Thursday, December 17, 2009

The JB Random Report 12/17/09


Can someone tell me how this Tiger “Athlete of the Decade” Woods situation went from a traffic accident, to a tabloid story about his zipper problem that has caused him to take a “break from golf” which is going to cost him and the sport millions of dollars, to now, accusations that he is linked to an HGH distributor? I’d wanna take a break too, a considerably long one, if these were the media vultures I had to deal with every day of my life. Public curiosity is one thing, but this obsession with the personal lives of even moderate celebrities is really a negative reflection on our society and what we have become as one.
And as if he didn’t have enough shit to deal with, now the many different skanks he banged are all trying to get on daytime TV to call themselves “victims of his infidelity” Are you fucking kidding me? The only thing you boneheads are a victim of is your own stupidity thinking that a married millionaire is gonna leave his wife for you.

About three years ago, I wrote about this trio of great pitchers that the New York Yankees had in their farm system. Two of them, Joba Chamberlain and Phil Hughes, have had steady positions on the Yankee World Series winning pitching staff. However, the one with the best stuff and best control, Ian Kennedy, has had some setbacks. He was ineffective when brought up in 2007, and has since had some injuries that have kept him out off the field for a while, the most serious being an aneurysm under his arm. Last week he was involved in the three way trade that sent Curtis Granderson to the Yankees, moving him to Arizona. I don’t follow the Diamondbacks at all, but I hope he does well. Being with the Yankees is advanced baseball citizenship, there really isn’t a big window for development as you are expected to produce right away. Not everyone responds or succeeds under this pressure, I don’t think he was around long enough to make a determination as to whether or not he was one of those guys, but it would have been nice to see him work out his kinks here instead of in Arizona.
As for the Yankees getting Granderson, I think it is a testament to how smart the Yankees are, as opposed to how much money they have. The Yankees are known for throwing money at big free agents, but this was one of those smart trades that the front office rarely gets credit for.


A few years ago, I also asked myself when the New York Times turned into The National Enquirer but with a Thesaurus. This news media scared cow went from the most respected newspaper in the United States, to writing useless, celebrity scandal-fueled drivel. Not to mention increasingly showing a liberal bias which I may agree with personally, but do not want in my news anymore than I want lemon peel shavings in my coffee. This week, they have given us yet another reason why it’s time to shut down. And I hope to see at least a token of fake outrage from another cow (although not as sacred) the tax-evading fat buffoon Al Sharpton, when he gets a hold of The New York Times annual online Holiday Gift Guide. A gift guide like no other; full of suggestions for children, young adults, travelers, and in their latest section, and I really can’t fucking believe this, a section for "people of color.'' The section starts with a brief introduction that says, "It's not hard to find gifts created for and by people of color this holiday season." Really? The guide lists 18 products that the rich liberal crowd who writes this shit believe have a special appeal to us darker folks. Among the gifts on the list are beauty and hair products, a henna kit, nail polish, Indian and Somali infused fashion designs, and one for my mom: the "Wise Latina" T-shirt. In doing some research, I managed to find some products and their slogans that didn’t quite make the cut this year, and decided to list them for you…

The “You Go Girl” Extra Strength Fake Nails Kit: “For when just slapping the ho who stole your man won’t do.” Guaranteed to not come off during an eye-gouging cat fight outside a strip club, liquor store or welfare office.
And for an additional $34.99, the “You Go Girl” Extra Strength Hair Extension Kit makes the same promise.

The Ivorytone Skin Whitening Kit. Do you hate your dark skin? Of course you do! So for you we have created this special skin bleaching system that will make you look considerably creepier than Michael Jackson and twice as scary as Sammy Sosa.

How to Talk, Think and Act Like a White Man in 4 Short Weeks. Need to land that job interview or rent an apartment in a nice building? This DVD series will have you observing then mastering the speech patterns and mannerisms of every white guy who has ever been on “Days of Our Lives,” as well as anyone black or white who ever served in the George W Bush administration. A perfect stocking stuffer for that relative who has just recently crossed the border illegally.

And the companion piece…

Mastering Madonna’s Fake British Accent. Are you a self-loathing recent immigrant? Does your urban background give you a heavy accent you would like to do away with? Well then there is nothing like observing an irrelevant hag faking an accent. Guaranteed to have you making shitty music and an ass out of yourself in front of actual British people in just 3 short weeks!

And one for the white folks…

The Complete Guide to Racial Slurs for Anyone that Doesn’t Look Like Me. Tired of the same old racial slurs for Muslim Americans? Want a new place for your misguided anger towards your own neighbors that had nothing to do with 9/11? This collection is filled with brand new insults for anyone who wears a turbon, has a long beard, drives a cab, works at 7-11 or just flat out can’t speak English. Forget the fact that Muslims don’t even wear turbons, or that Iraq never attacked us. Why let the boring fact that Hindus and Sikhs had absolutely nothing to do with any terrorist attacks on the US stop you from using this collection to remind anyone who is remotely different culturally that this is America and we hate you fuckers?

1 comment:

  1. - Man, Tiger screwed up. And I don't mean his marital infidelity--that's between him and his wife. None of my business.

    I can't believe I'm gonna use A-Rod as an example of public media strategy but here it is: the dude eventually owned up publicly to steroid use, which was the right move. (Then again, Manny didn't own up to shit--which I agreed with, for different reasons--but that's another discussion.) But his marital infidelities? Nope. That was between him and the Mrs. The press was all over it, but he didn’t address it. How it oughta be.

    Plus, we shouldn’t care who he’s fucking but what he does as an athlete in a sport we follow. That’s our relationship with the guy. It’s not like he’s our brother-in-law and making a fool out of our sister. Please.

    Tiger admitting any of this publicly was a dumb move that just fuels a voyeuristic fire that needs to be stomped out. Why the fuck release a statement and owning up to shit that's no one's business but his family's? (Now there's talk of whether HIS DAD was unfaithful? WTF?! Let the man rest in his grave, for Pete's sake!) Here's two words you should've used, Tiger: no comment.

    (Btw, I believe all celebrity athletes should follow what I will now dub "The Jeter Rule" or to a lesser degree, "The Zito Rule" after San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito:

    If you are a rich, handsome athlete who feels like fucking every hot piece of ass in sight, by all means do so. Rinse and repeat.

    WARNING: Remain single until this urge recedes completely or at least considerably. Otherwise, significant loss of income and reputation may follow.

    If while married you continue to indulge, however, at least make an effort to involve yourself with women hotter than your own. The contrary is pointless and embarrassing to all.

    - I think it was Tom Verducci on MLBN a few weeks ago who gave props to the Yankees' front office for making smart moves. Something along the lines of having money and baseball smarts being a lethal administrative combo.

    - I hear ya re The New York Times, but don't forget the Judith Miller fiasco and other similar non-liberal shenanigans over at "the grey lady".

    Btw, the people of color gift guide sounds like an Onion outtake. Sadly, it isn't. But you know what they should've included? Stuff White People Like. Sorry, too soon?