that Iraq never attacked us. Why let the boring fact that Hindus and Sikhs had absolutely nothing to do with any terrorist attacks on the US stop you from using this collection to remind anyone who is remotely different culturally that this is America and we hate you fuckers?

My Favorite Christmas Movies

There is nothing like putting up a Christmas tree to get you into the spirit of the holidays. Everyone knows how much I love Christmas, and if you live in New York, you have many reasons to love the holidays. Store windows, Rockefeller Center, The Bronx Zoo at night, etc. I also have a fondness for holiday movies, so I decided to list my favorites. Keep in mind, this is my self-indulgent, slow news week self telling you that these are my favorite Christmas movies, not the greatest, so White Christmas (classic songs, but whatever) Miracle on 34th Street (The 1947 version, the weak remake gets no mention here) and A Christmas Carol (1951 Alastair Sim version) are not here. Holiday TV specials are also omitted even though I love so many of them. So, in no particular order, see if this list gets you in the holiday spirit at all…

MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MOVIES

Scrooge 1971 – OK it is a story that has been told many times on film in many variations. I have never been a fan of musicals, not just because they can be so corny, but I have always had a problem with watching a story unfold then having characters just breaking out into song whenever the hell they feel like it. This one is different for some reason, and I don’t know why. Albert Finney isn’t exactly Beverly Sills or Bing Crosby so it wasn’t his voice. Who knows, but I love how this version stayed so true to the book, without the songs of course.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 1989 – There is nothing funnier than Chevy Chase freaking out at the end of the “Vacation” movies.

Joyeux Noel 2006 – This was inspired by a fascinating true event that took place during World War I, where German and Allied troops from both trenches decided to call a truce on Christmas Eve. The moments created in a situation like this must have been enormous for any soldier, at any time.

Better Off Dead 1985 – I don’t know if this is really a Christmas movie, but it sure is hysterically funny. John Cusack’s first “jilted lover” movie, but certainly not his last. TV dinners and Moose outfits under the tree…classic. Not to mention two Chinese immigrants who learned how to speak English watching Howard Cosell on Wide World of Sports.

It’s a Wonderful Life 1946 – OK does a bell ring in Heaven every time I get a cliché over with already? I can’t help it if I love this movie. Economic strife and contemplation of suicide notwithstanding, this is a great Christmas movie. It really is that simple, tradition or not.

Bad Santa 2003 – Probably the funniest Christmas movie ever. I can’t even think of a scene in this movie that isn’t funny in an odd, repulsive sort of way.

A Christmas Story 1983 – Probably the funniest Christmas movie ever. Is there anything more politically incorrect than having a group of Chinese waiters singing “Deck the Halls” in heavy Chinese accents?

Love Actually 2003 – Ok incredible amount of sap in this one, but I really liked it. So many over lapping story lines it was like the “Pulp Fiction” of romantic comedies.

Scrooged 1988 – No one plays this type of character like Bill Murray. In yet another overlooked role, he keeps you watching every frame wondering what he is going to do next. You would think that his character, when mistaken for Richard Burton by a group of homeless people, would tell them to go to hell, not start doing an over the top impression. Hysterical.

Fred Claus 2008 – Fuck You I liked it!

The JB Random Report 12/3/09

Barack Obama did something that Republicans just hate. He outlined a clear, concise plan of action in Afghanistan, and more importantly, explained to the American people why it was necessary. Karl Rove, criminal asshole who should have been put to death for treason, had the nerve to say that Obama was not forceful or emotional enough. If this is your biggest criticism of the plan - the delivery, then you are obviously reaching. It’s like hating a gourmet meal because your waiter gave you the wrong fork.
I think Fox News was just upset because the President was using them big ole’ fancy book learnin’ words that they just can’t seem to grasp, like “asunder” “rancor” and “other stuff.”
Look, no plan to go into, or to continue, a long war is gonna be popular, let’s get that straight. However, I would much rather hear a clear plan than no plan at all, which is what we have had for the past 8 years.

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT

Did you catch that Rock n Roll Hall of Fame 25th Anniversary Concert on HBO? It really was like watching the anti-MTV Video Music Awards…everyone on the show was actually accomplished and talented. But they are getting old. Except for David Crosby of course, who has been old since 1980. I thought smoking so much pot was supposed to slow the aging process.
I love Sting, but that beard makes him look like a hybrid of Tom Hanks in “Cast Away” and Howard Hughes in his final days.

You know Dion is getting old when he announces “Runaround Sue” then starts singing “The Wanderer.”

My favorite moments? Well I never thought I would live to see Metallica on stage with Lou Reed doing “Sweet Jane” that was actually pretty awesome. And for those of you playing a drinking game, it was at 1 hour and 58 minutes until someone finally said the word “fuck” on stage…thanks Ozzy!

And the organizers were very smart to give the only two bands that have successfully bridged the 80’s and today the most stage time…Metallica and U2. Now as much as I love U2, they could have done two more songs had Bono spoken less. Bruce Springsteen, U2 and Mick Jagger were an incredible collaboration, until the “Beyonce of White Chicks,” (Thanx Litz) Fergie decided to join them. And WHY of all the amazing songs they could have done, do Mick and Bono decide to do “Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of?” I am hating that song more and more and they just won’t let it die. Wasn’t BB King at the show? The three of them could have done an amazing version of “When Love Comes to Town.”

They ended the show with who I’m guessing is Rock n’ Roll’s new sacred cow (given that so many of them are dropping dead, they want a “youngster” in his 60’s) Bruce Springsteen, who has removed any and all doubt that he is in love with the sound of his own voice, proven by the fact that instead of playing a hit that the audience would be familiar with, decides to play his longest song “Jungleland.” A great song, but save it for one of your own shows, dude.
Nice to see John Fogerty still wearing the same flannel shirt from CCR’s 1973 tour. I am a bit surprised that Springsteen decided to do “Oh Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison, I would have thought it gave him uncomfortable flashbacks from the “Black & White Night” show where he had his ass handed to him trying to duel the great James Burton on the Telecaster. Don’t remember it you say? Check out the video bar section>>>

I thought a duet with Billy Joel was a great idea until it became obvious that he was reading the lyrics to “Born to Run” on a teleprompter.

Most disturbing image of the night? Aretha Franklin was quietly asked to leave and never return after she ate Little Anthony and one of the Imperials.

SPORTS

Derek Jeter can win the Sports Illustrated “Sportsman of the Year” (The first Yankee to do so, by the way) but not an American League MVP? Great.

Speaking of great Yankees, RIP to the great Tommy Henrich, the four time World Series Champion passed away at 96 years old. Henrich, along with Charley Keller and Joe DiMaggio, formed what many Yankee fans believe to be the greatest overall outfield in Yankee history. Of course Earl Combs, Bob Meusel and Babe Ruth may dispute that, but just the fact that you can have this argument about one team should be further testament that the Yankees are the greatest franchise in the history of sports.

It was “Black Tuesday” for NCAA Division I coaches. I didn’t have to be Nostradamus to predict that Charlie Weis was history at Notre Dame, but Bobby Bowden is another story. Not that it wasn’t clearly eminent, but it’s still hard to cope with. Florida State will not be the same without him, and after 34 years and two National Championships, he should not have been forced out like that, there was no history or respect for that football program until Bowden took that job. I loved rooting for this team, they are my favorite college football team, but I have no idea who the fuck Jimbo Fisher is, so I will take my time.

As for the latest on the Iverson watch, it looked like for a minute he would kill my bit by retiring quietly…but who are we kidding? After announcing his retirement, he supposedly met with his former coaches, who I guess talked him out of it. Then with executives from the team where he had his greatest years, the Philadelphia 76ers and he suddenly came out of retirement to sign for the veteran’s minimum to play in Philly again. Wow, that was a short retirement.

And finally…can someone explain to me why Tiger Woods felt the need to admit “indiscretions” in his marriage just because he had a traffic accident? Dude you went to Stanford, you are supposed to be smarter than that.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Steven Segal: Lawman. What the fuck is this?

The JB Random Report 11/24/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

OK now even the fucking drywall that we get from China is tainted. It damages homes and might even cause health problems. Just ask New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton, he was on CNN complaining that the fumes and chipping of the drywall caused electrical failure in his home. After an investigation, 3 noxious gasses were found in the drywall, and a class action suit has been filed by homeowners in Florida, Louisiana and Virginia…good luck collecting. Whether it’s lead paint on children’s toys, red eggs, and now drywall, it really is time to stop buying shit from these people before they kill us.
Now I have to admit, the Chinese do get an “A” for effort, at least when it’s their own people getting poisoned. Yesterday they executed a dairy farmer and a milk salesman for their roles in a scheme to boost profits by lacing milk powder with the industrial chemical melamine; another 19 were convicted and received lesser sentences. At least six children died after drinking the tainted formula, and more than 300,000 got sick. And I didn’t know that China executes more people than the rest of the world combined…even more than Texas! Damn…one more thing they beat us in.

I have always said that California should be allowed to cecede from the Union, their ridiculous criminal justice system lets famous people repeatedly get away with murder, they have a steady stream of natural disasters including, but not limited to, rouge waves, earthquakes and wildfires, and to win an elected office all you have to do is be an aging medicore movie actor (Ronald Reagan, Arnold Shwarzenegger), a pot smoking ex-flower child (Jerry Brown) or just an asshole (Willie Brown).
One thing they do have though, is the nation's most permissive medical marijuana law. Almost a step in the right direction until… Some California children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, are now being treated with marijuana. Nice move, government-that-is-charged-with-protecting-me-and-my-family. Needless to say there are some people that might have a problem with the state getting their kids high. California has issued over 36,000 medical marijuana cards since 2004. Mind you, since ganja has yet to be put through the FDA approval process, very few reliable studies have been conducted to show how it may affect ADHD. But let’s get the kids high anyway! It will shut them up and give them the munchies for a few hours, leaving the shitty parents free to watch the Home Shopping Network and download porn.

SPORTS

Remember back in week 5 when I told J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets! fans not to worry? Well…you can worry now. After starting so well that team is in deep trouble. They can’t seem to score or make a stop, and that is kinda what you have to do to win football games.

As I predicted (JB Random Report 9/4/09) Joe Mauer is the AL MVP, but I didn’t think he would get so many first place votes. I really thought that Mark Teixiera and Derek Jeter would split the vote and Mauer would win, not that Mauer would dominate the voting…Yankee haters! Joe Mauer did not bring order to the Universe!
As for Albert Pujols, well I really can’t think of anyone else that had a better year so good for him. He only led or was in the top 5 in every offensive category. Now in a 9 year career, this guy has actually put up better numbers than Hank Aaron and in fewer at bats. I always said that despite the steroid era, we are seeing some all time greats play the game. Mariano Rivera, Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey Jr, and Derek Jeter of course come to mind, but it’s time to add Pujols to that list as well.

Is “Physicality” actually a word?

For those of you unfamiliar with college football, let me give you an image…what managing the New York Yankees is to baseball, coaching Notre Dame is to college football…a thankless job unless you win a national championship every year. That’s why the faint sound of trumpets playing “Taps” that you hear coming from the South Bend, Indiana area is a requiem for Charlie Weis’ tenure there. It’s unfair to blame it all on Weis, it’s tough to turn a college team around, I mean it’s not like there are veteran free agents to sign after every season. Since the departure of the legendary Lou Holtz, the three coaches since then have had nearly identical barely over .500 records, and unless they gamble on a big name with a proven record, it looks like there will be lean times for a while at the golden dome.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

OK Someone please tell me what the fuck this thing is? I can just hear it now, "Hon, let's take this big pink, 'fuck you' mobile to the prom."

The JB Random Report 11/18/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So Sarah Palin’s book came out this week, I can’t say I’ve read it or that I intend to, so I really can’t comment about it other than that I am a bit surprised that she can read and write. It was no surprise that she trashes everyone that ever tried to turn her into a viable candidate instead of a Moose-killing redneck. Readers were shocked however, when she said that she is not eyeing the presidency in 2012. I’m not shocked, when pressed for a reason why, she said it was because Jesus is coming to end the world in 2012.

I don’t usually agree with Republicans, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. That’s why John McCain is right when he said that the fucktards that we have in Gitmo should be tried by military tribunals, and not in Federal Court in New York City, a few mere blocks away from where the events of September 11th, 2001 took place.
Military justice is considerably more efficient, and there is no way you are going to find 12 New York City jurors impartial about September 11th. Military officers are under a duty to be impartial, and the dereliction of such would result in severe penalties, not the case for civilian jurors.
I’m not here to teach law, but if I may briefly explain that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and many others like him were captured during a military operation, they were held in a military prison on a military base. They have been repeatedly referred to as “enemy combatants” as defined by the Uniform Code of Military Justice. If they had the same rights as a criminal defendant in the United States, they would have to have their cases dismissed for violation of the 6th Amendment of the Constitution (that’s the right to a speedy trial). To muddle that field between enemy combatants and mere criminals will provide these defendants with appeal material that could prevent justice being served for years.
As for security, I believe the NYPD is somewhat capable of handling it. Those guys are so wound up they will arrest you for putting your foot on a subway seat. If they do have any problems, then by all means call the Arkansas PD (see below).

SPORTS

I hate to say that it was a fair fight…but it was. Manny Paquiao didn’t load his gloves against Miguel Cotto like Margarito did, and he still managed to give him a pretty good beating. I still like Cotto a lot, and I don’t think that he lost so badly as to end his career. As for Paquiao, it really is time to discuss a fight with Floyd Mayweather Jr. seriously. There really is no one of any real significance left to fight (with all due respect to Shane Mosely). And if I may be so bold as to make a prediction...that fight will break any and all pay per view records.

I’m officially on an Allen Iverson watch. Since the malcontent bolted from Memphis, speculation has been varied as to which team he will ruin next. Some say back to Denver, others say joining Larry Brown (the only coach he seems to listen to) in Charlotte, and the dark horse, believe it or not, is the New York Knicks. As for the Knicks, I say “why not?” Iverson is clearly a cancer, but the Knicks are already so full of malignant tumors that it really won’t matter. Think about it…the knock on Iverson is that he destroys team chemistry, has no leadership skills and sets a bad example. With the Knicks, there is no team chemistry to destroy, no leadership and no upstanding citizens, so why not? He is still a name, still a draw and can still play. Given the fact that more people attended my cousin’s Super Bowl party than go to Knick games on any given night, it really isn’t a bad idea. Knicks President Donnie Walsh seems to agree with me, as he said that if Iverson clears waivers, he may claim him without having to eat his bloated contract for Thanksgiving.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

In the progressive town of Ozark, Arkansas, Police Officer Dustin Bradshaw responded to a domestic distrubance call after a 10 year old girl’s mother called police. According to the report, the officer found the girl on the floor of the house screaming and crying. She refused to follow her mother's instructions, and the mother told Bradshaw to use his Taser, and he actually did. Amazing. Needless to say, the father is a bit upset. What’s the matter, did they run out of 70 year old women to taser?
There’s a Facebook group for you…”Advocates for the Liberal Use of Tasers.”

The JB Random Report 11/11/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Can you believe that it was 20 years ago this week that the Berlin Wall came down? Do you remember where you were? I was still in grade school and it seemed that every week there was a new world event to talk about. What an incredible time that was. Tiananmen Square happened just a few months before, and a few weeks after the wall came down, in the beginning of 1990, Nelson Mandela would be released from a South African prison, apartheid being on its way to just a stain on history. It was an amazing time to be alive really.

Iran finally got around to actually charging three Americans detained on the border with Iraq of espionage on Monday, the first signal that they intend to put them on trial. The fact that these backward assholes are using human beings as bargaining chips is repulsive, and the lack of outrage in the rest of the world is further proof that we have a long way to go before restoring our position internationally.
Shane Bauer, Sarah Shourd and Josh Fattal, all graduates of the University of California, Berkeley, were arrested July 31 after straying over the Iranian border from northern Iraq. The U.S. government and their families say there were on a hiking vacation and crossed accidentally. Not hard to believe since none of them have military backgrounds, they were all caught together, and really how much of Iran’s government secrets are hidden on the border with Iraq?

Does anyone really wanna see Aerosmith with another lead singer? Two words…”Journey” and “guy they found in a Kareoke bar” Ok that was more wasn’t it? Anyway Steven Tyler, for reasons I have yet to fathom, has decided to leave the band.

SPORTS

As I still bask in the glow that is the World Series win for the greatest franchise in the history of sports, I couldn’t help but noticing asshole extraordinaire Jay Mariotti kissing Alex Rodriguez’ ass last week, after he had trashed him for so long. I guess winning really does have unanticipated rewards. Congratulations to Mark Teixiera and Derek Jeter for their Gold Glove winning performances in the field this year, guess those "range" problems were not a factor this year, sorry haters. A-Rod would have gotten one at 3rd base had he played the whole year.
Am I the only one who finds Nick Swisher’s overbite a bit disturbing? Let me give you an image…Think Billy Bob Thornton in “Sling Blade” drooling out, “like them French fried taters…umm hummm” There…now aren’t you scared shitless?

So it only took Allen Iverson one game to disrupt an already awful Memphis Grizzlies team. What made anyone think that he would ever be content coming off the bench?

ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

It’s a tie…


Sen. David Vitter (R-La.), last week this asshole had a heated exchange with one of his own constituents at a town hall meeting. She questioned him after he voted against, I’m serious, against, a bill that would protect rape victim’s rights to take their attackers to court. The bill stems from a 2007 case in which a Halliburton employee accused several co-workers of raping her when she was working for the company in Iraq.
Her employment contract specifically required her to settle her complaint in arbitration rather than in criminal court. Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.) (yeah that Al Franken) sponsored an amendment to the defense spending bill to block federal funding from government contractors with similar employment contracts. Vitter joined 29 Republicans in opposing the measure, which passed the Senate 68 to 30 in October. Republicans at the time said it would give Congress too much influence over Pentagon contracts. I’m sure rape victims who vote think that type of oversight would be OK. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with these people that they are willing to vote against rape victims for the sake of partisanship?

Joe Jackson. What type of asshole abuses his son so badly that he disfigures himself with plastic surgery in a disturbing display of self loathing, then dies due to an overdose of prescription drugs and painkillers? Then after his death, how can you have the audacity to act surprised when he totally cuts you out of his will? Further, how big of an asshole must you be when you whine about only getting 15,000 a month from your dead son’s estate, so you commence a frivolous lawsuit to gain control of his money? This is a despicable man who continues to abuse a talented but severely flawed human being even after his death. I rarely think anyone in the legal profession is worthy of praise, but Judge Mitchell Beckloff should be commended for dismissing this bullshit suit.

HAVE A REFLECTIVE, PEACEFUL VETERANS DAY

Order Has Been Restored To The Universe

IS THERE REALLY ANYTHING ELSE WORTH TALKING ABOUT?

(Long pause…….deep breath…) Is there really anything else to discuss when witnessing destiny, except well, destiny? As I watched the greatest sports franchise in the history of sport win its 27th world championship, all I could really see was the dark cloud finally lifting as the World Series trophy made its way back to the city, the team, the place where it truly belongs.

BANZAI MATSUI-SAN!!!!!

Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon might not both stay with the Yankees next year. And I have a feeling that Matsui wants to return to Japan a conquering hero with not only a World Series ring, but the MVP award as well. Giving the award to a DH is not the norm, but .615 3 HR 8 RBI are sick numbers for sure. If it has to come down to a decision, Damon still has some speed in those wheels and a decent glove, where as Matsui just doesn’t play the field well anymore. I have a feeling that he goes home, and he has earned the right to either go out or stay as he pleases. If he comes back primarily as a DH, he should be welcomed, even though I know the team wants to develop the younger guys at the DH spot like Shelly Duncan or just bring up some new guys in general like Ramiro Pena or Juan Miranda. So “Sayonara”…umm maybe.

THE HOUSE THE FOUR BUILT

New stadium, same result. Yes the Yankees spend a lot of money, but at least they put that money on the field. It was only fitting that they won their first world series of the new Yankee Stadium era in well, the new Yankee Stadium. Who knows? Eventually maybe it will feel like home. For a team that has long been accused of buy teams to win, maybe it has gone unnoticed that their core of players for over a decade have been home grown, as is their up and coming talent like Melky Cabrera, Robinson Cano, Joba Chamberlain, and Phil Hughes. Maybe for this newer generation of home grown players it will be home, but for the four guys who originally won it all in 1996 and are still there, the old place will certainly be impossible to shake off. It was those four however, that brought winning back to the Bronx. Let’s not forget that it had been 18 years since the Yankees had won a World Series, till four guys who came up in 1996 full time helped make it happen…
Andy Pettitte had no business in Houston, even he knows that. 18 post season wins is the greatest ever, and it happened right here. Derek Jeter will go down in history as one of the greatest post season Yankees ever with a .321 World Series average, with 27 more at bats than Babe Ruth and 38 more than Lou Gehrig. Jorge Posada cemented his place as one of the greatest Yankee catchers ever, a difficult table to sit at with the likes of Yogi Berra, Elston Howard, Bill Dickey and Thurmon Munson already there. Ah yes, and then there is Mariano Rivera. Not only the greatest closer ever, but the greatest post season closer as well, and my favorite Yankee. Wanna know his World Series ERA? .099 in 36.1 innings. Yeah that’s in another world. Jeter and Rivera are in the Hall of Fame for sure, Pettitte has 229 wins, and if he gets to 250 wins, with 5 rings and being a lefty, he has a legitimate chance at the Hall of Fame although the ERA is a bit high. They will all be there in pinstripes.

AND…

Say what you will, but after all the growing pains it took for this guy to finally earn his pinstripes, Alex Rodriguez deserves this ring just as much as anyone. From the steroid controversy, to the hip surgery, to years of disappointing post seasons and never seeming to gel with this team, he truly has come a long way. It’s time to stop booing the 3 time MVP and cut him some slack. He had an amazing post season (finally), he bonded with his teammates, particularly the younger guys and he is a big reason why the Yankees even made it to the World Series.

The Los Angeles Lakers, North Carolina Tar Heels and now the New York Yankees, I think this is the first time that 3 of my favorite teams all win championships in the same year. I’m doing well.

Not to beat a dead horse, (ah, why not) but at this point is there any doubt that George W Bush is by far and wide, the worst President in the history of the United States? On his watch (besides the obvious) the Yankees did not win any World Series titles, and the Boston Red Sox actually won 2. Now, we have a competent president, a recovering economy, and the New York Yankees are once again champions of baseball. Order has been restored to the Universe…