Does the GOP Have a Weird Sex Fetish? 8/24/12

Uhh guys…a word of advice. Don't waste your time trying to get the attention of that half naked bimbo at the club. Don't buy her an overpriced drink, and don't make an ass out of yourself gawking like an idiot. She doesn’t dress like that because she looking for a guy like you. She dresses like that because she is insecure, stupid and in desperate need of validation. Seriously if she were planning to go home with you tonight would she have come here with six other angry, man-hating cock blockers? Wake up.

Now you want a real chick? Go to a library. That hottie sitting in front of you has spent the last six hours with her head buried in the Uniform Commercial Code, she really needs comforting. I’m serious, I never go to clubs, and yet I’m always smiling…I assure you there is a reason for that.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I would like to thank Rep. Todd Akin for telling me exactly what “legitimate rape” is. I didn’t know what it was until he blessed me with his typical Tea bagger scientific insight. I’m sure that all rape victims can now breathe a sigh of relief now that they know the exact science of what was probably the most horrifying experience of their lives. Now if he could only prove that hurricanes and other natural disasters are caused by Gay marriage, I think we have a Nobel Prize winner here! What a “legitimate” total asshole!

And speaking of hurricanes, there is one headed to Florida that might put a serious damper on the Republican National Convention. Well, at least now we know what God thinks of Mitt Romney.

SPORTS

After Bartolo Colon, the second ex-Yankee in a week has been busted for using PED’s, received a 50 game suspension, Skip Bayless of ESPN decided to use his keen insight and investigative powers to question whether or not Derek Jeter might be using PED’s considering that he is having one of the best years of his career at 38 years old. “You would have to have your head in the sand or your head somewhere else not to at least wonder, 'How is he doing this?'" Bayless said Wednesday. Hey Skip, there are great players who have never been anywhere near a steroid accusation, but can’t seem to get into the Hall of Fame because of uninformed reporters like you making such presumptive statements. Can we test you for being a moron?

And the US Anti Doping Agency has banned cyclist Lance Armstrong for life from the sport, and has stripped him of his record seven Tour De France titles, after he decided to drop the appeal of his doping charges. Now, I can see them banning him from cycling in the United States, but since when do they have jurisdiction over the Tour de France?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Do you know who Congressman Kevin Yoder is? Well thanks to his love of getting naked in a foreign country, now we all do! This is the "conservative" congressman who decided he wanted to get in touch with Jesus by skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee during an official congressional trip to Israel. Well as Republicans have now begun distancing themselves from him, he did receive one major endorsement: "Obviously, Congressman Yoder is a typical American who enjoys skinny-dipping, like over 50 million other Americans," said a statement from the American Association for Nude Recreation. Oh yeah….that endorsement should go a long way to getting him re-elected! If these are the nitwits we are sending to one of the holiest places on Earth, is it any wonder why they think we are all boneheads?