The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2014

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – When a Grand Jury on Staten Island chose not to indict the officer that killed Eric Gardner I was angry. When Michael Brown was shot dead in the middle of the street I was shocked. I have never been much of a joiner, but I actually did protest in Times Square along with thousands of others, against police brutality and to reclaim our community from what we perceive is a police state. I have to admit being able to express my feelings on this matter so openly was refreshing and I could see why people did it. I am one of those people that avoid any interaction with police, and I try as best I can to never put myself in a situation where I have to engage them.

What I came to realize that night amongst those other shocked, angry New Yorkers is that my way of thinking towards police comes from years of seeing how they interact with my people, and with me. I am pretty sure that no one raised in a rich suburb feels this way about police. But when you are brought up to never snitch, to never speak to police; when you see them actively harassing people for selling flowers on Roosevelt Avenue but ignoring the drug dealer next to them, you do get angry. When you get frisked because you put your foot on an empty subway chair, you get angry. And these are just little things. When the death of a man at the hands of police is on fucking Youtube and a congressman has the audacity to defend it, how do you not expect this anger to boil over?
So as we were walking, I turned to my friend and asked why we were here. The answer was simpler than I thought, and it came to me rather quickly. It was because we had kids.  We had to be here. When our children grow up and study history, we will be accountable to them for our actions during times of historical significance. How do we explain to them that we did nothing?

What makes this the news story of the year however, goes beyond just protests. Just a few weeks later, some idiot whose name I will not make famous, decided that the best way to get revenge was to “put wings on pigs.” Someone not even from New York decided that he would kill two police officers as “revenge” for the killing of Eric Gardner. How exactly is this revenge? What did these two particular officers do to deserve death? And do you realize that any moral high ground that we had is now gone and that you just gave a reason to police to be even more apprehensive towards the community that they are supposed to protect?
Pat Lynch, PBA Union mouthpiece, decided he would improve the situation by blaming Mayor Di Blasio. Really? Why, because he told the truth about having to talk to his black son about how to interact with Police? I suppose the best thing the Mayor could have done is not acknowledge the fact that there is a problem with how the police interact with minorities. He probably should have risked his son’s life so that Lynch could feel better about himself. And these cops turning their backs on the mayor in some sort of protest that miraculously attempts to place them as the victims is complete bullshit. For Lynch to insinuate that the mayor is wrong and that there is no problem at all with how police relate to minorities is insane. Those officers and their C.O.s should be reprimanded. This is not how a police force treats its boss, and these officers should be ashamed of themselves. Yes, there are tears symbolizing the two dead officers who did not deserve to die, who do deserve to be mourned, but there are a million more tears to represent those that have been killed needlessly by police, and this situation was a tragedy then, not just now.

The police of course, certainly do not make the situation better either when they act this way.

There cannot be a war between minorities and police, I assure you no one will win.  

 
 

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – “I Can’t Breathe.”

 

                   -  Eric Gardner, alleged loose cigarette vendor while being arrested.

Up until this year, this section had always been reserved for something really stupid said by some celebrity douchebag or out of touch politician, but have any other words had more impact this year than those three?

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “True Detective” Holy mother how could it not be? By far, there was only one show this year that had you describing how your mind got blown on Sunday night every Monday morning.

ASSHOLE(S) OF THE YEAR – House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-La.) and Rep. Michael Grimm. I often wonder exactly what it is that a Congressman has to do to actually lose his fucking job. Scalise decided to give a speech in 2002 to a group chaired by none other than Louisiana gubernatorial candidate and former KKK Imperial Wizard David Duke. Nice. Now that this has come to light, this power hungry asshole should just apologize and step down, or at the very least, give up his leadership position in the House, right? Well none of that is happening. Now you gotta love his explanation: "I don't have any records from back in 2002, but when people called and asked me to speak to groups, I went and spoke to groups,” Scalise said. “I didn't know who all of these groups were and I detest any kind of hate group. For anyone to suggest that I was involved with a group like that is insulting and ludicrous.” Right…so you are saying that you didn’t recognize David Duke while in Louisiana? OK.

Then there is Michael Grimm. This asshole was facing multiple felony counts including tax evasion, which he eventually plead guilty to, and threatened a reporter with throwing him off a balcony for doing his job by asking about the charges, all while running for re-election. Talk about multi-tasking while under indictment! Even better is the fact that he still won his re-election campaign in his district! Who ran against him that was so bad they couldn’t beat someone under felony indictment? What were they? A convicted murderer? This is the same district where the Eric Gardner case happened so I am beginning to think it’s time to let them secede from New York City. Seriously, couldn’t this selfish prick just have stepped down before the election and not cost his district millions of dollars now that they have to run a special election? Oh, and an honorable mention should go out to Speaker of the House John Boehner. Boehner is actually standing by Scalise and has yet to ask him to step down, not even from his leadership position, much less Congress.  What a complete asshole.

PERSON OF THE YEAR – Masoud Barzani. Don’t know him? It’s OK I am used to educating people by now. He is the president of the Kurdistan region of Iraq, and he has done the following: negotiated oil revenue deals with longtime enemies Turkey and the Baghdad controlled Iraq, made the case for an independent Kurdistan which the rest of the world has been lukewarm to recognize, oh yeah, and he is fighting ISIS on the ground pretty much by himself. The Kurdish peshmerga army taking all of the casualties on the ground. I would hope that Western nations learn from their mistakes and support the handful of leaders in the Islamic world that actually don’t want to blow you up. Kurds have been historically pro-western and if we respond in kind this could be the beginning of a better understanding between our two cultures.

Maybe the reason he doesn’t get a lot of publicity is because keeping Americans confused and hating what they don’t understand certainly doesn’t hurt the justification for our bloated defense budget.

CRAZY PERSON OF THE YEAR – Scott Stapp. If there was ever a band that genuinely sucked the life out of the 90’s music I loved, it was Creed. Damn they were horrible. And their lead singer was a less famous but just as assholish version of Kanye West. Now it seems that he is really struggling with the fact that he is not famous anymore. In the past months he has had to be put in the boobie-hatch for various reasons; the most entertaining one being a 911 call that authorities received from his wife saying that he was going to kill President Obama because he was a CIA agent and feared that ISIS was after his kids. Wow, I really don’t know how to respond to this.

POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – José "Pepe" Mujica, President of Uruguay. To be honest, I have been waiting for years to write about my admiration for this man. So this year I decided to give him this award not for anything that he has done in particular this year, but just because he is so cool, and the rest of the world can learn a lot from him. Incidentally, it is Latino world leaders that are taking the lead in finally trying to curb the frivolous excesses enjoyed by so few at the expense of so many. Pope Francis, originally from Argentina, is driving his own car and staying in a humble residence all while denouncing economic inequality.

Mujica, a former urban guerrilla fighter, donates 90% of his salary to various charities, legalized pot and gay marriage, and told both FIFA and the UN to basically go fuck themselves. His term is up this year, and it is the worst possible news for a world that needs him as a world leader. So I guess I just wanted to find a way to celebrate this man in his final days as President. I hope Uruguay elects someone that can carry that mantle. Buena suerte, viejo. I leave you with this quote:  “The worst negotiation is better than the best war. That's what I think now, because I know the pain and sacrifice of war." Take heed Dick Cheney.

 OVERUSED PHRASE OF THE YEAR – “YOLO (You Only Live Once)” I know that already, thank you. If you need to create a stupid word to justify frat boy/girl behavior when you are clearly too old for it, then you are beyond help.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Boyhood” This is truly fascinating film making. Whenever I see something totally original I cannot help but celebrate it.  Something that has never been done before like this, and I hope it is acknowledged during awards season. I won’t give away any spoilers, but this is really worth watching.

COOLEST MOVIE WITH NO OVERLY FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT THAT YOU DIDN’T SEE BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE – “Divergent” Look, I know you all hate me for giving this award to Twilight in 2008, but even you have to admit that movie sans the stupid love story was pretty cool in some spots. This movie has that same vibe. And come on, am I really the only one who wants to see what is beyond that fence in the sequels?

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “Lost in the Dream”/The War On Drugs. There is something about this band that seems to bring together so many of the things I like about music. Even though this record was mostly just whatever came out of Adam Granduciel’s head, I like how simple he makes the complex arrangements sound. East Coast indie rock with a not-overly pretentious vibe.

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND THAT YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Had To Hear”/Real Estate. I really loved this song. So much that it actually might make my playlist of favorite songs of all time. I cannot guarantee that it will have the same effect on you. But it just took me to autumn here in New York in a way that a song has not done in a long time.

COOLEST SONG(S) BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A (WERE NOT) BIG HIT(S) – “Ordinary Love” “Invisible” “The Miracle (of Joey Ramone)”/U2. What can I say? It was a three way tie by one band. Unheard of in this day and age. You know, I keep waiting for this second act of U2 to jump the shark, but it never does. I genuinely love this band, but I have to admit that when I have seen them live lately, they are way too in love with the era of their worst musical output (1997-2001) for some odd reason. They have released a lot of great singles over the past 13 years “Electrical Storm,” and “Window in the Sky” to name a few, so does anyone really need to hear “Stuck in a Moment That You Can’t Get Out Of” ever again?

COOLEST SONG OF THE YEAR – “Happy”/ Pharrell. Fuck you I liked it. So sue me.

COOLEST ACT OF THE YEAR – OK this may surprise some of you…

Maybe it’s me; maybe I just have a thing for dark, brooding, slightly psychotic big chicks with British accents and soulful voices. Last year, Lorde won this category, and I was right. She has substance as an artist even though she is getting a bit creepier than I would feel comfortable with. I loved Amy Winehouse, too. I was glad she never went to rehab, even though she has since dropped dead, but that was part of her weird charm. Charli XCX is this year’s winner. She is in that same aforementioned vibe as Lorde and Winehouse, and I’m certainly feeling her.

She is gorgeous and at the same time, maybe a little unsafe to be around. It’s seems like depending on her mood, she will either beat you with a stick, fuck you, kill you, or feed you, and not necessarily in that order. She isn’t as mature as the other two though, but still pretty cool. And I say yet again, is she the next Debbie Harry or Patti Smith? Fuck no. But given the mindless pop drivel that seems to be sprouting from teenagers we choose to make famous, this is quite a refreshing breather.

ONE HIT WONDER THAT I REALLY HOPE STAYS AWAY AFTER IT FINALLY GOES AWAY – I don’t really know, so how about you just turn on your radio and pick whatever auto-tuned, badly produced, weak rap break having bullshit on the radio right now, because it will certainly never be culturally relevant later. 

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The San Antonio Spurs, NBA. Am I the only one aware that The Spurs and their star Tim Duncan, have won 5 NBA Championships since 1999? Yes- that is just as many as Kobe Bryant, and one more than Shaquille O’ Neal in his entire career. Am I the only one aware that their “big three” of Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobli never seem to age, mostly because their brilliant coach, Greg Popovich knows 1- how not to over use them, and 2- how to build a bench that compliments the starters he has, not by random, but by drafting the best players for the team, not just the best players available. This strategy has allowed for players other than the big three to thrive. Do you know who last year’s NBA Finals MVP was? Of course you don’t! But you should, his name is Kawhi Leonard and he is the future of a team that in this day and age, has actually bought into the team concept, and that includes their big stars.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers, NBA. He is playing pretty well, but his team is struggling a bit to find their identity. He even went so far as to say that “we are not a very good team right now.” Ouch! LeBron did not win this award however, for his play on the court. He won it for doing something paradoxical to who he is, not as a person, but as a public figure, and that is, speaking out on an important social issue. I grew up loving Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan, but these two stars were in their prime in the 80’s and never publicly spoke out against Apartheid in South Africa. Magic only became the AIDS advocate that he is today after contracting HIV himself in 1991. Jordan was also in his prime and remained silent about the riots in Los Angeles in 1992. Now don’t get me wrong, these athletes have every right to keep their opinions to themselves, but they certainly do not have to, and in some cases certainly should not.

LeBron James wearing an “I Can’t Breathe” t-shirt was a brave thing to do considering that it could have very well cost him millions in endorsements. Of course a shout out goes to the other NBA players that did it, but there can be no doubt that James was the biggest name on that list, something that a lot of superstars that came before him chose to avoid. This is a courageous move and is to be admired.    

ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE– Kobe Bean Bryant, NBA. The title of this category is usually known as “Beloved Athlete Who Really Should Retire.” But in this case, let’s leave the “Beloved” for someone else; anyone else. What was arguably the best free agent class in the history of the NBA last year, produced no players at all that wanted to play in one of the biggest sports markets in the country, with one of the sport’s biggest assholes. How does that happen? How do you manage to sign…nobody? Even the God-awful Knicks managed to hang on to Carmelo Anthony. The open secret seems to be that nobody wants to play with Kobe Bryant. Bryant for one, seems to be blissfully unaware that his massive contract and attitude makes it impossible for his team to sign anyone of substance. He also seems to ignore that he is the focus of every opposing team’s defense, and he is just not that good anymore. But my favorite Kobe delusion that is single-handedly destroying the Los Angeles Lakers is the one where he is “chasing” Michael Jordan. Dude, you passed Jordan in points scored with five extra years in which to do it. You will never have as many MVP’s, scoring titles, or championships. So if you are chasing Jordan, let me give you an image… Jordan is Usain Bolt and you are Martin Lawrence in those “Big Momma” movies.    

BIGOTED ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – The first two time winner of this award goes to none other than bigoted racist asshole and now multi-billionaire, Donald Sterling, former owner of the Los Angeles Clippers. For all of you just now jumping on the bandwagon of hating this guy because you heard an audio tape, where were you in 2009 when The JB Random Report publicly called out this asshole for being a racist?

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – This, as in every year, we have lost cultural icons that make the world just a little less bearable without their continued contribution to it, replaced by the mindless and the mediocre. I mean does anyone honestly think that Robin Williams can be replaced by Kevin Hart? Or that Jimmy Ruffin should be forgotten because, after all, we still have Justin Bieber? Why mourn Jack Bruce while we still have John Mayer? Tony Gwynn, arguably the greatest pure hitter of his era may be gone, but Alex Rodriguez will be back from his steroid suspension next season. Hooray for the integrity of the game!! And can a brilliant mind like Maya Angelou ever be replaced by the fat chick who writes “Girls?”

Someone who really is irreplaceable in his chosen field however, is Gustavo Cerati, and I wanted to do what the shitheads who produced the Latin Grammys could not…pay proper homage to a true Latin musician, and a pioneer in Latin Rock.

I always thought of the Latin Grammys as somewhat of a complete and utter disgrace. It is basically a celebration of mindless, repetitive bad music disguised as a booty shaking contest. Not that they never acknowledge good music (Cerati has won a few Grammys himself), but come on...And if you think I’m being too hard on them, I can assure you that half naked video hoes gyrating to music of no substance make us all look bad.
But where they really could have redeemed themselves was during the eulogy segment celebrating those we have lost in the Latino music community. They gave Cerati a few seconds, and for a crowd that was numb from staring at Sofia Vergara’s tits for the past two hours, the audience exploded in recognition of a true artist. It left me wanting more. How about a montage of his contributions like they do for so many other pioneers? Even the bullshit popularity contest that is this show should have at least acknowledged that Soda Stereo, when they reunited in 2007, sold out every major stadium in Latin America more than once. Let’s see Jennifer Lopez or Pitbull do that shit!

 

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!