The JB Random Report 4/29/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

John McCain’s home state really does love to get it wrong don’t they? Bad enough Arizona decided not to respect a holiday honoring Martin Luther King Jr. even after it became federalized, now they have decided to take a federal matter into their own hands by passing an immigration law so heinous it is reminiscent of Jim Crow’s South. In a nutshell it gives local law enforcement the power to stop anyone and ask them for documentation if they suspect that they are illegally in the United States. I seem to remember “your papers are not in order” as a familiar line in every old movie whose stoyline involved escaping Nazi Germany. Kris W. Kobach a law professor at the University of Missouri at Kansas City, wrote an editorial in today’s New York Times defending the new law, probably because he was a contributor to its writing. I am quite surprised that a law professor thinks this law innocuous, given that even his own arguments in favor of it leave so much of its enforcement at the discretion of local police officers and not strict legal guidelines. And he is delusional if he honestly believes that this law is not open to a Constitutional challenge. Believe me, once some activist lawyer decides to take the case of an immigrant brave enough to fight this law, you will see a Supreme Court decision, one way or another. I hope they get this one right.
Oh and FYI… Arizona Iced Tea is made in Brooklyn, don’t boycott them!

Alabama, not to be outdone, has began running ads for Republican gubernatorial candidate Tim James arguing that Alabama's driver's license exam should be given only in English. "This is Alabama; we speak English," James says. "If you want to live here, learn it." The campaign spot has had more than 60,000 views on YouTube. The son of former Alabama Gov. Fob James promises to do away with the 12 foreign languages the test currently offers if he is elected in November. In the ad, James suggests his goal is to save taxpayers money. "Maybe it's the businessman in me," he says. Really? Maybe it’s the asshole in you.

I would like to take a moment to personally thank the assholes at Goldman Sachs for being so greedy that they have inspired even Republican puppets in the Senate to abandon their usual petty, obstructionist positions and actually agree to at the very least, have a debate over financial reform. During Tuesday's contentious hearing of the Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations, Sen. Carl Levin, D-Mich., a man whose combover alone should strike fear in the hearts of men, treated observers to a YouTube worthy tirade complete with profanity.Levin's flip out was prompted by the testimony of several Goldman Sachs executives. While grilling the bankers, Levin quoted from a 2007 e-mail from one former Goldman exec describing the transaction, known as Timberwolf. "Look what your sales team was saying about Timberwolf," said Levin. "'Boy, that Timberwolf was one shitty deal. They sold that shitty deal...‘How much of that shitty deal did you sell to your clients?...You didn't tell them you thought it was a shitty deal...You knew it was a shitty deal...How about the fact that you sold hundreds of millions on that deal after your people knew it was a shitty deal? Does that bother you at all?" You tell ‘em combover. And you know what? Even though I feel anger would have been totally justified, he was still quoting them. These are the words of the testifying witnesses, and they can certainly be used against them in a Senate hearing.

SPORTS

I guess stupid is a common theme this week, as Miami Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland offered an apology this week to Dez Bryant, the wide receiver selected by the Dallas Cowboys in the first round of last week’s NFL Draft, for asking Bryant if his mother is a prostitute during an interview at the league's scouting combine. I almost wish he had conducted the interview on my block, he never would have made it out. I don’t know where this shithead is from, but that’s really not something you tell a man, for any reason. Now, it is well documented that Bryant’s mom has had some drug problems, but I would love to know how his mother’s issues make him a person of bad character. I’m sure Ben Rothlisberger’s mom never had a bad drug habit, and he isn’t exactly Ghandhi now is he?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A title is something that comes before your name, that you have earned in one way or another. It is supposed to signify accoplishment, or a profession, maybe even royalty. Often used in publications, let me give you some examples; “President” Barack Obama, “Oscar Winner” George Clooney, “Yankee Shortstop” Derek Jeter, “Oprah’s Best Friend” Gayle King. Ummm…ok, which one of these doesn’t belong? Oprah's Best Friend? Seriously, how does that become the thing that goes before your name when in print? Is that coded language for “life partner?” Because that’s what every lesbian girl I know believes.

And…Time Magazine released its “List of 100 Most Influential People.” Sarah Palin and Lady Gaga were both on it. The worst part about this is not that Time has decided to celebrate the mediocre, but that they are dead on in their interpretation of the current state of the world and who it is influenced by.

A Brief Rant 4/22/10

A BRIEF RANT

A younger friend of mine made a comment on her Facebook page that read “Realized that our generation lacks originality.” She was complaining about the lame remakes that have been infesting the movie industry, and she has a point. So as I started my indictment of her clueless generation, I realized that I was also writing a semi-indictment of my own…
If you were born in the 70’s you have probably been referred to at one time or another as being a member of “Generation X,” a name for my generation that I never approved by the way. It was given to us by older folks who saw Kurt Cobain-induced indifference and cynicism as somehow meaning that we are all gonna do large amounts of ecstasy (hey maybe that’s where that “X” came from?), wear flannel and not get jobs. Well that certainly wasn’t my life (I hate flannel), and I resent being labeled by those who don’t know me just because some people my age decided to not care.
Truth be told, there really wasn’t much to care about then was there? By the time I got to school, Apartheid had ended in South Africa, The Berlin Wall had come down, and Bob Geldof had personally fed every hungry Ethiopian there was. Since there was nothing left for us to focus our half-knowledge and rage on, why not just listen to music and get stoned? I still managed to meet girls and work out, and I sure wasn’t going to join my upper middle class college classmates; those phony-rage, suburban assholes demonstrating to save the whales or stop the discrimination of Eskimos; Morons so confused and angry at not having been born with anything to complain about that they protested the fact that there were so many poor neighborhoods in New York City, then turned around and protested against the companies that were risking their livelihoods developing the places that no other developers would even go near. I’m sure these college-aged experts on urban planning had a lot of time to develop their ideas on this issue sitting poolside sipping margaritas in their suburban back yards. My point is that if things are good, don’t pretend they are not just to have something to complain about. Believe me had I been born rich, I wouldn’t be complaining about shit, and I don’t need anyone who just moved to the big city to be outraged for me, it’s just as phony now as it was when I was a kid. OK rant over, moving on…
So you would think that the kids that are 8-15 years younger than me would learn from our mistakes and come up with something original to define them. Maybe a great cause like the environment or a new civil rights cause like immigration reform. And more so, you would think that they would totally reject the name of the generation of their older brothers and sisters right? Nope.
Emmily is right. This generation is considerably less original than mine. How do I know? Let’s start with the fact that they are so lazy and have done so little, no one can even come up with an original name for them, not even the labelers. Known as “Generation Y,” (as in why the fuck can’t you come up with something original instead of just going one letter over?) they seem content to live in their parents’ basements, watch reality TV and masturbate in front of their computers. There is no real connection with anyone or anything that is not readily available on a screen of some sort (I have had at least two of these nitwits actually break up with me by text message). They listen to shitty music by shitty artists that are mostly never heard from again (Can you name ten songs on the radio right now? Can you name five artists that were on the radio five years ago? I didn’t think so), watch shitty television (Jersey Shore anyone?), go to shitty movies (How many Saw movies again?), eat shitty food (Who the fuck puts cheese in the crust of a pizza already full of cheese?), and they don’t seem to mind.
There is no voice to define this generation the way Bob Dylan did for the 60’s or Kurt Cobain did for me. And the worst part about all this is that this era has many issues that require your attention, you are just too busy exchanging naked pictures of each other over your cell phones to notice. The environment is in serious trouble and could use your help, the financial industry just took away your college tuition money, and Sarah Palin wants to make leadership decisions for you. You should be afraid…very afraid, but you’re not, and that makes me very afraid. Not because you will not be taking care of me when I get older, you are not that much younger than me. However, the crippling fear that wakes me in a cold sweat every night is the fact that one of you wastes of space might be the nurse that takes care of my mom if ever she goes to the hospital.
And before you start sending me hate mail (which I actually don’t mind, by the way) let me make clear that I am speaking in generalizations. Generation Y does not reflect the lives of every single person born into it anymore than droopy pants and plaid wearing slackers defined everyone in mine. But generalizations do not exist by accident, and my indictment is not without some merit.

Oh fuck, I just realized something…I have finally turned into my dad…

The JB Random Report 4/15/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Supreme Court Justice John Stevens has decided to retire, paving the way for Barack Obama to do what all presidents want to do but never actually say they want to do…leave a legacy on the Supreme Court. Appointed by Gerald Ford in 1976, he uncharacteristically leaned a bit to the left on many issues, particularly social ones. He was the first Justice to be appointed after the controversial Roe v. Wade decision, and Ford wanted someone who he felt would not rock the boat. Stevens has long held that it was not he that changed, but the court, and his leaning to the left was not a lean at all. He will be 90 years old when the Supreme Court ends its session this summer, and 90 is old no matter how many Viagra pills and botox you load up on. The press have already begun speculating as to why Stevens has decided to retire now, uhh…how about he’s 90? Seriously when you’re 90 that can be the answer to a lot of questions in the negative. “Hey wanna go skiing?” “Uhh NO…I’m 90.” “How about helping put the groceries inside?” “Uhh NO…I’m 90.” “Can you still pee without help?” “Uhh NO…I’m 90”

And just because I’m cracking on Justice Stevens’ age and his beginnings as a right leaning judge who gained wisdom later, that doesn’t mean that I’m losing my liberal cred. Remember rookies you are looking at a man who met Rick Brookhiser (That’s right, editor of the National Review, Rick Brookhiser) at the New York Public Library and told him to read this blog. Yeah, that’s like asking Rush Limbaugh to join the NAACP.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

I’m glad that 17 year old girl was booted off Idol. Not because she was bad, she was actually pretty good, it’s just that I was having impure thoughts.

Larry King getting his 7th divorce? What do you think is creepier, The fact that he is several centuries younger than his wife, the fact that the rumors are that he was banging her sister, or Larry in that leather jacket in a drop top Cadillac with Snoop Dogg? I think I’m going with the leather jacket.

SPORTS

When players want to go to a team as opposed to just ending up there, then you are a team that is definitely on the right track. The J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets!, seem to be that team. A team that has yet to even play in a Super Bowl since Nixon was president would never bag a Super Bowl MVP for a 5th round draft pick unless the team was interesting, and the MVP was a head case. Here, we have both. Santonio Holmes carries more baggage than the flunkie in charge of Beyonce’s wigs, but he is still a great player and coming off his best season as a pro. He will be out the first 4 games due to a suspension, but he will still be a solid contributor to an already very good Jets team.
And a player the Jets almost got, Brandon Marshall, also has a new address. I think Miami is a good fit for him too, if he heeds the mentoring of Bill Parcells.

And I might end up regretting this, but you want an upset alert in the NBA playoffs? Chicago vs. Cleveland.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Want proof that Feminazis are totally out of touch? Some Womens website listed the 7 Most Inappropriate Places to Hit on Women and included a funeral, the subway, court, the office and the gym. How stupid, I’ve hooked up at all of those. The repeated quote was "we don't wanna be hit on here..." Typical of the few who can't get laid sadly attempting to speak for those who can. Now, STD Clinic I can certainly understand, and I have yet to hook up at a Hospital.

The JB Random Report 4/8/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Sorry I’m late, but I was in Virginia celebrating Confederate History Month, and I had a devil of a time getting these barbecue stains out of my white robe and hood. For nearly a decade, Virginia has declined to mark its secession from the union. But on Tuesday, Gov. Bob McDonnell (Big surprise, he’s a Republican) declared April as Confederate History Month in Virginia for the first time since 2001. How is it that even after 150 years, the south is still so incredibly clueless? And why does the rest of the country subconsciously buy into the fact that the only people to ever secede (that’s leave and separate from, for all you southern “patriots” out there) from the Union are somehow considered the most patriotic Americans? Since when did celebrating treason become a patriotic act?

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

And just wtf was Big Mike doing in the bottom 3 on Idol? I would hate to believe the conspiracy theorists that say the show is somehow fixed, but how can one of the best contestants even be in the bottom 3 much less eliminated, all while Tim Urban continues to live?

Although he gets credit for pioneering punk rock by managing such bands as The Sex Pistols, had it not been for Malcolm McLaren, hip-hop never would have gotten a major record deal. In 1980 McLaren was in New York managing a band called Bow Wow Wow. Now my friend Arthur, who is the gayest man in the history of gaydom, admits that the lead singer of this band, Annabella is so incredibly hot that she could turn him. 'Nuff said.

So McLaren is walking on 125th in Harlem, odd place for a British white guy, and was stunned to see a big black guy walking down the street wearing a Sex Pistols T-shirt. McLaren approached this massive man and they got to talking. He told the guy that he had founded the band on his shirt, and confessed that he never thought a big black guy from New York would ever be into them, much less wear their t-shirt.
The guy responded by inviting him to a party that he was promoting in the South Bronx that night. Ever so brave, McLaren hailed a cab and gave the cab driver the address, at which point he was immediately thrown out of the cab. Finally making his way up to the party, which was in an abandoned lot, the electricity being stolen from a lamppost, McLaren was simply amazed by the music, and he knew it was gonna blow up. He convinced the guy to bring his group and to perform with Bow Wow Wow the next night in front of some RCA executives, and although they were too stupid to sign them on the spot, it inspired that big guy from the Bronx to seek a record deal for him and his group, and they eventually landed one. That big guy’s name was Africa Bambaata.

RIP Malcolm McLaren, and thanks.

SPORTS

As I correctly predicted, the New York Yankees, the greatest franchise in sports history, have won the opening series against the Boston Red Sox. And yes, there is a certain “warm blanket” feel to rattling those boneheads, as David “Fat Papi” Ortiz, normally very congenial, went on an expletive-filled tirade in front of a reporter when asked about his slow start, having gone 0-7 in the first two games of the series. You think he would have been that prickly had the Red Sox opened at home against the Baltimore Orioles?

I love college basketball, but how’s that “one and done” rule workin’ out for ya? Five, that’s right five players, from the Kentucky Wildcats, John Wall (big surprise) included, have now declared for the NBA draft. That’s one-third of their whole team, how could any coach successfully recruit in this era with this ridiculous rule?

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Any girl who refers to oral sex being performed on her as “giving me head,” has a scorching hot case of penis envy…

And speaking of oral sex, I’m reminded of one of the cruelest things I’ve ever said to a girl. A few years ago, during a painful breakup, my ex was telling me how "powerful" she believed our relationship was, to which I responded “Oh please…the only reason I have a ‘hold on you’ is because a lesbian taught me how to eat pussy.” I really should have been a bit more understanding.
But seriously folks, a girl who hates a guy that has too many female friends becomes considerably more comfortable with your choice in comrades after you go down on her, she passes out, then wakes up smiling, totally realizing where you learned that…

The JB Random Report 4/1/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

9 arrests were made, the final one this week, in connection with a terrorist group whose targets included law enforcement officers. The idea was to kill cops then bomb their funerals. The plotters were charged with conspiring to wage war against the United States, attempted use of weapons of mass destruction, teaching the use of explosive materials and carrying a firearm during a violent crime. You would think that an arrest like this would be a great victory against Muslim extremists, until you realize that these arrests were made in Hillsdale County, Michigan, and all arrested were part of a Christian Militia group. And in an odd coincidence, these Hutaree militia members are all white and from the rural part of the United States. Racism and the Christian attitude of violent death to their enemies…that’s in the Bible right? Look, maybe no one wants to hear it but there really is a need to fear home grown terrorists that have nothing to do with Muslims and everything to do with clearly hating Americans and American values, all while waving a huge American flag.

Hey Barack Obama, you won, no need to appease those who are not gonna work with you anyway. Republicans, whose progressive enegy policy for the future seems to be “Fuck you, gimme more oil!” have long wanted to drill in places that might be a risk to the environment. Bad enough that those corporate assholes were barely held accountable for the Exxon Valdez disaster of 1989, now Obama seems to be caving to pressure to drill 50 miles off the Virginia coast, essentially reversing a ban that for 20 years has limited off shore drilling to the Gulf of Mexico. Reducing our dependency on foreign oil and creating jobs are very popular politically, but both can be achieved by green jobs and seeking alternatives to fossil fuels.

ENTERTAINMENT

Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet, and as usual, I’m shocked that so many people are shocked. I guess that “Shake Your Bon Bon” video really was a cry for help after all…

“Gimme sympathy, after all of this is gone / Who would you rather be, The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?” – Metric

Ahhh…The Stones by a landslide, thank you.

I really gotta write an updated version of "Top 10 Hottest News Anchors" and include Jessica Yellin of CNN.

SPORTS

Who the Hell had West Virginia and Baylor in their Final Four? OK stop lying, we were all caught by surprise. Since we all gotta pick someone, I guess I’m going with Tom Izzo and Michigan State. Why? Why not? The last time they won it all I had a great year, and there is no fucking way I’m ever picking Duke.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

How fucked must your situation be when Bill O’Reilly wants to act as your savior?? When Albert Snyder’s son was killed in action in Iraq, the last thing he imagined would be anti-gay picketers at his son’s funeral. His son wasn’t gay, nor was he political, so what sparked this outburst? And even worse, after he sued them for disrupting the most difficult event in the lives of both himself and his family, why would he be ordered to pay the legal costs of a handful of demonstrators from the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kan.? Once again, religion setting the example for all of us; Because picketing outside the Maryland funeral of Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder with signs expressing such sentiments as "God hates you" and "Thank God for dead soldiers," not to mention wearing T-shirts saying “Godhatesfags.com,” Is exactly what Jesus would do. So my question once again is why? Even these maniacs admit their outburst had nothing to do with Snyder as an individual, just that church members have demonstrated at other events with similar signs. Founded by Pastor Fred Phelps, the church believes God is punishing the United States for "the sin of homosexuality" by allowing wars and soldiers' deaths.

So Mr. Snyder, obviously horrified by the disruption, filed a federal lawsuit claiming intentional infliction of emotional distress and civil conspiracy. Although difficult to prove, both are solid legal grounds in this case, so I am baffled as to why after being awarded $10.9 million in compensatory and punitive damages, the 4th District Court of Appeals not only reversed the ruling, saying Phelps and his people were protected by First Amendment free-speech rights, but also ordered Snyder to pay more than $16,000 in legal fees accumulated by Westboro Baptist in defending itself. I really thought that it was the 9th District that was full of …umm “odd” decisions, guess the whole legal profession is gonna have to start watching these guys too. By ruling in this manner, the court is essentially saying that the Snyders’ case was totally without merit, and that is legally erroneous to say the least. A case without merit would have been dismissed at the procedural level, not adjudicated, awarded and then decided it was without merit. Maybe the 4th District was sick the day they taught law in law school.

And in a rare showing of actually doing the right thing, on his "O'Reilly Factor" cable show Tuesday night, Fox News (HA! “News”) commentator Bill O'Reilly said he would write a personal check to cover the fees charged to Snyder. Thankfully, The U.S. Supreme Court has agreed to hear the case in another test of how far the First Amendment can stretch in guaranteeing the right of free expression. I’ll keep you posted. So…killing cops, blowing up funerals, picketing dead soldiers…nice example religion is setting, not to mention the Catholic Church, circling its collective wagons against a new set of charges, international charges this time, so sorry Vatican assholes, you can no longer say this is an “American” problem, that they are diddling young boys.