Why Does Everyone Seem a Bit Nuts? 5/27/11

Woke up to some shitty news…Gil Scott-Heron has died. “You will not be able to stay home brothas…”

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Did anyone watch President Barack Obama’s speech in Ireland on Monday? Because I still can’t stop thinking about it. They treated him like he was an American rock star, not a head of state. The reception this man gets in the rest of the world is the greatest I have ever seen in my life. The minute he said “Hello Ireland,” the crowd exploded in wild cheers. I thought it was Steven Tyler about to break into “Walk This Way” or “Sweet Emotion.” And even more compelling was how the usual clouds that cover the Emerald Isle parted and the sun came out the minute he started talking. I am serious, YouTube it and you will see. For someone who is considered by some religious nuts in his own country to be the Anti-Christ, he certainly has nature on his side and is loved everywhere else.

So I’m watching CNN and the ticker read “George W Bush Finally Breaks His Silence on the Events of the Middle East.” Finally? Really? How about that retard stay silent on every issue, every time? He does a lot better getting out of the way of foul balls at Texas Rangers games. Serioiusly asking GW Bush's opinion on the Middle East is like asking a serial killer like Ted Bundy how cute his victims were.

Even though I would love to celebrate this a bit more, let me just say that it’s been a bad 4 weeks for terrorist assholes. Osama Bin Laden, and the capture of Bernard Munyagishari, a Hutu asshole responsible for genocide in Rwanda, and then there is the capture of Serbian asshole Ratko Mladic, also responsible for the genocide during the Bosnian Wars. Serbia has had the audacity to say that he is harmless because he has had three strokes. I say, I don’t give a shit if he is drooling in a wheelchair and asking for his mama, he must be brought to justice. Let’s just hope that the Hague doesn’t take a few decades dragging thier feet only to have the defendant eventually drop dead while awaiting trial like they did with Milosevic.

SPORTS

I really am into the NBA Playoffs more so than I have been in a long time. I’m rooting for Dallas and I was hoping the Chicago Bulls would play them in the Finals but it didn’t turn out that way. Still, Dirk Nowitzki is finally getting the credit he deserves, and I would love to see Jason Kidd win a ring.

Did someone put some type of moron juice in Scottie Pippen’s coffee yesterday morning? Is he still that bitter and sad about playing second fiddle to Michael Jordan all those years that he had the audacity to spew that he thinks LeBron James is a better player? If “Da’ Pip” really believes that James was a more complete player than Jordan, then he agrees with what I have been saying for years, the best player in the NBA was Ervin “Magic” Johnson. So let’s just end this now...LeBron James will never, ever, be a better player than Jordan. Ever. The basketball Gods have spoken…

ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

This award goes to Mitt Romney, and for the first time ever, I have no idea why. In a fund raising stop in Chicago, Romney decided to stop at a local pizza place. He ordered some food and decided to send the leftovers to the Obama re-election headquarters. Ok if anyone can tell me why this is funny or what it actually means, I would appreciate it. Or is he just batshit? For now I’m going with batshit.

Someone's Present and Future Earnings Just Got "Terminated." 5/19/11

Hey, sorry about last week, but I was a bit melancholy after having discovered that my mom was once very close friends with Arnold Shwarzenegger. Although the DNA tests came back negative, I still can’t explain why I could bench press 300 pounds when I was 4 years old.

And why is this woman smiling? Because news is that Maria Shriver has hired a lawyer, not just any lawyer, but Laura Wasser. For those of you who don’t know her, let me give you an image…Imagine yourself on a playground waiting for a basketball court, and the guy who has next with you just happens to be Kobe Bryant…Or let me put it to you this way, Arnold just got half his assets and present and future earnings “Tehr-men-ayted.”

And speaking of Ah-nold movies, does “Conan the Barbarian” really need to be re-made?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Newt Gingrich sure started his presidential campaign off with a strong, inspired whimper didn’t he? First he had to backpedal with the dexterity of Lance Armstrong when confronted about his position on healthcare, then there are his 3 marriages, his adultery, his wife’s really creepy stare, and just in case his week wasn’t complete, he got glitter thrown at him by a gay guy during a book signing. Nice campaign.

And did I hear President Barack Obama correctly when he suggested Israel go back to the borders of 1967 in a speech today? Yeah ok…that has about as much chance of ever happening as Michele Bachman learning to read a newspaper or check facts.

SPORTS

Just what the fuck does Kevin Durant have in that backback? Why would he even need a backpack? It's not like he spent any significant amount of time in college or anything.

I always knew that Kareem Abdul Jabbar was a bit of an angry dude, but complaining over not getting a statue at Staples Center? Really? Not that he doesn’t deserve it, he most certainly does. Not only is he the NBA’s all-time leading scorer, but he has 3 NCAA Championships with UCLA, 5 NBA Championships with the Lakers, and 6 NBA MVP’s. But don’t toot your own horn Kareem, that behavior is beneath you. And remember getting statues is part achievement, and part popularity contest. Oscar De La Hoya has one, so let’s keep this in perspective.  

Jorge Posada is neither a villain nor a hero, he is just an aging ballplayer who is upset at being dropped in the line up. This is nothing new, it’s just magnified because it’s New York, and because team captain Derek Jeter kinda backed him up. Probably not because Posada was right, but because one day, and that day looks to be sooner than later, it will be Jeter being dropped in the line up.

But what I found even more compelling is last night’s game in Baltimore. And Joe Girardi doing something that he did in his first season with the Yankees; over-managing. Bartolo Colon shouldn’t even be in the majors this season, but it was an impressive season of winter baseball that caught coach Tony Pena’s eye and got him a spring try-out with the Yankees. Colon has responded by having one of his best season starts ever. Last night he pitched an eight inning shut out on only 87 pitches, and was inexplicably taken out in the 9^th inning by Girardi. Now, anyone can yell at a television, bellowing that this was a mistake, it doesn’t mean you know baseball, and Mariano Rivera in the 9^th is certainly not a risk so pipe down, Ty Cobb.

My problem with this is that Colon has done everything the Yankees have asked of him, and when Phil Hughes’ arm gave out, he took over his slot and has performed brilliantly. He deserves the respect that any other pitcher throwing a shut out would get; he deserved to be given at least a chance to finish his game. Now once again, no one could have predicted that Mariano would have blown the save and the game would have gone another 6 innings, but that’s what happened. My point is that is should have been Colon’s game to win or lose, and after all his hard work he ended up with a no-decision. Girardi needs to get a hold of this now, no one wants another “Bronx Zoo.” Well, unless they win of course, then it becomes kinda fun to watch.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Well if Judgment Day really is this Saturday, May 21^st, then what am I gonna do with the Yankee tickets I have for August?

Really? 5/6/11

Before I even get started, let me just say that no heterosexual man, under any circumstances, should have his bellybutton pierced.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Why is it that Republican nit-wits are so terrified of the big black president that they cannot give him credit for doing what retarded George W Bush could not? Seriously they take every opportunity to say that Osama Bin Laden was caught thanks to the intelligence gathered during the Bush administration. Really? Then why didn’t they go get him? And why did Bush say in an interview, and I quote, "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority," and, "I am truly not that concerned about him."  3/13/02. Seriously, even remotely giving GW Bush credit for killing Osama Bin Laden is like giving Forrest Gump credit for ending the Vietnam War.

And while Bush was busy not caring, President Barack Obama was keeping his promise to go and get Bin Laden where ever he was. As for what exactly Pakistan did or did not know, I can’t really say, but either way they look bad and with allies like this we may no longer need enemies. Now, this warhawk-ish cry to stop aid to the only Muslim country who will even talk to us in the region is a bit premature, and this needs to be handled delicately. They look bad enough so let’s not make it worse, at least not now. As for releasing his death pictures, I have to respect that it is the President's call, but you know what? I’m from New York City, I served in the military and I’m a taxpayer. These operations in the Middle East since 2001 have cost $1.19 trillion, not to mention thousands of American lives, and although I hate to admit it, I’d like to see a bullet smashed head for my troubles. 

Sorry Republicans, but Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin didn’t do this, Obama the Kenyan Muslim did, deal with it. And he is coming for your guns and Bibles next! And then, he will take away your Krispy Kremes and deep fried pork fat!

And finally, a shout out (no pun intended) to JSOC and the sailors of SEAL Team 6. Now that you got Bin Laden, you think you can take care of the assholes responsible for the daily increase in gas prices? And while you are at it, see if you can take out that wild beast living on Donald Trump’s head disguised as a combover.

SPORTS

Those “voluntary” workouts being held by NFL players on their own is a nice gesture until a middle tier player without a Tom Brady-sized bank account and no medical coverage gets hurt. I’d skip this and just let the whole lockout drama play out in court. 

And has anyone else been noticing the NBA Playoffs? This has been one of the most exciting playoffs that I can remember, and there is a very good chance that we might see an NBA Finals this year that does not include the Spurs, Celtics or even the Lakers. Younger teams are coming on strong like Chicago and League MVP Derrick Rose, Memphis who I correctly predicted would do damage if they kept that young core together, and Oklahoma City who have one of the best players in Kevin Durant. Of course Miami is finally starting to roll, but I would love to see one of these young teams make a dent in this old boys club that is the NBA Finals, and I stress the word “old.”  And one more thing NBA, can you please fine any player that when talking about the game uses the phrase “We just have to play (insert team name here) basketball.” It’s annoying and limited sounding.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Uhh…I think this one might be obvious

What An Interesting Week 5/2/11

President Barack Obama is having just as good a week as I am…

I was still recovering from Royal Wedding hangover when I heard the news…It took ten years, cost billions of dollars and thousands of US lives, I guess the question is whether or not the death of Osama Bin Laden was worth it. The overwhelming consensus seems to be “yes.” And I have to agree. At this point, ten years after the attacks of 9/11, Bin Laden was reduced to a figure head, a symbol of anti-US sentiment. No longer an actual leader, but a powerful symbol none the less. His death with further splinter a group that has no real charismatic leader to replace him. In the Van Halen of terrorists groups, only Sammy Hagars and Gary Cherones remain.

Of course US actions in Afghanistan greatly weakened Al-Qaeda’s ability to recruit suicide bombers and other terrorists, but the greatest blow to recruitment has come from the Muslim world itself. With a population of over 60% under 30 years old, these Muslims have grown up at a time where access to information is so readily available they know better than to believe that whole “72 Virgins” bullshit. And whether it’s Iran, Tunisia, Yemen, Egypt or Libya, young Muslims will no longer support being lied to, and have taken real action to be free. These actions have nothing to do with supporting the United States, and everything to do with wanting a better life. And in the end, a man hiding not in a cave, but in a million dollar mansion, and (allegedly) using his own wife as a human shield to avoid US bullets is hardly a revolutionary symbol anyone would admire.

As for the operation itself I will only say that the best thing the US did was not share the information with our “allies” in Pakistan, as he was living in their backyard. That propaganda fed to the ignorant that “Allah was protecting Bin Laden” was not God but sympathetic Pakistani intelligence officials who I can only hope are also brought to justice. I just hope the Halal guys on the corner of 73^rd and Broadway don’t shut down!

Some have asked whether or not this guarantees Obama’s re-election next year to which I replied, in the words of Harvey Keitel in “Pulp Fiction”…"Ahh, let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet." Never underestimate the power of stupidity. But I will say that the birth certificate issue being slammed shut and now this, things are looking good. All Obama needs for his approval rating to go as high as Bill Clinton’s in 1999 is to get an intern to blow him.

And finally, some advice for the US State Department…

The next time you brief the retarded President on September 9^th, 2001 that a potential US ally was murdered in Afghanistan and he ignores you, it’s OK to remind him that he is a retard and go on high alert despite his indifference.

Outside of my parents, I have very few people I admire, try to emulate, or even give two shits about. Other than wishing that I was reincarnated as Snoop Dogg, I also have no real passion for celebrities or World figures. This is due to the fact that one of my heroes, Professor John Louis Cooper always told me “Don’t look for heroes.” The greatest freedom fighter Afghanistan had ever seen was a man who I would have gladly fought for named Ahmad Shah Massoud. He kicked the shit out of the Russians when they were in Afghanistan and was known not only as the “Lion of Panjshir” but a Nobel Peace Prize nominee in 2002, and more importantly to us, as “The Afghan who ended the Cold War.” His Northern Alliance was driven into the mountains after the Taliban took over and he flatly rejected their doctrines.

He was our strongest political ally should we have ever had to go into Afghanistan, and no one knew this better than Al-Qaeda and the Taliban, which is why he was killed in a suicide bomb attack, two days before the World Trade Center attacks. The enemy knew that without Massoud, there would be no one in country to help the Allies once they retaliated. When you are supposedly monitoring those responsible for the USS Cole and the Embassy bombings in Tanzania and Kenya, and your biggest local ally is killed, shouldn’t you have at least lifted your ten gallon hat-sized head out of your Texas BBQ pit and done some investigating? Let’s hope we learned something from this.

I’m glad there are some celebrations, it’s not like we couldn’t use something to celebrate given how divided we have become in this country. Kinda like how the British were united celebrating the Royal Wedding, except our celebration came with automatic weapons and a dead asshole!