The JB Random Report End Of The Year Awards 2015

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – This year it was a close one, between the traveling circus freak show that is the Republican Primary and the very real gun violence that is sweeping the United States. But given the fact that both these stories can only be viewed, even by the most objective but sane observer, as tragedies with only one solution, even given the variables, they are in fact, intertwined.

The United States is struggling mightily for its soul. Who are we? And more importantly, who do we want to be? Well my point is that both these questions can be answered when addressing two of the most important issues facing our country today, and realizing that they are dominated by the same things…fear and ignorance.

Do we want to be a nation that is so afraid of the rest of the world that we are willing to elect a racist xenophobe for President, who wants to ban all Muslims from immigrating to the United States and wants to build a wall along our southern border?

And I am not just talking about that idiot Donald Trump. He is an easy target. Don’t think for one minute that the rest of the psychos running for the Rebublican nomination do not in some ways feel the same exact way he does. Trump just has the guts to say it, and the ignorant masses are so refreshed to hear a politician be honest, that they ignore what he is being honest about.

Of course this fear baiting has led to people speaking out in ignorance, and doing what comes natural, loading their guns. The NRA obviously has some type of mystical hold on the government when 90% of the population wants further background checks on gun purchases and Congress votes against it consistently. I know their argument all too well, and it really doesn’t work…Yes a crazy man with a hammer can commit an act of terrorism and we would not blame the hammer. However, a hammer does not kill multiple victims from a few yards out, so the “tool” argument really doesn’t work does it? Unless you yourself are a tool and an NRA slave.

Oh yeah...an obvious terrorist mastermind

A few weeks ago, a friend of those two assholes who killed 14 people in California (I will not make them famous unless they were still at large) was charged with aiding and abetting terrorism. OK look at this meatball, Enrique Marquez. Seriously take a good look at this nitwit…This asshole looks less like a terrorist conspirator and more like a wanna-be who is still living in his parents basement and getting on line to see the new “Star Wars” movie at midnight (OK I would have done that too but this asshole probably dressed up like Boba Fett). Really, is this obvious chronic masturbator really who we should be afraid of? NO. Unless of course, he can make his delusions real by easily accessing a firearm, which is exactly what happened.

And what do Republicans do? They double down on the asshole factor by saying that anyone who mentions guns is politicizing the issue. Hey asshole, politics are supposed to make for better government and better lives for people, so I will politicize it until the fucking cows come home, or we have sensible gun laws in this country.

And I’m not even addressing how many black lives have been lost to police shootings, which is the biggest example of gun violence anyone could possibly imagine. That is a whole other story, but I assure you, also intertwined with this. The list of lives taken never seems to end does it? This has to mean something to us all, and we must vote accordingly, or we will end up eternal victims   

QUOTE OF THE YEAR –  Carrie Fisher responding to comments on her now 59 year old body on Twitter: “Please stop debating about whether OR not👁aged well. Unfortunately it hurts all 3 of my feelings. My BODY hasn’t aged as well as I have. Blow us.” Nothing to add here.

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – I didn’t really watch a lot of TV this year so I guess I’ll just give it to whatever it was I watched, and I usually watch the same things. RealTime with Bill Maher, Homeland, The Leftovers. OK I’ll flip a coin…and the winner is…Homeland. 

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – You have no idea how badly I wanted to give this award to Republican Party frontrunner Donald J Trump. But alas there was actually a bigger asshole in 2015 if you can believe it.

Coming in at a close second is Ethan Couch the asshole known as “affluenza guy.” That this prick can kill four people during a DUI and get 10 years probation is beyond me or anyone with any legal training. And obviously he learned nothing of the dangers of the self-entitlement he used as a defense. The fucking asshole got probation…probation, no jail time and STILL thought the sentence was so bad he had to flee? And the greatest irony is that given the terms of his probation, unless a good argument is made, the most he can do is 120 days in jail. I wonder how much probation or jail time he can do to bring back the people he killed.

No, this coveted award just has to go to, yep, the asshole who jacked up the price on AIDS medication. Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli’s decision to increase the price of an AIDS drug by 5,000% was actually done with a straight face and with the belief that no one would call him out on it, which again, says more about the pharmaceutical industry’s standards than it does about Shkreli.

In a slight bit of karma however, this smug asshole was arrested for securities fraud, and while unrelated to the price mark up, we like to think that maybe there is a God…

MOTHER OF THE YEAR – I usually give this one out with a twinge of irony (like the year I gave it to that magnificent train wreck, Britney Spears). But this year I am actually being sincere. During the riots in Baltimore due to Freddy Gray’s murder at the hands of police, Toya Graham, a single mother of six, was filmed telling her child to “take that fucking mask off,” while beating his ass for being involved in the riots. Her reasoning had nothing to do with her needing anger management or being abusive in a moment of weakness: “That’s my only son, and at the end of the day, I don’t want him to be a Freddie Gray,” Graham said. “But to stand up there and vandalize police officers, that’s not justice.” Parenting...she’s doing it right.

PERSON OF THE YEAR – His Holiness Pope Francis. Yes, a two-time winner of this award. Now I ask you, is there anyone cooler? Is there anyone who inspired you more this year? In just one visit to the United States this Pope has done more to endear himself to the world than his predecessor did in his entire reign as Pope. The scars of what the Catholic Church has been guilty of are not gone, but I ask you, who has done more to try to heal them? 

POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) will probably not be the next President of the United States. But the fact that he has some this far in a race that should have been a lock for Hillary Clinton, says a lot about how a grass roots campaign can actually be successful. The truth is, the fact that a 74-year-old self-declared socialist from Vermont has made the Democratic front-runner “feel the Bern” with double-digit support really is a victory, even if a token one.

Sanders’ numbers should serve to energize liberals. His rallies are true happenings and his voice is getting a great deal of slow and steady momentum. His success is great for the party, and Hillary better not be fitting for the crown just yet. I hope that his achievement can bring Hillary, a lifetime centrist, a bit more to the left on some issues.

 OVERUSED PHRASE OF THE YEAR – “Netflix and Chill” I really believe this is actually coded language for “Cheap Food and Date Rape.” Look, inviting someone over to watch a movie with some level of expectation of eventually seeing them naked is fine, but this phrase makes it so obvious that it takes away the anticipation.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – Really? There is a debate here that you really feel you need to have? “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR – Harrison Ford “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” It was a cool movie. Did he do anything else this year?

COOLEST MOVIE WITH SOMEWHAT FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT THAT YOU STILL DIDN’T(YET/PROBABLY) SEE BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE – “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” Well there were some not so famous people in the movie, and it's my list so fuck you! 

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “Art Angels” – Grimes. Here is an artist that has been around for years and released 4 albums. And although I have always thought she was cool, none of her other works have ever hooked me quite like this one. I have to say I love being surprised when it comes to music. Just when you think you know all there is to know about an artist, they hit you with something you were not expecting. 

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT – “Random Name Generator” – Wilco. Don’t call it a comeback!

COOLEST SONG OF THE YEAR – “Trouble” Keith Richards. Look I know I may get some flack because I’m such a huge Rolling Stones fan that one may think I am not being objective. But really couldn’t get enough of this one. And apparently neither could Howard Stern.

COOLEST ACT OF THE YEAR – Bully. If you say they are (musically at least) a broke version of Sleater-Kinney you may be right, but they really are good regardless.

ONE HIT WONDER THAT I REALLY HOPE STAYS AWAY AFTER IT FINALLY GOES AWAY – That “Whip Nae Nae” bullshit. The only thing more hateful would be another single by one of the Kardashians.

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The Golden State Warriors, NBA. Yes they beat a severely depleted Cleveland Cavaliers team to win their first NBA Championship since the 1970’s, yes they rely heavily on outside shooting. Fair criticism aside though, they still had to play those games, and they still dominated them. Yes they got blown out the other night without Steph Curry, but it is early in the season and they deserve some time to find themselves and respond to pressures like this. Maybe they don’t have a guy that consistently plays above the rim, but like it or not, they are dominating the new way the NBA game is being played.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – Is it Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors, NBA? Certainly he had a great year and deserves this award. Serena Williams had an awesome year and even after age 30, a death sentence for the athletes in her sport, she will dominate women’s tennis. In many forums, she was the “female” athlete of the year. Bullshit. She dominates her sport more than any man or woman in any other sport.

However, even if she actually had won the Grand Slam in her sport this year, she still would have come up short to Zaevion Dobson, Fulton High School Football, Knoxville, Tenn. This incredibly brave young man used his body to shield three classmates from gunfire during a shoot-out at a house party, all before his 16^th birthday. Look, anyone who thinks that this award is better given to someone who showed prowess on the field is absolutely right. But I really felt this young man needed to be recognized, and it is my list so fuck you!

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE – Roy Jones Jr. This guy was one of my all-time favorite fighters growing up. He was really perfection to watch in the ring. So sharp and such a good student of every one of his opponents. But in yet another example of someone who is holding on too long, his fights lately have become difficult to watch. In October, at 46 years old, he announced that he would not fight again after knocking out a forgettable Willie Williams, but please Roy, don’t lie to yourself and to a boxing public who respects you by attempting some sort of comeback like so many other fighters. The concern for your health is growing.

BIGOTED ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Who else but the man who almost swept our awards this year, Donald Trump. Seriously, this guy is to assholes what the movie “Titanic” was to the Oscars in 1997. And I say again, the fact that he is the Republican front runner in December, that David Duke, former Presidential candidate and KKK member, stated that Trump is more radical than he is, that he has offended everyone from former POW’s to Latinos, to Women, and to minorities, says more about registered Republicans and less about him, and we should be ashamed of ourselves. 

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – Usually there is one great amongst the many, but this year we lost Julian Bond, the great civil rights activist, and John Forbes Nash, a genius. Music lost BB King, Lemmy Kilmister and Scott Weiland.

The sports world lost the great Dean Smith and the greatest catcher ever in Yogi Berra. Every year has losses, but this year’s seem just a bit more monumental. Many times we believe that a loss of great magnitude will leave us weaker or unable to move on, but we manage to. This year, got a bit dimmer without these people. 

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!