The JB Random Report 4/29/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

John McCain’s home state really does love to get it wrong don’t they? Bad enough Arizona decided not to respect a holiday honoring Martin Luther King Jr. even after it became federalized, now they have decided to take a federal matter into their own hands by passing an immigration law so heinous it is reminiscent of Jim Crow’s South. In a nutshell it gives local law enforcement the power to stop anyone and ask them for documentation if they suspect that they are illegally in the United States. I seem to remember “your papers are not in order” as a familiar line in every old movie whose stoyline involved escaping Nazi Germany. Kris W. Kobach a law professor at the University of Missouri at Kansas City, wrote an editorial in today’s New York Times defending the new law, probably because he was a contributor to its writing. I am quite surprised that a law professor thinks this law innocuous, given that even his own arguments in favor of it leave so much of its enforcement at the discretion of local police officers and not strict legal guidelines. And he is delusional if he honestly believes that this law is not open to a Constitutional challenge. Believe me, once some activist lawyer decides to take the case of an immigrant brave enough to fight this law, you will see a Supreme Court decision, one way or another. I hope they get this one right.
Oh and FYI… Arizona Iced Tea is made in Brooklyn, don’t boycott them!

Alabama, not to be outdone, has began running ads for Republican gubernatorial candidate Tim James arguing that Alabama's driver's license exam should be given only in English. "This is Alabama; we speak English," James says. "If you want to live here, learn it." The campaign spot has had more than 60,000 views on YouTube. The son of former Alabama Gov. Fob James promises to do away with the 12 foreign languages the test currently offers if he is elected in November. In the ad, James suggests his goal is to save taxpayers money. "Maybe it's the businessman in me," he says. Really? Maybe it’s the asshole in you.

I would like to take a moment to personally thank the assholes at Goldman Sachs for being so greedy that they have inspired even Republican puppets in the Senate to abandon their usual petty, obstructionist positions and actually agree to at the very least, have a debate over financial reform. During Tuesday's contentious hearing of the Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations, Sen. Carl Levin, D-Mich., a man whose combover alone should strike fear in the hearts of men, treated observers to a YouTube worthy tirade complete with profanity.Levin's flip out was prompted by the testimony of several Goldman Sachs executives. While grilling the bankers, Levin quoted from a 2007 e-mail from one former Goldman exec describing the transaction, known as Timberwolf. "Look what your sales team was saying about Timberwolf," said Levin. "'Boy, that Timberwolf was one shitty deal. They sold that shitty deal...‘How much of that shitty deal did you sell to your clients?...You didn't tell them you thought it was a shitty deal...You knew it was a shitty deal...How about the fact that you sold hundreds of millions on that deal after your people knew it was a shitty deal? Does that bother you at all?" You tell ‘em combover. And you know what? Even though I feel anger would have been totally justified, he was still quoting them. These are the words of the testifying witnesses, and they can certainly be used against them in a Senate hearing.

SPORTS

I guess stupid is a common theme this week, as Miami Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland offered an apology this week to Dez Bryant, the wide receiver selected by the Dallas Cowboys in the first round of last week’s NFL Draft, for asking Bryant if his mother is a prostitute during an interview at the league's scouting combine. I almost wish he had conducted the interview on my block, he never would have made it out. I don’t know where this shithead is from, but that’s really not something you tell a man, for any reason. Now, it is well documented that Bryant’s mom has had some drug problems, but I would love to know how his mother’s issues make him a person of bad character. I’m sure Ben Rothlisberger’s mom never had a bad drug habit, and he isn’t exactly Ghandhi now is he?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A title is something that comes before your name, that you have earned in one way or another. It is supposed to signify accoplishment, or a profession, maybe even royalty. Often used in publications, let me give you some examples; “President” Barack Obama, “Oscar Winner” George Clooney, “Yankee Shortstop” Derek Jeter, “Oprah’s Best Friend” Gayle King. Ummm…ok, which one of these doesn’t belong? Oprah's Best Friend? Seriously, how does that become the thing that goes before your name when in print? Is that coded language for “life partner?” Because that’s what every lesbian girl I know believes.

And…Time Magazine released its “List of 100 Most Influential People.” Sarah Palin and Lady Gaga were both on it. The worst part about this is not that Time has decided to celebrate the mediocre, but that they are dead on in their interpretation of the current state of the world and who it is influenced by.