The JB Random Report 2/25/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Did you see the healthcare "summit"? Why not just call it a debate? That's really what it was and I saw for the first time, one man taking on a slew of adversaries and pretty much kicking their collective asses. The lame arguments that Republicans had against health care reform are so pathetic they just threw up their arms and said "we disagree so let's wait" Seriously, fuck you. Yeah…Barack Obama is so stupid he is going to put his greatest presidential legacy on the back burner just be cause you assholes can't obstruct it like you tried to obstruct the jobs bill. This is a Harvard graduate, not Flava Flav in the Oval Office you assholes. And I’m sorry but I LOVED the smug look he gave these jerks. His every gesture just seemed to exude the phrase, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Well what did you expect when they presented nothing of substance, just a desperate plea not to succeed on their watch, pathetically disguised as “concern?” We don’t just need health care reform, we need political reform. Why is it that even voters of minimal intelligence can’t see how high the crybaby factor is with Republicans?

That Orca that killed her trainer at Sea World really should send a message to the rest of you humans. There is a reason why they call them Killer Whales. Hey animal lovers, animals know who is polluting the water, cutting down the rain forests and causing unnatural climate change, they don't like us. And they are looking for every opportunity to kill us. Remember that lady that got her face ripped off by an angry chimp? Or that tiger that nearly took Roy’s head off? Or was it Siegfried? Anyway, neither one of those ladies is never gonna be the same again. Look, at the risk of pointing out the obvious, wild animals are not cute, stay away from them.

SPORTS

There is a requiem being played for NFL all-pro running backs over 30. LaDainian Tomlinson will probably hook up with another team, but Brian Westbrook, given his history of injuries, concussion included, may have a really hard time finding another job.

Speaking of looking for another job, Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera are free agents this year, and the Yankees have stuck to their policy of not negotiating during the season. They are making a mistake. These players are at level with DiMaggio, Mantle and Whitey Ford, and they should be given the same respect. After all they have done for the city and the team; they should be allowed to retire on their own terms both financially and professionally, so you make an exception for exceptional players. How can you demand excellence when you don’t reward it?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Seriously who the fuck are these “Tea Party” people? What exactly is their agenda? Other than being ultra conservative and hating the fact that there is a black man in the White House doing a great job appeasing a minority of Republican maniacs in the legislature, what do they stand for? Well, one of their biggest platforms is lower taxes right? Then why is it that in a CBS poll, 44% of these Tea Party idiots think that taxes have gone up, when in reality the Obama administration has passed 25 different tax cuts to working families? 46% believed they stayed the same, and only 2% acknowledged that they went down. This is the group that wants you to share their views on taxes, something they obviously know nothing about. It’s like me asking you to share my views on who the hottest guy is on “The Jersey Shore,” or some other shit that I would remove both my eyes before I ever watched. When the fuck did it become OK to not know anything and still run your mouth? And why are they being listened to? When did stupid become acceptable as long as you waved the correct flag? Why am I cursing so much?

These intellectual wastes of space are so out of touch with reality that their original name was “Tea baggers” until someone told them what that meant in the gay community. I wonder who let them know? Maybe some of their “conservative” supporters like Ted Haggard, Mark Foley or Larry Craig.

The JB Random Report 2/18/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Look, We all hate the IRS, and there are many arguments why taxes on income can be considered unconstitutional, but dude, lighten up. 6 pages of bile, setting your house on fire, then you crash a plane into an IRS building in Austin? Hey Joseph Stack, that’s what blogs are for dude, so you can rant without hurting anyone. The anger in this country, within its own citizens, not foreign terrorists, has to be addressed, and I can assure you that the recently announced potential delay in tax refunds isn’t helping.

Mitt Romney was attacked by another passenger on a plane from Vancouver to LA. Maybe the other passenger thought he was a mannequin?

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

Wanna feel really old, really fast? Look at Bruce Springsteen on the cover of your mom’s AARP magazine.

These “Howard Stern on Idol” rumors have yet to die. And I’m glad they are not. I don’t care what anyone’s opinion is on Stern, but no one can objectively say that his presence wouldn’t revive a slowly dying show. Critics of the potential move obviously have no idea who Howard Stern is. He has been an innovator in radio for over 20 years. Remember when radio actually played good music? And Idol is a singing contest right? So make the connection. And let’s not forget that it was Stern who discovered Sugar Ray (ok, maybe not the best example to prove my point).
I know who I’m rooting for on Idol already, Big Mike, the chick with the really fucked up teeth that plays guitar, and the Mexican dude with the glasses, both whose names escape me right now.

John Mayer a racist? No…just an asshole. Dude, you have been famous for a while now, don’t you know better than to give an interview after downing a bottle of Jameson? Does the name Jimmy “the Greek” mean anything to you?

SPORTS

OK just what the hell is Curling exactly?

I can’t say I know a lot about Winter Olympics, but the story lines are actually interesting. Did you see that married couple representing China that won the gold in figure skating? Shen Xue and Zhao Hongbo are in their 30’s and this was their last chance, and they had won every award and championship in their sport except an Olympic gold medal until now. Bode Miller finally won a medal in skiing; I just hope he doesn’t use the medal’s flat surface to snort coke or anything. Shawn White won gold as did 2 other members of Team USA yesterday. And I know it’s early, but the USA leads the medal count. Let’s go great Satan!!!

One of the best players to ever come out of one of the best UNC teams ever was Antawn Jamison. Along with Vince Carter, Jerry Stackhouse and Rasheed Wallace, had they stayed together long enough to gel as a team instead of bolting for the NBA, they probably would have been a dynasty in college basketball. The Cleveland Cavaliers already have the best record in the East, and trading for Jamison just made them a whole lot better. Win now Cleveland, because failure will give LeBron every excuse to bail on you.

And in keeping with the Olympic spirit, did you see Lindsay Vonn spread in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit website? Or Ana Ivanovic’s? Or what about Christine Teigen’s? Damn…I really, really, really like her, and …oh wait, Teigen isn’t an athlete is she? Well who cares. Have yet to see it you say? Well let me help you out

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010_swimsuit/models/

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A Massachusetts woman who recently separated from her husband and had her hours cut at work says an image of Jesus Christ she sees on her iron has reassured her that "life is going to be good." That and heavy drinking combined with prescription drugs. The brownish residue on the bottom of the iron looks like the face of a man with long hair, and obviously has Mary Jo Coady slowly going insane for some reason. Let’s help this poor soul out shall we? Before she starts driving a car too close to a school where small children are…

Lady, you are depressed because your life is so fucked up. We know, we live in these times too and they are not easy...but Jesus is not in your fucking iron! Go lose some weight, turn the TV off and try your best to get laid. I promise you will feel better. And remember, just because you get them from a doctor doesn’t mean that they are “good drugs.”

The 44-year-old Coady was raised Catholic (big surprise, no wonder she's a fucking maniac). She and her two college-age daughters agree that the image looks like Jesus and is proof that "he's listening." And what college would this be exactly? The same one that gives BA’s in Televison watching and hold graduation ceremonies at the nearest trailer park? Look, you wanna believe in an imaginary friend that’s fine, this is America. But when you see him in a home appliance, then it’s time for:

1-You to be separated from regular people. And…
2- Me to make fun of you.

The JB Random Report 2/11/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I am tired of you liberal media elite types making fun of my girl Sarah Palin. So what if she has no idea about policy making, her own party’s stance on most of the issues, what Congress actually does, or how to spell “cat?” We like her. She is sassy and speaks to the regular American in a language that they can easily understand, so what if that means speaking on a 4th grade level? Sarah is a regular gal, maybe she’s just not much for fancy book learnin’ and that’s how America likes its politicians. The fact that she has to write on her hand to remember stuff is just what us regular folks do. I do it all the time at the supermarket, so why can’t she? When she is president I’m sure she will write a lot of things on her hands in order to remember them; like who was the first President of the United States, or what is the name of the ocean next to California, or a recipe for brownies, or something even more important like, I dunno, nuclear launch codes! I keep telling my friends, if you want to do what is best for this country, support the nomination of Sarah Palin. Why? Because I can just see the campaign slogans now:

“OBAMA 2012: Because America is still reeling from the last time you elected a retard.”

A lot of people give credit to Ronald Reagan for ending the Cold War. An odd recognition considering the man had no idea where he was half the time. The Cold War just happen to end during his presidency, due in no small part to the Soviet Union getting trounced pretty good in “the place where empires go to die”- Afghanistan (let’s hope we remember our history). That defeat was quietly made possible mosty by a man who died yesterday, Congressman Charlie Wilson, from Texas. Other than partying with hot chicks, he didn’t have much of a reputation in Washington until, during a moment of booze-laden clarity, it dawned on him that “hey, I’m a member of the House Appropriations Committee, so I can spend money on whatever I want. Reagan can’t even get $3 million for the Contras. Typical shithead Republican, always doing things the hard way.” (Ok maybe I’m paraphrasing a bit). Wilson's efforts to arm Afghani Mujahedeen during Afghanistan's war against the Soviet Union in the 1980s, particularly the selling of Stinger missiles, helped to not only turn that war around, but had drastic implications worldwide, as the Soviet Union collapsed only a year later. God Speed, Charlie, if there is a strip club in Heaven, you deserve a huge roll of $5 bills.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

The mere rumor that Howard Stern might replace Simon Cowell on Idol is enough to get me excited again about watching a show that I like, but not nearly as much as I used to. Ellen DeGeneres was not nearly as irritating as I thought she would be, but I’m sure she will get there eventually.

SPORTS

I didn’t really have a horse in the race this year, but I really am happy for the city of New Orleans. It’s first major professional sports championship couldn’t have come at a better time and should go a long way in helping that city recover. The fact that so many things are planned should be great for the city’s economy. Yeah…as if NOLA needs another reason to celebrate in February! And something has to be done about the Super Bowl halftime show. Not that they haven’t been great since that whole Janet Jackson thing, (we have never seen a lame boy band singer again, right? So maybe it was worth it.) but The Who? First of all it’s not The Who, two original members are dead, they should call it something else like “old guys needing to make back the retirement money they blew on coke and hookers in the 70’s.” It’s just such a blatant rip-off, and I really have a hard time believing a 90 year old man when he starts singing about a “new revolution” or a “teenage wasteland.” As for next year’s Super Bowl, odds are 7-1 for the Cowboys. There’s something to look forward to.

It has been many moons since North Carolina went unranked and out of the Top 25. Think the lean years of Matt Doherty. But Tar Heel fans, be patient. Remember these NCAA Champions lost 3 guys to the first round of the NBA. And rankings aside, they played with passion against the hated Duke Blue Devils last night. That’s the inspiration that they have to carry into the tournament, but with that bad a conference record, it might be hard.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I consider myself tolerant of any lifestyle, but this shit is getting ridiculous…A gay couple who both had sex change operations decided they wanted a baby, so the man who had a sex change but kept his female organs is now pregnant. Great, a pregnant man. The gay couple is expecting a boy, and say that they don’t think that teasing will be a problem later in his life. Right, because school aged kids are so kind and understanding. Only in fucking California.

The JB Random Report 2/4/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Why do the Chinese hate us so much? Whether its lead paint-tainted toys, poison baby formula or unfair trade tariffs, they always seem to be against us don’t they? And now the China-based cyberattack against Google has apparently prompted the powerful search engine to reach out to the National Security Agency for help. The NSA? Damn that’s serious. And the only reason the NSA is even getting involved is because the threat is coming from a foreign country. Had it come from some 40 year old Star Trek fan working out of his parents basement they would have just slapped him around a little. Now the reason you really need to be aware of this is that a deal of this nature really blurs the field between what is a private company and a government agency. Would a supermarket ask the FBI to deal with a foreign shoplifter?

ENTERTAINMENT

Giving yourselves awards for forgettable, irrelevant music is sad, so I won’t comment much on the Grammys except to say that for the most part, they sucked. But saying the Grammys sucked is a bit redundant, so let me highlight some moments that were not so bad. Giving the best acceptance speech of the night, Kings of Leon winning Record of the Year was a pleasant surprise, it was kinda like getting a church picnic getting crashed by Amy Winehouse. The performances were gratuitous to say the least, but I enjoyed the Black Eyed Peas and Lil’ Wayne, Eminem and Drake were great but I could only hear about 1/3 rd of their performance because they kept getting the censor button. Seeing Travis behind the drums was cool too. Now I admit I couldn’t sit through all this lame, irrelevant drivel, so I can only comment on what I saw, and I do acknowledge that I missed some good stuff I might have liked. Besides North Carolina was playing and I was watching Big Love on HBO. Was Roberta Flack wearing a mask? Cuz she kinda reminded me of Freddy Krueger with a wig. Bon Jovi still doing “Livin’on a Prayer?” They should pray for another song already. And for the record, I do agree with my man Mena about one thing…Taylor Swift and The Jonas Brothers might not be my particular cup of tea, but I do respect the fact that at least they write, play and sing their own music. I might not like it, but at least it’s real, and that’s rare in today’s music business. Can you believe it’s been ten years since “Supernatural?” So did anything else happen?

SPORTS

So I guess the big fight is signed! Finally! Floyd Mayweather has finally agreed to a May 1st bout against…Shane Mosley? Really? Man…it’s kinda like having a shitty Christmas. Look, Mosley is still a very good fighter at 38 years old, and this does make sense for Mayweather because it’s the only big fight he could get, but please…no one believes that “It’s like Leonard - Hearns all over again” hype, so cut the crap already. Pacquiao is the fight we all wanna see, and everyone knows it.

And you know what else happened this week LA Lakers fans? Phil Jackson broke Pat Riley’s all time record for Lakers wins as a coach, and Kobe Bryant broke Jerry West’s all time record in scoring as a Laker. Naturally, as what happens when all milestones are broken, this sparked debate over who is the greatest Laker ever, mostly comparing Kobe to the great Ervin Magic Johnson. Ahh, in the words of the late President Richard M. Nixon, “let me make this perfectly clear”…Kobe Bryant can win 10 championships, and break every scoring record in the NBA and he will never, ever be a better player than Magic Johnson. Now you know how they say “never say never?” I’m…saying…never! As a matter of fact, I challenge anyone to give me a reason why Magic is not the best all around player ever of all time. 3 MVP’s, 5 Championships and an overall game better than anyone else’s. Michael Jordan you say? OK could he pass or rebound like Magic? Case closed. And remember this, it took Jordan 8 years to win his first ring, after being drafted to a crappy team. Magic Johnson won a ring his first year, after being drafted by an equally crappy team. Magic’s career was cut down in its prime, where as Jordan played well past his, often taking bad shots and hurting an already bad Washington Wizards team. Never have a debate without knowing your history.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Haitian officials have charged 10 Baptist missionaries from the U.S. with child abduction and criminal conspiracy for their role in attempting to smuggle 33 children out of Haiti following that country's devastating earthquake. Why am I so mad and who am I mad at exactly? Well let my just say that this is what happens when white people think that they can do whatever they want in a third world nation. Maybe they forgot, but Haiti is an independednt nation with its own laws, and just because you think you can do better doesn’t mean that you can just take their children and circumvent their adoption procedures. That’s why that hag Madonna should be in an African jail right now. It is this pompus, superior attitude that has them locked up right now. And if these self righteous assholes dare to argue that “no good deed goes unpunished,” the retort should be “neither does breaking other people’s laws in their own country.”