The JB Random Report 2/11/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I am tired of you liberal media elite types making fun of my girl Sarah Palin. So what if she has no idea about policy making, her own party’s stance on most of the issues, what Congress actually does, or how to spell “cat?” We like her. She is sassy and speaks to the regular American in a language that they can easily understand, so what if that means speaking on a 4th grade level? Sarah is a regular gal, maybe she’s just not much for fancy book learnin’ and that’s how America likes its politicians. The fact that she has to write on her hand to remember stuff is just what us regular folks do. I do it all the time at the supermarket, so why can’t she? When she is president I’m sure she will write a lot of things on her hands in order to remember them; like who was the first President of the United States, or what is the name of the ocean next to California, or a recipe for brownies, or something even more important like, I dunno, nuclear launch codes! I keep telling my friends, if you want to do what is best for this country, support the nomination of Sarah Palin. Why? Because I can just see the campaign slogans now:

“OBAMA 2012: Because America is still reeling from the last time you elected a retard.”

A lot of people give credit to Ronald Reagan for ending the Cold War. An odd recognition considering the man had no idea where he was half the time. The Cold War just happen to end during his presidency, due in no small part to the Soviet Union getting trounced pretty good in “the place where empires go to die”- Afghanistan (let’s hope we remember our history). That defeat was quietly made possible mosty by a man who died yesterday, Congressman Charlie Wilson, from Texas. Other than partying with hot chicks, he didn’t have much of a reputation in Washington until, during a moment of booze-laden clarity, it dawned on him that “hey, I’m a member of the House Appropriations Committee, so I can spend money on whatever I want. Reagan can’t even get $3 million for the Contras. Typical shithead Republican, always doing things the hard way.” (Ok maybe I’m paraphrasing a bit). Wilson's efforts to arm Afghani Mujahedeen during Afghanistan's war against the Soviet Union in the 1980s, particularly the selling of Stinger missiles, helped to not only turn that war around, but had drastic implications worldwide, as the Soviet Union collapsed only a year later. God Speed, Charlie, if there is a strip club in Heaven, you deserve a huge roll of $5 bills.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

The mere rumor that Howard Stern might replace Simon Cowell on Idol is enough to get me excited again about watching a show that I like, but not nearly as much as I used to. Ellen DeGeneres was not nearly as irritating as I thought she would be, but I’m sure she will get there eventually.

SPORTS

I didn’t really have a horse in the race this year, but I really am happy for the city of New Orleans. It’s first major professional sports championship couldn’t have come at a better time and should go a long way in helping that city recover. The fact that so many things are planned should be great for the city’s economy. Yeah…as if NOLA needs another reason to celebrate in February! And something has to be done about the Super Bowl halftime show. Not that they haven’t been great since that whole Janet Jackson thing, (we have never seen a lame boy band singer again, right? So maybe it was worth it.) but The Who? First of all it’s not The Who, two original members are dead, they should call it something else like “old guys needing to make back the retirement money they blew on coke and hookers in the 70’s.” It’s just such a blatant rip-off, and I really have a hard time believing a 90 year old man when he starts singing about a “new revolution” or a “teenage wasteland.” As for next year’s Super Bowl, odds are 7-1 for the Cowboys. There’s something to look forward to.

It has been many moons since North Carolina went unranked and out of the Top 25. Think the lean years of Matt Doherty. But Tar Heel fans, be patient. Remember these NCAA Champions lost 3 guys to the first round of the NBA. And rankings aside, they played with passion against the hated Duke Blue Devils last night. That’s the inspiration that they have to carry into the tournament, but with that bad a conference record, it might be hard.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I consider myself tolerant of any lifestyle, but this shit is getting ridiculous…A gay couple who both had sex change operations decided they wanted a baby, so the man who had a sex change but kept his female organs is now pregnant. Great, a pregnant man. The gay couple is expecting a boy, and say that they don’t think that teasing will be a problem later in his life. Right, because school aged kids are so kind and understanding. Only in fucking California.