Welcome Back, Now What's Happening? 8/17/12

For the past few weeks I have been resting comfortably at an undisclosed location. But I guess it’s back to work

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So nice of Robot Mitt Romney to pick his running mate while I was away, I had no idea who the guy was so he actually gave me some time to do some research. Wisconsin’s own Paul Ryan seems nice enough; he doesn’t come across as a typical Tea bagger maniac at first glance, but give him some time. And am I the only one dying for that shirtless Paul Ryan pic to finally surface?

What surprised me was how the Obama campaign was so quick to criticize this guy as a Right wing loon that wants to give tax breaks to the rich, bust labor unions and financially destroy the middle class. Well yeah…who were you expecting them to pick? Dennis Kucinich? The Democrats are going to need a bit more substantive firepower than criticizing a Republican for being a Republican…Come on guys…get inspired! Gimmie some typical Republican dirt, like an off shore bank account or a secret gay affair...you know, something conservatives are known for!

SPORTS

I, as I do every four years, always catch a serious case of Olympic Fever. But this year I have to admit, although I watched a lot of events while I was on vacation, I really didn’t get as into it as I usually do. First off, no one was going to outdo the Opening Ceremony of 2008 in Beijing, but did you really have to give us a musical number about England’s transition from an agrarian economy to an industrial one? Why not make a musical about the Titanic? Wait a minute…someone actually did that right? I was kinda hoping to see David Bowie or an Oasis reunion. Instead, you give me a woman milking a cow and child labor.

The US Women’s Gymnastics Team was cute; Michael Phelps becoming the most decorated Olympian of all time was nice to watch, even though he seemed a bit bored, and it was obvious he didn’t train nearly as hard as he should have. Had he wanted to, he could have swept every race he was in.

That Ryan Lochte dude is about as articulate as a bag of rocks, and that’s with the grill; without it, about as articulate as tree sap.

The US Men’s Basketball Team was efficient, they won as expected, but were just not very exciting. And why wasn’t Tyson Chandler in the Gold Medal game against Spain? Wouldn’t they have needed his size given the fact that Spain had two 7-footers in the Gasol brothers?

I actually got into the smaller countries winning medals than the typical China vs. USA vs. Russia battle. The Cold War is over.

The Closing ceremonies were actually a bit more interesting in London because they finally celebrated what England is best known for, at least culture wise: music. This is what the Opening Ceremonies should have looked like, only with the addition of the World’s absolute greatest rock band, The Rolling Stones. Seriously how can you celebrate England’s greatest cultural export, and I don’t mean every drunken rich guy putting a napkin on his head trying to imitate Queen Victoria, but music, and not include the Stones?

I mean thank you for Brian May. I have no idea who Jessie J is but she has a great ass for a white chick so thank you again, but I really could have done without the Spice Girls. I was there for the first time around and they sucked then, too. That’s like a girl with a great smile that is missing a front tooth.

However, fear not Olympic fans, as London took the Opening Ceremonies to celebrate what they are most known for, so will Rio de Janeiro in 2016. So get ready for a lot of big asses in thongs! All the more reason to get into the Olympic spirit starting now!

All those Yankee fans that wanted to hold on to Melky Cabrera must be glad that the team got rid of him now that he has tested positive for PEDs and will be suspended 50 games, which is pretty much the rest of the season. This could very well be a death nail for the San Francisco Giants considering how lukewarm their offense has been and the struggles of Tim Lincecum. I can see the new Melky t-shirt now…”Got ‘Roids?”

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Ummm…I’m not really sure…can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on in the world?