Fifty Shades of Bullshit

 I was having a conversation the other day with a lovely young lady about literature, when the subject turned to that book that every lonely chick on the train was reading last year, “Fifty Shades of Grey.” You know, that movie that is opening on Valentine’s Day, just in case your facebook feed didn’t remind you every 10 minutes. It was during my conversation with this dark haired beauty, who was kind and patient enough to listen to my rant that I wondered for a moment whether or not maybe I was slightly upset at being single on Valentine’s Day for the first time since the Clinton Administration?

Seriously I cannot be the only one who fails to see that it is bullshit like reverence for this book that keeps women thrust under the glass ceiling. Whenever one of these lonely hausfraus cackles on about how being tied up and exploring S&M is their “fantasy,” and why can’t all men read their minds and give it to them, it reminds me of every 30 year old woman who fell in love with flesh eating vampires because of the “Twilight” series. “Oh, I could so see myself being Edward Cullen’s wife, just like in the book.” Hey moron, VAMPIRES ARE NOT REAL! And if they were, I assure you the only thing they would love about you is how your blood tastes right before ripping your delusional head off.

I feel the same way about this Fifty Shades of Grey crap. Of course this is your fantasy, but I assure you it has less to do with S&M and considerably more to do with the fact that the sociopathic main character tying you up is a rich, handsome, white guy. Come on, wake the fuck up already! Didn’t you see “American Psycho?” You should know by now how this one is gonna end. You think all those chicks met the business end of a chainsaw because Christian Bale was broke and unattractive but courted them with his poetry reading?

Let’s how enthusiastic you are about this “fantasy” if it were the homeless guy that lives in front of the library who drools on himself and scares the whiteness out of the tourists by telling them he is Michael Jackson wanting to tie you up…then proceed to light you on fire with the lit tip of a sweet scented candle.  

Believe me, if it were recently retired Senator Carl Levin (D-MI) breathing down your lonely neck, instead of “fantasizing” you would be filing a sexual harassment lawsuit so fast he wouldn’t even have time to fix his combover.

Here’s an idea…before you end up a lonely woman with a lot of cats due to your unrealistic expectations and over active imagination, how about you just learn to deal with the fact that your life may really suck if you emotionally invest so much in your constant escapes from it, and maybe it is time to make some real changes, before you end up like this maniac...

 

                      Yup that's her...marrying herself...

Don’t play so hard to get to the point where you just might miss something. Realize that the answers are not in some fantasy world of unrealistic expectations. I certainly don’t know where the answers are, but I sure as fuck know where they are not. But then again, look who you are getting advice from, the guy who is single on Valentine’s Day.

Wait a minute, I just had an epiphany…I have enough loved ones around me despite my acknowledgement that I live in an imperfect world that I really don’t give a shit about being single on Valentine’s Day, so maybe listening to me isn’t such a bad idea… 

I apologize, but I am afraid I cannot concentrate on more relevant news such as our growing involvement in Syria and Iraq, or the horrific shooting of three young students in North Carolina that appears to be over a parking spot, but could have some racist overtones considering that the victims were Muslim. As much as I thought about going on a rant about this first, at the last minute I really thought the responsible thing to do would be to wait until there is more information released.