The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2009

I hope you all had as wonderful a festive Christmas, spent with great family and friends, as I did; Got a lot of great gifts, but once again the Holy Grail of Christmas gifts eluded me…The RedEnvelope Beer Holster. Well, maybe next year

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – “The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care.” – Sarah Palin. Her complete and utter stupidity would be entertaining if it weren’t so dangerous. Her lies are targeted towards her main audience, dumb people. And unfortunately we have a few in this country that believe everything that comes out of this woman’s mouth, no matter how far fetched and ridiculous.

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “Californication.” Once again. Look, its not like I don’t wanna recognize other shows, but you have to understand that 1- I really don’t watch a lot of television, and 2- any show that has an angry Rick Springfield banging a stripper while singing one of his own songs out loud then starting a fire in the bedroom simply cannot be ignored. The predictable ending to season 3 was a bit of a letdown, but it was still the best show of the year.

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – The Health Care Debate. The fact that Republicans are so animate about wanting universal health care to die just proves that these people are so consumed by their own greed that they are willing to be on the wrong side of history. 60-40 were exactly the numbers I expected to pass that watered down health care bill with no public option and no sanctions against the criminal insurance industry, but at least it’s a start.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR – It’s a tie between the equally sad and fame obsessed Octomom and that Kate Plus 8 lady. Both of you will be hated by your offspring for ignoring your children’s welfare for the sake of your own D-list celebrity.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Fiction) – “The Lost Symbol” / Dan Brown. I hate the hype, but damn his books are cool reads. And even though the movie was not bad, I don’t read those “Twilight” books.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Non- Fiction) – “What Would Keith Richards Do? Daily Affirmations From a Rock and Roll Survivor”/Jessica Pallington West. I ask myself that question everyday. I don’t know if this is really “non-fiction” because it’s not really a biography and it is “unauthorized” by its subject, but the quotes are real.

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Kanye West. Being an asshole amongst assholes at the MTV Awards is difficult enough, but at a charity event "Common & Friends Benefit Concert," that featured performances by Nas, De La Soul, Queen Latifah and more, this dimwit threw a fit backstage when he saw someone eating chicken, because he hadn't been offered any. The quote was "Why wasn't I offered chicken? You want me to perform for free, everyone is eating... why am I not eating?" What a dick. Here’s hoping the new year makes him go away.

POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – I would say Joe Biden just because he has been Vice President for nearly a year and has yet to thrust his foot firmly in his mouth. This year’s award goes to someone who can certainly shape policy (although they will never admit to that) but is not considered a politician. Suffolk County Judge Jeffrey Spinner wins for erasing $525,000 in mortgage payments that OneWest Bank was demanding from a couple in his jurisdiction, over half of the debt being interest payments. What assholes. The decision left the couple completely debt-free on their home. Spinner slammed the bank's "harsh, repugnant, shocking and repulsive" acts and said the bank "must be appropriately sanctioned so as to deter it from imposing further mortifying abuse." I’m writing this guy in for governor of New York in the next election.

FELONY CONVICTION OF THE YEAR – I was kinda hoping this would go to New York State Senator and asshole Hiram Monserratt, but alas, it was not to be.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Up In The Air” I didn’t see a lot of movies this year, so I don’t know if this movie is as good as I thought it was, but it was really good.

DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR – “Capitalism: A Love Story.” In these economic times, how could it not be a Michael Moore film? Props to “Tyson.” Difficult to watch at times, but necessary.

COOLEST MOVIE WITH NO OVERLY FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT – “District 9” In a year that had so many big films, it was a pleasant surprise to see an intelligent, well written science fiction film.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “Only By The Night”/Kings of Leon. Look I have hyped this band for two years. They were last year’s JB Random Report’s Coolest Band of the Year, and I still can’t stop listening to this record. I saw them in September and it was an amazing show.

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT - "Got Some (live)"/Pearl Jam

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Slow Poison” / The Bravery. Just awesome, I’ve liked this band since 2005. I think they might be my next year’s Kings of Leon. Even the album cover is refreshingly original.

COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR – Bloc Party. A really good album and even better live show in 2009. I really hope they don’t end up on some reality TV show.

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The New York Yankees. I have never seen a team come together the way these guys did this year. Now you can argue that rooting for this team isn’t cheap, from the huge contracts to bloated ticket prices, and you would be right, but you can’t say that you don’t get what you pay for. World Series or not, this team came from behind to win 50 times, and walked off to win 16 times. And like it or not, they were both entertaining and exciting. This team kept you watching till the end. And this year, “the end” was order being restored to the Universe as the greatest sports franchise in the history of sports won its 27th championship.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Mariano Rivera. He has been my favorite Yankee since 1996, and this year he was his usual great self, only this time I really thought he was finally going to be recognized for it. I don’t care who won what award in baseball this year, Rivera was grossly overlooked by the sports media this and pretty much every year, but not by me or anyone who really knows baseball.
I want to notably mention that Jimmie Johnson won his 4th Sprint Cup Championship even though I really don’t follow NASCAR (probably cuz I don’t wear cowboy boots or have intercourse with my relatives). But a great achievement none the less.

OVER-RATED ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Danicka Patrick makes a great deal of money by picking fights with male drivers who are too gentlemanly to put her head in a wall, posing half naked, and not winning any races this year. It is good work if you can get it, and I sure as hell won’t criticize her as a spokesperson, you go girl! But as a race car driver? Well…

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE – Last year it was Oscar De La Hoya, and he promptly obliged by retiring last year. This year, the award goes to yet another boxer, who I deeply respect and admire, but Evander Holyfield, when the only fight you can get is in South Korea, come on man, don’t do this to yourself and your legacy.

SPORTS TRAGEDY OF THE YEAR – Very well endowed tennis player Simona Halep, 34DD getting a breast reduction. Not even numerous Facebook groups designed to stop this unfortunate event could keep her from making the unkindest cut of all.

RACIST OF THE YEAR –Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald T. Sterling has agreed to pay a record $2.725 million to settle allegations that he discriminated against African Americans, Hispanics and families with children while filling vacancies in apartment buildings he owns in and around Los Angeles. I was actually surprised by this at first, then that whole “getting rid of your good players while signing a stiff like Steve Novak” thing started to make sense to me. No wonder the Clippers have sucked for over two decades.

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – For the first time in the history of the JB Random Report, this category will also give us a tie, only the second tie in the history of the awards…So the Dead People of the year are both Senator Ted Kennedy and Michael Jackson.

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!