The JB Random Report End Of The Year Awards 2015

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – This year it was a close one, between the traveling circus freak show that is the Republican Primary and the very real gun violence that is sweeping the United States. But given the fact that both these stories can only be viewed, even by the most objective but sane observer, as tragedies with only one solution, even given the variables, they are in fact, intertwined.

The United States is struggling mightily for its soul. Who are we? And more importantly, who do we want to be? Well my point is that both these questions can be answered when addressing two of the most important issues facing our country today, and realizing that they are dominated by the same things…fear and ignorance.

Do we want to be a nation that is so afraid of the rest of the world that we are willing to elect a racist xenophobe for President, who wants to ban all Muslims from immigrating to the United States and wants to build a wall along our southern border?

And I am not just talking about that idiot Donald Trump. He is an easy target. Don’t think for one minute that the rest of the psychos running for the Rebublican nomination do not in some ways feel the same exact way he does. Trump just has the guts to say it, and the ignorant masses are so refreshed to hear a politician be honest, that they ignore what he is being honest about.

Of course this fear baiting has led to people speaking out in ignorance, and doing what comes natural, loading their guns. The NRA obviously has some type of mystical hold on the government when 90% of the population wants further background checks on gun purchases and Congress votes against it consistently. I know their argument all too well, and it really doesn’t work…Yes a crazy man with a hammer can commit an act of terrorism and we would not blame the hammer. However, a hammer does not kill multiple victims from a few yards out, so the “tool” argument really doesn’t work does it? Unless you yourself are a tool and an NRA slave.

Oh yeah...an obvious terrorist mastermind

A few weeks ago, a friend of those two assholes who killed 14 people in California (I will not make them famous unless they were still at large) was charged with aiding and abetting terrorism. OK look at this meatball, Enrique Marquez. Seriously take a good look at this nitwit…This asshole looks less like a terrorist conspirator and more like a wanna-be who is still living in his parents basement and getting on line to see the new “Star Wars” movie at midnight (OK I would have done that too but this asshole probably dressed up like Boba Fett). Really, is this obvious chronic masturbator really who we should be afraid of? NO. Unless of course, he can make his delusions real by easily accessing a firearm, which is exactly what happened.

And what do Republicans do? They double down on the asshole factor by saying that anyone who mentions guns is politicizing the issue. Hey asshole, politics are supposed to make for better government and better lives for people, so I will politicize it until the fucking cows come home, or we have sensible gun laws in this country.

And I’m not even addressing how many black lives have been lost to police shootings, which is the biggest example of gun violence anyone could possibly imagine. That is a whole other story, but I assure you, also intertwined with this. The list of lives taken never seems to end does it? This has to mean something to us all, and we must vote accordingly, or we will end up eternal victims   

QUOTE OF THE YEAR –  Carrie Fisher responding to comments on her now 59 year old body on Twitter: “Please stop debating about whether OR not👁aged well. Unfortunately it hurts all 3 of my feelings. My BODY hasn’t aged as well as I have. Blow us.” Nothing to add here.

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – I didn’t really watch a lot of TV this year so I guess I’ll just give it to whatever it was I watched, and I usually watch the same things. RealTime with Bill Maher, Homeland, The Leftovers. OK I’ll flip a coin…and the winner is…Homeland. 

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – You have no idea how badly I wanted to give this award to Republican Party frontrunner Donald J Trump. But alas there was actually a bigger asshole in 2015 if you can believe it.

Coming in at a close second is Ethan Couch the asshole known as “affluenza guy.” That this prick can kill four people during a DUI and get 10 years probation is beyond me or anyone with any legal training. And obviously he learned nothing of the dangers of the self-entitlement he used as a defense. The fucking asshole got probation…probation, no jail time and STILL thought the sentence was so bad he had to flee? And the greatest irony is that given the terms of his probation, unless a good argument is made, the most he can do is 120 days in jail. I wonder how much probation or jail time he can do to bring back the people he killed.

No, this coveted award just has to go to, yep, the asshole who jacked up the price on AIDS medication. Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli’s decision to increase the price of an AIDS drug by 5,000% was actually done with a straight face and with the belief that no one would call him out on it, which again, says more about the pharmaceutical industry’s standards than it does about Shkreli.

In a slight bit of karma however, this smug asshole was arrested for securities fraud, and while unrelated to the price mark up, we like to think that maybe there is a God…

MOTHER OF THE YEAR – I usually give this one out with a twinge of irony (like the year I gave it to that magnificent train wreck, Britney Spears). But this year I am actually being sincere. During the riots in Baltimore due to Freddy Gray’s murder at the hands of police, Toya Graham, a single mother of six, was filmed telling her child to “take that fucking mask off,” while beating his ass for being involved in the riots. Her reasoning had nothing to do with her needing anger management or being abusive in a moment of weakness: “That’s my only son, and at the end of the day, I don’t want him to be a Freddie Gray,” Graham said. “But to stand up there and vandalize police officers, that’s not justice.” Parenting...she’s doing it right.

PERSON OF THE YEAR – His Holiness Pope Francis. Yes, a two-time winner of this award. Now I ask you, is there anyone cooler? Is there anyone who inspired you more this year? In just one visit to the United States this Pope has done more to endear himself to the world than his predecessor did in his entire reign as Pope. The scars of what the Catholic Church has been guilty of are not gone, but I ask you, who has done more to try to heal them? 

POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) will probably not be the next President of the United States. But the fact that he has some this far in a race that should have been a lock for Hillary Clinton, says a lot about how a grass roots campaign can actually be successful. The truth is, the fact that a 74-year-old self-declared socialist from Vermont has made the Democratic front-runner “feel the Bern” with double-digit support really is a victory, even if a token one.

Sanders’ numbers should serve to energize liberals. His rallies are true happenings and his voice is getting a great deal of slow and steady momentum. His success is great for the party, and Hillary better not be fitting for the crown just yet. I hope that his achievement can bring Hillary, a lifetime centrist, a bit more to the left on some issues.

 OVERUSED PHRASE OF THE YEAR – “Netflix and Chill” I really believe this is actually coded language for “Cheap Food and Date Rape.” Look, inviting someone over to watch a movie with some level of expectation of eventually seeing them naked is fine, but this phrase makes it so obvious that it takes away the anticipation.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – Really? There is a debate here that you really feel you need to have? “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR – Harrison Ford “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” It was a cool movie. Did he do anything else this year?

COOLEST MOVIE WITH SOMEWHAT FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT THAT YOU STILL DIDN’T(YET/PROBABLY) SEE BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE – “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” Well there were some not so famous people in the movie, and it's my list so fuck you! 

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “Art Angels” – Grimes. Here is an artist that has been around for years and released 4 albums. And although I have always thought she was cool, none of her other works have ever hooked me quite like this one. I have to say I love being surprised when it comes to music. Just when you think you know all there is to know about an artist, they hit you with something you were not expecting. 

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT – “Random Name Generator” – Wilco. Don’t call it a comeback!

COOLEST SONG OF THE YEAR – “Trouble” Keith Richards. Look I know I may get some flack because I’m such a huge Rolling Stones fan that one may think I am not being objective. But really couldn’t get enough of this one. And apparently neither could Howard Stern.

COOLEST ACT OF THE YEAR – Bully. If you say they are (musically at least) a broke version of Sleater-Kinney you may be right, but they really are good regardless.

ONE HIT WONDER THAT I REALLY HOPE STAYS AWAY AFTER IT FINALLY GOES AWAY – That “Whip Nae Nae” bullshit. The only thing more hateful would be another single by one of the Kardashians.

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The Golden State Warriors, NBA. Yes they beat a severely depleted Cleveland Cavaliers team to win their first NBA Championship since the 1970’s, yes they rely heavily on outside shooting. Fair criticism aside though, they still had to play those games, and they still dominated them. Yes they got blown out the other night without Steph Curry, but it is early in the season and they deserve some time to find themselves and respond to pressures like this. Maybe they don’t have a guy that consistently plays above the rim, but like it or not, they are dominating the new way the NBA game is being played.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Is it Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors, NBA? Certainly he had a great year and deserves this award. Serena Williams had an awesome year and even after age 30, a death sentence for the athletes in her sport, she will dominate women’s tennis. In many forums, she was the “female” athlete of the year. Bullshit. She dominates her sport more than any man or woman in any other sport.

However, even if she actually had won the Grand Slam in her sport this year, she still would have come up short to Zaevion Dobson, Fulton High School Football, Knoxville, Tenn. This incredibly brave young man used his body to shield three classmates from gunfire during a shoot-out at a house party, all before his 16^th birthday. Look, anyone who thinks that this award is better given to someone who showed prowess on the field is absolutely right. But I really felt this young man needed to be recognized, and it is my list so fuck you!

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE – Roy Jones Jr. This guy was one of my all-time favorite fighters growing up. He was really perfection to watch in the ring. So sharp and such a good student of every one of his opponents. But in yet another example of someone who is holding on too long, his fights lately have become difficult to watch. In October, at 46 years old, he announced that he would not fight again after knocking out a forgettable Willie Williams, but please Roy, don’t lie to yourself and to a boxing public who respects you by attempting some sort of comeback like so many other fighters. The concern for your health is growing.

BIGOTED ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Who else but the man who almost swept our awards this year, Donald Trump. Seriously, this guy is to assholes what the movie “Titanic” was to the Oscars in 1997. And I say again, the fact that he is the Republican front runner in December, that David Duke, former Presidential candidate and KKK member, stated that Trump is more radical than he is, that he has offended everyone from former POW’s to Latinos, to Women, and to minorities, says more about registered Republicans and less about him, and we should be ashamed of ourselves. 

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – Usually there is one great amongst the many, but this year we lost Julian Bond, the great civil rights activist, and John Forbes Nash, a genius. Music lost BB King, Lemmy Kilmister and Scott Weiland.

The sports world lost the great Dean Smith and the greatest catcher ever in Yogi Berra. Every year has losses, but this year’s seem just a bit more monumental. Many times we believe that a loss of great magnitude will leave us weaker or unable to move on, but we manage to. This year, got a bit dimmer without these people. 

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!

There’ll Be No Living With Them After This: Why The Mets Will Win The World Series

Let’s make one thing perfectly clear: I am a die-hard New York Yankees fan and always will be, even during these most difficult rebuilding years. But I have never been a New York Mets hater. And why should I be? They play in my city, and my team beats them routinely, most famously in the 2000 World Series.

Now given the fact that Mets fans are not nearly as gracious, I think I am being very generous. I once had a Mets fan tell me, with a straight face, that the Yankees were “too corporate.” Really? This coming from someone whose team plays at Citi Field. A field sponsored by a bank that should have been broken up after they cost taxpayers billions in bailout money in 2008, yet still managed to get their name on a stadium that same year. If the Yankees are “too corporate” then can someone explain why Fred Wilpon was mentioned in the Bernie Madoff scandal? I didn’t see any Yankees involved in that bullshit.  

Of course I understand why Mets fans hate the Yankees so much, they are regularly overshadowed by the 27 World Series Championships, and 40 American League Championships. Yes, the Yankees have lost more World Series than the Mets have been in, so of course they are bitter. I guess Mets fans are just perpetually angry at how their team just seems to always get it wrong, just wrong. Still paying Bobby Bonilla, huh? Enjoy that last homerun that he hit…when Bill Clinton was President. And considerably even more disturbing, the Mets are a team that for some reason, refuses to embrace its history, or honor the players that actually meant something to that team, with any semblance of dignity or class. 

Hey Mets fans, can you name the four Mets retired numbers? It’s OK I’ll wait…I didn’t think so. Of the four, only one actually played the field in a Mets uniform, the great Tom Seaver. 

Seriously? How can you not honor Dwight Gooden, Keith Hernandez, or Gary Carter from the 1986 Championship team? “You Gotta Believe” that you are being assholes. 

Or what about John Franco and Mike Piazza? These guys won for you and you choose not to acknowledge it? No wonder you have sucked for so long, why would anyone want to play for you?

The Yankees have retired 22 numbers, two are even retired twice, and I can name them all. See that’s why when all is said and done, and the players play and the haters hate, the Yankees are the greatest franchise in the history of sports; players know they will be respected if they succeed, and fans know that everyone on the field is conscious of those pinstripes and what it means to wear them.

OK, well-reasoned and logical rant over...let’s get back to the task at hand…I went to two Mets games this year, and in one of them I witnessed Matt Harvey pretty much shut the lights out on the Toronto Blue Jays’ alleged unbeatable hitting. It is after seeing this that I know why the Mets will defeat the Royals, and the games may not even be close. The Kansas City Royals managed to beat these unbeatable Blue Jays in 6 games, with scores that were pretty high, so it was the offense that carried that series.

Now for this series, let’s talk about pitching. The Royals have two 13 game winners, which in today’s game makes them all-stars, but the Mets have three and one of them is 124-year old Bartolo Colon, who has pitched well for them even out of the Bullpen. The guys who round out the other three, DeGrom, Syndergaard, and Niese have had solid seasons, but have clearly saved the best for the Postseason, and have yet to slow down. And I have always had a thing for homegrown players that contribute. You know, the way the Yankees did it in the 90’s. I guess my argument is the solid but predictable one, that good pitching beats good hitting.

But the Mets have been hitting too. With Cespedes questionable, Curtis Granderson is having a good postseason, and David Wright is working his way into being a solid contributor after a long absence due to an injury. And then there is Daniel Murphy. Murphy’s law will be in effect for the Royals (sorry I just couldn’t help myself). Daniel Murphy is on pace to, and I’m serious here, break some of Lou Gehrig’s postseason records. Yeah you can argue they play more games now but still, it’s Lou F’in Gehrig! They have been playing more games in the postseason for over twenty years and the records in question still stood. 

There is no doubt that this guy Murphy may be the factor that brings the Mets the title. So in typical Mets fashion what do they do? They already let it “leak” out that they will not be signing him next year. (Sigh…) And so it begins before it’s even over. What an appreciative bunch. 

The Person of the Year...and It's Only Septemeber

I want you to read the next words slowly and let them truly sink in for a minute…the Catholic Church, that’s right, the same folks that brought us The Crusades, The Inquisition and The Borgias, is today, more progressive thinking on issues of poverty, social justice and science than the Republican Party in the United States.

I have spent the Summer simply observing the world and what is happening in it, and I know I have let a few of you down by not addressing certain issues at the moment of their happening, but I can assure you I will be addressing them.



If this were real it would be awesome!

So before I eventually address the darkness that will be next year’s election, let’s stay in the light for a while. Those of you who have been loyal readers know that I am pretty much anti-religion, however that does not mean that I am anti-religious people, so long as their hearts are in the right place. I have always been impartial in my critiques. However, even I must say that His Holiness Pope Francis even has me energized.

I have lived through three Popes and I have to admit it seems like a pretty cool job. I remember JohnPaul II and how incredibly popular he was. When he passed away in 2005 I remember having a conversation about how there would really be no replacing him as a world leader. His successor, Benedict the XVI proved me right. He was, at most, quite boring and committed to not rocking the boat. Well this current Pope has pretty much torpedoed the boat out and replaced it with a practical Fiat, and I have to say I believe we are all fortunate to be seeing this in our lifetime.

In less than three years, Pope Francis has not only uplifted and energized the church, but he has given a great many people who were long considered disenfranchised, a reason to believe again. This is without a doubt and by far, the most progressive, tolerant, humanist Pope, probably in the history of the Papacy, and those of us watching should recognize how historical this is. So much so, that before his recent trip to the United States, he actually had to make at least a token attempt to say that he was not a “leftist.” Yeah, whatever dude.

I remember how cynical I was about religion. I remember getting in real trouble when I was a kid for a joke I made up saying that I was not impressed by the Pope or his Pope-mobile. You wanna impress me? Put the Pope in a strait jacket and fill the Pope-mobile up with water. If he can get out in 2 minutes like Houdini…
And then there was that time in Law School where I was sitting in the cafeteria with two of my friends and there were three nuns sitting at the table next to us and I said “Ok three of them, three of us, who is gonna get this started?” OK that one might have gone too far but I thought it was hysterically funny.

I have to say this guy has me curbing my negative attitude towards religion simply because he is actually LIVING the doctrines the church supposedly teaches, and at the same time teaching so that we may live better. Imagine that, someone who claims to be the living successor of Jesus Christ actually living and teaching like…Jesus Christ. Why would so-called “Christians” be so afraid of him then? And let us not overlook the way he seamlessly brought together Muslim, Jewish and Sikh leaders at the World Trade Center Memorial. It is not just any voice that could have done that. So the fact that he has conservatives in this country and even some Vatican sacred cows nervous says a great deal not only about how progressive this Pope is, but how backwards conservatives are. Still not convinced? Well let me give you a small sample of his greatest hits: 

“If a person is gay and seeks the Lord and is of good will, who am I to judge him?”

“To change the world we must be good to those who cannot repay us.”

“God is not afraid of new things.”

“Money must serve, not rule.”

And my personal favorite…“Atheists should be seen as good people if they do good”

Now I still may not be endorsing any church, but how can I, as a reasonable person, not acknowledge how good this man is for the world? And it is obvious that in only two short years he has greatly revitalized an institution that was more of a punchline than a guideline. This Pope is a total a rock star. His presence here in New York City brought an energy to it that I have not experienced in years. I mean did you see that wild reception he got at Madison Square Garden? The last time that place got so loud The Stones were doing “Satisfaction” as an encore.

Look, let’s not get it twisted, he is still a religious figure representing a lot of things that I do not agree with, but he is clearly taking religion in the right direction. The direction that it had actually promised, the direction of humanity. And to be the first Pope in history to ever address the US Congress and remind them of that humanity...well, really what more can you say? And this guy may just be my Person of the Year.  

Bad Day For Bigots and Hypocrites...Think I'll Celebrate With Some Ice Cream

Has anyone ever had a better week than Barack Obama? Let’s begin at the beginning…For the second time, the Supreme Court of the United States has refused to touch the Affordable Care Act, angering Republicans and reminding us that regardless of the social make-up of the court, the law is what makes this nation, not blustering politicians who hate the fact that a black democrat has made 33 million American lives better, while they have done nothing for anyone.

Last week, a white supremacist walked into a church in South Carolina and opened fire, killing nine people during a bible study, including the Pastor, State Senator Clementa Pickney. In a stunning turn of events, this tragedy opened a debate about how the Confederate Flag is displayed, particularly in the South, who still seems to struggle with the fact that they lost the Civil War. What I don't understand is, why has this debate even existed? Did the new government in Germany allow Nazi flags to fly at state government buildings?
One incredibly ignorant supporter of the Confederate flag was on CNN asking “Why do we need the American flag at the Post Office?” Umm…maybe because the post office is a FEDERAL ENTITY? If these idiots are the only ones left supporting this symbol of treason then this argument should have been over decades ago. But, remaining positive, the flag has been removed from state buildings in South Carolina and other Southern States are now taking steps to remove it. Better late than never, but how I wish this could have been done without nine lives being lost to a domestic terrorist.

What a busy day it has been for the President. This morning, Barack Obama stepped out into the rose garden of the White House and declared his support of the Supreme Court decision that was announced today, stating that same sex marriage cannot be denied by any State government. The historical ramifications of this decision have not been digested yet, but I can assure you that this decision will be remembered as one of the most important decisions in the court’s history, so if you are a law student, start learning how to pronounce “Obergefell.”

Let me give you the short version of this:
The Opinion was written by Justice Kennedy, a Reagan appointee to the court, by the way. In all my years of reading Supreme Court opinions, I do not think I have ever read a better, more eloquent and passionate one written in my lifetime. I will comment little about it so as to encourage my readers to stop taking pictures of your fucking food and look it up yourselves.

One of the dissents, written by Justice Scalia is arguing that State’s rights are being infringed upon since marriage is something that is legally left up to the states. Given the fact that we are talking about a denial of the right here, this is a weak argument. To say that the Constitution never intended to guarantee same sex marriage is too specific to be valid. Ok, the Constitution also says nothing about the internet either, but we do have court rulings on that, right? And I remember another document we live by known as the Declaration of Independence saying something about “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness?”  

After the rose garden comments, which were met with great applause, Obama got Air Force One and went to South Carolina to deliver the eulogy for Rev. Pickney. He was eloquent as always, but when he broke into “Amazing Grace,” Oh yeah. It was the first time in a long time that I didn’t see just the President, but the brother from Chicago that I first voted for in 2008.

 

And to use this as an opportunity to discuss gun control is not politicizing the issue, it is an attempt to save lives.

I have to admit, I am growing to almost love the subtle, seething, hatred and bigoted disrespect displayed by Republicans every time Barack kicks their ass. I remember two in particular: When Obama was re-elected in 2012, I remember John Boehner holding back tears because Obama was re-elected and saying “We will treat him like a lame duck President starting now.” Really, “Spray-Tan?” How is that working out for you?  
Then there was the night that ACA was passed and John McCain said to a group of equally angry Republicans “Now we have to make sure nothing gets done.” Anyone still need to know where the obstructionists are?

ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

Bristol Palin. So this never-married abstinence advocate has now been knocked up for the second time. How did she find time to get laid while being so busy telling everyone else how to live their lives? You know, I am not even shocked that this nit wit turned out to be a hypocrite, I am hopeful that now we know how much she enjoys keeping her legs open, maybe she will keep her mouth shut. What does bother me is the announcement that “this has been a huge disappointment to my family” What a wonderful way to welcome an innocent child into the world. What an asshole.

No, It Is Not The Same Thing

 

So I was watching CNN and they were giving serious air time to that nit-wit Rachel Dolezal, who just resigned as head of her local chapter of the NAACP because her parents outed her as being…white. Seriously a white chick who curled her hair became the head of an NAACP chapter. So this Doctor was on, saying that it is acceptable for Rachel Dolezal to “self-identify” as a black woman, much like Bruce Jenner (now Caitlyn) can self-identify as a woman. To which I respond, “Are you seriously fucking insane?”

This woman is a Doctor, her position on this issue is incredibly irresponsible, that is why I got so pissed I actually got out of bed to write this rant.

If you saw that incredibly disturbing Diane Sawyer interview, Caitlyn Jenner has been a girl inside her entire life. Now I am no doctor, but I can only assume that is not based on any outside influence, but how she felt inside. How she felt inside her entire life. Now, like or not Caitlyn, you were born with a dick, and that is something you cannot reason away with therapy or political correctness.

You can certainly get mad at your dick, I know I have been incredibly mad at mine. Seriously that fucker has cost me more money, more late night subway rides at all hours of the night in shitty hoods, more waking up in strange bedrooms, and more jumping out of windows due to parents coming home early than I would ever want to admit, but it’s still my dick and I love him. If you decided to not love your dick, I guess that is your right, and if you have been thinking you are a woman this whole time, well…

You cannot however, self-identify with your race. Why? Very simply racism happens not on the inside, but on the outside. There is no fucking way a white chick from Montana knows what it is like to not get a cab, or to be rejected for a job, or have people just walk across the street in fear when they see you. You do not “internalize” that shit no matter how many hip hop records you buy, sorry. Until you know what it feels like to be treated like a second class citizen in a subtle manner, you cannot self-identify as a black anything. Do you own a home? I wonder if you put White as your race when you applied for a loan, you certainly did when you applied to college according to those records.

Did any of you see the movie “Soul Man?” Incredibly offensive by today’s standards, but it was released in 1986. In this movie a white guy tried to pass as black to get into Law School. When he was caught, he was in a professor’s office and the professor said “I guess you learned more about being black than anyone could have taught you.” You know how he responded? “I didn’t learn enough, because I always had the choice of going back to being white.” You see, THAT is why it is impossible to say that you can “self-identify” race. THAT is the difference, and THAT is what anyone thinking that what this woman did is somehow ok, will never understand.

Rachel Dolezal insults everything the NAACP stands for.  Need more convincing? OK let me make it simple for you…ask yourselves this, do you think Kalief Browder, Trayvon Martin, Eric Gardner or Eddy Grey could ever have “self-identified” as white? Maybe they would still be alive…

Fifty Shades of Bullshit

 I was having a conversation the other day with a lovely young lady about literature, when the subject turned to that book that every lonely chick on the train was reading last year, “Fifty Shades of Grey.” You know, that movie that is opening on Valentine’s Day, just in case your facebook feed didn’t remind you every 10 minutes. It was during my conversation with this dark haired beauty, who was kind and patient enough to listen to my rant that I wondered for a moment whether or not maybe I was slightly upset at being single on Valentine’s Day for the first time since the Clinton Administration?

Seriously I cannot be the only one who fails to see that it is bullshit like reverence for this book that keeps women thrust under the glass ceiling. Whenever one of these lonely hausfraus cackles on about how being tied up and exploring S&M is their “fantasy,” and why can’t all men read their minds and give it to them, it reminds me of every 30 year old woman who fell in love with flesh eating vampires because of the “Twilight” series. “Oh, I could so see myself being Edward Cullen’s wife, just like in the book.” Hey moron, VAMPIRES ARE NOT REAL! And if they were, I assure you the only thing they would love about you is how your blood tastes right before ripping your delusional head off.

I feel the same way about this Fifty Shades of Grey crap. Of course this is your fantasy, but I assure you it has less to do with S&M and considerably more to do with the fact that the sociopathic main character tying you up is a rich, handsome, white guy. Come on, wake the fuck up already! Didn’t you see “American Psycho?” You should know by now how this one is gonna end. You think all those chicks met the business end of a chainsaw because Christian Bale was broke and unattractive but courted them with his poetry reading?

Let’s how enthusiastic you are about this “fantasy” if it were the homeless guy that lives in front of the library who drools on himself and scares the whiteness out of the tourists by telling them he is Michael Jackson wanting to tie you up…then proceed to light you on fire with the lit tip of a sweet scented candle.  

Believe me, if it were recently retired Senator Carl Levin (D-MI) breathing down your lonely neck, instead of “fantasizing” you would be filing a sexual harassment lawsuit so fast he wouldn’t even have time to fix his combover.

Here’s an idea…before you end up a lonely woman with a lot of cats due to your unrealistic expectations and over active imagination, how about you just learn to deal with the fact that your life may really suck if you emotionally invest so much in your constant escapes from it, and maybe it is time to make some real changes, before you end up like this maniac...

 

                      Yup that's her...marrying herself...

Don’t play so hard to get to the point where you just might miss something. Realize that the answers are not in some fantasy world of unrealistic expectations. I certainly don’t know where the answers are, but I sure as fuck know where they are not. But then again, look who you are getting advice from, the guy who is single on Valentine’s Day.

Wait a minute, I just had an epiphany…I have enough loved ones around me despite my acknowledgement that I live in an imperfect world that I really don’t give a shit about being single on Valentine’s Day, so maybe listening to me isn’t such a bad idea… 

I apologize, but I am afraid I cannot concentrate on more relevant news such as our growing involvement in Syria and Iraq, or the horrific shooting of three young students in North Carolina that appears to be over a parking spot, but could have some racist overtones considering that the victims were Muslim. As much as I thought about going on a rant about this first, at the last minute I really thought the responsible thing to do would be to wait until there is more information released.