The JB Random Report 10/29/08

Ummm…so did anything interesting happen this week?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So how's that bailout working for you?

It looks like the Democrats are finally growing some balls now that Barack Obama is ahead in the polls. They are claiming that they have enough support to push for 60 Senate seats after this election which would mean a filibuster-proof Senate. For those who have never taken a government class (or were too stoned in college to remember it) Senators have the floor for as long as they want. During the Civil rights era, racist senators from the south would routinely get up and read out names of the phonebook in order to have the floor for so long that no one would vote on the legislation. With 60 seats, Republicans could no longer block legislation from getting to the floor for a vote. The problem is, Democrats in control of the Senate is like me piloting an F-22 Raptor Joint Strike Fighter. I think its the hottest jet fighter in the world and its firepower is awesome, but I haven't the slightest idea what to do with it. If I were ever at the controls I might fire something by accident and next thing you know, we are at war with Canada. The House has been controlled by Democrats for over a year and the only thing that Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been able to do is demonstrate how a human being can function without a backbone.
But the democrats are not helping themselves by making better choices in candidates. In an ad for Al Franken, who is running in Minnesota, Sen. Hillary Clinton said, "Al Franken could very well be that 60th vote." Al Franken? That's pretty fucking scary. He is a sometimes funny former writer for Saturday Night Live who thinks he can be a senator because he had good jokes about Ronald Reagan 25 years ago.

Did you like that Barack Obama infomercial? It sure was better than that lame "Time-Life Soft Rock Hits" one with the 2 homosexuals from Air Supply.

And here's something to put a monkey wrench in the Republican's program…Looks like the state of Alaska just can't get a break, first the Exxon-Valdez, then Sarah Palin, and now it looks like their senior senator is going to jail. After a 40 year political career, Sen. Ted Stevens was convicted on seven corruption charges. He faces up to five years for each count, but Federal Sentencing Guidelines being written on another planet and all, he might face no jail time at all. Not that it matters, I mean this fossil is 84 years old so anything over a year could be considered a life sentence. Think this might hurt his chances for re-election? Youuuu betcha!

ENTERTAINMENT

A Led Zeppelin reunion without Robert Plant? Yeah… that makes sense. Get a 30 year old wide-eyed groupie to replace one of the greatest frontmen ever, I'm sure the fans won't be offended at all. I mean it's not like you are trying to rip them off or anything.

SPORTS

In the continuing soap opera that is the Dallas Cowboys, nice to see that they can depend on steady players like TE Jason Whitten to keep the team level-headed on the field. Wait a minute…maybe not…add him to the injured list with a broken rib, and in the week when they need him the most too. That sucks. They are playing the 6-1 Giants.

Americans don't like rugby, and the English don't like NFL football. Can we stop playing there now, before someone really gets hurt on that weak turf at Wembley Stadium?

Only fitting that Greg Oden should play in Portland, because he is becoming as delicate as Bill Walton.

And congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies for their first World Series since 1980. I hope they celebrate with free steaks from Geno's. Is it me, or does MLB Commissioner Bud Selig just always get it wrong? I know he is in a tough position, but his decision making can be weird. First their was that ridiculous All-Star game tie, and now to play a World Series game during a monsoon was just dangerous. To have to suspend that game and continue it two days later with a 3 inning game to decide a championship was even weirder, but at least we all got to go to bed early.

THIS WEEK'S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Joe the Plumber

The JB Random Report 10/23/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Even I have to admit Sarah Palin was entertaining on Saturday Night Live. She helped her cause greatly by having a sense of humor about herself, not to mention that she is kinda cute. Her candidacy has been the greatest thing to happen to that show since John Belushi.

I am always saying that local politicians are merely people whose deepest, darkest secret prohibits them from running for a higher office…and here’s further proof of that! Nebraska state senator Ernie Chambers had his case thrown out of Douglas County District Court. Not for any other reason but that this man was trying to sue God. Now it was entertained long enough for the judge to dismiss the case not because the Plaintiff is a complete fucking maniac, but because since no address can be found for God he could not be served with process. I guess there is nothing better for the legal system to do in Nebraska. See this is why these yahoos don’t get any Homeland Security money!

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

In a world full of gold-digging Heather Mills McCartneys, it’s nice to see a guy (no pun intended) get paid for having to bang an irrelevant hag for 8 years. After consulting her Kaballah advisors, who I guess make all the decisions for this insecure nitwit, Madonna is gonna pay up. Looks like Guy Ritchie might be getting $40 million for keeping the younger folks that like his movies interested in her. Mills did absolutely nothing to help McCartney’s exposure and still got millions. So, in the words of Malcolm X, “I say what the Bible says, I say what the Qur’an says…I say it’s justice.”

A light has gone out in the world. We are all suffering the loss of an icon. The man, the myth, the legend, Rudy Ray Moore, best known to 70’s blaxploitation fans as Dolemite the Kung Fu Pimp, died Sunday.
When your signature line was "rappin' and tappin' is my game!" You know the world is just a bit darker without you.

SPORTS

Maybe it’s not good for TV ratings, but the Tampa Bay Rays are the most interesting team in baseball, and they deserve to be in the World Series. What I love about them, and the reason why baseball purists should jump on their bandwagon, is that they did it the right way…developing their farm system and hanging on to their young talent. I remember ten years ago when the Yankees did that. All those good players they have are under contract for a while. So get used to them being good. The Phillies have been winning together a bit longer, so they might pull out the series in 7 games, but even I thought Tampa Bay was gonna stay in the cellar this season.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I saw an ad the other day where people who own pets were referring to themselves as “pet parents” as opposed to “pet owners” Are you fucking kidding me? Did you actually give birth to that flea bag? I can’t believe how pathetic these pet lovers have become that they attempt to justify the fact that they are social retards by giving animals human traits.

The JB Random Report 10/16/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

This presidential campaign is getting a bit testy isn’t it? Sarah Palin clearly isn’t qualified to be the vice president of a local chapter of Oprah’s Book Club, much less the most powerful nation in the world. Let me see if I understand this correctly…According to an official investigation, Sarah Palin abused her power in attempting to get her ex-brother in law fired, yet broke no law and will not be sanctioned at all? She is showing signs of finally realizing that she is in waaay over her air-filled head. Notice how she is cracking under the pressure by desperately accusing Barack Obama of supporting terrorist groups because in 1995 he was in the same room with William Ayers? A man who incidentally was cleared of all accusations made against him due to prosecutorial misconduct. And any involvement by Ayers in any subversive groups was at a time when Obama was in grade school. This is your big skeleton in the closet?

But the most disturbing thing was that Town Hall Meeting that John McCain spoke at in Minnesota last week. Who knew those people up there were so hostile and racist? I thought everyone from that part of the country was like those yahoos in that movie “Fargo.”
Look, racism comes from two places…fear and ignorance. Those people in Minnesota showed both. The prospect of a black president terrifies these people so much that they have turned into members of the John Birch Society. Their fear comes from the reality that even they know that Obama is the best candidate. Even they know that Republicans have investigated anyone and everyone who has ever crawled up Obama’s ass and still can’t come up with any legitimate questions as to his character or qualifications. So they resort to their last line of defense…hateful comments and hostility. You know, I actually feel bad for these people, kinda the same way I feel bad for vegetarians who drone on about saving cows but have never had a hot dog at Yankee Stadium or a steak at Geno’s in Philly.

Now I’m gonna use a term that no one has used in this campaign yet…ready?...here it is…Game Changer!! And guess what? McCain didn’t get one in this final Presidential debate. Once again, just because he did better than he did in the first two debates, doesn’t mean he won this one. Not that I was too happy with Obama either. There were at least three occasions where he could have let McCain have it but decided to pull his punches. Obama is “misunderestimating “(if I may take one of my final opportunities to quote President Fuck Up) his lead, thinking that he has the election in the bag and doesn’t have to fight back too hard. Dude…remember 2004!

ENTERTAINMENT

With all due respect to Joe Piscopo doing Frank Sinatra…have you ever in the history of Saturday Night Live seen a better imitation of anyone than Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin?

Guy Ritchie finally makes a good movie after separating from that hag Madonna…coincidence?

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Thank you. However, I’m so good in bed that I have never really needed sexual reassurances about size, but thank you again for using the word “huge.” I have heard “big,” “big enough,” “above average,” even had a girl say “wow” once…but never “huge.” I don’t know if you were needlessly stroking my ego, or you dated a lot of Japanese guys, but thank you. Yes...thank you.

There is a reason why Democrats are more fun than Republicans. It’s a solid group of people that can hold an intellectual conversation at a fundraiser peppered consistently with the word “fuck” and still manage to maintain its seriousness.

SPORTS

The Dallas Cowboys have given us a whole lot of drama to digest this week haven’t they? On the field, tying it on a 52 yard field goal with 4 seconds left was one of the best plays I’ve ever seen in the regular season. At that moment, the momentum of the game was theirs, and they manage to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. I like Tony Romo, but why is it that on 3rd and inches he can’t run it in? Troy Aikman always ran those in…of course he has 12 concussions but whatever. The Cowboys and Wade Phillips will have a lot to prove in the next 4 weeks, as Romo, who hasn’t been protected by his offensive line at all lately, will be out with a broken pinkie. He says he wants to play next week, but I knew Brett Favre, I watched Brett Favre, I chose Bret Favre playing Madden 09…Tony Romo you are no Bret Favre!
Off the field, Terrell Owens is still a maniac, and Adam Jones just got himself suspended by the NFL again. They did pick up Roy Williams, whose first 10 yards are actually faster than T.O.’s, so that’s good news.
Jerry Jones is an owner, not a “real” general manager, but I think he has been able to put together a good team. He took a chance on Adam Jones, and it looks like he gambled and lost. Everyone deserves a second chance, but Adam Jones has had six so far. Maybe it is time to move on.

But as quickly as the Cowboys seem to be imploding, I want to express my sympathy to Jets fans. It’s been 2 weeks of having to tolerate those eye sores they call uniforms.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

OK I first want to apologize for sounding like an elitist music geek…but what is Os Mutantes music doing in a fucking McDonald’s Happy Meal commercial? This is a great, very influential band from Brazil; the brainchild of a brilliant guitar player named Sergio Dias. Their work from 40 years ago sounds just as fresh and interesting today. The Velvet Underground of “Tropicalia” music certainly deserve better than getting commercialized by that obnoxious fucking clown.

The JB Random Report 10/8/08

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

People, don’t get too excited. Remember John Kerry won all three debates over George W Bush in 2004. I mean, ok, Kerry did have an unfair advantage as Bush is a retard, but winning didn’t seem to matter much to the shitheads that voted for the guy they wanted to have a beer with.

I’m curious as to how the $700 billion rescue package wasn’t approved by the House until $140 billion was added to it for “pork-barrel” projects. Didn’t John McCain say that he was against this? Why did he vote for the plan without so much as a token objection? In all fairness, Barack Obama voted for it too, but “getting rid of pork” and “making them famous” was a McCain campaign promise, not an Obama promise. So is anyone famous yet?

And it’s nice to finally see some fiscal responsibility from big corporations. Days after it got $37.8 billion in a federal bailout, American International Group Inc. tightened its financial belt by spending $440,000 to send its executives to the St. Regis resort south of Los Angeles, complete with spa treatments, banquets and golf outings. But they refused to be decadent, inside sources told me that the company refused to pay for the hookers.

A federal judge ordered the Bush administration to immediately free 17 Chinese Muslims known as Uighurs from Guantanamo Bay. Great idea until U.S. District Judge Ricardo M. Urbina also suggested that they be released into the United States. Brilliant…let’s put the guys who hated us to begin with, that we illegally imprisoned, onto US soil. I mean its not like Muslim fanatics have a violent reputation or anything.
The Bush administration has refused to turn the Uighurs over to China because they might be tortured. Right…concerns about torture from the folks who brought you Abu-Ghraib. How can they stack bullshit so high?

SPORTS

I didn’t make picks for the World Series this year, but I have to admit while speaking at the revered water cooler, I did favor the Cubs and the Angels. Both teams are gone. I really thought they were the best teams, even though, and I hate to admit it, I am quietly rooting for Joe Torre and the Dodgers, even if Manny Ramirez is a flake. And speaking of flakes, when talking about how Alex Rodriguez can’t bring it in the post season, let’s not forget the numbers of the guy he was traded for, Alfonso Soriano who is bating a robust .213 in postseason games and hit .071 in his last series.

In further proof that you can’t take the redneck out of the boy, Houston Astros pitcher Brandon Backe was arrested in a brawl…at a wedding reception. There’s something for the wedding video.

Terrell Owens is a maniac. Since he only got the ball twice last week, now he wants to invoke God’s glory into his whining. Dude, God is busy with the financial crisis he doesn’t care how many times you got the ball.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Why not just oil up those yentas on “The View” and have them wrestle? None of them have any well read political opinions, which is why they are so hostile to each other when they start talking politics. It’s kinda getting tired to watch them think they have brains, except for Barbara Walters of course. So break out the mats and baby oil because there really is nothing left for them to do.

The JB Random Report 10/2/08

WILL WRITE YOUR BLOG FOR FOOD!

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Last week’s Presidential debate had no clear winner. John McCain showed his political savvy by being able to make every point he wanted to against a man who is clearly a better speaker than him. The “Nixon-Kennedy” effect bounced right off McCain and a better looking, better speaking Barack Obama, didn’t totally kill him in the debate. Something that can kill McCain (besides old age) is that Sarah Palin.
Did you see that Vice Presidential debate? First of all, why is there only one? I loved watching how Sarah Palin just decided to ask then answer her own questions, ignoring Gwen Ifill all together. I guess she wanted to talk about the things she had been spending weeks studying. Come on, this brain tumor didn’t even know Afghanistan was a country until someone told her. She also spent part of the debate criticizing the government and how it should not be involved in taxing or health care. Did anyone tell her that her party is the one currently in office and has been for 8 years? I’ve never seen so many lights on while no one was home. I was surprised that Joe Biden, not known for his warmth, didn’t go in for the kill. With her mildly retarded answers, she gave him more than one opportunity to wipe the floor with her and he didn’t, and this race is too close not to. Biden clearly dominated the debate, but the blow up doll is still up way past her bed time. I’m hoping to start a new trend by calling her public speaking engagements “Talking Points to Nowhere.” You all have my permission to use it (during private conversations only of course).

With a 27% approval rating, which even when combined with our lowered expectations of him is pretty bad, all I hoped for was that President Bush didn’t have one more big “fuck-up” left in him before he left office. I hate when my prayers are not answered.
And you know what, Republicans? To use the Obama phrase…Yes We Can!...blame this administration for the financial crisis. The de-regulation that Bush was so supportive of played a major role in corporate greed running amok.
What kills me is how once again the Republicans in the House played on the stupidity of the American people by saying “We won’t bail out Wall Street at the expense of the American taxpayer.” Yeah, like not bailing out the companies where all those American taxpayers have their 401(k) retirement packages is really in their best interest. And in further proof that Members of the House are merely politicians whose deepest, darkest secret prohibits them from running for higher office, even some of the slower minded Democrats are falling for that line. Like Jose Serrano (D), Representative from the Bronx. The only New York Representative not to vote for the “rescue package” bill (sounds a lot nicer than “bailout” right? Almost like no one is gonna go to jail over this), said something to the effect that his constituents will suffer. What he fails to see is that any of his constituents who want to retire one day will suffer even more. And what I fail to see is how someone this stupid was elected to public office. How can I know more about the financial crisis and the effect it will have on his constituents than he does?
And Nancy Pelosi, next time you send a bill to the floor, make sure you actually have the votes to pass it. In our justifiable hatred for Republicans in office, we have continually given Pelosi a pass and not mentioned she is one of the weakest, most ineffective House Speakers we have ever had. Incidentally, this woman is only two heartbeats away from the presidency. The only heart stopping her is Dick Cheney’s…and he has a pacemaker!

ENTERTAINMENT

I have always wondered what makes someone an icon. That’s such a big word, and like many other big words, overused by people with a limited vocabulary. So much that it can sometimes lose its luster. To me, a necessary ingredient in making an icon is how others can relate to and identify with them. Now that’s not the only factor, I mean people consider Princess Diana an icon and not all of us have lived in Buckingham Palace. But more of us can identify with “Fast” Eddie Felson, a guy who was really good at something, but not good enough to be great enough to beat someone who really is great just once. Then later on seeing someone with all of the talent he wishes he had, and none of the brains he does have. That’s hard.
Maybe all of us don’t know what its like to be smart enough to be anything, but ending up in jail for trying to break into a parking meter. And while in there, fighting the biggest guy, getting your ass kicked for breakfast, yet the whole prison comes to worship you. That’s damn near impossible, but not for “Cool Hand Luke” Jackson. That’s why we love fiction so much, and those who really know how to tell it.
We really are losing our icons, and there is no one today that can replace them. No actor today can play a hard luck loser without looking like a clown. There was only one who could make a character look so beautiful in defeat. Only one that can make the anti-hero so romantic as to be almost envied. So I guess part of being an icon is being irreplaceable. Paul Newman will be missed.

Clay Aiken finally revealed that he was gay last week, after keep it such a well-guarded secret for so long. In a related story, the economy is fucked, the sky is blue, and the world is round.

SPORTS

Joe Torre made the playoffs again for the 13th time in a row…too bad it was with the Dodgers. Seriously what were the Yankees thinking? I said it before and I’ll say it again…if anyone could have done Joe Torre’s job better than Joe Torre then replace him, but no one could. Not that I don’t like Joe Girardi, but the Yankees are home right now. Torre, Don Mattingly and Larry Bowa are not. Nice to see Brian Cashman getting a contract extension, keeping the Yankee tradition of over paying useless free agents. Not that I totally dislike Cashman either, but he seems to get a pass for a lot of bad decisions (two words…Carl Pavano) and credit for winning teams that he didn’t even build. Remember it was the first black General Manager in baseball history, Bob Watson that built those World Series teams from scratch.

Did anyone see that surreal press conference given by 79 year old Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis explaining why he fired head coach Lane Kiffin? It was like watching the Crypt Keeper in a reality bending Wes Anderson movie.

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

You know a very embarrassing way to gauge whether or not you might have slept with too many girls? Walking down the street, not talking to the girl walking towards you yet recognizing her face without remembering her name, having her give you a certain “look” then wondering to yourself, “Ummm…did we…?” Maybe it’s time to get out of New York for a while.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Although I’ve never actually watched it, it only takes 15 minutes of “The View” to hate that show. Them and stupid religious fanatics who say they follow a Bible they have obviously never even read. Did you see those ridiculous yentas on “The View” trying to convert my hero Bill Maher? I loved it when the fat black chick told Maher that “God spoke to me,” and Maher just said “then its time to call Bellevue.” It’s sad when these religious yahoos have no proof what so ever of their beliefs yet criticize those who choose not to have an imaginary friend to talk to. When did America get so dumb? I haven’t recommended a movie since 2006, but you really should see “Religulous,” especially those who follow religion blindly.