Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The JB Random Report 11/24/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

OK now even the fucking drywall that we get from China is tainted. It damages homes and might even cause health problems. Just ask New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton, he was on CNN complaining that the fumes and chipping of the drywall caused electrical failure in his home. After an investigation, 3 noxious gasses were found in the drywall, and a class action suit has been filed by homeowners in Florida, Louisiana and Virginia…good luck collecting. Whether it’s lead paint on children’s toys, red eggs, and now drywall, it really is time to stop buying shit from these people before they kill us.
Now I have to admit, the Chinese do get an “A” for effort, at least when it’s their own people getting poisoned. Yesterday they executed a dairy farmer and a milk salesman for their roles in a scheme to boost profits by lacing milk powder with the industrial chemical melamine; another 19 were convicted and received lesser sentences. At least six children died after drinking the tainted formula, and more than 300,000 got sick. And I didn’t know that China executes more people than the rest of the world combined…even more than Texas! Damn…one more thing they beat us in.

I have always said that California should be allowed to cecede from the Union, their ridiculous criminal justice system lets famous people repeatedly get away with murder, they have a steady stream of natural disasters including, but not limited to, rouge waves, earthquakes and wildfires, and to win an elected office all you have to do is be an aging medicore movie actor (Ronald Reagan, Arnold Shwarzenegger), a pot smoking ex-flower child (Jerry Brown) or just an asshole (Willie Brown).
One thing they do have though, is the nation's most permissive medical marijuana law. Almost a step in the right direction until… Some California children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, are now being treated with marijuana. Nice move, government-that-is-charged-with-protecting-me-and-my-family. Needless to say there are some people that might have a problem with the state getting their kids high. California has issued over 36,000 medical marijuana cards since 2004. Mind you, since ganja has yet to be put through the FDA approval process, very few reliable studies have been conducted to show how it may affect ADHD. But let’s get the kids high anyway! It will shut them up and give them the munchies for a few hours, leaving the shitty parents free to watch the Home Shopping Network and download porn.

SPORTS

Remember back in week 5 when I told J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets! fans not to worry? Well…you can worry now. After starting so well that team is in deep trouble. They can’t seem to score or make a stop, and that is kinda what you have to do to win football games.

As I predicted (JB Random Report 9/4/09) Joe Mauer is the AL MVP, but I didn’t think he would get so many first place votes. I really thought that Mark Teixiera and Derek Jeter would split the vote and Mauer would win, not that Mauer would dominate the voting…Yankee haters! Joe Mauer did not bring order to the Universe!
As for Albert Pujols, well I really can’t think of anyone else that had a better year so good for him. He only led or was in the top 5 in every offensive category. Now in a 9 year career, this guy has actually put up better numbers than Hank Aaron and in fewer at bats. I always said that despite the steroid era, we are seeing some all time greats play the game. Mariano Rivera, Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey Jr, and Derek Jeter of course come to mind, but it’s time to add Pujols to that list as well.

Is “Physicality” actually a word?

For those of you unfamiliar with college football, let me give you an image…what managing the New York Yankees is to baseball, coaching Notre Dame is to college football…a thankless job unless you win a national championship every year. That’s why the faint sound of trumpets playing “Taps” that you hear coming from the South Bend, Indiana area is a requiem for Charlie Weis’ tenure there. It’s unfair to blame it all on Weis, it’s tough to turn a college team around, I mean it’s not like there are veteran free agents to sign after every season. Since the departure of the legendary Lou Holtz, the three coaches since then have had nearly identical barely over .500 records, and unless they gamble on a big name with a proven record, it looks like there will be lean times for a while at the golden dome.


THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

OK Someone please tell me what the fuck this thing is? I can just hear it now, "Hon, let's take this big pink, 'fuck you' mobile to the prom."

4 comments:

  1. - Don't believe in the death penalty but the Chinese sure do mete out some righteous punishment.

    - Tex was my guy but Mauer was going to win AL MVP, that's all the baseball press would harp about. Mauer put up great numbers, but what sealed the deal for him was:

    a) being a catcher;

    and

    b) how he stepped it up after the Twins lost Morneau's big bat for the rest of the season.

    However, for NO ONE to give Tex a lead vote is just pure Yankee hate.

    Btw, I know the numbers are there but Pujols gets his dick sucked way too much by the baseball press, IMO. Maybe it's because he rubs me the wrong way, but...

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  2. Yo that Hummer is nicer in white. The Jets are wack I told you.
    What's up with Iverson retiring?

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  3. Btw, I'd forgotten to give you props:

    "I see the WS shaping up to be The Phillies vs. The Yankees and the Yanks taking it in 6."

    You called it, on October 17th. Cheers.

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